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ashley6

Relationship (or lack thereof)

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Last night was a pretty big test on dealing with my emotions rather than stuffing them and popping a pill like I did for so long. I've been in a relationship (maybe pseudo relationship) on and off with a guy for 2.5 years. I've known the entire time that our futures are different. He's 43, I'm 28. He's never been married, doesn't have plans to be, and wants to travel the world. I want to get married and have kids sometime in the future. Throughout our relationship, every 6 months or so, we'll have these unplanned talks about where things stand with us. Last night was the first conversation I've had with him about our relationship since I've gotten off of adderall. I think I've been avoiding it, because I've worried I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with my own emotions on the issue. Last night it came up, and I was surprised that I was actually able to express myself and how I feel without clamming up and feeling irrelevant like I used to. I keep wondering why I've stuck around for something that is going nowhere. Love isn't enough in this situation, and I even wonder if it's love, or a security blanket, ironically, because there's not much security with him at all. I have so much to offer someone, but I'm so scared of moving on at the same time. Today I dealt with it like a "normal" person, I discussed how I was feeling with him, went to the gym, and cried while listening to sappy songs. I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice on how to move on. I guess it's kind of how I felt when getting off of adderall. What if I'm not strong enough to handle this? A part of me doesn't want to let go. What if life isn't better on the other side? Fear has ruled me for too long, and I truly want to be the strong, independent woman I know I can be, but dammit this is hard. Any advice or thoughts would be lovely.

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haha oye, I'm not gonna give you very good advise here, cuz I don't deal with that stuff super well- as in I don't know any ways of moving on besides time.... it's just time walking away, and the further and further you get away from it the less and less it hurts and affects you.... a relationship that's been going on that long is going to be a big part of you, maybe the only thing to really do is treat it the same way you treat the addiction. though there may be more frequent "relapses" in the beginning... sounds good that you realized that it's a dead end eventually, that you and he don't want the same things... that's healthy. and as soon as you free yourself from him, the sooner you'll be available to someone else who may very well want what you want... lord knows as long as you're somewhat taken you're not available to anyone else...

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I have so much to offer someone

Hell yeah you do, lady!!!

Ashley, my lovely lady, I'd date you if I was bi, gay and/or single!

Seriously though, you're an amazing woman with such humility and smarts and charm and fun. I'm not one to give dating advice much, but after I broke up with my last boyfriend (similar to you, he was much older than me and not interested at all in discussing the future, even though we had been together for 4 years and I'd moved to NYC to be with him), I made a pact to myself just to try "dating" in New York ... this is a uniquely American concept, by the way... and it was so much fun!

I said to myself that I wasn't really looking for anything serious, I just wanted to genuinely get to know people and be interested in their stories... get outside my comfort zone. People are genuinely fascinating if you ask the right questions (... ok, any questions really), and ahem, most people love to talk about themselves if you're even remotely interested in listening (which you're very good at by the way!). Anyway, doing this little social experiment was for me the biggest ego boost in the world... gave me such confidence that all these GUYS would want to date ME?? Nah, really? The little Aussie farm girl in the big city? It was such a huge boost to my confidence, especially after being treated like nothing special from my ex.

Seriously. This dating thing is great. If you think of it just as your chance to get to know the world out there, have some fun, allow yourself to learn more about the world and those strange hairy creatures with deep voices, it can be lots of fun... just don't put any pressure on yourself, and make it all about the stuff you can learn about humanity along the way!

And that, my dear, is ALL the relationship advice you will ever get from me. This is not something I am an expert in. At ALL. I'd be two left feet if you threw me on a date these days...

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Last night was a pretty big test on dealing with my emotions rather than stuffing them and popping a pill like I did for so long. I've been in a relationship (maybe pseudo relationship) on and off with a guy for 2.5 years. I've known the entire time that our futures are different. He's 43, I'm 28. He's never been married, doesn't have plans to be, and wants to travel the world. I want to get married and have kids sometime in the future. Throughout our relationship, every 6 months or so, we'll have these unplanned talks about where things stand with us. Last night was the first conversation I've had with him about our relationship since I've gotten off of adderall. I think I've been avoiding it, because I've worried I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with my own emotions on the issue. Last night it came up, and I was surprised that I was actually able to express myself and how I feel without clamming up and feeling irrelevant like I used to. I keep wondering why I've stuck around for something that is going nowhere. Love isn't enough in this situation, and I even wonder if it's love, or a security blanket, ironically, because there's not much security with him at all. I have so much to offer someone, but I'm so scared of moving on at the same time. Today I dealt with it like a "normal" person, I discussed how I was feeling with him, went to the gym, and cried while listening to sappy songs. I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice on how to move on. I guess it's kind of how I felt when getting off of adderall. What if I'm not strong enough to handle this? A part of me doesn't want to let go. What if life isn't better on the other side? Fear has ruled me for too long, and I truly want to be the strong, independent woman I know I can be, but dammit this is hard. Any advice or thoughts would be lovely.

Yes, if he's that old then..holy shit.

I got in and out of my first relationship after adderall, and the way I get over people is to shut them or any association with them out of my life completely. I block their number, block them on Facebook, and I forget they existed.. I go on with my life and before I know it I forget that they are even alive.

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Compartmentalization is great... until it isn't. I'd be careful of that kind of black and white thinking, it's only led to a bunch of unhappiness and anger and feelings of resentment in my experience.... and when I'm feeling angry and upset the first thing I tend to go to is my old trusty drug/s of choice. Just sayin'. Not sure what others think.

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Thanks for the advice everyone. You definitely make some valid points. I want to do the quote thing, but it just does weird stuff on my phone. So, sky, I think what you're saying makes complete sense. My thinking is much healthier in terms of being honest with myself. It certainly isn't a black and white situation at all. The closing people out of my life and forgetting about them is what I did on adderall. I can't live life like that anymore.

MFA,

I'd definitely fall in love with an Aussie! Who wouldn't?! If I were gay or bi :) Your advice is awesome. I really think this is as perfect a time as any to start meeting new people and learning about them. I do LOVE listening to people. More of a listener than a talker. That's so cool what you experienced moving to NYC! I think that's some of the best advice I could've gotten, so you've still got it! Thank you. Going to do my best to not let myself sulk on it for too long. I don't think I can pull away right away, but I will work on it. I always know I can depend on my fellow quitters :)

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MFA, the comment on compartmentalization just reminded me of how I used to think on adderall. I liked to put everybody in "boxes" when I met them or was trying to figure them out. Now I don't even think like that any more. There are so many ways that adderall re-wired my brain and I am still trying to unscramble it after months and months of recovery.

Ashley, I really do not have anything to offer you for relationship advice. I struggle with the whole relationship thing at all levels. Well, at most levels anyway--me and my dog are pretty tight right now.

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I think the hardest thing is to not compare people.... It's impossible not to do, really.. All you've known recently is your relationship with this guy, and so he's your benchmark. I remember when I first started "dating", I used to compare my date's table manners, vocabulary, musical taste, everything. Then I thought, why the fuck would I do that since my ex was such a selfish person, and also it's not fair to my date to not give him a fair crack of the whip!

Just do it - go on a date or two. If nothing else, it's one of those things they talk about in "happy" the movie... Experiencing new things!

Oh, and I know a few lovely young men in NYC who'd jump at the chance to hang out with an awesome chick like you! Maybe the (in)famous reunion should be at my place in Brooklyn ;-)

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Thanks for the advice everyone. You definitely make some valid points. I want to do the quote thing, but it just does weird stuff on my phone. So, sky, I think what you're saying makes complete sense. My thinking is much healthier in terms of being honest with myself. It certainly isn't a black and white situation at all. The closing people out of my life and forgetting about them is what I did on adderall. I can't live life like that anymore.

MFA,

I'd definitely fall in love with an Aussie! Who wouldn't?! If I were gay or bi :) Your advice is awesome. I really think this is as perfect a time as any to start meeting new people and learning about them. I do LOVE listening to people. More of a listener than a talker. That's so cool what you experienced moving to NYC! I think that's some of the best advice I could've gotten, so you've still got it! Thank you. Going to do my best to not let myself sulk on it for too long. I don't think I can pull away right away, but I will work on it. I always know I can depend on my fellow quitters :)

I guess we can't all be cold bastards like me..

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My dad is already working on setting me up on a date with a guy he knows from Houston when I go visit in a couple weeks. I was debating, but now I'm like why the hell not?! It could be fun, and executive box seats to an NBA game...heck yeah!

I need to watch this "Happy" you're all speaking of.

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yeah watch it, it's one of those movies that sticks with you...

btw Django was great too, but in a completely different way...

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Ashley you really do have so much to offer someone! Its amazing how popping pills enables us to continue moving forward in patterns and relationships that are actually dead ends. Relationships that our real selves would probably spot much sooner as unhealthy, dysfunctional, or just lacking in a future. How we can numb ourselves to the whole thing and isolate ourselves in a numb adderall trance and avoid actually looking at our interpersonal situations.

I have to agree that dating other people sounds like a great idea. Moving on is really hard and it takes time. It takes letting go of that person and all the security (or lack) that they meant to you. Abandoning yourself to the uncertainty and the full range of emotions and the aloneness. I usually let go by focusing on the bad, but maybe that's cold and compartmentalizing of me. But there really is something freeing and amazing too about letting go. Sometimes the deepest happiness can come from the deepest pain. Some of the happiest times in my life have been shortly after fully letting go of a relationship that wasn't working. Usually in those cases its a long time coming and the mourning has long since commenced. But when you let go is when you can focus on YOU, and friends, and go out, date, maybe even find someone new. I will say though, that like when you let go of adderall, there's always the mourning of all the lost time and youth. Take your time, but if you're sure that you need to move on, the longer you wait, the more time and youth and energy you've lost. In my experience, if I know it's not working, then waiting to make sure has only ever led me to regret lost time.

What's interesting too is that article on this website about the push-pull in romantic relationships and how that dynamic changes after you've quit adderall.... does any of that resonate with you? I wonder how that might change the dynamics between you and this guy, especially if he wants his future to be all about traveling and isn't working to include you in that picture..... Sounds like he has commitment issues he needs to get over... I'd be willing to bet he will regret it one day.

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Also, to add to the dating other people thing...... newly off adderall and feeling emotions again, it's FUN!

I'm going through a breakup too. I had been mourning this loss, even on adderall (though I tried to numb myself) for a long time. But in December it officially happened and I guess I was ready for it. It's gonna take time but the worst is behind me because it was over long before it was over. And then.... surprise! I have started seeing someone new--an old friend actually--and it's AMAZING! So much fun! All the newness and freshness, all the positive emotions, being able to FEEL those again, those things I haven't felt in years! And he is a positive, very empowering person who makes me laugh and is great conversationalist, all of which has been helping me SO MUCH in my recovery without even trying. A great support just by being there, but also a great distraction from the crappiness of quitting adderall, the stress and pressure of work and feeling incapable. Dating new people can give you such a confidence boost which is exactly what we need while quitting!

So, come on girl you are officially invited to join me in the moving on club! It's fun and feeling positive emotions is a huge breakthrough after years of deadness from drugs and a dysfunctional relationship. I'm a naturally positive and happy energetic person, but nothing can weigh me down like a bad relationship plus soul numbing drugs. Latley I feel so....alive! It's making me happier than I have been in a really long time.

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Ashley, you are super cool and one hot chick, so I command you to get out there! The best way to get over a guy is to start dating another one, and the advice about doing it without expectation is right on, because we always meet special people when we least expect it. I had a one night stand with a guy I met at a country bar in Canada, and now he's my husband! True story.

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I had a one night stand with a guy I met at a country bar in Canada, and now he's my husband! True story.

LOL! that's great................. !

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I had a one night stand with a guy I met at a country bar in Canada, and now he's my husband! True story.

Go, Cassie!

My friend posted an ad for me on Craigslist (this is before it was full of murderers and rapists I guess... I didn't even know what that was at the time)... and that's how I met my hubby!!

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Cassie, I have a burning question for you.....that new picture beneath your name....is that your brain on drugs?

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Cassie and MFA,

Those are awesome stories of how you met your husbands! One-night stand" and Craigslist. :)

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Today has not been a good day. I have barely gotten out of bed, and I'm so blah! I guess this could be a PAWS day or maybe I'm just sad. Either way, I don't miss these kind of days AT ALL. This too shall pass.

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Cassie, I have a burning question for you.....that new picture beneath your name....is that your brain on drugs?

Haha..yeah, I guess. Should I change it to a fried egg?

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Haha..yeah, I guess. Should I change it to a fried egg?

Well, if you changed it , then it would just be a fried egg on drugs. Currently, it is self-explanitory and I think that's cool. A couple of pot leaves and a syringe amongst all those pills would enhance the variety of drugs.

Ashley, sorry for your shitty day. They happen. And tomorrow will be better.

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Your brain on drugs. I like it - nice pun. (I thought it was candy at first, and I got really excited).

QO - I can't see your pic anymore, what happened?

Ashley - you're allowed a day off from being perfect. Just one, though. Tomorrow you have to be a perfect lover, friend, student, writer, therapist, helper as usual, ok? :rolleyes:

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