Searchingsoul9

Need Help. Adderall has taken over my life.

67 posts in this topic

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I am 20 years old and have been abusing adderall for about a year now.

I experimented with it in high school and one summer almost every day, staying awake for up to 3 days non stop, hallucinating, not eating, going literally insane.

Well, i decided i wanted to get a skript because i was battling with severe dependence to weed. On top of that i have been bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so the weed made my bulimia that much worse. I was ecstatic when i got the prescription after 10 minutes of being in my psychiatrists office.

Things were great, the typical adderall story. I was motivated, happy, losing weight without trying, i decided to go back to college, kept my first long term job, you get the picture. After the first month or so my tolerance was building very rapidly. I took a few days off the drug here and there, but that didn't help to slow it. I started at 10mg and am prescribed 40mg a day now, but take anywhere from 60-110mg a day, everyday. I always had a HORRIBLE time with the crash. It seemed even at the beginning the adderall high only lasted TOPS 5 hours, then slowly the crash took over the rest of my evenings. So i turned to heavy drinking to combat the debilitating lows. It helped, until it didn't. Now i am back to drinking and smoking weed to comedown and sleep.

Here are my side effects. It started with the usual rapid heartbeat (only when crashing), extremely cold, anxiety, intense irritation towards others/noises, itching(feeling like there was a bug or feather touching my body, id itch the hell out of my skin and be left with fingernail marks all over), and of course insomnia.

I think about a month or two ago (i have no acurate perspective of time, since it all seemed to just fly by) i started getting intense heat flashes. I would go from freezing to burning up with a rred face and rash on my chest, then back to freezing, i have been getting bad muscle tremors. My head will quickly twitch side to side throughout the day, as well as my legs and arms. My hands are shaky as a leaf, always. Everyone notices that too. My eyesight gets blurred/foggy dduring the crash. Usually my right eye will lose a good 30% of it's vision and get bloodshoot. There's many more symptoms, but the worse one has to be my fingers/hands. I have always had bad circulation and in cold temps. my fingers turned numb and i had to warm them. But since starting adderall it has really made it much worse. Now, they turn purple/blue even when it is not cold out. My hands are never just normally white anymore, they are always purple or very red. It is VERY embarrassing and everyone at work comments on it.

I also noticed that now when i smoke weed i am very weird. I always was self conscious, especially high, but now it's like the entire time i am in my own head, picking things apart. When my friend is talking, all i am doing is nodding and wondering if he is analyzing me/how i look. I realize especially when i've smoked weed that i subconsciously am curling and uncurling my toes, digging my fingernail into my hands, biting my cheek, and i never look my friends in the eyes, i stare of into space and pretend i am present.

I have come onto this site a lot when i feel i am ready to quit, like last night. But here i am today, considering taking my adderall. I don't even know why. It's like the adderall numbs my emotions and feelings towards others, but when i am not on it i feel completely numb. A different numb though. I have never been able to deal with feelings. Ever since i was a little girl. I never talked about how i felt, i put on a happy face, hid behind my eating disorder, then drugs, alcohol, weed, now adderall. I don't know how to be "normal" i am so used to living in my own dysfunctional world. I don't know if i can learn to cope in the real world.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Normal will come my child when u stop taking addies...you don't take them as prescribed like the vast majority of us on here. It takes time,work,patience and will power to get to normal. I'm about 2.5 weeks in on the road to normal....this time. I had 3 years and chose to abuse adderall again....it doesn't change for us..we pick up where the chaos left us last time. And where it will always leave the ones addicted to it. Awesome you are recognizing that you can't take it normally ..you've admitted your problems,cool people on here will give you all the info you need to get you through....bit the road to normal is not handed to us....you have to place yourself on it and stay on it....not always easy,but take control away from adderall,it doesn't care about your life,you have to. Please keep posting and reading!!!

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Neversaynever, thank you so much. I wish there was a quick fix. I have always looked for quick fixes, and they help me for a short period, then it all comes crashing down. You said some very wise things. I know adderall doesn't care about my well being. I know deep down i do, but right now i am having an internal argument with myself. One second i am 100% sure i can get through today without the pill, and the next i am about to take it. This battle has been going on for over an hour now. It is driving me insane. I know if i take it i will finally get my lazy ass out of bed and "live" my day, but i also know that within a few hours of taking it i will crash down lower than i am now. I will regret it, as i do every night. Yet, i find myself thinking, "Tomorrow i will do better, tomorrow" But i am not guaranteed tomorrow. Some days/nights i can take adderall and feel totally fine, no health scares, but then other nights i have major anxiety attacks or a variety of side effects.

Is it worth dieing? No. I know it's not. But my impulsive self says, "do it."

I have done some messed up crap on this drug, and one of the things i've done i have kept a secret from my friends/family. It is the main reason i find myself looking to the pill bottle. It numbs me to my bad choices. Makes me forget for a while that it even matters to me what pain i inflict upon others. I used to be such an overly caring person. I hated it, others peoples moods/feelings effected mine immensely, but with the adderall i don't have the burden of caring. Which is a horrible thing to say, but it's the truth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its not horrible ..its a fact. Addiction goes much deeper than the drug. Those things you speak of thar we don't want to care about. There are indivual reasons that an addict seeks their own personal oblivion,mine was to be everything everybody else fuckin wanted me to be. Addies numbed the pain of being very resentful at myself for not having the balls to take the reigns of..well...me. they don't allow us to feel real anything. ..all psuedo girl!!! You will read things on here that'll you'll think you wrote yourself. Adderall is unique to adderall users and abusers. I knew the ins and outs of my own hustle better than anything else. I meticulously honed the fucked up skills to get the ridiculous amount I needed. This time...2'ish weeks ago..right before Christmas with a 3 year old...I went from 13-30's a day to 0!!!! Talk about sucking....but it gets better..in the big pic of life...its rather short..just feels long. Others will be chiming in for you soon, people with a lot more time than me...but ultimately it'll be up to you....don't plan on much help from your brain....adderall has infested it currently and it'll give you all the reasons to continue...to use a slogan...u kinda gotta just do it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if you want you life to improve, then IMMEDIATELY start doing the right thing. stop putting it off until later or until tomorrow... tomorrow never comes, until wreckage has been wrought and damage done. stop the consequences from happening by heading them off at the pass, don't take addy today, instead do things that contribute to those small steps towards recovery and a better string of endless tomorrows.

whatever you do, don't take it today. the first day is hard, get by by the hair of your chinny chin chin, you can do it. you know it's going to suck, suck it up and deal. toughen up, you've got a long hard road ahead of you and you need strength, courage, commitment, and determination to get there. but the goal is MUCH better than the alternative. You sound like you need to do some soul repair. everything you do from now on, do towards the positive new you. it'll get exciting on days 2- infinity, with maybe a few shitty days here and there for spice and reality checks. get thru them knowing tomorrow will be better. do it chicka, no excuses. you're young and you're fucking up your mind and body. it stops now.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Sky. You have no idea have much your comment helped. It is 3pm, and i know there is NO point in taking it today. I will get through today. I have forced myself to make some eggs and a pb&j and just watch some funny shows on netflix. I can be lazy today. I planned on exercising all day, but ...well that didn't happen. Maybe i can go for a jog this evening. I know i need to throw exercise into the mix right away. If i don't, then i risk binging and purging and whenever that happens i turn to adderall without a thought.

Times when i have ran out of my skript i have made it through at least a week, feeling better...but whenever it was time for a refill, i went to get it just because i could. Right now i have a 3 month supply in my room, but i will use my willpower to fight the urges. I hope one day VERY soon i can find the strength to throw them out. Right now, i am too weak though. I hope my ability to joke and laugh comes around tomorrow. Usually the first day off adderall i am a hyper, giddy mess, but today i have just felt numb entirely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

give yourself time to heal, time to feel crappy, time to be unproductive and bla and lazy and ugh and '_'

its a process, but as long as you do those things that are steps towards your goal of a new and improved you, you're making progress and doing those things that will get you there. Define yourself to yourself on how you want to be. Set that as a goal, and work towards that.

It will get better, you will feel better, it will get easier. The adderall will stop calling to you. I too have a ton of pills from my last refill that I haven't touched, nor do they call to me, they just sit there, like a cobweb, like dust bunnies behind my bathroom door. Work on feeling better about yourself and who you are, I know it's tough for young women and body image is huge and addy and weight "management" are a popular combo.... it's all totally self destructive.

keep coming around here and seeking help and support, it sucks for a while, I remember when neversaynever first got here, she was in your position, she suffered and had a string of shitty days camped out in sweats, sweating it out.... look at her now, a poster child of positivity.... that'll be you soon too. know that the pain and discomfort are your own fault for the choices you've made, deal, suffer, it ain't that bad, the flu is much worse, get thru it, you will, and you'll be fine.... netflix is our friend in those first bunch of days..........................................

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Searchingsoul9,

Girl, you came to the right place. I never, in a million years, thought I could give up the adderall. I've realized after 9 months off of them, all I was doing was masking my anxiety and depression, although all adderall really does is intensify it times 100. It sounds like you have a lot of issues with anxiety and depression, considering you've abused your body with not only drugs but an eating disorder as well. I truly feel for you. Have you seen a therapist? Cutting off the adderall is key, but you're going to be left with yourself and your self-destructive thinking. We can change our thoughts, but I've found counseling to be of so much help, because I really didn't know, and still working on, how to be content with me....sober me. Life is so much better adderall-free. Don't think about the road of recovery ahead of you...focus on this minute, this hour, then this day of no adderall. I don't think I could have had an adderall stash and gotten off of them, but some people like sky can....to each their own there. If it's calling to you, you're putting yourself in dangerous territory. A lot of people have to hit rock bottom before quitting. It sounds like you might be there. You can do this. AA says "one day at a time," and that's been something I've lived by. We're all here for you. I hope you choose a better life for yourself. That adderall hell is not it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Searchingsoul9,Hey baby girl sounds like your battling many different issues adderall ,alcohol ,weed, anorexic ,bulimic, Holy cow what can I say its a lot of repairing and recovery you need. We can be some support to you in quitting adderall if you have the will power to quit we are her for you . Man I feel for you the mental pain your in and along with all your physical symptoms it most be weighting very heavy on you right now. I wish I can jump into this computer give you a big hug and make it all go away for you butt I cant . Can I make a suggestion I think you need to confront your parents about your problem believe me they all ready know something is not right with there baby girl you will need the support of your family to get thru your many issues. If you are really ready to get healthy it will take many mounts of therapy by a professional teem to work with you and your addictions , emotional anxiety, anorexic, bulimic problems. I am so sorry for being so direct. I don’t want to sugar coat your problems they are serous and your life may be at risk if you do not get the proper treatment I jest do not want to see you suffering any more and I am hopping to open up your eyes to let you see that you need more help than quitting adderall can give you Like I said we are here for you if you need our support. Please keep on posting I am very concerned about you.Your friend FALCON

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Falcon, Ashley, & Sky...thank you all for the kind words. I found myself sitting here crying my eyes out for the first time in i don't know how long. It hurts. Deep inside my soul aches and has been crying out for help for many years. I am a stubborn person, to say the least. I don't like people to know just how royally screwed up i am. I've always correlated emotions to mean i was weak or needy. I know it is both natural and necessary to feel the ups and downs of life, but it's such a foreign concept to me. Basically 11-12 years of my 20 on this earth have been filled with me stuffing my feelings down and avoiding dealing with them. Whether is be family issues, school, friends, relationships, mistakes, etc. I mean, i was in a mentally/physically abusive relationship for almost 2 years. I never dealt with the pain from it. I basically just moved on (this was before the adderall) and i don't feel sadness towards that part of my life, or regret. It is what it is, but i am worried that eventually my feelings towards the situation will come out of the deep hole i buried it in. I don't want to deal with everything i have pushed out of my mind. I don't know if i could. It's weird to say, but i don't think i have ever been "happy". Of course, i had my fair share of laughs and good times in life, but it never lasted. Most of my memories are of me living inside my head, feeling empty, and depressed. And with adderall, for the first time i felt "happy". Fake happiness, yes. But it was more than i had experienced. I sound like a total depresso loser haha. I don't like to think that i am. Before adderall i was a positive person overall. I may have put on a happy facade a lot of the times, but i had hope. I always had hope. Now, i have no hope. I have lost that one little thing that kept me going.

All i have ever wanted was to love my body, have a healthy relationship with food, and be normal. I know it is possible. I know i need outside help aside from an online community of wonderful people. I have a therapist now, but she basically tells me to eat fruits and stop purging. So, maybe time to look for a new one.

I just hate talking to a therapist. I feel so analyzed. I can't speak about my life experiences without laughing or with little-no emotion. I am so disconnected from myself, that i don't even take my issues seriously.

I hope that i truly have hit rock bottom. I don't want to go back to the pills. But as fucked up as it is, i would rather stay on them than gain any weight when quitting. I set myself up for this disastrous life. I remember being 13 and glamorizing drugs and cigarettes. Edie Sedgwick was my idol. I was that lost little girl who knew one day her life would be taken over by addiction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And to make matter worse, my mom gets home and says "why don't you clean your room before school starts back up, that'll make you feel much better"

I said, "Well that would require me taking my adderall"

She says, "You're telling me you need a pill just to get up and clean your room?"

(Sarcastic tone.)

Yes i said, in so many words. Well don't i feel like a lazy loser piece of shit now.

She doesn't get it at all. She doesn't think that me having relied on a pill to get me out of bed for the past year has effected me in the least.

I'm sorry to say, it has. I recently told her my side effects from the adderall. She concluded i should get off of it and get onto an antidepressant. And poof, i'll be happy. She knows about my ED, and all past drug/alcohol use.

She means well, but her unrealistically positive outlook makes me angry. I want nothing more than to self destruct right now and take my pills. Clean my damn room and stop feeling.

This is what i was trying to explain. When someone sets me off, i implode big time. Always have. If in the past someone said i looked thinner or fatter i would binge or starve. Someone tells me i'm boring, i run to the alcohol. Anything and everything i feel good or bad, i turn to my disordered coping mechanisms.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you might have learned from your mom to put on a happy face and not express your thoughts or feelings....just put on a facade that all is well. I'm sure she loves you, but it's probably denial that she has a daughter in pain. Good parents want us to be happy and prosperous, but unfortunately sweeping issues under the rug is highly ineffective. Hang in there, girl.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your symptoms sound very similar to mine toward the latter part of my addiction, when I was basically starving myself, extremely dehydrated, and felt like I literally couldn't function without adderall. Not to scare you lady, but the next thing that happened to me was amphetamine psychosis, which I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemy. You literally lose your mind. I pray you don't let that happen to you.... and even though you might think to yourself, "oh no, that is only for crazy crack addicts", I'll just remind you of how similar our circumstances are: I started taking adderall to lose weight, I was on the same amount daily as you, I have a history of eating disorders, a difficult relationship with my parents, years of self-image and self-esteem problems, a tendency towards neuroticism and paranoia, a trend of blaming myself for everything, and almost all of the physical side effects too... the list goes on.

Just remember you have us to support you. Just try, if you can, to take it one day at a time, and listen to the advice from everyone here. As you have seen, the people on this forum have saved my life and stopped me from relapsing.

Show your mom this site. Let her in on what you're going through.

Go to bed for a few days, really, you're not expected to be yourself for a while and that's ok!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

.... so what did you do?

that's the thing that you gotta work on. I know I sound bossy and preachy and all that, hey, I've been around, I went thru hell too, no one sugar coated anything for me, so know a lot of us tell it like we see it... there's a lot of "you need to do this..."

you do need to learn new ways of coping. You said yourself the automatic responses you have to the stressors you feel. hey I quit smoking weed and cigs recently too, I still get urges for those at times when I would normally have smoked. Those go away with time, I dunno how much time, but they go away- for now I am sure that they do diminish, and I am also sure that if I ignore the urge, the compulsion to do them goes away after I stop thinking about it... last night I wanted a cigarette, thought about it, told myself to stop thinking about it, urge went away....

So the important thing is going to be to learn new coping mechanisms, new reactions instead of the old destructive behavior.

You know what, and correct me if I'm wrong, but being a 20 yo female sucks. There is just too much inner drama chemicals biology going on in there... its just a rough time to be you. a lot of it is biology, a lot of it is social pressure and stigma and pop culture etc etc. but it's important to expand your mind, expand your views, see new ways of seeing and thinking and reacting.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ashley, you're spot on with that one. She does love me, but has been pushing my eating disorder under the rug since the day i told her. She knew about it before i told her, but she said it was a phase that would pass. So we continue living our lives pretending everything is fine. I don't let her into my thoughts and she usually doesn't pry.

And the adderall. She also knew i was abusing it since day one. But she decided to let me do what i want. Which is okay, i don't expect her to baby me, but we definitely smile and pretend life is peachy.

Motivation_follows_action, I totally believe what you are telling me. I was actually researching amphetamine psychosis all night last night. Would you be comfortable telling me a bit about your experience with the psychosis?

I have fallen into a psychosis when i was 17, but that was from lots of adderall and 2-3 days without sleep. I talked to people that weren't there, drove a car and thought there was a spaceship in the road, fell asleep with a knife in my hands because i thought that there were people outside of my house trying to get me. Truly ridiculous, but after i slept i was okay. Since then i have not had an experience like it. I do get very paranoid of course, and when i am coming down from the adderall i always think i hear my family talking about me and the secret i am hiding from them, but i feel like that is my conscience getting at me and the paranoia as well.

I try to stay fully rested to avoid psychosis, but apparently you can fall into it with or without sleep deprivation?

Thanks girl,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sky, being a 20 year old female does suck in many ways haha

Well, i walked out of the kitchen, went to my room, cried for a minute, and came onto the website. I didn't take any pills. I am not as pissed as i was a minute ago, which is great. But knowing me, i will go back down soon,then up, down, up. My emotions before the adderall were neurotic and rollercoaster-like, so now coming off of it i am sure it will be ten times worse.

All i know is, i want to be a lazy bum today and stuff my face. BUT i can't stuff my face, because if i allow myself to use bulimia as a vice, sooner or later adderall will be back in the picture. That is always how the cycle goes for me.

I have yet to get off my lazy ass and get on the treadmill, but unfortunately i must eat dinner soon. And lucky me has had massive acid reflux/indigestion since lastnight, and ever step i take literally burns my throat. Oh goodie haha

And even luckier for me, one of my side effects when i stop adderall is INSOMNIA. Yippee...like i didn't have that bad enough on it. I want nothing more than to sleep lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Didn't I tell ya they'd be getin Atcha soon. Please keep it going tomorrow ...it may be easier if you didn't have any around...but that's a choice. I'm not sure if you mentioned much on that ...I did read you kept away from them today,so I'm assuming they are still around. Just because I know the beginning is very tough and your addiction will be trying to fuck with you. I posted like a freak...especially the first week cuz dealing with people in person wasn't happening aside from the must do Xmas family shit. Things are completely different already....still kinda robotic and I'm constantly thinkin how much I was into doing laundry on addies...but I'd plan and think about it in my disoriented self induced spin,for much longer than it would have taken to just do it. Sitting still to fold it wasn't happening either. When the end of your run looms near you are often literally spinning your wheels all day and accomplishing absolutely nothing. I am able to get stuff done on my own and a lot of iced coffee... I did a 12 step thing the last time....definetly not for everyone but it helps me to stay in a positive state about each day without adderall...and its socializing too...I am hoop Dee less and home with a 3 year old all day 24/7....many of my friends have remained there and will put the hand out for me....just like on here. Ima get a chip and start working it again. So go easy on yourself Chica...eat those pbj's (a fave detox snack)LOL and clean your room if ya want to even in little stages...maybe pick a pile or a drawer or whatever for the day ....this site will make you laugh and make you cry and even though its rough you feel again...and your heart knows that. Keep trudging girl you'll get there! !!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks neversaynever! I still have quite a decent amount of pills left. It was supposed to last me until march, but id say i have enough pills left to last maybe 3-4 more weeks. I have not found the strength to get rid of them. It's like i need it there "in case" life is too much. In case things really were better on adderall. Foolish, i know because i have done that with binge food as well. Kept it, fear of needing it later. Which i did, then i binge and purge and regret.

I totally get what you mean when you said, "When the end of your run looms near you are often literally spinning your wheels all day and accomplishing absolutely nothing." I realized this to be true a while ago. No longer was i getting much done. I would take my pill and spend at least an hour doing my makeup and finding an outfit. Then i would get ready to bake (that's what i go to school for. Ironic? Bulimic pastry chef lol) and i would spend way too much time just looking for a recipe to bake, and before i knew it the day was ending and i had gotten nothing accomplished. It's actually funny, i never took my adderall for school because it actually debilitated me. Made me way too hyperfocused, and caused me to do worse in baking classes. So the boring days i spend home, those are the ones i find myself wanting the pills. It's stupid tasks like laundry, dishes, cleaning, hanging out with friends...all tasks that require a little push :-/

You are quite the inspiration to me though

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lol!!!!!!!!! awe man, the problems we create for ourselves.........!

yup, it's gonna be a rollercoaster, and not the fun yipppeee kind we wait in hour long lines for, nope, this one's old and made of wood and it bumps and jars and hurts and we kinda just want it to end when we're on it and wonder why it looked so appealing from below.... like that one at state line before vegas- probably no one knows the one I mean, but it hurts! and you get off and want to go to a chiropractor and your bones ache and you probably pulled something you didn't even know you had... THAT kind of emotional rollercoaster....

every single one of us on here used to look in the mirror and hate what they saw. I sure as hell did. I wasn't proud of who I'd become, wasn't proud of the fact that I was always stoned, tweaking, big dark party bags under my eyes, bloodshot, sucked up, ugly.... now I feel good, I look good, life is exciting and it feels good to change and evolve, and even though it feels, even though we now have to deal with life, it's actually something that feels better than avoiding it.... like somehow the actual road is pleasurable, even those times when it's not, even when we hurt, feel depressed, feel lethargic, feel lost.... it still feels better to feel that than run from it and hide. Maybe that's the seed that somehow got planted in all of us somewhere at the beginning... we can't go back to the way it was, to the way it used to be when we used drugs so freely and without regret.... we all now have that conscience that speaks to us, a voice that argues against relapsing, a voice that urges us forward on our new path of ascension and being a better person... handling situations in a new way, having a new outlook, being positive, patient with others, allowing others to be fallible and know not what they do....

good for you for sticking with it, getting thru a difficult day, the fog lifts, the agony subsides, look at all of us... we were all in our own Quitting Adderall hell at one time.... thumbs up to us all!

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sky, i don't know the rollercoaster you are referring to, but i do know one on coney island in NYC. It was my first rollercoaster ever, i was slightly too short to ride it, but they let me, And i hit my head on the bars on ever bump and turn, it was a giant wooden piece of junk too, not worth it. :P

This is where i get a bit concerned with myself. I do not my any means like what i see in the mirror. I hate the bags, dry skin, and painful scowl i find planted on my face every night. But, i feel like somehow, all of that defines me. Like, the sunken, hallow, sick face i look into is who i am meant to be. I know that is nonsense, but for some reason i connect to that lost, soulless, girl looking back at me.

But on a semi positive note, today i went to kmart to get my ass some peanutbutter m&ms (which i did not binge on, yay) and the woman at the register says to me, "Oh my god! Why are your hands purple?!"

I said, "circulation problem", paid, and ran out. Needless to say i was highly embarrassed. I am HOPING beyond HOPE that soon my hands return to a normal, health white color. That really would be good motivation for me to stay on track sober. I am disgusted by my hands, and worry about possible nerve/tissue damage...which could result in losing a fingertip. That should be enough to get me sober! But i am quite the rebel, lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regarding amphetamine psychosis, I really only learned about it when I started doing research through this site... actually it was InRecovery (AWESOME DUDE) who pointed it out because I had no idea what was going on. I do believe it takes different forms for people, but the classic things you describe are pretty bang on: hearing things, seeing things, doing crazy paranoid things.

For me, I was overseas for a work conference. I had been working and partying hard for a lot of days consecutively, had no sleep, and it was super late. After several hours of drinking and smoking, I kind of transformed in to a different person. Started making up all kinds of shit about my life, telling my own boss I had a "secret life" outside of work, hinting at all kinds of weird American Psycho-style stuff. I believed I was a different person, talking in a different scenario, if that makes sense. Of course a lot of the shit that I made up about myself was not only fucking nutso but totally illegal, so I was fired the moment I got back in to the office from my trip.

The thing I learned about Amphetamine Psychosis is that it is very similar to schizophrenia in how it presents itself, in fact during the early days of the drug's use, that's how doctors would diagnose patients.

There is a lot of research on this site about the phases of adderall addiction, so do some reading and scare yourself silly... whatever it takes not to do the stupid drug.

YOU CAN DO IT!

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, sorry you experienced that! I definitely can understand what you've said though.

When i smoke weed after taking adderall all day, i turn into a complete WEIRDO. I can't even explain how introverted and analytic i become. But, last night i couldn't sleep until 5am. I have an irrational fear of fire and i was outside smoking a cig. I saw a piece of ash fall onto the blanket. I took the blanket inside and layed it on the floor and got down on my hands and knees to make sure there was no flame waiting to set the entire blanket on fire. Then i thought to myself, What a fucking weirdo i am! I took the blanket into my room and put it in an empty place on the floor and prayed it wouldn't catch fire. Although, i do weird shit like this sober too haha, not to that extent though. I have always had OCD tendencies, but adderall exacerbates them for sure. i left my house after baking some goodies one day and was convinced i forgot to turn the oven off. I speed home from the store thinking the house was ablaze, but it was fine.

Other than that, i have certainly become super paranoid at work. If someone smiles at me i instantly think they know my secret, they then turn to talk to a coworker and i believe they are laughing at me. It's total bullshit. And one night at work i was running on like 2 hours of sleep and 70 mg of adderall. I was so exhausted. I was struggling to stand and bending down made me nearly pass out. I knew i looked half dead, i couldn't form cohesive sentences and everyone really was looking at me like i was a nutjob, but i was convinced that they knew about my drug use. I thought i heard my boss talking to me, then i turned and no one was there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I worked out jog/speedwalk/running for 23 minutes. I feel great. I know 23 minutes is nothing, but compared to never doing any workouts, i feel good.

Only downside is my friend is coming over to smoke a joint. But, one addiction at a time i suppose?

Or am i just fooling myself.?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sky that was a good analogy. I think the one thing about using Ritalin for so long is that it's made me appreciate a lot of those rough spots in life, as uncomfortable as they can be they add value and meaning to life. A lot of my traits I lost when using were things I was ashamed of on some level, and which turned out (I realized) were assets. You can't have the good without the bad but it's better then having nothing.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow baby girl you got all of our attention man see you got a hole bunch of strangers you never met before felling your pain jest by being honest and telling us how you really feel inside .If you can do this whit strangers jest think what would happen if you open up to your mom and talk to her tell her exactly how you feel talk to her without the anger and the sarcasm you will be supper surprised how much she will understand about your thru feelings . Your mom is a human being like all of use are with her own share of emotions and feeling and the every day problems we all have with in our every day life’s do you think your mom does not chair about you and your addictions and your ED a mater of fact I am betting see spent nights crying her self to sleep worrying about her baby girl it hurts her tremendously that she can not help you the only one that can get you out of the shit your in is YOU and YOURSELFE no one else .The therapist you are seeing sounds like shes not the right one for you get the fuck away from her and find another Good therapist you most be totally comfortable whit your therapist and feel like she is honestly listing to you baby girl my heart is still with you and I feel your pain I really do .You need help please talk to mom and make some arrangements to get detoxed at a facility and to get the professional therapy you so desperately need .All do respect butt this web site is a great place but I am afraid it is not what you need right now it is moistly a self help web site with a lot of information about quitting adderall and some great people to support you in quitting adderall please talk to mom in the morning not tonight you are to angry right now to have a heart to heart conversation whit mom talk to her strait up tell her you need her help she will help you get the professional help you desperately need .Keep on posting if its helping you tonight you can see we are a very supportive croup.

Your friend FALCON

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now