Searchingsoul9 Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 I haven't been posting lately because it's been a busy week with work, upcoming classes, my moms birthday, going out....etc. I have not been pill free the whole time. I used today. And as per usual it was because i was feeling fat. Not going to wallow on my self pity though. Just pick up, start again. I will be out of my supply soon though. And i am going to end my "relationship" with my psychiatrist and begin a new one with another woman who recomended i get off the as, and try welbutrin for the depresson/anxiet/ed/cigs. Hoping that goes well. I just know i can't go on like this forever. Obviously. I knew that when i started the shits. I just....honestly i've told yall everything about my life except one major thing. But that one thing is a HUGE reason why i keep taking the pills. I am too afraid to say it on here because ...well, this IS the internet and anyone can google anything and find it. But, lets just say i have done something i am not proud of, yet continue to do. So when i wake up in the morning and feel actual remorse for it...i find the pills and/or alcohol calling my name. Anywayssssssssssssssssss. Love you all. I know i am the epitome of "fuck up", but i felt i should update. xoxox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 Look, if we all felt that way then I'm sure we could all have a competition with you about who is the biggest fuck up. To me, the thing you will need to try and grapple with is to accept yourself, warts and all. You need to know that gaining weight is probably pretty inevitable if you're going to quit stimulants. Unless you are lifting weights a lot or running 50 miles a week or so, your metabolism is going to slow down. You have to be okay with that trade off for a while. Otherwise you will relapse and relapse and relapse every time the scale hits a certain number. And then you'll be fucking up with your health BIG time. Let me be an example to you -- I probably won't be able to have children because I've abused my body so much over the years. I've had stomach ulcers, chronic back pain and a whole host of other things because I punished my body to be unnaturally thin through my 20s and 30s. But you'll listen to one person - you. Just try to find a place where you can hear what she is trying to tell you. Your body wants you to be kind to her... not binge, not starve, not confuse, just be kind. One of the hardest lessons women ever ever learn, especially in this bloody westernized protestant culture we live in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomedayDreamer Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 Soulsearching 9- if the weight control is truly a big part of this for you, please listen to me..... I was on adderall for 7 years, and in the past 2.5 years, I GAINED weight on it. It was not because my appetite returned with increased tolerance, I was eating next to nothing in those 18 months, I subsisted on black coffee, cigarettes and about 600 calories a day of food. Yet, I put on nearly 25 pounds! It seems my body gave up and just hung on to every calorie I gave it (along with being sleep deprived). I also learned that adderall raises your blood sugar levels as part of the stress response. Elevated blood sugar levels increase insulin production-- insulin is a fat storage hormone. Adderall also makes your adrenals pump out excessive cortisol, another stress hormone that promotes fat storage, especially dangerous visceral fat in your belly. And so here I am as testament to that. While some (many?) users may become stick-thin, it doesn't always work that way and it's not sustainable in the long term anyway (you already know that) Miraculously, in the past 12 days that I've been off addy, I've LOST 3.5 lbs (oh happy day ) I realize that may not be typical in withdrawal.....but just something to keep in mind. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 I sounds like you have that one unspeakable thing that's in your way to apath of healthy living / being Adderall Free. Are you able to talk about it with anyone? it sounds like it weighs heavily on your soul, and causes you a lot of distress... it sounds like if you make that a prority to deal with, come to terms with, resolve, and be at peace with, you'll feel all around better about your self and life in general. It sucks to have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach (soul) first thing when you wake up and once again realize o m g what have I done... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 It sucks to have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach (soul) first thing when you wake up and once again realize o m g what have I done... Preach it, sky! Very, very wise words. You've just described the perpetual cycle (more like downward spiral) of addiction and trauma: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 Look, if we all felt that way then I'm sure we could all have a competition with you about who is the biggest fuck up. To me, the thing you will need to try and grapple with is to accept yourself, warts and all. You need to know that gaining weight is probably pretty inevitable if you're going to quit stimulants. Unless you are lifting weights a lot or running 50 miles a week or so, your metabolism is going to slow down. You have to be okay with that trade off for a while. Otherwise you will relapse and relapse and relapse every time the scale hits a certain number. And then you'll be fucking up with your health BIG time. Let me be an example to you -- I probably won't be able to have children because I've abused my body so much over the years. I've had stomach ulcers, chronic back pain and a whole host of other things because I punished my body to be unnaturally thin through my 20s and 30s. But you'll listen to one person - you. Just try to find a place where you can hear what she is trying to tell you. Your body wants you to be kind to her... not binge, not starve, not confuse, just be kind. One of the hardest lessons women ever ever learn, especially in this bloody westernized protestant culture we live in. Look, if we all felt that way then I'm sure we could all have a competition with you about who is the biggest fuck up. To me, the thing you will need to try and grapple with is to accept yourself, warts and all. You need to know that gaining weight is probably pretty inevitable if you're going to quit stimulants. Unless you are lifting weights a lot or running 50 miles a week or so, your metabolism is going to slow down. You have to be okay with that trade off for a while. Otherwise you will relapse and relapse and relapse every time the scale hits a certain number. And then you'll be fucking up with your health BIG time. Let me be an example to you -- I probably won't be able to have children because I've abused my body so much over the years. I've had stomach ulcers, chronic back pain and a whole host of other things because I punished my body to be unnaturally thin through my 20s and 30s. But you'll listen to one person - you. Just try to find a place where you can hear what she is trying to tell you. Your body wants you to be kind to her... not binge, not starve, not confuse, just be kind. One of the hardest lessons women ever ever learn, especially in this bloody westernized protestant culture we live in. Yeah, being a woman sucks sometimes. But you're right. And i'm sorry to hear about your struggles with it as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 Soulsearching 9- if the weight control is truly a big part of this for you, please listen to me..... I was on adderall for 7 years, and in the past 2.5 years, I GAINED weight on it. It was not because my appetite returned with increased tolerance, I was eating next to nothing in those 18 months, I subsisted on black coffee, cigarettes and about 600 calories a day of food. Yet, I put on nearly 25 pounds! It seems my body gave up and just hung on to every calorie I gave it (along with being sleep deprived). I also learned that adderall raises your blood sugar levels as part of the stress response. Elevated blood sugar levels increase insulin production-- insulin is a fat storage hormone. Adderall also makes your adrenals pump out excessive cortisol, another stress hormone that promotes fat storage, especially dangerous visceral fat in your belly. And so here I am as testament to that. While some (many?) users may become stick-thin, it doesn't always work that way and it's not sustainable in the long term anyway (you already know that) Miraculously, in the past 12 days that I've been off addy, I've LOST 3.5 lbs (oh happy day ) I realize that may not be typical in withdrawal.....but just something to keep in mind. Soulsearching 9- if the weight control is truly a big part of this for you, please listen to me..... I was on adderall for 7 years, and in the past 2.5 years, I GAINED weight on it. It was not because my appetite returned with increased tolerance, I was eating next to nothing in those 18 months, I subsisted on black coffee, cigarettes and about 600 calories a day of food. Yet, I put on nearly 25 pounds! It seems my body gave up and just hung on to every calorie I gave it (along with being sleep deprived). I also learned that adderall raises your blood sugar levels as part of the stress response. Elevated blood sugar levels increase insulin production-- insulin is a fat storage hormone. Adderall also makes your adrenals pump out excessive cortisol, another stress hormone that promotes fat storage, especially dangerous visceral fat in your belly. And so here I am as testament to that. While some (many?) users may become stick-thin, it doesn't always work that way and it's not sustainable in the long term anyway (you already know that) Miraculously, in the past 12 days that I've been off addy, I've LOST 3.5 lbs (oh happy day ) I realize that may not be typical in withdrawal.....but just something to keep in mind. This was a helpful response for sure. I had noticed a month or so ago that i no longer was losing weight with the adderall, even though i barely ate..i just maintained. And my muscle tone is no longer very defined, but skinny fat i guess. Congrats on the weight loss without the stupid pills! xox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 I sounds like you have that one unspeakable thing that's in your way to apath of healthy living / being Adderall Free. Are you able to talk about it with anyone? it sounds like it weighs heavily on your soul, and causes you a lot of distress... it sounds like if you make that a prority to deal with, come to terms with, resolve, and be at peace with, you'll feel all around better about your self and life in general. It sucks to have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach (soul) first thing when you wake up and once again realize o m g what have I done... Exactly. It's just such a huge obstacle because it's effecting every aspect of my life. It started off as rebellious fun. The adderall definitely blocked my moral compass, and the alcohol was the cherry on top. Now, i am a paranoid mess all the time, worrying if the people i am hiding this from have found out. It is inevitable, It's been almost 6 months, someone is bound to find out and when they do my life will really crumble before my eyes. Family, work, friends. I probably am making no sense, but the only person i have told thinks it is "cool" and 'badass" what i am doing, but it's wrong and i should feel bad about it, but i mostly feel paranoid and worried for myself. How selfish. Anyways, i am working towards putting an end to the situation. It is just very complicated because i could lose my job. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 21, 2013 Report Share Posted January 21, 2013 ugh, girl, damage control stat. I realize it's not something you want to talk about, so being very general, I hope it's something you can just walk away from... no matter what, curtail that shit so you can live a happy life, and wake up feeling great......... I know I don't need to tell you, but get some help with it if you can! obv not your friend who's not helping you by thinking it's cool n badass. the other thing is to keep it in perspective. it may be huge now but later it may not be that big of a deal... I have no idea, but for example the way High School seemed so important at the time, but once it's over and in the past, it seems so petty and lame, though at the time everything was SO important.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 ugh, girl, damage control stat. I realize it's not something you want to talk about, so being very general, I hope it's something you can just walk away from... no matter what, curtail that shit so you can live a happy life, and wake up feeling great......... I know I don't need to tell you, but get some help with it if you can! obv not your friend who's not helping you by thinking it's cool n badass. the other thing is to keep it in perspective. it may be huge now but later it may not be that big of a deal... I have no idea, but for example the way High School seemed so important at the time, but once it's over and in the past, it seems so petty and lame, though at the time everything was SO important.... yes, in dire need of damage control. Working on it, slowly...but trying to figure how to go about the situation <3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Searchingsoul, have you heard of the concept of a personal board of directors? I use it when I have a big problem to solve and there are many perspectives who will weigh in, some of which will be probably contradictory but all of which are helpful. For example, I was in a situation once at work which was highly charged and very litigious and anything I said could have "come back to bite me", so to speak. So I thought of the 4 or 5 people who would really be able to help me: 2 lawyers (friends), 2 were other executives, and one was someone who I just thought was a really wise person. I called each of them and asked what they thought I should do. In the end, the solution was to follow just a little bit of advice from everyone, and it worked out ok. Seems like ancient history now but at the time it took up 99% of my energy and thoughts. And I agree with sky. Get rid of toxic people, just like you're getting rid of toxic chemicals from your life. Life is too short to be influenced by those who don't have your best interests and your own integrity at heart. One final thing: as you know, when you're on adderall and also in withdrawal, EVERYTHING seems to get blown out of perspective. I felt sure after I lost my job that my husband would divorce me, I'd end up in abject poverty, that I'd never be able to face my family and friends again. None of that happened, and in fact I've become closer to all of them because I was myself, honest, and faced the music of what I'd done. Like I said, people like it when we are vulnerable sometimes, but we hate being vulnerable ourselves most of the time. Takes enormous strength to be vulnerable to the people you trust. But I am telling my own story. I wish you good luck with yours. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Searchingsoul, have you heard of the concept of a personal board of directors? I use it when I have a big problem to solve and there are many perspectives who will weigh in, some of which will be probably contradictory but all of which are helpful. For example, I was in a situation once at work which was highly charged and very litigious and anything I said could have "come back to bite me", so to speak. So I thought of the 4 or 5 people who would really be able to help me: 2 lawyers (friends), 2 were other executives, and one was someone who I just thought was a really wise person. I called each of them and asked what they thought I should do. In the end, the solution was to follow just a little bit of advice from everyone, and it worked out ok. Seems like ancient history now but at the time it took up 99% of my energy and thoughts. And I agree with sky. Get rid of toxic people, just like you're getting rid of toxic chemicals from your life. Life is too short to be influenced by those who don't have your best interests and your own integrity at heart. One final thing: as you know, when you're on adderall and also in withdrawal, EVERYTHING seems to get blown out of perspective. I felt sure after I lost my job that my husband would divorce me, I'd end up in abject poverty, that I'd never be able to face my family and friends again. None of that happened, and in fact I've become closer to all of them because I was myself, honest, and faced the music of what I'd done. Like I said, people like it when we are vulnerable sometimes, but we hate being vulnerable ourselves most of the time. Takes enormous strength to be vulnerable to the people you trust. But I am telling my own story. I wish you good luck with yours. Thank you beautiful. I know in the big scheme of things...this will seem like a stupid childish fling, but right now it consumes me. I am in the process of finding a therapist now though. The past week has been busy. School, early/long hours, and constant hunt for a counselor. How are you doing?xoxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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