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I hate myself

Should I make a drastic change because of Adderall?

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I remember years ago in my 20's (when I was abusing alcohol) seeing an advertisement which said: "I drink because I hate myself." That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks because it was so true and is still true now with my new addiction to Adderall. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get caught on this roller coaster again. I managed to get through my 30's and most of my 40's drug and alcohol free and never imagined I would be so stupid to go down this road again.

I am trying to decide if i should do something drastic like quit my part time job which pays very well or fully retire and stop all these stupid drugs and be free once and for all. I have anxiety and social phobia and take meds for those conditions along with Adderall just to get through the day and then crash after work. Right now I would rather have less money than to keep on hating myself more each day. I've tried easing myself off the anxiety drugs and adderall but felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Needless to say, dealing with a lot of people at work was very difficult.

This site is very inspirational - just reading all the success stories gives me hope. I'm not looking forward to the deep depression, crying jags and weight gain, but I think if I don't have to deal with coworkers or the public it might be easier to take my time to heal emotionally and physically. Has anyone here taken a long break from life to heal from this terrible drug?

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I can't tell you what's best for you, only what was helpful for me in the first few months of quitting. I don't think its necessary to quit your part-time job, but for me I worked like 10 hours a week in the beginning of quitting. I had quite a long crash period due to extended use of super high dosages. I think part-time is doable, but getting off the adderall should be top priority if that's what you want. Did you have social phobia and anxiety before adderall? I always have struggled with it, but I became basically a hermit besides work when using adderall, because it amplified it SO much. You said you tried to wean yourself off of adderall and anti-anxiety meds? Why not just stop adderall cold turkey, when you're ready, because personally there is no way my anxiety could've eased up no matter what I did on adderall. It's still there after 4 months clean, but it's not the extreme ups and downs, HIGHS and LOOOOWS like adderall, and I have so much more control over my emotions now.

I just think some people put stimulants and anti-anxiety medication in the same category, and stimulants are quite often the problem or what has become an extremely unhealthy "solution" to the problem in the first place. I hope this helps a little....just some food for thought.

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Are you seeing a counselor? Support groups like AA/NA have been helpful to me to make sure I don't escalate and get out of control. I hate that you have your screen name as"I hate myself" because if you are on this site reaching out, you do care about yourself and your future, but I know the guilt and shame in regards to addiction is powerful.

How did adderall come into your life?

If you have a good income and want to keep working (with this crappy economy) see if you can take a FMLA leave or a vacation to detox, sleep, and get healthy again to keep working to have a fullfiling retirement down the road. Just a thought. I am in the same boat, I want to take time for myself away from work to fully focus on this addiction and get my priorities straight because I don't want to be a sleepy out of it mom for my girls. I'm going to try to take a few days for myself to go to the beach or the mountains with no drugs or alcohol coming with me or in my reach, just me, my pillow, and some books to read. I hope I can make it happen asap. If you have the time built up at work and the money to put towards YOU, you should. Retirement won't matter if you are high for it and ruin your happiness and health as you get older...right??

Best of luck to you and welcome..

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Thank you Ashley26 and Edie for your advice. It does seem crazy to quit a job in this bad economy. When I am off the Adderall for a while I actually enjoy going to work. The problem is, the periods off the drug are not long enough to see positive changes. I have had social phobia and anxiety most of my life. Mainly manifested with self consciousness, shyness and a lack of self esteem. But because of these meds I feel more like a person going through the motions instead of living a happy, enjoyable life.

So, in comes amphetamines, in the guise of diet pills and ADD medicine to the rescue. I actually enjoy my days of cleaning, organizing and keeping busy. It is only after I take a break from the pills that I see how ridiculous my thinking was at he time. I look at my projects, the crap I spent my money on and selfish behavior and see how I am wasting my life.

I just have to keep reading these posts and work towards recovery. I have my Craving Control supplements and have started walking. I wish you all the best of luck in your journey in getting off this horrible drug.

Thanks again.

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I, too, struggled with social phobia and anxiety my whole life, but adderall exacerbates these after the initial honeymoon stage.

That's exactly what I enjoyed with adderall: organizing, reading up on anything that sparked my interest, and cleaning, but 7 years later I had nothing to show for it except for a clean room and a loss of my personality and my soul. It's not worth selling your soul to the devil. I hope you find your way off the adderall. We're all pulling for you here.

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