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Beautiful Disaster </3

What Made You Quit... please help

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Hi all,

I wrote on here a few weeks ago, and decided that I liked adderall too much, so I haven't looked at the forums since.

I am sitting here after having taken 80mg throughout the day with super anxiety, my heart rate all over the place with skipped heart beats... and just freaking myself out in general. The only time I want to quit is when I am scared I am going to die or my heart is going to stop.... like right now.

I am terrified right now that I am like about to die.... but at the same time I will not flush my pills because I'm scared to go without them tomorrow. NOT OKAY!

So basically, what I am asking for is:

1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now

2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?

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B.D,

Calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, ur not going to die but if u continue along this path u are slowly killing ur self. My journey with this horrible drug has lasted six years, the last three of which I abused. I have been struggling with freeing myself from the grip of this drug for the last year, I can't say that I've succeeded. But I haven't failed either. Ive found what Ive done over this last year is use/ not use. Not using for longer lengths than I have ever since starting the drug. While i can't wait to be fully free from this nightmare, I am also proud of my achievements and the giant strides I've taken to rid myself of thse pills. I won't give up on myself. Don't you either. My breaking point sounds pretty close to where u are right now. Taking way too much, freaking out, thinking I was gonna die. I even went to the hospital a few times. Also, that seemed to be around the same time, I began to realize how adderall had wrecked havoc on my life, personality, and relationships. So I would have to say it was a mixture of things, situations, and emotions that led me to this site and ultimately the realization that this/ my lifestyle /love affair with adderall was not sustainable. Then I knew it would be me or the drug.

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I was reading this article in Vice magazine online by this writer who is an open Adderall addict, and she described Adderall addiction like this: "It's not life or death, it's more like a slow soul-murder."

The more time you spend in Adderall-land, the more you will realize that to be true. I didn't quit because I thought I was going to die. In fact, on Adderall I looked healthy, ate well and worked out daily. I was far from dying, physically that is. I quit because I was disgusted with the cold, creepy, antisocial weirdo I had become. It was inhuman.

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B.D. - today is day 1 for me of stopping this evil drug. I will tell u why.... It's not an easy thing for me to admit, but I almost ruined my life and the lives of my 2 precious children and my husband of 20 years. This drug put me in such dream land that I thought I could do anything and didn't even think twice about the consequences. I was mixing alcohol, Ativan(an anxiety drug) along with my 80mg of Adderall. I thought I was wonder woman. I became this person I NEVER EVER would have become if I didn't abuse and become addicted to Adderall. I was meeting guy friends on the weekend(without my husbands knowledge) and doing God only knows what because I just didn't care. He separated from me until I can get myself help and be the person he fell in love with again. The last straw was this past weekend when my 13 year old son had to call 911 because my heart was racing so bad I thought I was going to die. I can't live this way anymore. I am where u are right now!! Let's do this together!!! We CAN DO THIS!!! we can help each other. I will give u my email and we can exchange phone #'s! Let me know!! xoxo

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I've read your posts and all I can say is that you need help beyond the scope of this site. You need NA and family therapy. Adderall doesn't make people neglect their kids and cheat on their husbands. That's benzo's and booze. Those two are what's going to kill you. Adderall is just nails in the coffins. Your kids need a stable mother so they can grow up without issues that will make their lives suck. Do what's right and seek help in earnest.

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BD jest take a week off and do nothing but crash that’s what i did make your mind stronger then the Drug.

Day #7 for me i have past the crash stage now iam in withdrawal and I have a flood of memories going into my head puls depression.

MY STORY WY I QUIT THE JUNK JUNK JUNK JUNK ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::.

Hi my brothers and sisters first I would like to say take you to the creator of this web site thanks you and god give you speed for helping all of us addicted souls out her. I have spent countless of hours going thru deferent web sits for support our some answers on how to overcome this evil drug we call adderall. I am 7days clean from adderall 5 days in Hell Curled up

In a little ball like a new born baby. A little history about me I have been on adderall xr for 10 years now 60 to 90 ml a day plus some 20ml regular release xanex 8 ml per day 24-7 its bin a roller coaster ride up and down all day long drank alcohol on weekends in excess on top of all the drugs. Yes it is a miracles I am still living I am 55 years old a path of self-destruction for years. Back in nov 2011 I thought I have hit bottom I was having Psychotic Episodes and also physical symptoms like vertigo I could not walk or stand up for a month almost needed to go for detoxify butt I did it on my own my doc told me to cut down or get off xanex so I did so. 3 months of stepping down. I could not get off the bensos cold turkey because of the risk of having seizures from being on the xanex long term . I am now on only 1 ml of xanex per days I need to get off xanex completely. One-step at a time now I am at the bottom. Lost my business lost my marriage lost the respect from my two good kids lost my friends lost my savings I am now alone and I have finally hit bottom I am actually happy I am at the bottom because there is no where to go from her butt to die it took me 10 years to get her it will thank me some time to get out of here. When I read your post it gives me the will to get clean and get off this so called fuckin meds. I thank all you brothers and sisters for listing to me blabber on about my pitiful existents I am hoping to get clean now and try to help anther people to get thru there own addictions I know my road to success will be a long recovery but I at least hit my final bottom right now and cant go much farther down. Thanks again for your support I will try to post ones a week to keep you in the loop of my progress GOD BLESS YOU ALL WHOM ARE SAFFERING WITH ME WE WILL ALL MAKE IT TOGETER.

BD jest take a week off and do nothing but crash that’s what i did make your mind stronger then the ADDERALL DO IT MY brother.

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So basically, what I am asking for is:

1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now

2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?

I check in here every 4 or 5 months so I can remember how much it stunk to stop.

1. Well, fear is a crap motivator. It won't keep you stopped cuz you'll forget how afraid you once were. I guess us humans are wired like that or we wouldn't have dared fight a mamoth more than once in our distant past. Think off all the things you'll be able to do if you are clean of them - you WILL be better at your work in a few months, you'll be so much more interesting and funny to other people, you'll be way more trustworthy, and of course healthier.

2. I messed up bad and the only place I had to go was a state detox. After that, I rounded up enough cash to catch a plane to a far away state and that was 18 months ago - I was instantly very busy building a new life from scratch. If you really are serious you have to cut ties with you sources. Call that doc the next time you're coming down and feeling crummy, tell him you're abusing them and that will be that. I don't think he can legally prescribe them after that. If you're source is a diversion, you can do something similar, but you'll lose the friend - but that's not a friend anyways.

Really, the withdrawal from this and most drugs is mostly in your head. Staying in bed and eating and being depressed only makes it feel worse. Go to work or school even if you don't feel like it. You'll live, and the time goes by faster. In a few months you'll feel good. I mean really good :D

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I hate Adderall. I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. Been down that road a bunch of times...I've "quit" on and off and I've been clean again. What made me stop? Looking in the mirror and seeing a dead, lifeless person at 26 in the reflection. Becoming exhausted from staying up all night and panicking. Googling nothing. Being weird. High highs, low lows.

The more you grip that bottle..the more nights you will have like what you posted about.

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I am right there with you guys,... my tolerance is through the roof. I have chronic fatigue (poss. narcolepsy), fibromyalgia and autoimmune stuff. I feel like I can't live with or w/out this poison. It sure has robbed me of any real joy I could experience. I won't even mention my current dosage b/c it can be anywhere from 40XR in AM and I'm struggling to stay awake, or it could be so high I don't even want to keep count (XR and IR)... hot mess. it's time to get this load off my back. I'm so glad to hear I am not alone.

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Waronwar, do you think your chronic fatigue, narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, and autoimmune stuff are caused by your long term adderall abuse? Or the high doses? Does your body feel old? Is your mind less sharp than it used to be?

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So basically, what I am asking for is:

1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now

2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?

I used to have some bad hypochondria episodes when I was on Adderall, especially towards the end when the dosage was getting really high. It definitely contributed to me quitting, but I think the real final straw was when the stuff was barely even helping me function anymore, when I started having suicidal thoughts, and when I started losing my hair. (Losing your hair is hard on a hypochondriac.)

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Hi, I found this forum thru googling "has adderall changed my personality?" and I'm glad to see I'm not alone...

I want to quit because I feel isolated, uncreative, and just not myself... I've been abusing it for about a year and a half. I don't take it daily, but when I do I'll take up to 15 (or more?) 5mg pills thruout the day. I work in a creative field. My work has suffered. I think it's time to realize that the abuse of adderall has significantly impacted my life in a negative way...

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sky-- Hi welcome to quitting adderall you are jest a beginner in your addeall use or abuse we all start the way you have with a low dos and occasional use. The occasional use terns out to be a daily user the next stage will bee a higher dos because your body has built up a tolerance level . Your brain will need more adderall in order to produce the euphoric feeling we experience when takeing this drug believe me my brother read some hoarer stores on this web sit its incredible how much of this junk is used some X users tell stores of 300 milligrams a day this a very high amount of adderall the brain still is not satisfied these users get to the point we call zombie land there is not a dos that will satisfy the brains need For this drug. Hallucinations paranoia anxiety mood disorder depression and the big D 6feet under get my drift brother. The moral of this story is you have some chose’s to make at your stage of using adderall. One if you need it for a thru mental disorder like ADD then use it wisely as your dr proscribed for you. Second chose is stop using ASAP before you get to the point of no return which would be a addiction to adderall or anther stimulant drugs. It is jest a mater of time when you will reach this point of zombie land good luck I hope you will make the Wright dissection my brother keep in touch with our members let us know how you are doing you came to this web site for a reason maybe you are scared that’s OK we are here for you if you need help.

THE FALCON 27days clean after 10years of use and 6years of abuse with addiction.

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thanks my brother for the motivation. yes I think I am catching it early, I have gone thru NA and guess I recognize my old addictive behavior. I meant I would take 15 5mg pills, not a lot, but it sure made me cracked out looking I bet (not all at once though, thruout the day). I might have ADD, but my scrip was manipulated, I lied and manipulated my doctor to get it. When my closest friend told me I'd changed today I began looking at adderall use as the culpret. I think things will definitely get better without it... its funny how it does seem so great at first, like a wonder drug, and you wonder why everyone isn't on it, and you also wonder about people who you think are probably on it, but now wonder how those people who somehow live life sans chemicals and stimulants and cigarettes and weed and alcohol do it, and do it so well..... thanks for your helpful posts.

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Sky My brother your honesty is greatly appreciated you are honorable and honest about your use that is a good character to have in my book. Congratulations on being up front about scamming your dr. You have my respect brother and I don’t give it out lightly. As far as people doing alcohol pot cigarettes or what ever turns there addictive triggers on you are seeing a false front do you really think these people are content with there life. The answer is no way they are self medicating them self’s with junk these people need the high jest to num there true feelings. I know my brother I am one of these people I am in recovery now. And I’m jest starting to see some clear light true the window 28 days ago I was looking thru a blurry window I know my road to recovery will be hard butt I have made my first steps. Take my advice stay clean you will enjoy your life looking thru a clean window not a dirty window. Don’t let these fucked up self medicating people make it look easy when there high and enjoying life and in control because it’s a front they feel like shit the next day after they sober up trust me bro I am and I was this type of person its not wert it life is short as it is. Live it the clean way. I wasted a lot of years . Brother sounds like you understand and you have your head scrod on strate do the Wright thing. FALCON

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thank you my friend. I had a great day today without anything but a few cigarettes... I even spilled 5 adderall that I had put back into the lid of the bottle on my sink counter and I didn't care, left em right there, where as normally you know I would have been bummed they might have gotten wet, certainly gotten some facial hair shavings on them, I'll toss em tonight when I get back. Its nice to feel like you're on a road of change and see yourself doing things differently... reaching out to people you haven't spoken to in a while, running errands on a bike instead of in the car... good things good things. You keep up the good work too my brother, it just keeps getting better and better, and even when things suck and times are rough, its better to deal with it head on than thru the window of fog. Not every day is easy or great, but like you've said to others, you gotta start some time, and its going to suck at first, its going to hurt and be hard and uncomfortable, its going to be trying and taxing, and our nimble minds are going to play tricks on us and try to convince us to wait until tomorrow, or until the end of the semester, or at the end of this bottle of pills... that day never comes. Today is the day. Thanks for all your support on here. Keep up the good work.

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Sky my brother great supper good job sounds like you made your first big step don’t throw your pills away keep them on the counter the bottle of five pills will give you the will yes brother the will to succeeded in your journey to get clean. Throw it away when you are recovered and ready. I still have a full battle of adderall on my dresser when I’m reedy I will throw my bottle away butt not down the drain. I will tie a rock around it with a rubber band and throw the battle into my shrinks office window maybe he will get the message not to prescribe the junk willy dilly. Your journey is Wright at the beginning you will have to crash my brother it will be an uncomfortable week to ten days for you. I call it hell week I’m assuming that your crash will be somewhat mild I hope so butt what the fuck do I know I’m still a newbie in recovery. Any how I am proud of you my brother. Do not step back into your old ways’ please don’t look at me I feel like a cheerleader for you. Anyhow back to the issue at hand after your crash you will become tierd and maybe some chronic fatigue you will have some anxiety and mood swings butt don’t worry these symptoms will lesson in intensity as your body cleans it self out from the chemicals . Keep us in the loop on your progress we are your support group we are her for you like the members on this website where and are her for me what helps me on the first 10 days was cammamel tea it has a mild culming affect drink a lot I went thru 1 box every two days. Take it to school or work in a thermos bottle. Yours truly. HAY look at this my photo im no longer a newbee I am now an advanced member how do you like that.surprise surprise.

THE FALCON

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haha nice! next is counselor level! yes the next test for me will be Thursday, I have a gig I'll have to wake up at 4:30am for and drive for an hour and a half, and then work -- normally I would pop a few just before getting in the shower, and a few more before going in to my gig, and then a few more on the job... I'd be on point and in my element, and drinking lots of water. Anyway, I am sure being on adderall affected my work, my personality at work, my interpersonal skills (lack thereof) and I'm sure I looked a bit cracked out. It'll be interesting to work without it. I'm sure you're right, I'll have days that I might feel tired mid day, might lay down for a 20 minute nap and wake up a few hours later in time to go to the gym. but today was a good day. one thing I try to remind myself on the really shitty days is that it'll pass, that's also total AA / NA program "this too shall pass". but it does, you know that for some reason everything seems dismal, hopeless, worthless, lonely, but it'll pass eventually, cuz you remember feeling good, just gotta do the things you gotta do to get back there... positive literature, being grateful and consciously thinking positively, eating healthy and exercising, not watching porn or doing things that I don't like myself for doing (ie I don't care if other people watch porn, I just don't like myself if I do). And in AA NA speak, taking my own inventory, not thinking negative about others, but trying to better myself, and letting myself make mistakes, and have bad days, and then try again. I miss the old me, who wasn't that great or super healthy, or where I want to be (probably a mistake to even want to be anywhere, goals yes, but the real goal should be being happy with where you are, which I guess I am not). But the old me that felt more, had a better personality and felt better because it's like the universe responds I think.

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Yoo hello Mr. sky you see your a mr. now. You have earned my respect brother because of your honesty it is a good character to have . Well let me start by saying you will learn to walk again strait without shit in your system you mad the first step that’s a good thing my brother. Please don’t go back to your old was fallow the 12 step system you learned at AA DA. There program will help you stay clean trust me I’m a old school guy you know that Iv bin there don that believe me bro I know what the fuck I’m talking about .I have cheated death a number of times stick to your game plan it wont be easy at first you will feel some normalcy soon. It was 2 weeks before I felt some relief don’t worry what your go workers think about you they have hang-ups’ also no one is immune to life’s ups and downs it hits everyone some people get hit harder then anthers some people are born With problems they are bourn with terrifying diseases some people are born mentally retarded some people are born with no limes. Howe would you like them cards in your hand these inflected people have no chausses butt to live there life as best as they can .You see bro you and me and all are other members have a choices they are to live ther life fucket up or live it sober and drug free. I have chosen the strait way no its never to late its only to late when your 6 feet under. I’m listing to led zeppelin do you like them they are a classic band their songs never get old. Anyhow I am going into some very touchy soft ground. Subject Mr SKY watching porn well her I go some people will not agree with what I am about to discus and it will be mildly graphic so turn off your computers now 10 seconds -----------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Starting ……warrnig warning.. Porn has Ben around for centuries the Egypt the creeks the rumens our ant sisters you name it porn is nothing new the only thing new is the access to it via computer 8mm moves vcr and dvd . We live in a sexual society sex is all offer the place more so now then any time in history TV programs move theaters underwear endorsements by mikel Jordan of the bulls house party’s clubs. Think about the last party or club you went to the baby’s dress up to kill brother you no what I mean they dress so fuckin sexy they could get a 99 year old man Horney. Porn has its place in our society what I mean is you are young and you have lots of hormones flattering in your brain so how to release that Belt up energy lets face the facts your sexual drive must be relieved in a Peaceful non treating way usually by pleasuring your self that’s if you do not have a significant other this goes for men and women. Do you no I know several women whom admittedly watch porn and take char of their needs it’s a natural human instinct. When porn becomes a problem is when

you are obsessed by porn 24/7 or if you are into some freaky ass shit or the worst is if your into children then you should get your fuckin balls cut off and castrated by someone’s father or maybe me or A skin head in the joint. You get my drift . This is when you need to seek a professional and get help from a therapist’s. SKY don’t feel bad my brother you are a normal man. I am sure you are not a pervert don’t fell guilty and by all means don’t hate your self . I am sorry if this subject was sensitive to some people it’s the only way I know how to express my self don’t forget I went to school of hard knocks University . THE FALCON

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I haven't been on here since I posted this a while ago... and I wanted to thank everyone x10000000 for your responses! It seriously means so much more than you all realize... I am really struggling and it's so encouraging that all of you (basically strangers) take the time to read my posts and help support me in my struggle towards freedom from this evil drug! I really cannot stress how appreciative I am of all the comments.

Thank you for taking the time to help me

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I used to have some bad hypochondria episodes when I was on Adderall, especially towards the end when the dosage was getting really high. It definitely contributed to me quitting, but I think the real final straw was when the stuff was barely even helping me function anymore, when I started having suicidal thoughts, and when I started losing my hair. (Losing your hair is hard on a hypochondriac.)

Does adderrall make girls loose hair. When I upped my dosage from 20mg twice a day to 30mg twic a day a lot of my. Hair has fallen out. I chalked it up to the chemical straighter I recently used but this type of balding hair loss has never happene d to me from the chemical straightnent product I've used for over 15yrs

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Yes absolutely. My hairdresser asked me because he was so shocked, whether I'd been through a period of extremely high stress. It grows back, I hope. Actually, does it? Cassie or anyone, are there any supplements you'd recommend here?

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My hair has gotten so much healthier and thicker since quitting. Supplements might help, but time will too, or it has for me. I didn't even notice it, until people starting complimenting how healthy my hair looks. I actually didn't tie it to quitting adderall until now.....interesting.

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My hair was thin and limp on adderall. It's much more lustrous now, for sure. I don't think I actually lost hair, rather it was so dry from the adderall that each strand lacked moisture and appeared thinner. I'm sure it will grow back. Wellbutrin can cause hair thinning too.

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Hi all,

So basically, what I am asking for is:

1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now

2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?

I got to a point where my brain couldn't take these insane dosages of adderall anymore. I was in psychosis 24 hours at this point. Any time I took adderall it would trigger worse psychosis.

And I got busted by my doctor. After a series of events...A very concerned relative of mine called and busted me. I showed up to get pills in a state of psychosis. All these crazy things came out of my mouth, too embarrassing to repeat. Even if my relative didnt call my doctor with a heads up, she would have figured it out by the crazy words coming out of my mouth. i was in psychosis and totally paranoid and rambling crazy things. My doc called an ambulance directly to her office, which carried me directly to an addiction hospital. On the way to the addiction hospital The ambulance people counted the remaining pills in my bottle and found all these pills missing and interrogated me. I spent the entire day under observation, was interviewed and evaluated by at least 4 to 6 different psychiatrists and was sent under more observation. I was told my doctor believed i was a threat to myself. And eventually nearly sent rehab, but I begged my way out of it. Legally, they could not force me to enter the rehab clinic upstairs. The whole day even though I was cut off from my adderall I was hearing imaginary conversations and totally in psychosis. Out of doctors to turn...I gave up..there is more to this story but that is the gist..

Now. This wasn't even my worst instance. I've ended up locked in padded observation rooms and resisted and injected with sedatives, handcuffed into ambulances...just a lot of incidences I am not proud of. Maybe another time. I hope none of you get to that place.

Sigh, anyway, be strong everyone. Adderall is awful.for anyone who doesn't believe so, .it can be just as bad as meth as you can see from my experience...I'm grateful to be free and back on track. I feel happy, healthy and normal now. There have been so many positive changes in my life since quitting. I can't even begin to describe how worth it is has been. The struggle with addiction consumes a person, to be free of that is amazing.

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