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Searchingsoul9

Day two without Addie.

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It's definitely got it's ups and downs lol. I feel so much more evened out so-to-speak. My personality is the same throughout the day.

Unfortunately I need to apply to more schools (because I'm transferring after spring semester) and that has been hard.... I still have time but yeah... this is my first major task.

Quitting over the break has been good. I'm glad I was able to have christmas sober and enjoy all the good food and have a personality lol. Only wish it were summer break :/

Yes, i longed for a nice christmas, since every holiday in my household sucks ass! haha, but i was technically "sober" meaning i didn't take adderall on xmas day, did smoke weed and stuff my face though. Oh the holidays.

Good luck on applying to schools! The whole application process totally sucks. I found it to be the most challenging part of school honestly.

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rick2993

Your doing great my brother keep up your will power you will do jest fine I feel you got the will power to pull it off keep its good to read your post keep them coming and congratulations on 16 days clean

Your friend FALCON

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Rick...dude you made my week. That was funny. Yup I got a shit ton o kids...well. 4 actually. And addies killed my motocross carreer too!!! Hahaha. Noooo!!! Kidding. Glad you're still hanging with us!!

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Searchingsoul9- I dunno how much weed you smoke but I used to smoke A LOT. I'm almost 5 months clean from weed (after smoking it since I was 14) and I never thought it would make so much of a difference. IF you smoke regularly may I suggest you consider quitting that as well. I know weed is a completely different story but seeing what it has done for me makes me want to recommend it...

Yeah not trying to force it down your throat or anything (focus on adderall recovery) but I think it's worth looking into.

Falcon- thanks for the support :) I will be sure to post some more. It might sound bad but I really don't share my addiction stories with anyone in real life :/

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Searchingsoul9- I dunno how much weed you smoke but I used to smoke A LOT. I'm almost 5 months clean from weed (after smoking it since I was 14) and I never thought it would make so much of a difference. IF you smoke regularly may I suggest you consider quitting that as well. I know weed is a completely different story but seeing what it has done for me makes me want to recommend it...

Yeah not trying to force it down your throat or anything (focus on adderall recovery) but I think it's worth looking into.

Falcon- thanks for the support :) I will be sure to post some more. It might sound bad but I really don't share my addiction stories with anyone in real life :/

Weed is the devil for me lmao, no joke. I started experimenting with all types of drugs when i was 14 as well. Then when i was 16 i started smoking weed very heavily. I smoked 2-7 blunts a day for a good 2 and 1/2 years or more. One of the two reasons i got a skript to adderall was so i could quit weed. Which i did, until i started toking again. Now i can't have more than 2-5 hits without getting all sketchball status and paranoid. I am trying to quit it too. I don't buy anymore, but friends offer to smoke with me a bit, and who am i to pass up free drugs? No, but seriously. I hate the shit. I need to stop.

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ditto on the quitting weed is a good thing thought...

was holding me back for sure, got in my own way.... thought it spiced up the day, but just made me foggy in the end (the end being the last oh 10 years)... hella better now without it.

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searchingsoul9- it definitely seems we have a lot in common lol. it's kinda strange. i definitely always thought of myself as having used adderall to quit weed as nonsensical as that sounds.

i knew that quitting weed would push me away from my friends because almost all of my friends smoked weed. that was really the main topic when we would hang out.... adderall already does a good job i think of isolating you and adding quitting weed into the picture and i became pretty lonely. i had a hard time building new relationships on adderall and off weed so here i am quitting adderall lol.

yeah same thought patterns it seems.

also on the eating disorder topic, i used to be a binge eater and then purge by exercising or i wouldn't and i would just hate myself... when i quit weed and starting eating healthy it really vanished. i don't mean to say that your eating disorder isnt in a whole different ball park than what i had, but it might be worth trying? do you eat nutritiously?

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searchingsoul9- it definitely seems we have a lot in common lol. it's kinda strange. i definitely always thought of myself as having used adderall to quit weed as nonsensical as that sounds.

i knew that quitting weed would push me away from my friends because almost all of my friends smoked weed. that was really the main topic when we would hang out.... adderall already does a good job i think of isolating you and adding quitting weed into the picture and i became pretty lonely. i had a hard time building new relationships on adderall and off weed so here i am quitting adderall lol.

yeah same thought patterns it seems.

also on the eating disorder topic, i used to be a binge eater and then purge by exercising or i wouldn't and i would just hate myself... when i quit weed and starting eating healthy it really vanished. i don't mean to say that your eating disorder isnt in a whole different ball park than what i had, but it might be worth trying? do you eat nutritiously?

Exactly! My friends all smoke too. And i became extremely isolate when i quit weed and took up the pills.

Thank you for sharing your ed story...nice to know i am not completely alone in that aspect of my life. When i smoke weed all i crave is junk food, in ridiculous amounts. When on the adderall i barely ate anything, and when i did it was like half a sandwich. Off of adderall and weed i try to eat healthy. But it's like a mind numbing thing for me. Eating kind of shuts my thoughts off for a while. Until they come back, worse than before. Then i have to purge or else i feel horrible

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Rick and Searching Soul, reading your trials with weed made me think of something. I know I recommend books a lot, so forgive me, but I think you both would really love this. Do you know Chuck Klosterman? I think he's one of the smartest writers on pop culture and modern life around ... really a cool, cynical, funny dude.

Anyway his latest book, "The Visible Man" has a section in it about a girl who's in her mid 20s, whose life revolves around smoking weed, eating entire tubs of KFC, listening to music, then running excessively and purging for hours, then doing the same thing every single day. I don't know how but he made it sad and hilarious at at the same time. It's amazing how our lives can be seen so differently from the outside... and how our definition of "normal" is just so twisted sometimes when we get caught up in terrible habits. Anyway, here it is... it's a fun read:

http://www.amazon.com/Visible-Man-Novel-Chuck-Klosterman/dp/143918447X

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And to top it off, you seem like a cool ass chick :) Very happy i came across this lovely place.

Yeah, this forum's full of em... cool chicks/moms/executives/academics/librarians/students and some damn fine hotties too, from what I can tell. I have a particularly lovely right shoulder blade as you can tell from my pic. It's my finest feature apart from the little patch of skin below my left ankle, which if I say so myself, is a damn fine patch of skin. Stops traffic, that does. And yes I'm being sarcastic.

Right, off to the job quest I go!

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Motivation_Follows_Action - I have ordered it :P it sounds up my alley for sure. Its nice that I can look back at that sort of thing and feel good about leaving it behind.

Good luck with the job hunt! what kind of job is it that you are looking for?

and SearchingSoul9- I wish I could help you a bit more because I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have loved research even before taking adderall. But concerning binge eating, I found out for the most part that it really didn't matter what I binged on (not veggies tho lol) I still had the same euphoric reaction. So I would try and find something that had at least one redeeming quality about it. I personally am a HUGE fan of dark chocolate and I think that it probably comes from my binge eating days. Dark chocolate has fiber and a ton of antioxidants. I'm not sure whether the best route is changing the things you are eating but the cycle (as I'm sure you know) is very taxing on the body and really there has to be a better solution than adderall..

Is your binge eating less severe off of weed? Also how are you feeling on day 3?

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Rick and Searching Soul, reading your trials with weed made me think of something. I know I recommend books a lot, so forgive me, but I think you both would really love this. Do you know Chuck Klosterman? I think he's one of the smartest writers on pop culture and modern life around ... really a cool, cynical, funny dude.

Anyway his latest book, "The Visible Man" has a section in it about a girl who's in her mid 20s, whose life revolves around smoking weed, eating entire tubs of KFC, listening to music, then running excessively and purging for hours, then doing the same thing every single day. I don't know how but he made it sad and hilarious at at the same time. It's amazing how our lives can be seen so differently from the outside... and how our definition of "normal" is just so twisted sometimes when we get caught up in terrible habits. Anyway, here it is... it's a fun read:

http://www.amazon.co...n/dp/143918447X

YES. I love him. hanks for the link! I am totally checking it out

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Hey hey girl!!! This goes back in this post about your work weekend being real tough ...I know you have em at home as your security thing...well..I'm sure you've thought of this...but don't.bring the security stash to work with you. Leave those fuckers home. I'm just thinkin that if you can hang at home without em and get over the party after work thing without em...you're gonna feel pretty strong and souped girlie...that'll be good with school firing up again soon.

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Motivation_Follows_Action - I have ordered it :P it sounds up my alley for sure. Its nice that I can look back at that sort of thing and feel good about leaving it behind.

Good luck with the job hunt! what kind of job is it that you are looking for?

and SearchingSoul9- I wish I could help you a bit more because I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have loved research even before taking adderall. But concerning binge eating, I found out for the most part that it really didn't matter what I binged on (not veggies tho lol) I still had the same euphoric reaction. So I would try and find something that had at least one redeeming quality about it. I personally am a HUGE fan of dark chocolate and I think that it probably comes from my binge eating days. Dark chocolate has fiber and a ton of antioxidants. I'm not sure whether the best route is changing the things you are eating but the cycle (as I'm sure you know) is very taxing on the body and really there has to be a better solution than adderall..

Is your binge eating less severe off of weed? Also how are you feeling on day 3?

Dark chocolate is the shit, i recently fell in love with dark chocolate reeses, hahaha not the best route though. My binges when i am high are RIDICULOUS. I could eat my weight in food, then get rid of it, smoek and do it again. Sickening. Without weed i really don't tend to binge that bad. I just overeat. The thing that sucks is i am going to school to become a pastry chef, so whether or not we have junk food in the house...if i REALLY want it, i can just whip something up. But i do a lot better if there's not junk. Usually i just eat eggs, chicken breast, salad, BREAD i NEED carbs haha i cannot go a day without a rice cake, bread, english muffin,something. And pineapple. I freaking love that stuff

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Hey hey girl!!! This goes back in this post about your work weekend being real tough ...I know you have em at home as your security thing...well..I'm sure you've thought of this...but don't.bring the security stash to work with you. Leave those fuckers home. I'm just thinkin that if you can hang at home without em and get over the party after work thing without em...you're gonna feel pretty strong and souped girlie...that'll be good with school firing up again soon.

Good idea! I used to always bring them to work, and extra just incase. But i'll leave them home tonight. I feel hugely disgusting though and lazy. I do love my job...high or not. But today i don't even feel like getting out of bed. :/

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Yeah, this forum's full of em... cool chicks/moms/executives/academics/librarians/students and some damn fine hotties too, from what I can tell. I have a particularly lovely right shoulder blade as you can tell from my pic. It's my finest feature apart from the little patch of skin below my left ankle, which if I say so myself, is a damn fine patch of skin. Stops traffic, that does. And yes I'm being sarcastic.

Right, off to the job quest I go!

Sexy as shoulder blade i'd say ;) Good luck on job hunt! Keep us posted xxo
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That sucks...but it is day 3...its gonna get better. Yeah I brought em everywhere...when i waited tables...there was a hefty bunch loose in the apron pocket...hey here's your check folks, and and a couple addies bounce of there table...no! !! That never happened ...I protected them from injury or mistreatment at all costs! !!! If I went anywhere I did the pocket thing..

Way less obvious to get one and take it when I could than going and digging out the bottle and trying to inconspicuously open it. Lol

Stay strong this weekend!!!!!!

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That sucks...but it is day 3...its gonna get better. Yeah I brought em everywhere...when i waited tables...there was a hefty bunch loose in the apron pocket...hey here's your check folks, and and a couple addies bounce of there table...no! !! That never happened ...I protected them from injury or mistreatment at all costs! !!! If I went anywhere I did the pocket thing..

Way less obvious to get one and take it when I could than going and digging out the bottle and trying to inconspicuously open it. Lol

Stay strong this weekend!!!!!!

Haha. I don't even know why i rely on the addies for my nightjob. I am a night owl anyways, i always have been an insomniac...so it's not like i need the energy. I just REALLY enjoyed my job on them. Like once my boss told me to leave early when i was fucked up off As and i was SO pissed. I legit begged him to let me stay, but i got sent home. I'd rather stay and work then go home and relax. Damn, people must find me weird

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Yeah I brought em everywhere...when i waited tables...there was a hefty bunch loose in the apron pocket...hey here's your check folks, and and a couple addies bounce of there table...no! !! That never happened ...I protected them from injury or mistreatment at all costs!

Uuuggghhh another adderall memory just came flooding back spurred on from your restaurant/waiting tables experience. I was on a business trip (yeah, I know, that's all I ever did and all my stories have some kind of business trip in them), this time in Europe in some fancy restaurant in Geneva. I was really jetlagged and popping pills left and right. Anway, at this particular dinner the Big Boss was sitting next to me and he seemed very interested in engaging me in conversation. Shit, I thought....not only could I not stand the sight of most of the people around me (I had WORK to do, don't THEY?!?!!), but I was exhausted and running low on addies. So I had to surreptitiously reach down in to my bag, pull out my Altoids container (where stash was kept) out of my handbag under my seat, hide the Altoids in my napkin, open it and slip a couple of pills down with a big gulp of wine when he wasn't looking. I thought I was sooooo smooth in all of this.

Thing was, I kind of forgot to put the Altoids container (with about 30 pills in) back in to my bag, and there it remained scrunched up in my napkin. Forever. I realized when I got back to my hotel later that night that I wouldn't have any adderall to last me the rest of the business trip, which was about 3 days. I honestly thought I was going to die without them... I actually went to the front desk of the hotel and asked if there was a doctor whom I could see while in town. Then I stopped and realized what I was doing... everyone would know about this... so I turned around and went back to my room. The next day I took a couple of hours off in the afternoon and convinced a taxi driver in my broken French to take me back to the restaurant (which I only remembered the name of, no clue where it was), and begged the waitstaff to give the drugs back to me I would give them a HEFTY reward. But no, they'd probably ingested them all the cocks. Back to work it was. Ugh.

The next day was an all-day meeting with the Board (UGHHHH) and I swear I drank more coffee that day than I have done before or since. Oh and I ate nearly the entire lunch buffet. Someone even asked me if I was pregnant "because you are eating for two" chortle chortle... I wanted to deck him, except I didn't have the energy.

What a nightmare. Aaaaaand that's the story for today, folks!

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Uuuggghhh another adderall memory just came flooding back spurred on from your restaurant/waiting tables experience. I was on a business trip (yeah, I know, that's all I ever did and all my stories have some kind of business trip in them), this time in Europe in some fancy restaurant in Geneva. I was really jetlagged and popping pills left and right. Anway, at this particular dinner the Big Boss was sitting next to me and he seemed very interested in engaging me in conversation. Shit, I thought....not only could I not stand the sight of most of the people around me (I had WORK to do, don't THEY?!?!!), but I was exhausted and running low on addies. So I had to surreptitiously reach down in to my bag, pull out my Altoids container (where stash was kept) out of my handbag under my seat, hide the Altoids in my napkin, open it and slip a couple of pills down with a big gulp of wine when he wasn't looking. I thought I was sooooo smooth in all of this.

Thing was, I kind of forgot to put the Altoids container (with about 30 pills in) back in to my bag, and there it remained scrunched up in my napkin. Forever. I realized when I got back to my hotel later that night that I wouldn't have any adderall to last me the rest of the business trip, which was about 3 days. I honestly thought I was going to die without them... I actually went to the front desk of the hotel and asked if there was a doctor whom I could see while in town. Then I stopped and realized what I was doing... everyone would know about this... so I turned around and went back to my room. The next day I took a couple of hours off in the afternoon and convinced a taxi driver in my broken French to take me back to the restaurant (which I only remembered the name of, no clue where it was), and begged the waitstaff to give the drugs back to me I would give them a HEFTY reward. But no, they'd probably ingested them all the cocks. Back to work it was. Ugh.

The next day was an all-day meeting with the Board (UGHHHH) and I swear I drank more coffee that day than I have done before or since. Oh and I ate nearly the entire lunch buffet. Someone even asked me if I was pregnant "because you are eating for two" chortle chortle... I wanted to deck him, except I didn't have the energy.

What a nightmare. Aaaaaand that's the story for today, folks!

Interesting story indeed my friend. And fuck the motherfucker who had the audacity to ask if you were eating for two! i have never forgotten my addies, but i have accidentally left my purse open with my VERY visible pill bottle right there. My coworker reached in and grabbed it out as we were having some drinks. I was pretty drunk at the time. And he asks why on earth i have "legal speed" prescribed to me?! I had to play it off like i was some crazy hyper active, off the walls, MANIAC if i wasn't on them. But everyone knows i am a pretty mellow and chill girls on or off the pills. He goes, "That shits harsh." No fucking shit it's harsh. It's amphetamines bitch!!!!! hah. Like everyone at work knows i am on them, but they don't know i abuse them.

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Geneva!!!!, you said Geneva! !!! Holy shit....yous a fuckin supa star girl!"!!!!!! I wash a hash slinger at a deli where construction guys were the best tippers!!!! I got comments like I'll take a side of your ass with my lunch. Seriously dude??? And you're rolling yours up in places like Geneva! !! Good for you..that's awesome. I hope nothing I bring. Up sparks any of the wrong things in anyone reading any of my stuff tho ...I'm sure that's not the case here ...we can reflect on the strange bizarre fucked up. Crazy shit we did and say.but for the grace of somethin go us today...life is more relaxed today. I'd call malls and airports to report my purse missing just so when I called doctors with the same line of bullshit I could throw out a name of some nice old Guy that probably was no more than a parking garage attendant that could verify my story all "official" like

I seriously thought I was untouchable. I have a story about my 3rd sons birth...that by far. Blows away any ridiculous thing I ever did...above and beyond.it took years for me to utter it to anyone outloud

My son is Dylan is 9 now ...but when I found out I was pregnant I was using hard ...probably at the height a actually ..I had 2 kids already I could not handle...I was so Fucked up and I'm denial about the pregnancy...I did not want to go to any ob/,gun to be monitored...I continued using thru my entire pregnancy ...I gained like 3 lbs with him and could hide it with big sweaters to just to go pick up scripts...well I never went to a single pre natal visit with him...no one I'm my medical. Community knew I'd be showing up to deliver my kid ...so the day came when my water broke and ya can't turn that away at a hospital...I had my unsuspecting husband drop me at the e.r door told him to head home get some details wrapped up...this was our 3rd kid..we know the drill. I went in and concocted this elaborate story that my husband and I had temporarily seperated for a bit and I was I'm Florida and I didn't get my records.before I came back and yadda yadda...the doc on call delivered. Both kids before Dylan ..so he went with it....fast forward to giving. Birth...my husband and my mom were there...it was December 7th and snowing...WTF when in between. Contractions he says" this weather is a big switch from sunny Florida huh????" Jesus Christ I had the most academy award winning fake hang off the side of the bed screaming Contraction off my life.my son was small 5.6 oz but healthy thank God. He is a smart beautiful. Boy

I had pulled it all off somehow yet again ...but I was beyond out of control

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Wow, I honestly have to say that is probably one of the saddest stories I have ever read. Your addiction had such an evil grip on you that you couldn't recognize that your baby would be born not only severely underweight but also addicted. What a fighter your child must be -- to be born at 5.6 oz, addicted to amphetamines - and yet to be healthy and well today. And he does sound like a good little boy... he's fought for you so you are fighting this addiction now for him!

This story hits home to me because I've never had kids. I'm 40 in a month and the likelihood is slimming that I ever will. I was/am a very career driven woman and children just never entered the picture (also I got married a little later than most). While I was on adderall, I miscarried - it was the only time I have ever fallen pregnant. I was relieved to be honest, because my life was not where it needed to be and I knew it. I was in no place to be able to raise a child.

Who knows, if I can stay clean long enough maybe we will try again. It's fun practicing at least!! And good to know that I'm getting a healthier body to be a mother if indeed we do go down the IVF path...

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