I want the old me back!

[lisabisa]

I am new to this, so i am just going to tell my story.I know I need help, and I am hoping someone can offer it to me. I started taking adderall back in 2009, originally because I thought it would help me with school. I was working towards getting my bachelors degree in photography.I was in a very abusive relationship at the time, and very depressed. I met this guy, and my life began to spiral downwards.to make a long story short I moved in with him and another couple, who i later found out where drug dealers. I recognized that the environment I was in, was not for me at all.Since I was tired of being labeled as the "stuck up, prissy" girl, I gave in and did cocaine. I did not like the way it made me feel, and who i was becoming. I quit this cold turkey, and thought my battle with addiction was over. Little did I know I would become addicted to adderall, and oddly this was way worse then cocaine. I know and recognize it, but I just can not stop it.When I started taking it, I was surprised at how easily my doctor gave it to me. I now wish he would have asked me more questions or made it a little more difficult at the time. I was actually diagnosed with ADD as a child, and never liked to take medicine. I figured that I was becoming an adult, and I should do something about my concentration.I got away from one mess, just to get into another. I have always been a very determined responsible person, seeking to further myself in every way possible. I started on 10mg, which now that I think back on it I am amazed at how well it worked for me. About 6 months later, I noticed I had lost 15 pounds without trying and I was happier then ever. I noticed after a while on the medication, I could not sleep. Then I started taking the occasional tylenol pm to go to sleep at night, because my mom would always supply me if I needed any.Now, I can not sleep if I don't take it. I know it is physically possible to sleep, but I just can not stand the agonizing hours of trying to fall asleep without it. Adderall has ruined my life, I am miserable and it does not even help me anymore. I slowly over the last year went from 125, to now the heaviest I have ever been at 145. It seems as though my body does not even respond to adderall anymore, and actually I can still be tired after taking it. I am now up to 30mg 2x a day, which ends up leaving me moody and unfocused.In the morning it helps me a lot, but then my second dose just makes me very crabby.I do not understand what is causing this, and I have begged my doctor to give me adderall xr.(only because i am weak and thought switching meds and having them work, was better then stopping) I have been struggling for a long time, because I thought "why take these if it is not even helping me focus, and I have now gained weight." I know I am addicted, because I can not go one day without taking my pills.I wake up in the morning, and my first thought is where is my bottle. That is truly sad to me!!My problem is, I moved across country and I am working and going to school. My family doctor back in Illinois, still writes me prescriptions and my mom pays for them and sends the bottle to me in the mail.(btw I am 27) I have told her many times about my problems, and even tryed making the excuse I could not afford them. Which is why she then started paying for them(so much for my excuse to try to stop) Yet she still thinks that this junk actually helps me, even though I have told her how miserable I am. I have been trying to think of ways to quit, and I have not found any good ones. I am scared that I will get fired, and if i can not imagine gaining anymore weight.It took me so long to get this job after losing another, I do not know what i would do if i lost it. What use am I having my close to dream job, when I constantly hate going in(which i know is my medicine making me that way) I know my mom will keep sending me the prescription, so i have to take a stand. It feels impossible to do though, even though I want to just flush my pills down the toilet right now and just tell her to never send me them again. Which would be great because if she does not send them, I have no way to get them out here in Nevada.I am tired of spending my days as a walking zombie,who can snap at any moment.No one really wants to hang around me, or I just think that these days. I have to force myself to sit down with my roomate, even to watch a half hour t.v show. My mind is constantly thinking and worrying about things I need to get done.(which btw I spend half my time worrying and not much time getting things done anymore) I have become so distant from everyone, I barely even go anywhere. I stopped going to school this quarter, which was the last straw for me. I love photography, and I just do not care anymore..I want to be creative but my brain just won't do it. I begged my roommate to help me many times, but he just does not get it.I need help, and I need it bad. I was wondering if I should maybe request like 4/5 days off work so I can go through the "lazy" period. Since I am a wedding photographer, and I can not really be lazy because then the wedding would not get shot. I am at my last rope, and ready to change now! Someone please help me with my first step, can you help me understand what I will experience the first day? And will flushing my pills make it harder or easier for me?I want to smile again, I want to actually feel again, I want to mainly relax again...

[mka]

You can do this. Today was my first day Adderall free. Not going to lie, this morning was extremely hard for me, had a bit of a panic attack, called into work, then went back to bed for a couple hours. After I forced myself out of bed though, I went for a bike ride to try and energize and clear my head, totally worked.

I understand completely what you mean about just constantly worrying about getting things done, but then ending up not getting anything done at all. It's a vicious cycle.

If you are a wedding photographer, then honestly, taking a few days off might be a better option than risking ruining a job.

Have you considered weaning yourself?

Talk to your mom. Be honest, tell her to stop sending you them. If she doesn't, tell her she is wasting her money, and you will flush them anyways.

You sound like you are ready to quit. Now you just need to take the step to actually do it.

It is possible, and it will be worth it.

good luck

[Alliee]

I am new to this, so i am just going to tell my story.I know I need help, and I am hoping someone can offer it to me. I started taking adderall back in 2009, originally because I thought it would help me with school. I was working towards getting my bachelors degree in photography.I was in a very abusive relationship at the time, and very depressed. I met this guy, and my life began to spiral downwards.to make a long story short I moved in with him and another couple, who i later found out where drug dealers. I recognized that the environment I was in, was not for me at all.Since I was tired of being labeled as the "stuck up, prissy" girl, I gave in and did cocaine. I did not like the way it made me feel, and who i was becoming. I quit this cold turkey, and thought my battle with addiction was over. Little did I know I would become addicted to adderall, and oddly this was way worse then cocaine. I know and recognize it, but I just can not stop it.When I started taking it, I was surprised at how easily my doctor gave it to me. I now wish he would have asked me more questions or made it a little more difficult at the time. I was actually diagnosed with ADD as a child, and never liked to take medicine. I figured that I was becoming an adult, and I should do something about my concentration.I got away from one mess, just to get into another. I have always been a very determined responsible person, seeking to further myself in every way possible. I started on 10mg, which now that I think back on it I am amazed at how well it worked for me. About 6 months later, I noticed I had lost 15 pounds without trying and I was happier then ever. I noticed after a while on the medication, I could not sleep. Then I started taking the occasional tylenol pm to go to sleep at night, because my mom would always supply me if I needed any.Now, I can not sleep if I don't take it. I know it is physically possible to sleep, but I just can not stand the agonizing hours of trying to fall asleep without it. Adderall has ruined my life, I am miserable and it does not even help me anymore. I slowly over the last year went from 125, to now the heaviest I have ever been at 145. It seems as though my body does not even respond to adderall anymore, and actually I can still be tired after taking it. I am now up to 30mg 2x a day, which ends up leaving me moody and unfocused.In the morning it helps me a lot, but then my second dose just makes me very crabby.I do not understand what is causing this, and I have begged my doctor to give me adderall xr.(only because i am weak and thought switching meds and having them work, was better then stopping) I have been struggling for a long time, because I thought "why take these if it is not even helping me focus, and I have now gained weight." I know I am addicted, because I can not go one day without taking my pills.I wake up in the morning, and my first thought is where is my bottle. That is truly sad to me!!My problem is, I moved across country and I am working and going to school. My family doctor back in Illinois, still writes me prescriptions and my mom pays for them and sends the bottle to me in the mail.(btw I am 27) I have told her many times about my problems, and even tryed making the excuse I could not afford them. Which is why she then started paying for them(so much for my excuse to try to stop) Yet she still thinks that this junk actually helps me, even though I have told her how miserable I am. I have been trying to think of ways to quit, and I have not found any good ones. I am scared that I will get fired, and if i can not imagine gaining anymore weight.It took me so long to get this job after losing another, I do not know what i would do if i lost it. What use am I having my close to dream job, when I constantly hate going in(which i know is my medicine making me that way) I know my mom will keep sending me the prescription, so i have to take a stand. It feels impossible to do though, even though I want to just flush my pills down the toilet right now and just tell her to never send me them again. Which would be great because if she does not send them, I have no way to get them out here in Nevada.I am tired of spending my days as a walking zombie,who can snap at any moment.No one really wants to hang around me, or I just think that these days. I have to force myself to sit down with my roomate, even to watch a half hour t.v show. My mind is constantly thinking and worrying about things I need to get done.(which btw I spend half my time worrying and not much time getting things done anymore) I have become so distant from everyone, I barely even go anywhere. I stopped going to school this quarter, which was the last straw for me. I love photography, and I just do not care anymore..I want to be creative but my brain just won't do it. I begged my roommate to help me many times, but he just does not get it.I need help, and I need it bad. I was wondering if I should maybe request like 4/5 days off work so I can go through the "lazy" period. Since I am a wedding photographer, and I can not really be lazy because then the wedding would not get shot. I am at my last rope, and ready to change now! Someone please help me with my first step, can you help me understand what I will experience the first day? And will flushing my pills make it harder or easier for me?I want to smile again, I want to actually feel again, I want to mainly relax again...

ugh, exactly me. I don't care anymore. I don't care about relationships. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I'm just a shell.

[Alliee]

OK, I feel like a person again! A month off of adderall, I am not starting to get the normal fears back. I'm worried about my dopamine receptors and I'm also very worried about the fact that I'm not in a relationship at 25. I'm worried all the loving guys are already loving their girlfriends right now!! So.... I guess that's a good fear to have right now, right? I know that if I hadn't been taking adderall I would be in a loving relationships. My relationships were never rocky before I got on that stuff. Oh well! Things are getting better. I will keep updating.

[Greg]

lisabisa,

I can definitely relate with a lot of things you said. Especially the part about waking up in the morning and thinking about your bottle immediately. As soon as I reached for the alarm, I reached for the pills then woke up in bed. I did that every morning. And I can also relate to the parts about needing Tylenol PM to go to sleep - every night. I eventually switched to Excedrin PM because I felt it had more of the ingredient to help me sleep! I've also had people mail my pill bottle to me in the mail and have also contemplated flushing them down the toilet many, many times, once successfully. I was also on the same dosage as you 30 mgs twice daily. Although I stayed true to that dosage for a while...maybe a year, eventually I started taking four of them a day, and ultimately I was taking up to eight or nine of those 30 mg tablets a day and eventually crushing them up and snorting them. Sometimes Id take more than that.

As a severe adderall addict, now in recovery, I recommend you just tell your mom that you are getting addicted or are addicted to these pills. That will stop her. Then, with it being so difficult to get pills in Nevada, you wont have any choice but to force yourself to stop.

In the beginning it will probably be scary, because you will be living without your crutch. For me, in the short run I was absolutely terrified and confined myself to my bed for weeks. I didn't just stop adderall, I stopped everything going on in my life. It took a while for lethargy to begin to wear off. But in the long run, you will have more energy and you will be much, much better off and happier.

I think everyone who is getting off adderall worries about the weight so, so much. I think what happens is that we are so used to the pills supressing our appetite that we don't know how to eat in moderation on our own anymore. You have to relearn how to eat in moderation again - without pills. If you keep your calorie intake to 1200-1500 calories a day, you won't gain weight. If you are really worried about your weight, I would go so far as to count your calories, in the days you get off the pills.

For me, I needed to join a weight loss program (Nutrisystem) to help me learn to do that. Eventually, I learned how to manage my weight without adderall. By the way, the Nutrisystem really worked with me. Prior to joining the program, I had just gotten off adderall and had rapidly gained twenty pounds. Another time, when I was trying to quit ritalin, I gained forty pounds. So the Nutrisystem really helped me get back on track...

When I was on adderall, I never really felt hungry much and never needed to diet and I just didn't eat very much. Now, I can still eat that way without being on adderall, only I'm consciously working at it, and I'm consciously on a diet...watching what I eat. It's a much more normalized way to manage your weight then using pills though.

Anyway, I know you can do it.

Stay strong and you'll def pull through!