SomedayDreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Ok, I knew full well quitting adderall was not going to be all sunshine and rainbows-- no constant upward trajectory welcoming each day as a new dawning on this journey into the light of recovery But today? SHIT!!!! I wish I spoke more languages just so I could have a broader vocabulary of swear words!! I was prepared for feeling anything except how I feel today. My addict mind is relentlessly harsh on me right now saying: "What good is it to try to be human again when my circumstances don't allow me to be human? Maybe the reason I was a machine all those years on addy was because you have to BE a goddam machine to do all this!" Job, more work, finding another job,more work, kids, more work, having to be 3 people at once...fuck! Tweaking on addy and just spending each day going through the motions sucked ass, yes... BUT at least I had no expectation of finding satisfaction in this fundamentally unsatisifying lot in life. It didn't matter on adderall if I was just getting through the day, it was enough to just DO IT. Get through the damn day, take care of the endless demands,, and the rest could just fuck off and leave me the hell alone 'cause they got what they wanted/needed from me! I did my part with no expectation of reward or reciprocity (because there's none to be had)..... so let me take my fuckin' pills and smoke my cigarettes because it's all I've got!!" My resolve is so weak right now... This is exactly why I knew I couldn't keep any addies around, because of times like this when I would just say "If this is all there is then fuck it!" and relapse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 nope. fuck that. what you're feeling is real life baby. there are no magic pills, there's just dealing with it- the good and the bad, the ups and downs. Recogize those thoughts for what they are, pure addiction talking to you like a bird (a dirty street pigeon with one eye and a twisted leg) on your shoulder. you can consciously acknowledge it and say, "fuck off little bird, I got this" and give it a little flick with your finger. see it for what it is, don't empower it, it's the addiction, it will pass. rewrite your reality in a new light when it does. it is much better than that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomedayDreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I know it is the addiction talking... and I will stubbornly endure it with gritted teeth. But right now... nope, it's not much better than that and what I am feeling is not real life it's the horrible realization that I have set myself up for failure by expecting that I as one person could single-handedly do all I have set myself up to do.. it's just impossible to be in two places at once. But you are absolutely right that the solution is not to pop a pill... no doubt about that. But it's really time for me to assess this whole clusterfuck and reach out to find some way to ease it up, call in some reinforcements and spread this load out a bit. My ex, my co-workers,etc. -- there is lots to be delegated and I have to just accept that I am only one person and I've been trying to go it alone for too long, if I don't change that it will lead to a relapse. So it's an eye-opener. *sigh* it's just a fuck day... This too shall pass 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I know how you feel, and good on you for posting about it. I wish I had magic words to comfort you. When I feel like that (which, by the way, still happens often and it's usually how I feel as soon as I wake up), I do these three things: 1) Cup of coffee/5 hour energy/L Tyrosene 2) Stop thinking big picture, just concentrate on the one thing that happens to be in front of me at the time; and 3) Have some kind of minor reward at the end of the day... trip to the starbucks, glass of wine, 1/2 hour alone without the kids etc.... Thinking big picture SUCKS when you're depressed and overwhelmed. I feel your pain, it's the pain of bloody modern living is what it is, compounded by your addiction-induced lack of energy and depression. Bitch all you like, that's what we're here for... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Hey girl - It's incredibly difficult to tolerate the more mundane and stressful aspects of life off stimulants and I'm right there with you -- especially as the messed up dopamine system gets back to normal. On stimulants I could always look forward to popping another pill. The anticipation was as exciting as the 5 minutes of good mood and grandiose thoughts that I was invincible, could get everything I need to do done and write the next great novel. But I didn't... It's as easy for me to get ritalin (illegally) as alcohol so hangin close to this site - for me - is like going to a meeting. Things that help me in the time being are running, being around other people and breaking down tasks to 15 minute increments - talk about baby steps... Also there's an excellent book on the reading list called "Eat That Frog" which I have found useful in dealing with ADD without stimulants. So hang in there - you can do this one minute at a time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Yep, I remember my addiction telling me 'psst...maybe you really do need adderall to function' well into month 7. Just remember that it's your addiction talking, those thoughts will dissipate with time, and you lived x number of years without it, which is far more than you lived with it. I also found InRecovery's technique of writing a list of the negatives of adderall to be helpful during those times. You can't stop those thoughts from happening, but you can read the list when those thoughts strike.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomedayDreamer Posted January 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Thank you all very much for the replies. I do feel bit better today, also yesterday was the first really circumstantially bad day I've had since going off adderall- I mean one of those days were everything goes wrong right from the start of the day. On top of the mundane hassles, the organization I work for has moved up the date they'll be shutting down. I'd been in a job search anyway, but now it seems more urgent if I want to avoid a gap. Then one of my kids got sick, my two youngest were fighting non-stop and the oldest one had a full day of before and afterschool stuff . I have four kids ages 7-12, and I'm all on my own with them except Saturdays. Between them and work, it's just.... hard. Lea: That book is on my reading list now, thanks-- and you're so right about those feelings of looking forward to taking the next pill when all else in the day seemed like a pile of caca. For years I still looked forward to it even when I KNEW I wouldn't catch any good feeling on adderall anymore. MFA: 5-hour energy my go-to. It does help. BTW, that blog Dumb Little Man is awesome. I found so many incredibly useful nuggets, exactly the stuff I need to incorporate in my daily life! It was just a rough day. Going through it for the first time without the adderall wiring was hard, but I made it (if only because I have no pills and no access to any, but still). I'm sure there will be plenty more days like that, life is all practice 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Eat that frog is an awesome awesome book. ..everyone check it out. i read the whole thing in one sitting. Kudos lea to cutting off your doctor supply. Looks like you ATE the biggest ugliest frog you may ever see (everyone, this is a reference to the book) I bought the eat that frog app which had an actual frog and everything... Edit - I really think I need to read that book again. Then statistics.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 There's an app ?!?! awesome! Stats is a pretty nasty frog - been there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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