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Shambo

I thought I was super mom. Um. No.

14 posts in this topic

I've lurked here for a year or so & must first say how great it is to read the genuine encouragement written by people in recovery and people who are still using, to people trying to quit. Great community here.

I'm sure that writing my story out is something I must do. It's certainly not easy and so far it's a slow process that's consisted of me sitting here, staring at the blinking blue cursor for long stretches of time. Humbling.

I stumbled upon info about Adderall during a zombie google session, not long after I'd had my 5th baby. He was about 5 months old and my ass wasn't getting any smaller. I'd been diagnosed 5 years prior with ADHD and took some crazy meds I can't recall now. Damn. Effexor! That's what it was. It was beyond awful but after reading about adderall, I made an appt with a different dr and was very straight forward about my past experience and diagnosis and that I wanted to try adderall. That was 2 1/2 years ago. My son was 5 months old. He'll be 3 soon. And I've been a fucking robot.

All 5 of my kids are homeschooled. All 5 of my kids have watched me slowly retreat deep inside myself to the point of basically babysitting them as they did whatever they wanted. I never wanted to talk to or be around people I knew. I'd load the kids up and road trip across the country but screw going grocery shopping unless it was late at night. I shut off my cell phone. Deleted my Facebook. I've been taking 90 20mg in a week & 1/2 to 2 weeks for the last 5 months.

The last time I went without for 2 weeks, all I could think about was killing myself. I've never had depression and it scared the shit outta me. But yesterday I ate my last 8 pills and my refill isn't until Nov 8. I'm done. I'm afraid. I'm so so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed ridden depression. I'm afraid of the guilt I have to face over not being authenticly connected with my kids or anyone else. I'm afraid of gaining weight. The list is a mile long, really.

But I'm also over it. I'm sick to death of reading my life away. Devouring parenting books isn't the equvilant of being a parent. Reading spirituality books and struggling to connect with something greater than myself, all the while feeding my addiction that makes me think of nothing BUT myself. I don't talk to any of my friends for months. I'm socially weirdy weirdo- awkward pauses or 90 mile an hour rant about taquitos- depends on the day.

I'm an awesome mom. I love being with friends and cracking jokes. I love naps in the yard on Saturday afternoon. I love being full of creativity and belly laughs. I love being trusted with someone's hurt and actually feeling empathy. I love singing to the radio. I love cooking. I love me. And I miss me. It's time my kids have ME again.

I'm going to stock up on supplements tomorrow and pray my way through this. Life is much to short to waste like this. Hey Adderall, you can suck it. Xoxo, Chelle

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it's hard to talk recover without sounding like an AA or NA newb talking program, but one thing they say is "a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step..." or something like that. You know its going to suck and be hella uncomfortable at first, for a while maybe, but slowly it gets better.... I kicked heroine when I was younger, that was no breeze, but you know, having the flu sucks too, and there's no magic cure for that that'll just make it go away... If you've hit that wall finally, all you can do is start to cross that bridge of hell, you have to in order to get to the other side- and that other side is going to be much better- not heaven, but at least you'll have real problems and not self inflicted ones caused by a weird mystery pill that is supposed to help but ends up creating more problems. I think in hindsight, our ADD and issues are much easier to deal with than the long term effects and ultimate "kicking" of the habit. I hope you seek help, not necessarily any particular type of help, but searching for tools to help you get thru it, the spirituality part is great, perhaps some natural type of meds- Sam-E is a big one but I have NO IDEA if it's legit or bs or the new St Johns Wort or what..... you found this forum, I think it's a good place (I sure as hell hope so! I like to think we can be candid and open and honest under the "anon" status, hope that's for real. I can totally see NBC or CNN wanting to do a story on adderall addiction and finding this forum and somehow uncloaking us, or is that just paranoia?) Life has to be better in a real way without so much mind altering chemicals. Its clear that for some of us they just don't work, they turn us into people we don't like, into people others don't like, into someone we're not proud to be. But we went down that long road with the crutch, and now it's time to turn back and limp back to where we were, sans crutch, and it's going to be long, it's going to hurt, but we'll all get stronger the longer we go, and soon enough we can lift our heads up and enjoy the view and the road back to reality....

keep your head up sister, it ain't easy, but it's better than the alternative...

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Chelle hi sister your story is very emotional for me lets try to put some prospective into your predicament you are a great mom I am sure of that you would give your life away for thus kids I Know baby you would .I cant imagine home schooling 5 kids man what a sacrifice this is for you a full time job +5 wow. And on top of it doing house work laundry cooking shopping wow your plate is full baby its overflowing . Please don’t kill your self your kids need you even in the conditions your in. Kids need there mommas you must have a fantastic bound with them that is a gift in itself. Well lets see what your options are do you have support from your husband I don’t Know if you are married you did not mention that in your story. If you are married dos your huby help you out in any way. Do you have any support from family members dos your shrink talk to you or is it wam bam thank you mam Chelle her are your scripts see you in 3 mouths don’t forget to pay on your way out . These are the questions I have for you Wright now. Man you got no time for chelle do you your day is filled up with taking car of every one else butt your self don’t worry about your extra pounds your putting on Wright now we need to get you healthy. Before you crash and burn . I’m reading your story and your not to far away from braking down. You probably do not have depression a side affect of to much adderall is depression so we need to get you clean you are on a high dos and long term it will be a painful crash and withdrawal for you theirs no way around it that’s the way it is .You are out of pills now so this is the time to make your mind up about quitting adderall. I’m sure your shrink will be more then happy to give you a script if you call them butt you will only be chasing your tall and nothing will be accomplished. I truly think you will need help you will go crazy without your adderall you have a very heavy days your tasks are challenging . I think you should do the step down method and stay with the step down schedule do not alter your step down at all ore you will be defeating all your progress ether way it will be hard. Really hard. Step down will take about 4 to 6 mounts and Cold turkey if you can do it will take about 1 to 2 weeks of what I call crashing and then another 10 to 12 weeks of no energy and depression their are your options . What ever method you chose I am her for you and our members ar also here for you. I am her for you when you need With some support quitting adderall we are a lot cheaper then the doctors . Love you baby you will be on my mind Intel you are healthy again THE FALCON hay its 12:05 am I AM 30 DAYS clean now. Cant believe it yahoo ow yaa. Please keep intuch

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Sky my brother you sound like your tweeking Wright now am I Wright my intuition tells me you are I’m yousally Wright you are like rambling on about what I really don’t know I understand 50% of what you where tiring to express to chelle .Sorry brother slow it down a little hope you are being trutfull with us when you said your Quitting adderall it dos not sound like it Wright at the monument your friend FALCON

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Hey Chelle,

I can relate to your story! I started taking this as a mom as well. For me, the first two weeks were the worse (I'm on my 3rd try in 3 months). I'm almost to a month and the suicidal thoughts have finally drifted away!

What has helped me is celebrating the things I get done (no matter how small) instead of the things I don't! Like 'I made it all day without napping' OR I cleaned the kitchen for the first time off adderall and it SUCKED ASS but I got it done!!

Hang in there!

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Sky good job brother I’m proud off you keep it clean good luck in your recovery you will make it thru hell week your friend FALCON

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Chelle

Give us some information about your situation I am thinking about you. I don’t want to see you crash and burn let us know your dissection on the direction your taking cold turkey or step down. I still say WOW what a schedule you have we are all in your corner and you have our support LOVE THE FALCON

DAY 30 clean

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Day 2. Got up this morning and drove to town to get some L- Tyrowhateveritscalled. I ran out of SamE yesterday and the store was out as well. I thought Id fall asleep on the drive there, but managed to get to the coffee shop and order a triple. I drank that, took the supplements, did a few errands and came home for a 3 hour nap. I've been in bed since. I'm not depressed, thank god. Just feeling lazy. To answer your questions Falcon, my husband is a saint but it's going to be tough fighting feelings of guilt over not having the house clean and dinner done- not to mention being on my A game with the kids- but its temporary and a means to an end. I can't step down with the meds. I don't want them. I am powerless against them when I have them. I've tried and every month it's the same thing. I do great for 3 or 4 days, then Ill eat 12 and be in bed by 9- ill barely feel anything.

Jenna, that's a great point. And I did that today to justify my nap. I took the kids to the library. Have any of you tried NA meetings? I saw someone mention secular type meetings, but they don't have those in my area. I'm in FL too, Jenna. PM me if you'd like. I'll be without Internet until next week, so I won't post again till then. Thanks for being here to talk to, guys. It helps.

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Chelle

Hi sister its good to here your huby is supportive. If you wan to eat your bed don’t forget to put some ketchup on the mattress every thing taste better with ketchup HA HA jest kidding with you. Well let me get to the point day #3 for you that’s great that’s 3 days behind you it will be a bitch for the next 7 days after that it starts to get easer. Trust me Iv jest recently went true it my self I call it two weeks in hell .Eat what ever you want right now sleep when ever you can right now its all about you for a change. The most important thing now is your crash landing its going to hert baby no two ways about it no way around it you will fell like shit ten times over you will be very tierd possible chronic fatigue you will have mussel pains all over your body head aces and whatever you can think of when your after crashing you will start to feel some relief in about 7 more days stay stong remember its for you and your faimialy drink coffee it will help a little to much coffee or other types of stimulants my give you a zombie feeling because of over stimulating. That’s only my experience hoping it will be a soft crash landing for you don’t worry so much about eating everything in site if it makes you feel good go for it jest DO NOT GO FOR THE ADDERALL 7 more days you will think much clearly trust me. You will deal with your wait issue when you get a little more natural energy back. You know you will need to do some exercise to get your dopamine up and running on its own without adderall at that time you can work on lousing some pounds. Yours truly THE FALCAN

30 days clean today HURA. Second song of the day ZAMBIE ZOO by

TOM PETTY.

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Hey chelle,

Ya, I gained 25 lb's already ~ but I did need to gain some weight. I had wasted away to a size 2 and I am not someone who should be a size 2 - i'm 5'6 ish. I feel better now - just don't want to gain anymore then another 5 or so. PLUS you get to go shopping.

Ihear you - I could barley get out of bed at 1:30 to go get my baby from school the first week. The L-thysoine helps a ton!! Just got some Sam-e today, I have good hopes for it ~ we will see! tommrow is a month for me too!!

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PS Chelle, is there anyone who can help with your kids?? Grandma (my mom) stayed with me a whole week and pretty much took care of the whole house - I would not have been able to do it with out her!

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