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Motivation_Follows_Action

nearly relapsed today...

32 posts in this topic

... but I didn't, thanks to everyone here.

Here's the background. As you know I am neck deep in the job search, and it's stressful to be "on" all the time when recruiters might call or all the endless networking that's required to get in the door at the right places. A lot of people who knew me from before have memories of the "adderall" me, and there is some reputational damage I have to overcome. So a lot of the time I have to avoid negative self talk, and force myself to believe that I WILL find the right job for me!

Anyway, so it's about 11am. I am sitting in my study at home (which is a frickin mess as I haven't had the energy yet to tidy it) and I am looking for a post it note. I open the top drawer to my desk and sitting right there like a little fucking temptress is little orange 20 MG pill.

I can quite honestly say this is the first time I have really seriously considered relapsing. I thought to myself, "oh the afternoon will sail by", "you won't need a nap", "it'll give you the confidence you need for that phone interview". It was like a scene from a movie... I just sat there looking down from my office chair in to the open drawer, staring at it. For a long time.

Then I thought about this forum. And I remember saying on here once that there is one promise I will never break as long as I am here, which is to be honest with all of you people. And I thought about what I'd have to do after I took the pill, which is to come on here and tell all of you. And what a disappointment that would be, both to myself, but also this wonderful family that has provided me with such ongoing support.

So I closed the drawer, and got on with my day.

Just thought you should know.

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hahaha we woulda given you the most horrific verbal thrashing of your life!!!

good job. closed the drawer. but did you toss the pill? if not, why the hell not!? flick that thing like a booger.

if you know it's there and it was tempting, get rid of it.

proud of you for making the right, albeit tough, decision..............

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So proud of you for not taking that pill! It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now so early into quitting. Do you have to have a job right away? Can you give yourself a break, just as if you were recovering from being physically ill? In my mind, it's the same thing. You're recovering....just from an addiction. Do me a favor and go flush that pill. That was a close call. You are an awesome person, who I think of as my friend, and I'd be really sad if you didn't keep coming here. Hang in there!

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Waw motivation that goes to show you how strong addiction is it really never leaves our brains its like permanently etched into our memories jest by looking at that little orange fucker .Well you do have great will power you need to be congratulated for that jest think how shity you would feel if you paped the little fucker.

FALCON

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Excellent.

You probably should ditch that pill, you don't want any temptation around or it's always going to be in the back of your mind.

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Falcon,

You mentioned that little orange pill. No one besides a pill addict would understand the relationship we have towards orange pills. Today I took half a valium, and it looks just like adderall. It's hard for me to even look at them. I checked, double-checked, then triple-checked that it wasn't adderall online by the imprint, but I don't like taking them, because it's too similar looking. That little fucking orange adderall pill makes me shudder.

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lol!!!

nice.

If in some alternate universe we all wrote a collective book, that would be the cover of the book....

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I forgot one thing, and you knew we'd be asking. Is that a stray pill or do you have a stash anywhere? Today was too close. You should flush any others as well :)

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PURE STRENGTH. I am not capable of throwing out my stash. I justify keeping it. Incase, "Things get too tough" or "i decide i don't want to stop"

You are a serious inspiration

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You should be proud of yourself. The time has come for my scrip to be refilled. I've struggled with that a lot but whenever it starts to eat at me I talk to my wife about how I'm feeling and I calm myself down. I just don't want to go through this again.

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Ashely, good question, and you're all over me like a rash lady! (a nice rash though if that's possible?!).

I did this very weird thing about 3 weeks in to recovery where my husband really wanted me to trash the stash, but I just wasn't ready yet. I don't know why, but I remember reading that addicts sometimes like to have a reminder of their temptation right there in front of them, just so they know they do have the willpower to resist it. Anyway, I had one of those extra large prescription bottles filled to the top, of every type of adderall: 10mg, 20mg, extended release... this thing was stacked! I took the bottle and put it right in the middle of the coffee table in the living room and removed anything else from the coffee table. And that's where it sat, for 3 weeks. Every night, I would sit there with my laptop and it would be in the corner of my eye. When I took a nap on the couch it would be the first thing I saw when I woke up. When we ate dinner in front of the TV it would be sitting there amongst the soda cans and take out containers. Then, one day I just got tired of looking at it, so I unceremoniously dumped the entire thing. It was such a non event (oh, except when my husband came home and, after plonking himself on the sofa, looked up and saw it was gone... he looked at me like I had just murdered his puppy... it literally took me dragging him in to the bathroom and showing him the empty bottle for him to believe I'd thrown them all away)....anyway...

I think everyone has a trash-the-stash story, so now you've heard mine.

And to answer your question, I don't have another stash lurking somewhere. I have seen random pills around the house early on but none for a few weeks, that is why it was so surprising to see that 1/2 20MG pill today, the little fucker.

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You should be proud of yourself. The time has come for my scrip to be refilled. I've struggled with that a lot but whenever it starts to eat at me I talk to my wife about how I'm feeling and I calm myself down. I just don't want to go through this again.

No you most definitely do not want to do that! Neversaynever told her pharmacist never to give it to her again, which I thought was super brave.

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I got the shivering chills reading this thread. Even after 1.5+ years I am terrified I will find a pill while de-cluttering and cleaning my house. So far, I have not found even a crumb of adderall which tells me that I really kept good track of them and got rid of every last fuckin one....I hope. Every time I clean an area that has pre-quitting clutter piles I have to rehearse the disposal plan...which is to run, not walk to the toilet like I had food poisoning and flush that fucker down.

Good job, Motivation. I feel like I have gained the strength to flush from reading your story...thanks.

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I've thought about that too. What if I came across a random pill? I kept track of those things like it was my job, but I agree sprint like hell to the toilet and flush.

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Awesome MFA! When I come across random pills which has happened about three times, I grab it with a tissue and dispose of it like a squashed insect ...

This moment has made you stronger..

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No you most definitely do not want to do that! Neversaynever told her pharmacist never to give it to her again, which I thought was super brave.

Krax, if your wife tells your doc, your struggle will be over. You won't have to get her to convince you to not Refill anymore. It won't be an option. You'll have set yourself up nicely.

And we all know how dangerous that open window is...

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Good job, MFA. Honestly, if I found a pill I would probably take it. Not having access to the drug is essential for me. Like the pic of you telling that adderall where to stick it.

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InRecovery I appreciate your advice, for a couple reasons though that isn't an option. Just so you know, I had thrown out my last presc after a couple weeks - but I know what your saying. I think I'm in a good place now, which of course changes by the hour but I can say this forum, especially long-term people like yourself who haven't forgotten the struggles the rest of us are experiencing, is a huge inspriation and motivation to stay on the clean path - I'm not going to fail and it has alot to do with you guys.

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Hey let's start a thing: if ever you come across a stray pill, or you want to TRASH THAT STASH, I want you to take a pic of it in the toilet and send it to the forum pages. We can create our own meme. Crushed pills in trash cans, in toilets, covered in acid or detergent... whatever will be your method of destruction.. will be awesome to see!

Your encouragement of me after yesterday's "incident" has given me a boost to keep on, and I think everyone should feel that good when taking positive steps.

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Ok you guys, here. Proof, along with the old familiar hand signal telling it exactly what I thought of it!

post-1071-0-76124300-1357684703_thumb.jp

Edit: sideways, sorry...

I just opened a carry on luggage bag i need for tomorrow and found all these empty adderall capsules and adderall xr beads scattered all over the bottom of the bag and I thought of this thread. They still seem to turn up all over the place!!! A reminder of how I'd been taking ingesting them. And a reminder of how badly i was abusing them. Anyway I stared at them like some artifact, something fromthe past. But with no desire. And then I chucked them in the trash.

Good riddance!!

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Good riddance is right. I still haven't had this happen. I'm not really surprised considering I was chucking out $5-7 a pill....kept close tabs on them. It was pathetic. Hope the moving is going well!

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Normally I would be surprised at 5 to 7 bucks a pill, but being an addict I am not surprised at all. When it comes to the adderall addict, money is no object. At least once a month I was buying adderall Xr without insurance which came out to if I recall correct, 150-something a bottle and that came to a couple bucks a pill.

The move has been stressful . i underestimated it and I was totally in PAWS through it. I am really nervous. I have been in an adderall sobriety bubble and now..well,..I will post you all updates.

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