emmmapea

Feel completely alone.

14 posts in this topic

Hey everybody.

I've written in once before upon finding this site, basically shelling out all the anger I felt in response to accepting and admitting that I have an addiction to adderall. Now that I've had a month or so to ruminate over all this information and having told a few people, I decided last night to flush the pills.

I had just refilled my prescription on the 14th (after I had thought I wasn't going to) and found myself once again going into an adderall binge which basically lasted for the next 4 days. And once again I found myself shut up in my room and avoiding all contact with my roommates, phone calls, and even calling into work "sick" during those few days. The whole time I was on that binge too I just planned and planned and organized how I was going to quit. That is the whole thing about this. I have been planning what I am going to do about this problem the whole time I've had the problem. Does that make any FREAKIN' sense!? Lists lists LISTS!!! I mean talk about all the paper I've wasted.

Basically where I'm at now is feeling so alone. So useless. My mom keeps telling me I need to get out and be active, do activities, make myself feel better, find groups to talk to about this problem, but I feel like no one freaking understands. My roommates are trying to pretend like they know me better than I do and that I should be doing this or that...but they just don't fucking get it. And now I get on facebook today and find that my friend got accepted into the nursing program she's been working so hard to get into, and as happy as I am for her really, I mean that was me before, we began that process together, working to get into nursing school. And now here I am a fucking loser sitting in my room. alone. STILL trying finish school a couple classes at a time. I mean shit it's been almost 7 years working on this bachelors now. Everyone is surpassing me and all I'm left with is adderall. It doesn't even help me to succeed in school anymore...which I guess is why I realized there's no point to taking it anymore, but still without it I feel like I've lost a part of me. I lost that one thing I knew would energize me to do something, ANYTHING, whatever it was.

How can I be successful again? How can I complete these 2 classes this semester? I'm so scared of failing without these pills. I've already wasted too much time and money (tuition).

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Hey. Believe me I understand. I flushed my script 5 days ago. I have always been 2 steps ahead of everyone.. now Im just trying to get through the few classes I'm taking. It's hard! But it will be so worth it. You'll get it back!!!!! Keep on going forward. Just know your not alone. I've spent the last weekend alone in my apartment... not communicating with anyone. Well I guess that's been my last few months.

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you're not alone no matter how much you isolate yourself in your bedroom. we're here and we understand. you can come here any time for support on your journey from the depths of hell back to the crispy surface of reality...

it was a good job flushing your pills. that will make it a lot easier to stay the course and not fold to impulse and wavering commitment, and the longer you go from the last time it was in your system, the better. then you can clearly start to work on those things that you want to achieve and conquer those traits you want to eliminate.

One thing we have to avoid doing, and fuck an a I do this all the time too, is compare ourselves to other people, and especially judge ourselves based on our perceptions of other people. we can't see the full god like perspective where we know it all, so our perceptions and judgement are clouded and short sighted and biased by our feelings of inadequacy and self loathing...

welcome to this great community...

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Thanks for your responses. Can you guys suggest any sort of community groups NA,AA that type of stuff that would be somewhat helpful? I know people may not be able to completely udnerstand where we are coming from, but something would be better than nothing. At least to feel like i have some sort of people around me here that can relate to the feeling of addiction. Has anything like that worked for you?

And Rach, any advice as how to get through classes. How do you make yourself read, study, or whatever it is you do for the type of classes you're taking? It feels like absolute hell and that I can't absorb any of the information that I try to read. I'm taking a freaking Philosophy class for god sakes....ugh I guess I only have myself to blame for that....ha

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Emmapea, This adderall support group is definitely a great place to start!

I am definitely going to be dealing with all the reading, studying, exams stuff come Tuesday when classes officially start. You are not alone.

But there is no way in hell i will be doing any of that with adderall. It ruined my life once, and i refuse to allow it to ruin my life again. I already have plans to get tutoring and whatnot to help me maintain my GPA if it goes south, because unfortunately if i dont get a certain grade point average I will lose my tuition scholarship. I need to get high Bs at least. My fingers are crossed, and i refuse to do it with adderall. even if it means dropping class to lighten the course load or whatever, there are so many options. I know academic advising offices offer a lot of services, some free and some you can pay for to help you get your grades up. So adderall is just not the way to do it. its really the stupid addict solution.

welcome.gif

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Also, if taking philosophy has you worried about needing adderall to get through then do the smart thing and drop philosophy and take something easier like the planet earth 101 or something...ask around for easier classes that can fulfill your requirements. Adderall is not a solution.

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The only way I can make myself do any studying is by going to the library and telling myself.. ok Rach 5 minutes of focus! I know this sounds super dumb! Honestly though it's been the only way I have made it through so far. I tell myself.. you can do this for 5 minutes.. then take a break. I literally pray non stop and ask God to fill me with positive thoughts! Then I try and remember.. this is just school.. I will do the best I can.. that's all I can do!

I am still late to class everyday!

I am still super ADD and constantly get distracted.

But every day is getting better.

I am getting happier... that's what's important!

That was really good advice by SKY to not compare yourself to others.

It's sooo hard not to. Especially as an ex adderallic.

Just remember that you can only go up from here! There is no point even thinking about the adderall days. .. because you know 100% it won't make it better.

I don't know if your religious.. but whatever you believe in.. just count on that positive energy...

oh and VITAMINS HELP! I have been taking fish oil and I am no doctor.. but I seriously think it has been helping clear the brain fog!

Best wishes!

Im here for you

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Hi Emmapea! You are definitely not alone in any of this! Sounds like there are a few of us who will be struggling with coursework this semester..... It's so difficult. Rach that was great advice! Sometimes I trick myself into working by telling myself I'll do just half an hour but even that seems like too much sometimes. Five minutes sounds even better, hahaha. In any case, slicing it into little spurts helps. Like, 30 minutes at a time with a break. The break should involve a carrot of some type, something you look forward to. I heard of a method called the pomodoro method where you set a timer, work for 25 minutes then take a 5 minute break. For me, work is probably the opposite right now (work 5 minutes, break for 25.)

Also, to-do lists. Every day. Lists that break things into little manageable chunks and aren't too long. There is something really empowering about checking items off adderall-free.

I teach at a university and if you're struggling with your philosophy class, or any other class, remember that your instructors are there to HELP YOU! It's their job and they take it seriously because those jobs are very competitive! They want to help you succeed! I think people often forget this. Go to their office hours; they're human beings. Showing your face counts and they will sit there and go through the readings with you, if you ask them (of course, you need to get through them on your own first....). I sit there for hours with my students doing this and if a student is genuinely trying but struggling, but gets SOMETHING out of the struggle, that counts a lot and I will cut them some slack. I might be nicer than others, but I think generally, making an attempt, improving, and learning something all count. Instructors (usually) know there are lots of learning styles and people come from all different backgrounds; they will generally try to meet you where you are, if you are willing to rise to the challenge. If you're not doing well and it seems like you don't care, or are trying to coast through with as little effort as possible, that looks really bad. If you're not doing well but you're trying, and you're asking them for help, that looks much better. Bring an open-to-learning approach. You can probably also get a tutor or something in any subject.

These are routes that non-adderallics take, and that adderallics sometimes have too much pride, or are too antisocial, to bother with.

Yeah, so I'm in grad school teaching and taking classes, and I wasn't expecting to quit right now, and I am terrified of messing up because if I mess up right now, I mess up my whole career. A lot is riding on this. So, you're not alone in that struggle. I've been very unproductive overall so far but this website says thats normal-- it's so super frustrating though. I feel like I'm wasting time I could be using better...and I COULD be using the time better. I hope that will come? Natural productivity? It's hard to imagine it. It's really hard to motivate to do much of anything more than the bare minimum I have to do to get through right now and I used to be so productive...... But then I re-read my own advice and it helps with that struggle.

Anyway, good for you for doing this and for flushing those pills, you don't need them! Maybe we can all keep exchanging ideas on how to survive academically and adderall-FREE this semester.....

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Rach,

Occasional gave you some good advice when she said talk to your professor. I did exactly that last semester after failing my first sociological theory exam. I met him in his office, told him exactly what was going on, I didn't know how to study again after recently recovering from an addiction to adderall, and I was really concerned. He was very helpful, and eased my worries, and reminded me that I could come talk to him anytime I had any trouble. That's what he was there for (like Occasonial said). I ended up doing just fine in the course, and it felt really good to be proactive in my recovery.

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The only way I can make myself do any studying is by going to the library and telling myself.. ok Rach 5 minutes of focus! I know this sounds super dumb! Honestly though it's been the only way I have made it through so far. I tell myself.. you can do this for 5 minutes.. then take a break. I literally pray non stop and ask God to fill me with positive thoughts! Then I try and remember.. this is just school.. I will do the best I can.. that's all I can do!

I am still late to class everyday!

I am still super ADD and constantly get distracted.

But every day is getting better.

I am getting happier... that's what's important!

That was really good advice by SKY to not compare yourself to others.

It's sooo hard not to. Especially as an ex adderallic.

Just remember that you can only go up from here! There is no point even thinking about the adderall days. .. because you know 100% it won't make it better.

I don't know if your religious.. but whatever you believe in.. just count on that positive energy...

oh and VITAMINS HELP! I have been taking fish oil and I am no doctor.. but I seriously think it has been helping clear the brain fog!

Best wishes!

Im here for you

when i was applying to school and had to write my essays and do this and that I had a tactic that always worked for me. I basically pretended that I was filling out a form like when you buy from a site like Walmart and you have to fill out all this info like your address and email and credit card info. It takes time but it is easy to do.

I would pretend that I was sitting down to buy from Walmart but would have to fill in my credit card info and and answer questions which not hard it's just a pain in the neck.

That got me into the chair and got me started typing on the computer..then I would realize, okay this is not so bad. And I would just keep going.

That tactic has worked so well for me, lol. And honestly i use this tactic all the time. Before long my task would be done. But it would all start with me saying to myself 'u are basically just buying something from Walmart online and have do tedious but mindless stuff'

Also, I definitely do not obsess over getting anything perfect. I just do it and want to get it finished as soon as possible so that its done.

The other thing is I come up with a reward for myself. If I get it done then I can watch an episode of breaking bad as my reward.

Also coffee. I will drink coffee , and then like plow into it. Kind of like what I did with adderall but only with something that isn't poisonous. And I take coffee breaks.

Anyway, so far that's how I've been getting by...tomorrow I have my first class which is rumored to be extremely difficult and I am worried but...what can u do?

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Emmapea, you sound like you have a lot on your mind right now. Not just getting through semester, but getting on to live the life you want to live, and that you have wished for for a long time.

Congratulations on taking that first step towards that goal. You have realized, along with all of us here, that you will only be slowly backing away from your life as long as you continue on adderall. So although you might be grieving your loss of the last little while, you actually should be celebrating! You've begun to take positive steps to recovery. And recovery will lead to success.

If you can, just cling on to the positive in your life right now. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. Sounds like you have people around you who, although you think they have no idea, want to care for you and support you and see you get better. Don't feel guilty - don't feel like you've wasted time, just be glad and grateful that you've had the strength to do something positive. And don't think about whether or not you can do this long term, but just whether you can get through today.

I used to think it was weird counting days off adderall, especially because up until I discovered this forum I thought that the side effects of coming off the drug were supposed to last only 2 weeks. But really, the strength that has come from knowing I could get through 14, 20, 50, 70, 80 days (not quite 90, but that's ok!), has been really cool. It makes going in to tomorrow seam easier.

One day at a time, and try to stop thinking negative thoughts. Just rest, and let your brain heal. It is the same powerful instrument you had before, it just needs a little patching up.

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InRecovery that strategy about pretending it's a form to fill out online is AMAZING! I love it and i'm definitely using it! Maybe we are smarter than we think we are, so by pretending it's something mindless we can overcome the mental roadblocks created by thinking we are not smart enough, or thinking of the task as intellectually demanding.

Today I set my timer for 21 minutes. I had a chapter of reading I told myself I had to get through in that time. And...GO! It was kind of like sprinting, which got my adrenaline going. Actually I kind of feel like I'm taking adderall, it worked that well. But, I've been taking lots of L-Tyrosine lately, and eating really really healthy and had a shot of espresso, and I just told myself that I have it all in me I just need to focus it pill-free. It totally worked! I actually read OVER the 21 minutes to finish the chapter.

And for my work breaks, music videos on YouTube and dance parties! That definitely gets the blood flowing!! :)

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I used to think it was weird counting days off adderall, especially because up until I discovered this forum I thought that the side effects of coming off the drug were supposed to last only 2 weeks. But really, the strength that has come from knowing I could get through 14, 20, 50, 70, 80 days (not quite 90, but that's ok!), has been really cool. It makes going in to tomorrow seam easier.

What's really cool is when you stop counting the days and start counting the months. Am I right, long-timers? That was an exciting milestone for me.

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Yes, Cassie. I still have the day-at-a-time mentality, because that's what works for me, but I was keeping track of days up until a couple of months ago. Feels pretty good!

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