AnxiousSteve Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Hello everyone, My name is Steve and I'm quitting Adderall. I can barley type this, I'm on Adderall and yet I still can't pay attention, without it I can't pay attention at all, but I realized recently that the only reason I take it at this point is to feel good. I feel like I've wasted the last four years of my life, high on Adderall, not noticing my life wasn't going anywhere. My whole college experience has been me euphorically surfing the internet and listening to music, while everyone else was out making friends, getting girlfriends, I completely isolated myself. Today I'm in basically the same position I was in when I graduated high school, except less healthy and with my teeth grinded out of the perfect alignment my braces had left them in. Like most people, after a few years of being blissfully high, tolerance started kicking in. I tried everything to slow it down but nothing really worked, after awhile I started doing an extra pill here and there. Soon, my first time without it was when I started binging on it to pull all nighters, of course it ran out early. Having no friends or "hook ups" I simply waited it out. That first week or so off merely made me appreciate Adderall more, the whole time was just a fog for me, a zombie state counting down the days until I could be awake again. Once I got my new prescription I said to myself, never again... but of course, I did it again, and again, etc. The first time I stumbled on this site I assumed it was just a crazy religious site that preached all drugs are bad, I continued searching about Adderall and how awesome it is. Roughly a year ago, as my tolerance began to be very noticeable, I googled "quitting adderall" and rediscovered this site, after reading some articles I ended up flushing my prescription down the toilet. The next day I woke up and thought to myself "shit what have I done?!? I just thought that was a good idea because I was high on Adderal! stupid website!". Finally, my third..or fourth attempt at quitting starts tomorrow, instead of doing something dramatic like flushing my prescription, I'm just gonna stop. I'm sick of myself, over the last four years I lost at least 50 pounds of muscle, weight which I worked hard for, and am now in a state of "bad skinny". What tipped me over the edge was staying up for sometimes three nights in a row, at some point I became truly numb. No empathy, no care, no feelings.. I found this state extremely disturbing. I'm back to normal after sleeping ten hours a few nights in a row, but now I'm taking it again.. I've had enough. I'de rather drift through life with ADD than speed through it with Adderall. My biggest issue with quitting is I know I'll go from mildly depressed to badly depressed, from enjoying work to suffering work, but its still worth it. I might ask my doctor for anti-depressants first. I also have to make sure I don't start drinking at all, whenever I took time off I also ended up drinking too much, like feeling drunk is the next best thing to feeling sober. Should prob. also watch my caffeine intake as well... I feel like I'm stuck, before starting Adderall I was horribly depressed and unbearably anxious. I know when I stop I'm just oing to go back to that.. but at least it will be real =( Anyway, despite recovering my soul by sleeping as much as possible, I'm still disgusted with myself. Its hard to describe how shitty I feel, like I've been in a weird hypnosis for four years. It's 3AM, on Adderall, and I'm fucking done. Anyway, I hope enjoyed my reflection/rant, thanks for reading! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkr Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Steve, I'm in the same place as you with the anxiety and depression. And yes, once you quit, you'll be right back there. Please go out and get some Sam-E (start with 200mg a day, build up until you get some relief and then step it down til you feel like you need it again--it builds up and too much can make you very anxious. Ultimately you'll find your proper maintenance dose), fish oils, magnesium -there's a good one called "Calm" by Natural Vitality, a good quality multivitamin with the RDA of B vitamins, and some vitamin D. This will help tremendously with the depression and anxiety. Sam-E is an absolute miracle supplement, and I'm amazed it doesn't get the recognition it deserves. It also combats a lot of the fatigue. I also find it helpful to take a lot of supplements to satisfy my pill popping cravings. And do cardio like crazy! I swear, I've been sweating out four years worth of toxins, and my body feels infinitely better. I'm not totally out of the woods. I've made great progress since March, although I continue to cheat with 2.5 mg when I'm out in socially demanding situations, which I'm working on. But it is out of my everyday life. It feels so much better to actually feel life, to feel joy, to feel moved by something, to laugh, etc. I still feel like I don't have my full laugh back, and that drives me crazy. I also have periods of time where my head feels completely empty. After being a hardcore thinker my entire life, that is really disturbing to me. And I still feel disconnected from who I am, like I have to get to know myself again. My natural personality is still not ready to come out for some reason. But, every day it gets a little better, and every day I'm more grateful. And I swear I can feel the neural connections repairing. Good luck, and treat that depression! You'll be fine. pkr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkr Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Let me clarify. Every day it does NOT get better. It's haphazard. Don't get discouraged by the bad days, because this recovery is not linear. Just remind yourself that even when you have bad days, you are still making progress and the good days will return. pkr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 AnxiousSteve Hang in brother I still have a full bottle of adderall on my dresser. I personally hit bottom with no way out. I know exactly how your feeling right now well tomorrow you have decided to quit adderall man best of luck to you my advice to you is read the horror stories on this site it will get you thru your crash landing the web site helped me tremendously. I could not do it without the support of our members. Depression is all part of the us of adderall you may not Have depression at all wait and see how you feel in a few mounts less chemicals you have in your system now the more you will learn what your body needs. You have not wasted your life you are still a young man I assume. I’m 55 and jest got clean 31days for me today I dont consider my life a waste its now the new beginning for me . Our members are their for you stay strong don’t forget you already made your mind up to get clean no turning back brother. Do your crash you will feel some relief in 7 to 10 days Your new friend FALCON song for you old school classic rock OLD LOVE by ERIC CLAPTON on UNPLUGED Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highonlife Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 "I'd rather drift through life with ADD than speed through it with Adderall." So true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highonlife Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 keep that mindset and it will allow you to be content and cruise through tough times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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