Introduction - completely out of control.

[lulu]

I'm new here and so want to embellish this post with smileys and beautiful words but I'm a wreck. 3 months ago I went back to an old habit of aquiring meds outside of my rx and have completely lost control. I've purchased additional ritalin 3x in the past 3 months in addition to my script which I now burn thru in less than a week. With the contrband my intentions are always the same - just use it to get thru to the next MD apt only taking 10 or 15 bid. Um... not so much. We all know the definition of insanity. Without fail I pop them haphazardly until they're gone. As I write this I've been awake for the past 2 nights totally wired popping pills, nicorette and red bull glued to the computer. And I've totally isolated myself from everyone I know and I feel like such a failure.

Naturally there's a lot more to the story but briefly, I've been on 10 bid methylphenidate for ADD the past few years, did great so decided to do a drug holiday so to speak and after 8 months was miserable due to weight gain and lack of productivity. So my doc agreed to put me back on methylphenidate and I felt normal, got my focus back and everything's fine for the first few months until I start abusing it, now up to 100mg/ day and getting these meds from people I don't even know.

I can barely think straight at this point but still want to keep popping the pills all night long - then I don't see my doc for 3 weeks but I always do this so I know what's in store. The only positive is that I stumbled onto this website which I relate to so much so I want to cry.

Thank you all and esp Mike for doing this forum which for me right now is a g-dsend. xoxo

[Greg]

Welcome to the forums. You really need this site. You'll find a lot of people who understand where you are. I was burning through them a week and also buying pills for between prescriptions. It's a living hell. I feel so much better without any of that shit screwing up the chemicals in my brain. My biggest advice to you is to spend a lot of time reading everything you can on this site. You will also learn so much about the insanity if adderall addiction. You will learn through reading lots of testimonials is that the first step you need to take is to call your doctor, and cut yourself off and cut off your supplier. That seems to be the magic formula for all us recovering adderall addicts.

You don't need adderall. Your addiction tells you you do. You have stop listening to your addictive self and read these boards for the voice of reason.

[ashley6]

Synergistic,

I remember coming to this site 8 months ago in your state of mind. I was miserable, planning my days around how much I'd make at work, and when my dealer would be free. I knew his work schedule so we'd meet multiple times a week after my Rx ran out (usually only lasted a week and a half). It's so exhausting and just a miserable way to live. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's also terrifying to think of giving it up, but just take the plunge. I agree with InRecovery--cut off your suppliers and doctors. For me, it was the only way I felt I could do it. Give life adderall-free a chance, because living for your next fix really isn't living at all. A lot of us have been in your shoes, you're not alone. Stay connected to this site. It's a true lifeline.

[Heather67]

Hey,hey. You have found a place that can absolutely get your ass through a day without adderall...even if its hour by hour. So many things to read, things that'll make you laugh out loud and tears you'll cry when you surrender and know that you have found a place with the coolest people who know every detail of this viscious drug and the places its taken you. You will think you have written so much of it yourself

I was like you...I had about 4 drs. Working scripts. And buying from a chick in between and still not able to clear a month.set for addies. I have an insatiable appetite for them at 5'6 115 or so lbs. I've been told to make sure one of my kids knew how to dial 911... it wasn't gonna be a matter of IF,it would be a matter of WHEN. I STILL DIDNT STOP. the Friday before Xmas I did stop. Cold Turkey.....13 or so 30's a day to zero!!!! I got red flagged by actually an awesome pharmacist...doing his job!!!! For once. I admitted to him... no I cried that I had a problem. Lying to oneself is fruitless we all know it. You know its got you...it turned on you...it wont hand you an end..your kids wont, your marriage wont , even a cool pharmacist wont....YOU HAVE TO. YOU WONT KEEP UP ANYMORE. EVER. Like you heard above from those with more time....STOP. Get through day one. I woke up 8 days ago like always..not even outta bed"HOW MANY I GOT???" oh man, none. It was a hard hard day. But I'm sure its documented on here somewhere..like day 2,etc. I got thru the worst part, so did Ashley,quit once,falcon and so many others who have been honestly the reason I was able to be listed amongst them. So please dont delay day one... its always gonna be there. Another day using the way we all once did,may not.

[lulu]

Thanks guys for your comments - they are very much appreciated. The more I think about it the more I think I need to go cold turkey - TONITE - and hopefully not sleep thru NYE plans. I don't think it's possible to have these things and not take them. The best thing I could do for myself is just flush the remainder of what's left. I know that would be a huge boost to my self-esteem which has never been lower. I will continue reading the forum and again, am super grateful for your support.

[Heather67]

For me....no, I couldn't have had them and not taken them. I don't think I'm the best one to answer the "to flush or not to flush " question. But you do know what you are perpetuating is your inevitable. You have admitted what those things you possess have done to your life. The NYE Plans???? Trust me when I say facing Christmas with a 3 year old who's all about it and living under my mothers watchful eye even tho I'm 45(long story..LOL ) was not my ideal "KIX THAT SHIT" set up. I woulda rather chewed glass. But I made it through. I don't know what demands surround day to day life for you .... quitting 101 tho, go easy on yourself whenever possible. Loosen the expectations of yourself to get through the start of it. Funny...you're gonna look maybe a little fucked up to start ...ironically tho "I'm getting normal folks the fucked up has been me the last____of years" hahaha. I feel 100 times better at 8 days than day 1. So if NYE IS weighing heavy on your flush dilemma ...you may just blend in with the other revalors without even trying. LOL. But it'll be ultimately your decision either way...I know ima still be here.

[Greg]

You can flush them and that's always good, but if you don't do something about your doctor relationship you can always go back the next month.there is something a lot more final about your quitting process when you end it with your doc, basically busting yourself to your doc. I am thinking having a family member call your doc may be the best way to do it. I mean that way really worked for me. They did a good job of conveying the seriousness of the situation.

[lulu]

neversaynever you crack me up and I hope to feel half as good as you after 8 days. Iknow the pink cloud I'm on right now is short lived but I earned it because I FLUSHED THEM !!!!!!!!!!

InRecovery I agree with you whole heartedly. I know I have to tell my doc and I will. Not saying it's going to be easy as it's not my first rodeo with addiction, just with a different kind of med.

I really didn't think the situation was as serious as it was until tonite which scared the crap out of me. I could have gone on and on popping pills through night 3. When I picked up these meds 3 days ago I really thought I'd be able to put them down but clearly that was not happening. Had I not read this forum x2 in it's entirety -- and the stories that were me verbatim that would not have happened and for that I am eternally grateful.

[Heather67]

I'm so happy!!!!! As fucked up as that kinda is that I'm saying that...me and my shiney 8 day chip. Back before I actually had 3 years off adderall.my clean date was 10-6-2006...I got busted for changing the date on a script, nice, and when the cop saw how much I was getting from many doctors...they thought for sure I had to be moving them. WHAT????? SELL THEM???? ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE??? I WOULD NEVER PART WITH THESE...EVEN FOR $$$$$. I NEEEEEED THEM. so what you did for yourself by doing that is such a great step!!!!! I don't know if I'm feeling better because I did this in a big way the other time I got clean.. .I went to an in patient rehab, got heavily into 12 step stuff after..and honestly reaped the benefits of a simple life, a happy life,a genuine life without the exhausting, mind fucking life of the chase. I didn't know what pushing myself could get me that time, but I do this time. Me still being up is legit at this hour (east coast) sleep patterns take awhile to tweak...narcolepsy and its B.F.F insomnia. I don't have a lot in my life right now, my husbands addiction did monumental damage to our family...mine could weild the final blow easily. I don't want that. If it wasn't for this site and such dead on advice from people that I want to so desperately hang out with,LOL I woulda have tried to keep going, that's what addicts do ...oblivion or bust baby!!!! I'm stoked that you ummmm, just bucked the fuck up!!! Hahaha.

[FALCON]

neversaynever

Hey baby jest got home 130 ' am in chi town went to the blues bar had a great time listening to live music its a rush. I haven’t Ben there in some time because I’m cleansing my soul if you no what I mean . Butt I did have 2 jack danuals . I needed to unwind a little .Your fucken post are a great read you are like me in a way you say it the way it is no fucken sugar coating .You go baby you sound fantastic and full of life I am Julius you feel so good in such little time. You go girl keep the will power strong. And don’t relapse you promos.

Love FALCON

[Heather67]

That's one of the cool things I gravitate towards falcon...people that have taken the hard road to learn about themselves. All of it including the tough shit. I know for me originally ...I chased and used to the degree I did because i knew not a God damn honest anything about myself. And what I thought I did...I didn't like. I wore many hats...wife,mom,daughter and I tried so hard to live the ideals of each oneof those roles....just geting caught I'm the undertow of my own life....and drug addiction loves a little people pleaser. So throughout recovery the first time....I worked hard on finding a voice. Learning I was cool with me and realize I didn't need a management team in life to make all my choices. I still have a hard time being responsible...as you know from me being here again....practice,practice, practice. And the first time out I abstained from all potentially mind altering chemicals too...I went to some LOUD head bangin shows strait as an arrow...but I've never had a problem with a drink here and there...or should I say a few shots of crown ....but I know that's not for everyone...so in no way do I advocate changing ones demon...I know we both recognize our limits...in the past I had none of those. NO STOP SIGNS,SPEED LIMITS,NO BODY WAS GONNA SLOW ME DOWN...LOL. today I have some snow to shovel...ewwww..a 3 year old who wants out there....and a shit ton of coffee to drink. Be good.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

synergystic, the gang here is awesome... I'm a little late to the party but absolutely not without as much enthusiasm and support you need.

Congrats on flushing. Now comes the hard part :-). Sleep through New Year's, sounds like a great plan. You are beginning a new year and a new life. Just remember that in your darkest hours... I wish I'd had someone around to tell me than when I was about 2 weeks in.

You'll be fine, your brain will recover... I was scared as hell when my brain just wouldn't work properly but everyone here, patient as they were, told me I'd be ok, and I am. Mostly.

Hang in there!

[lulu]

Thanks to all -- I am so touched by your comments. As predicted I've been asleep for most of the past however many days... cancelled plans... polished off the food ... head hurts ... teeth hurt ... no shower for days - disgusting. As bad as my brain hurts right now I need to do the written exercises on this site because already I'm starting to forget...

Thanks to all for your support ... syn

[Heather67]

Awwww man I know....its so not about dealing with the public at all in the beginning! !!! For many reasons!! But your public wont be able to get enough of how much better you'll be soon enough. More importantly tho...how u feel about the new way of life you've worked your ass off to get!!!! So much LESS EXHAUSTING IN THE LO.G RUN. free of all the detailed thinking..counting and stressing. All for something you're body doesn't need . Only our addict brain tells us it does. You're regaining control of the one thing we all own...with no paperwork or Co signer,riders or clauses....SELF!!!!!! HOLLA,HOLLA...YOU ARE ON. YOUR WAY!!! STAY STRONG WHEN TELLIN 2012 TO UMMMM...SUCK IT!!! SORRY!! XO