12 posts in this topic

Hi there,

Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this.

Have faith for me,

Kiss

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Hey girl.....you gotta have faith in you!!! The weight issues...well the extensive list of ways adderall will fuck up your life when abused is going to long exceed the weight issue. Specially if your a personal trainer you know the ins and outs of the fitness game....unlike myself ..I went cold Turkey off about 400 mgs a day..self medicating via my own order...the scale shot up and I freaked. .but I didn't use. It's coming down by eating better qualities of food. I spent that amount on pills...multiple times a week. I have no job though...so usage was exceeding the means...ya know. You may be able to taper do to the amount you take. ..I have not much knowledge about those amounts due to having exceeded them many many years ago. If adderall already contributes to unrealistic expectations its wise to cut it out of your life while you still have court advantage. Of the low dosage....so I'm glad you found the site....its awesome,stick around and hang In there girl!

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If you're in the fitness industry you must know a lot about nutrition and supplements, yes? There are lots of things that you can take that will help with the energy loss, hunger etc. Sure they may not be the same as going natural but they're a lot better than taking adderall?

I can imagine the pressure you are under and probably put yourself under to be always in the gym surrounded by people who are obsessed with their image/looks. It takes a very strong person not to be affected like that. Just remember that everyone is looking with envy at everyone else.... the obese guy looks at the normal guy and wants to be him, the normal guy looks at the musclehead and wants to be like him, the musclehead looks at the brainyac and wants to be like him, and on and on we go. You are you, fat or thin, or in-between. The girl you need to accept is the one in front of the mirror, today, the one who lives in your body.

You are lucky. You are fit, healthy and have a job you like. Try to think about the positive things you have going for you -- write them on post its and stick on the mirror! and tell your gremlins to shut the fuck up. You can do it!

How do I know all of this? Because I'm a woman. And we all feel like you. Hugs :)

EDIT: Have you seen this cartoon? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/gym

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Hey - Welcome. I know exactly how you feel re: weight gain. That fear has led me back to meds many times. If I could take them like a normal person I'd be golden -- appreciate the benefits for ADD, help me focus @ work etc... After a while though 20mg/day was not nearly enough - I found myself taking more and more just to get thru the day, and the night -- until I blew thru the entire script and had to cold turkey until my next doctor's appt. At first that was maybe a week, then 10 days, then 2 weeks and by that time I had found additional supplies "just until my next appt." Unfortunately I was not able to put them down which put my addiction in overdrive. I also thought it was my secret weapon for staying thin... but I never really lost weight other than a few pounds which I'd immediately gain back. So I had to go cold turkey and honestly it hasn't been that bad (10 days!) I think that's because the abuse got so bad I thought I was going to die.

You are so lucky to be in good physical shape. I think that's the ultimate replacement of 1 high for a far superior one. I used to be heavy so body image is always an issue. I still obsess about being skinny but I think the meds fueled that obsession. I loved the high of not eating all day and not being hungry but eventually I'd have to eat to fall asleep which meant eating 80% of my calories late at night.

It's also great that you have a supportive boyfriend. I wish you strength on this journey and would love to hear how you're doing so keep checking in.

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Motivation_Follows_Action - I read the Invisible Man. It was pretty good. Stay strong. Momentary slip-upp for sure. Do you know for sure whether you didn't get the job?

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Rick do you mean the klosterman book "the visible man," I just ask because I've read most of his non-fiction stuff and was curious what you thought if that's the same book I'm referring to, if not please disregard thanks

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Hi there,

Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this.

Have faith for me,

Kiss

Hi there,

Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this.

Have faith for me,

Kiss

I can totally relate. The biggest reason i find myself unable to fully quit is the fear of weight gain. It's like my appetite comes back with such vengeance when i stop taking the adderall. Even if i kepe myself filled up on healthy foods, i crave sugar, sweets, salty crap junk food. It is so hard. But i believe that if you filled it and are having it sit in your drawer, you must really want to beat this and i believe that you can. You must enjoy working out. So use that to your benefit and go with it. Screw the pills. They eat all your muscle definition and tone anyways

xoxoxo

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Rick do you mean the klosterman book "the visible man," I just ask because I've read most of his non-fiction stuff and was curious what you thought if that's the same book I'm referring to, if not please disregard thanks

Krax, I'd recommended it to Rick here, in entry #34: . I find it really interesting how we in this forum have so many overlapping tastes... what's that all about I wonder...?

(and btw neversaynever I would probably never go to a concert today, but I LOVE Soundgarden... didn't know they were even together still)... you must be v excited for tomorrow night, are you going to wear your doc-martins-and-white-tank-shirt-with-the-black-bra-underneath look? tee hee...

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I can totally relate. The biggest reason i find myself unable to fully quit is the fear of weight gain.

xoxoxo

We allllll relate! I'm back in my "fat" jeans now, blah blah. I do feel strangely more at peace about it this time around though. Last time I gained 20lbs. This time I've gained 12.

Want to know how I arrived at a little less of an anxious place? I have started realizing that so long as you reach a certain "acceptableness" in relation to your appearance, the rest of the attractiveness equation is about what's going on upstairs. If you're 36-24-36 but can't hold a conversation because all you spent your entire weekend doing was hanging out in the hairdresser/mall/nail-salon (and let's face it, beauty takes a shit load of maintenance time), that hardly makes you a great conversationalist.

Honestly, no one around me who really cares about me gives a flying shit whether I am a size 2 or 6, but what they do care about is whether I am connecting with them as a human being, and whether I am able to listen to what's going on with them, and whether or not I like being in my own company.

So, I'd recommend put the scales down for a few days, hang a sheet over the full-length mirror, just concentrate on being fully in the moment, and enjoying the health that is YOU not on adderall.... try it, it's kind of a nice place to be if you can accept it....

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Krax, I'd recommended it to Rick here, in entry #34: . I find it really interesting how we in this forum have so many overlapping tastes... what's that all about I wonder...?

(and btw neversaynever I would probably never go to a concert today, but I LOVE Soundgarden... didn't know they were even together still)... you must be v excited for tomorrow night, are you going to wear your doc-martins-and-white-tank-shirt-with-the-black-bra-underneath look? tee hee...still don't get this quote shit????LOL hell yeah....3rd row center soundgarden! !!! Like the outfit details...LOL I have no clue actually ..gonna throw a shit ton of stuff in bags and head to my friends. .hmmm,how would one post a pix on here though. .go slow. .I'm retarded. Lol. Say I just snapped one...its in my gallery ...step 2 ???? Its that bad! LOL. Hugs girl!!!

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I did the quote shit wayyyyy wrong there...look. close in your own words and you'll find me! !! Yup!!! Hi!!!!!!!! Goddddddd! What the fuck!!!

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Honestly, no one around me who really cares about me gives a flying shit whether I am a size 2 or 6, but what they do care about is whether I am connecting with them as a human being, and whether I am able to listen to what's going on with them, and whether or not I like being in my own company.

So, I'd recommend put the scales down for a few days, hang a sheet over the full-length mirror, just concentrate on being fully in the moment, and enjoying the health that is YOU not on adderall.... try it, it's kind of a nice place to be if you can accept it....

You are so right about this which is something I often forget.

It's funny because I was watching a movie - "open water 2" ( 3 couples go sailing on a big yacht, jump in the ocean for swim and can't get back in the boat because they forget to put the ladder down... ) and I'm thinking damn - this one chick really rocks a bikini -- but then when they are in dire straights the chick who rocks the bikini is the first one to completely unravel, and I'm thinking -- damn -- I'm jealous of the chick rocking the bikini ?!? In the scope of things and especially when the going gets rough -- how one looks in a bikini is irrelevant.

Not that I don't still strive to look my best and be healthy but really it's what's going on upstairs that counts, which is the basis of connecting, which is what's ultimately getting me clean. Connect with people vs connect with the addiction, which happens when I isolate. And being in the moment is key. So thank you once again Motivation, for another great pearl bye.gif

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