Searchingsoul9

Fucked up, took my pills today.

43 posts in this topic

I was strongly considering not even telling you guys, but that made me feel like a liar asshole. So, here i am.

I made the mistake of going out drinking lastnight after work. I had one hour or sleep and i had to work in the morning and all day/night. So my half-dead mind said, "Take your adderall, you'll only make it through this long ass day if you have some energy"

And as i was on the verge of falling asleep in the shower before work, i decided to take them.

So i relapsed? I Suppose you would call it that. Even though i didn't even make it a week without em.

The worst part is...i don't regret it as much as i know i should.

Sort of lost and confused. Gotta get back to work though :-/

Sorry to disappoint , as per usual.

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Thanks for coming here, that's brave of you, as some folks here are real hard asses in the tough love department, and that can be sad and scary.

All I want to know is... what's your plan for today? As it says on the site here, you need to PLAN to quit. Living and working on one hour's sleep is just not going to cut it, and you will have no other option than to use, even though it's a lose/lose proposition.

Please have a think about it and reply. If you don't have a plan, you won't quit. Simple as that.

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That's why I tossed mine, there is no way I wouldn't do the same thing if I had immediate access to them.

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Awww,girl. Love you still !!! tho. I tend to think.this is/can go differently when that script is gone. Even if its taken by you ...tho that's up to you...but when it's gone. All your scenarios that you are encountering...will not be so easy to succomb to if they are not at your disposal....we want you to come to Vegas with us....but ya gots to be clean my girl. Lol. <3

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How about to make up for your relapse you do something positive toward your recovery like tonight flushing your pills? It'll prove to yourself and everyone around you that you are recommitting yourself to this fight.

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You have a hell of a lot more willpower than me to have those pills on hand and not take any for almost 4 days! I'm on day 4 too and NO WAY could I resist taking it if I had any left. Oh, they'd get flushed down the toilet alright... but only after being metabolized and excreted through my kidneys.

If you do plan on quitting but can't yet make yourself dispose of them, can you give them to a trusted, supportive somebody to hold on to them for you?

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You have a hell of a lot more willpower than me to have those pills on hand and not take any for almost 4 days! I'm on day 4 too and NO WAY could I resist taking it if I had any left. Oh, they'd get flushed down the toilet alright... but only after being metabolized and excreted through my kidneys.

If you do plan on quitting but can't yet make yourself dispose of them, can you give them to a trusted, supportive somebody to hold on to them for you?

I can't will myself to flush them! i am fucked. I don't know anyone who would hold them for me. Everyone that would, would give them to me if i asked. I am fucked. I honestly wont flush this many pills. I don't know what this means. Either i don't want to stop or i'm just a addicted loser

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That's too bad you relapsed. Consider it practice for the next time.

Eugh....but my practice seems to do me no good. I've "relapsed" after trying to quit at least 6 times

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May I suggest that you enter a formal treatment / detox program the next time you run out of pills, or sooner.

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I said something similar to ashley6 a while back when she was contemplating rehab.

I mean you have two options.

1. You either have to have immense will and motivation to quit yourself ( and support..which you'll have from the quitting adderall group)

2. detox/rehab/outpatient treatment...

But this is that crossroad every addict hits. Living with addiction is not sustainable -- but you know that.

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Searchingsoul9,

My question to you is, do you WANT to quit or are you more just thinking you should quit? There's a huge difference, and without the desire to decide the negatives outweigh the positives of adderall, I personally don't believe any detox or treatment center will be of assistance.

When I say want, I'm saying are you truly are willing to go through what it takes despite your fear of living without it? Want makes it sound fun and like it's all peachy. It's the gift of desperation that I finally reached, and it's still been the hardest thing of my life (maybe my life hasn't been hard enough). Just some things to think about. Having that many pills on me, it would've never worked for me. I still work on it a day a time, and that's all I can do, but life becoming real again has been awesome.

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Or death. A good friend of mine found his sons roommate dead in his bed late this afternoon. Overdose,appears adderall and perc 30's. They think his heart gave out. He was 23 years old.

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I can't will myself to flush them! i am fucked. I don't know anyone who would hold them for me. Everyone that would, would give them to me if i asked. I am fucked. I honestly wont flush this many pills. I don't know what this means. Either i don't want to stop or i'm just a addicted loser

No, I couldn't have flushed mine either (except in the manner I described..as in, I'd have to pee them out first. TMI, sorry) Honestly, I would relapse too if I had a pill in my hand right now, even though I really, really do want to quit and I hate how my life has become, I know I would take it if I had it- 'cause I am addicted and fucked too, the most I hope for right now is just to become slightly less fucked with each passing day of no addy. I've been wanting to quit already so on this last script, I just took it as I always had until it ran out, cut off my refills. I knew it was the only way that will (hopefully) work for me. Maybe the relapse you had will help you better understand your own way and realize for yourself what measures you need to take if you want to quit.

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tommorrow's a new day -- flush the pills, make a plan and forge ahead. Your posts show the rational part of you that wants to quit, unfortunately once the drug enters your system your rational brain is hijacked. I speak from personal experience. Something that helps me a lot is to reading 8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse in "Announcements" - reading it repeatedly. xo

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Searchingsoul9

Hi I hate to be a kill joy butt I know you would have relapse I new it by raiding your post you said you have 3 mounts of stash how the hell are going to stop using adderal. Like I said before you are not 100% committed into stopping adderall you are not ready you are a Yong girl with to meany issues in your life ED anxiety adderall addiction alcohol .Its like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking but he has a case of scotch in his home how the hell are you going to stop using adderall with 3 mounts of stash in your posesen its not possible you need to hit rock bottom before you stop using hit rock bottom yes its the only way you will get healthy im so afraid to say I jest hope you will not have any permanent damage to your organs when you do hit the bottom so please don’t give me any more of your bull shit baby girl you are not ready for the commitment to stop using adderall jest as I said before you need professional help you will never stop using with all that stash you have who are you kidding around with not me baby girl I can read you like a novel. Sorry for being so direct and I hope I did not hurt your feeling that is not my intention I jest want to see you get the proper help you need to get healthy .

Your Friend FALCON

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Good points falcon....and it made me stop and wonder if one can kinda just "matter of factly" I guess ...or is it mandatory to have it suck the life blood outta you and leave you on the floor...isn't that addictions main goal??? I know for me it had to be the latter both times I quit legitimately ....I know the times I said...yeah,shits fucked up and I really should quit....I never did. Hmmm interesting! ...and yeah...run PATS run. LOL

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Each persons bottom is different... that sounds weird. mine wasn't so harsh, I'd gone with my bff/ friend w benefits on a birthday trip, she didn't take addy, we fought on the trip, we never used to fight, I was a dick plain and simple, I was edgy and easily pissy, things that bugged me shouldn't have, I wasn't sweet or nice or that much fun (I'm being too black and white here, it wasn't that bad, but to her it was, we did have fun, but I was also kind of a dick)... and when we got back she said something like "you've changed, you're kind of an asshole now..." and so I thought about it for like 2 seconds and figured it was the adderall making my personality suck. I literally googled Does Adderall Change my Personality and found this site within 5 minutes of having that thought. I decided to quit then and there. It wasn't a big bottom, wasn't tragic or painful, I decided to quit. I still have all the pills from my last refill. So there are no rules to quitting-- there are things that might make it more likely we stay off, but come on we're all addicts and if we want to find it again it ain't that hard... we may have to jump thru a few more hoops than just getting up and getting it from the bathroom, but it's still easy and readily available if we get on that mission. The thing is to be ready and want something different. We all decided that adderall had negative side effects on our lives, that's why we thought about quitting, but it's not easy, life isn't easy, sometimes work is boring, sometimes life is boring, sometimes we feel lackluster and can't get into mundane daily tasks, and we remember that adderall charged us up and made the most mundane things if not fun then at least more interesting... and so some people go back to it cuz they miss that... but it's not going to work, even people who take it as they should and recommended by their Rx don't love it after a while. So we have to find a new source of happiness and motivation, we have to deal with life and make it better if it's not entirely satisfying. There are ways. A ton of people actually live healthy lives without the use of drugs to spice up their days. We can do that too. We just need to work a little to do so, and give our bodies time to adjust and repair, and not give in to temptation too easily as we are wont to do, because we are momentarily weak. And there are other ways to lose weight/ maintain a healthy body/ not gain weight other than taking adderall, much better ways.

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Searchingsoul9

Hi I hate to be a kill joy butt I know you would have relapse I new it by raiding your post you said you have 3 mounts of stash how the hell are going to stop using adderal. Like I said before you are not 100% committed into stopping adderall you are not ready you are a Yong girl with to meany issues in your life ED anxiety adderall addiction alcohol .Its like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking but he has a case of scotch in his home how the hell are you going to stop using adderall with 3 mounts of stash in your posesen its not possible you need to hit rock bottom before you stop using hit rock bottom yes its the only way you will get healthy im so afraid to say I jest hope you will not have any permanent damage to your organs when you do hit the bottom so please don’t give me any more of your bull shit baby girl you are not ready for the commitment to stop using adderall jest as I said before you need professional help you will never stop using with all that stash you have who are you kidding around with not me baby girl I can read you like a novel. Sorry for being so direct and I hope I did not hurt your feeling that is not my intention I jest want to see you get the proper help you need to get healthy .

Your Friend FALCON

That was some much needed tough love.. Are you going to have to hit bottom before your finally desperate enough to quit? Because if you haven't, maybe you can avoid it. But I'm nt seeing the desperation to quit and also like Ashley was saying that's what you need, because this will just continue to screw up your life more, being handcuffed to a prescription like this.

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So, SearchingSoul - You've had input from at last 9 or 10 people here, ranging from pragmatic suggestions to gentle encouragement to downright WTF-are-you-doing-with-yourself tough love. But we haven't heard back from you.

What's the plan, lady? Maybe now is not the right time. Fine. Just remember that the only way out is through...

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Neversaynever,

That's so sad about the death. That could've been a lot of us. 23 years old. So young.

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Hey sky sorry brother butt the bottom is a place where your life is jeopardize when you basically have a disability and can not function any longer most people at this point need professional help some people can get up and recover by sour will power . In my opinion this is hitting bottom unfortunately some people need to hit that point to recover from there addictions.

Your friend FALCON

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