Greg

Breaking Bad Vs. Homework?????

42 posts in this topic

Good for you, InRecovery. Remember it was just a few days ago you were really worried about meeting all those people? Now you're hanging out and drinking beers. Remembering these kinds of transitions will help you realize that if you break up your whole experience in to bite size chunks, it makes it a bit less insurmountable.

Very proud of you today! You've nearly gotten through your first week.

Oh, and in terms of training your brain, imagine all the amazing new synapses you're building by doing all this studying. When I was faced with the hardest mental challenges of my life, (without adderall), I just knew my brain was a more powerful instrument. It's a great feeling.

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Yeah I wonder that too, if someone is really super attentive in class I look at them and try to see if I can tell if they are on adderall!

My best friend from college lives in Michigan now, and he just took took two classes at his local college because he's thinking of changing careers. He said he was talking to all these young kids in his class (we're 32), and almost all of them casually mentioned taking Adderall to study, or debated where they could buy some to cram for their next test. When we were talking the other day, he said, "I don't remember anyone in college ever talking about Adderall, do you?" I said, "Nope. I never even heard of it until I was 25 and a coworker gave me one." I guess he told some of these kids to be careful, that he has a friend that had a major problem with Adderall, and they just laughed it off. Probably thought he was some old fart.

Anyhoo, I think the way you feel studying off Adderall is the way I feel about working at a job, because that's what I used it for. I'm still getting used to it in some ways after 13 months. I'd be really nervous to start a new job right now, even though I desperately want to change jobs. Just think, the more you study and take tests the more you'll get used to it. The repetition will build confidence. You can't come to Vegas unless you meet your GPA, just remember that!

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It gets easier to spot the tweakers in the world when you aren't usning. I wrongly thought there a lot more of them while I was taking adderall - like some kind of "everybody's doing it" justification.

Doing those things you took adderall for in the beginning- after quitting - is a challenge. I used it as a tool for about seven years, always taking a 3-4 day break in between binges. Most of my binges were spent taking care of my mom and her house (in another state) on the weekends. After she died I was simply using it for maintenance until I could find the right time to quit. I knew there would never be another situation like that again in my life. So, in some respects, quitting was easier because it corresponded with a permanant change in my life and lifestyle. My reasons for taking adderall (and smoking) went away with the death of my mother.

Yesterday was a PAWS day for me. I just couldn't focus on things, or get anything done. I craved food all day and fell asleep early in the evening. I was not depressed (thanks to L-tyrosine) but I just could not get it together for anything. Today I will go to yoga practice and hope for a better day.

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I hope you all dont one day get a post from me saying...look ive decided to drop out of school to focus On my recovery.

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You know your limits, so don't be so hard on yourself. Dude, this just keeps it in perspective how serious recovery really is even down the road. If that's what you had to do, it wouldn't make you a failure, it would just show how dedicated you are to your recovery. Some people may beg to differ, but this is how I see it. If we're our crazy adderall selves, we will never be successful in life. Period.

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I hope you all dont one day get a post from me saying...look ive decided to drop out of school to focus On my recovery.

I would not think anything less of you if you did that. For whatever reasons. You seem to have your priorities in the right order with priority #1 being a stimulant free lifestyle.

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Not to put the pressure on but you are an inspiration to thousands of people of people on this site. You're the definition of what happens when you believe in yourself and your ability to move on from being a fuck-up to a functioning, capable and admirable human being.

You ARE a success story. And you continue to be so.

None of this "quitting" nonsense. The only thing you quit was adderall and now look at the success you are! Never. Give. Up.

Remember, one step at a time, one page at a time, one lecture at a time, one friendship at a time. You're going to be ok. I promise.

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InRecovery, I know you have your own long list of negatives with adderall... but I'm curious, didn't you ever find it impeded you academically?? It always bemused me those who thought it helped them cram. I'm just recalling a couple years ago in my last attempt at grad school, (for a paltry one semester) adderall was totally getting in the way and messing me up. I'd overthink until I couldn't think or get deeply engrossed in some unrelated tangent. My mind just wasn't grasping and holding onto content like it did without addie. IDK, addie helped me with boring, mindless tedium but on complex tasks it was like a hindrance. Not so for you?

I once worked on one lit review for 16 hours straight... I thought I cranked out 25 amazing pages... dude, it sucked donkey! The secondary research was solid, but it was really just overwrought mind-dump crap.

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Somedaydreamer,

You make an excellent point. I quit going to classes and didn't graduate because I was so messed up on adderall. I sat and my apartment and popped pills, but was too paranoid for anything much more than that. I think we're giving adderall credit where credit is not due. I'm curious to hear your perspective on the points somedaydreamer made.

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In college I was in my serious honeymoon with Ritalin. I took it as prescribed and genuinely believed I had ADHD. Academically, wow for me. And just all aspects of my life. There was a difference. But you know by the time I graduated I remember walking around the graduation tent asking people if they had Ritalin and they were like are u addicted? The problem had begun! It didn't take long at all to get addicted. Within a couple prescriptions I was cheating and taking an extra 10 mg and already running out early. Not three weeks early but a couple days.

I held on to that success I had with Ritalin in the years after college and as I got more addicted my mind deteriorated. But to justify Ritalin or then adderall I held on to the honeymoon of Ritalin, and continued to believe it "helped me.

Edit - But yes, my mind deteriorated because of Ritalin. when you hearing voices in your head it gets in the way of the words in the books you are trying to absorb. And I was scribbling nonsense. Half formed incoherent thoughts. So that honeymoon led to fragmented schizophrenic thinking. But I thought I was brilliant the whole time.

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I'm just recalling a couple years ago in my last attempt at grad school, (for a paltry one semester) adderall was totally getting in the way and messing me up. I'd overthink until I couldn't think or get deeply engrossed in some unrelated tangent.

I'm really glad you said this because apart from a few short months at the beginning, adderall didn't do anything for me academically either. I would get really stressed because I would think if I had to do a paper I would have to read 4, 5, 6 entire text books and absorb every word in order to be able to digest and churn out a brilliant piece of work. It just confused the heck out of me. I remember once I was doing a proposal for a client and I had the brief in front of me on an email, and I was so focused on getting it perfect that I highlighted each noun and verb of the spec in a different color highlighter pen, somehow thinking in my adderalled brain that this would help me summarize and deduce my proposal.

I did all nighters and then bring in my work the next day and not be able to explain it at all to those around me... just pages and pages of drivel. And I had thought at the time it was such brilliance! Ugh.

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In college I was in my serious honeymoon with Ritalin. I took it as prescribed and genuinely believed I had ADHD. Academically, wow for me. There was a difference. But you know by the time I graduated I remember walking around the graduation tent asking people if they had Ritalin and they were like are u addicted? The problem had begun!

I held on to that success I had with Ritalin in the years after college and as I got more addicted my mind deteriorated. But to justify Ritalin or then adderall I held on to the honeymoon of Ritalin, and continued to believe it "helped me.

I do totally get that and it was very similar for me 'cause my FINAL semester in undergrad (I was a late bloomer, okay?LOL) was in the early honeymoon with addy and I did rock on it... fast forward to grad when I was a few years on addy already and it just made me feel fried. I regret it so much now.. I fucked up a great fellowship opportunity over that :( Now, one of my recovery goals is to go back "someday" haha.. and make good.

Hang in there.. you CAN SO DO this, man!

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Look at it this way -- you are years ahead of the game when you look around and see other people on stims. They are always going to be there. And sure they appear to work for some, especially during the honeymoon phase ... but honestly you don't know what's goin' on behind closed doors.

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Don't drop out friend, don't drop out, just ride it out. They pack the pressure on extra hardcore your first year, they're just trying to scare you. Don't be intimidated, you have all the power you need. Just think of how hard you worked to get where you are today! Give it a try! Also.....I've gotta agree with everyone about how much adderall messes with your work when you're hooked and you don't even realize it.....

InRecovery you have put so much great advice out there on this site! I use your online form strategy EVERY DAY. I totally relate to what you said about wandering around the library. Good for you for going to the freaking library, I should follow your example. I wander around my apartment and the internet which is even worse. You are a badass and an inspiration!

OMG......homework.......or bedtime? Beer thirty? GAHH!!!! Symbolic logic is just like an online form, right?

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