ldmcniel

I want my soul back!!

38 posts in this topic

Day 2 totally sucks. Day 3 might be just as bad. Foggy, exhausted, painful, slow hell. Just slack as much as possible. Call in sick or go home early (people will probably think you are legitimately fatigued/sick anyway) if possible. The first week is hell but the fog WILL lift. Just hold out and read this site. I read all of Mike's articles the first week and then re-read my favorite ones... They reminded me why I was doing this. Also reading these boards helped, just knowing that other people are struggling through the same thing.

You can do it!

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You just do sugar,you really do get through it. The emotions are pure and they are raw...and right now everything in you is desperately trying to "synch" without its fuel as of late,adderall. The dopamine is all mixed up...these things need to get used to firing up without the speed. Day two is often more real...I think...day one I ran on residual adderall in me...a little adrenaline...and the challenge of getting my life back...day 2...NONE OF THAT. the grieving process in me started hard. This is it...this is life without my right arm huh????? Bullshit. I hate it. But is kickin it in a jail cell or even a casket gonna be any better???? That's where adderall had led me. And really to get a quality life could I put a little effort in or just be pissed off and Whiney that I couldn't have my adderall anymore...the shit that showed me how bad life would get if I kept fucking with.it. I was very twisted about my relationship ending with this shit. It gets easier...it gets less overwhelming and you become more accepting of the pros of quitting vs the addict cons. It is a hard road,the beginning of the quit,you are lonely in a crowd of 1000... but you have this site and God damn it,use it!!!! I say that with no disrespect...I say it because it is so critical to talk amongst your own with this drug. People here,have gotten through where you are,they are at the points that we are not yet...and everything in between. We have gotten through the start of the quit...you can too and go on to help others that are on day one...its empowering to share that experience strength and hope ....you gotta give it away to keep it. Go easy on yourself....try to think of it as a healing time...you can push if ya want to a little later. Keep going ....I can,I can,I will, will!!!! Keep posting! :)

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ld,

You get through by counting the hours until you don't have to get through and you can go home to bed. I think what Cassie and everyone has told you is right; you need to lower your expectations of yourself, at least at work for a few weeks. Can you arrange it so you can make up some excuse as to why you need to do the minimal amount of work possible?

I know it sounds like a big ask but if you can do it, you will be grateful for the rest and allowing yourself to at least feel somewhat human in 2 or 3 weeks...

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I have made it through day 2. I am actually seeing a little clearer now. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but it is looking a little less scary.I am so thankful for all of the posts and encouragement. I know that I am not alone.

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I have made it through day 2.

WHOOO HOOOO! YOU DID IT!

Now all you need to do is sleep, and get through tomorrow. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO!

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Think of it like this too.... as long as you stay quit, you'll never have to go through another Day 2 of withdrawal again (or a Day 3,4,5,... you get the point). I can't say it all becomes great once the acute withdrawal is over (read: PAWS). But the worst of the physical crap (aches, debilitating tiredness, yawning/tearing) it WILL get better :) And maybe in a couple days/weeks, just out of the blue you'll have a day or part of a day that you feel just AMAZING... enjoy that feeling when it comes, it might not stick around long, but it will come back again another day-- as a corollary, the horrible days/times will pass too.

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I am not sure if this is the calm before the storm but today was actually GREAT!! I was told by someone that I was "awfully giggly today". I take that as a complete compliment. Before Adderall, everyone always thought I was on drugs because of my goofiness, humor and free spirit. I went on Adderall for the wrong reasons. I was trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I actually realized I LIKED the REAL me. To everyone who couldn't and can't handle that, I really would like to tell them to go fuck themselves!!! (Yes, good moods bring out the "F" bombs in me :) ) My husband fell in love with the "real" me. My children, my husband, and most of all myself is who I am living for. Don't worry, I still realized I have a LONG road ahead of me and that I will spend the my life "in recovery,", but for now, I am enjoying life, day by day.

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Wow how your mood can change so quickly during withdrawal. Today I felt depresses, the alone (even though I am not) then some happiness ( not like yesterday) now concussion, fatigued, feeling like I just want to scream at the world ( or at least punch someone who probably deserves it). I don't feel like doing shit except crawling up in a ball. I also just want to keep saying fuck fuck fuckity fuck! (F bombs come out during depression too...well hell I am known as an F bomb queen). Okay! Thank you all for letting me vent! Now back to reality and try and make it through this night of hell!!!!

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Wow how your mood can change so quickly during withdrawal. Today I felt depresses, the alone (even though I am not) then some happiness ( not like yesterday) now concussion, fatigued, feeling like I just want to scream at the world ( or at least punch someone who probably deserves it). I don't feel like doing shit except crawling up in a ball. I also just want to keep saying fuck fuck fuckity fuck! (F bombs come out during depression too...well hell I am known as an F bomb queen). Okay! Thank you all for letting me vent! Now back to reality and try and make it through this night of hell!!!!

I really like your honesty, LD. Keep it coming. And yes that feels like withdrawal to me. Read up on PAWS, if you can. It doesn't make the symptoms go away but it does make it feel somehow like you're not going crazy forever. Hang in there, and congrats on another day without fucking adderall.

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Congrats on getting through Day 4, ld. Do you have a calendar where you can mark off each day? For some reason marking the days with a big red X feels really satisfying for me, especially on the shitty ones.

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I actually realized I LIKED the REAL me. To everyone who couldn't and can't handle that, I really would like to tell them to go fuck themselves!!!

Don't worry, I still realized I have a LONG road ahead of me and that I will spend the my life "in recovery,", but for now, I am enjoying life, day by day.

Couple things i wanna respond to, Cat:

I really like your attitude and self-acceptance.

It is good that you realize there is a LONG road ahead to the complete recovery of the REAL you. Everybody's recovery is different, and I don't believe that you will spend your life in recovery. At some point in the next year or so, you will begin to feel mostly recovered on most days. You have to acknowledge your addiction(s) and always be mindful they will always tempt you, and never give in to the temptations. But I can attest that I felt mostly recovered on most days after a year of abstinence from adderall. And it just keeps getting better and better with more time away from that awful drug. I think AA's once an alcoholic always an alcoholic dogma is perfectly appropriate - for alcohol addiction. But I am not going to self-label me as an adderall addict for all time; therefore I will simply acknowledge my addiction by never touching the drug. And put the adderall addiction phase of my life behind me.

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Day 5 (I think?) The days seem to be running together. Today just a sense of numbness. Also, I feel like I am missing something or lost. I am sure it's a craving trying to come through. I think I pushed my energy level to the limit. I was trying to be Shera at work by carrying heavy boxes of old x-rays up and down a ladder. Every part of me is exhausted. At least this also means that I feel to damn lazy to even try and attempt to go get an Adderall script filled let alone take one. The best thing for me was to go cold turkey and not leave ANY for me to have for back up. Okay...too tired to write anymore. Thank you everyone and best of luck. I know you've all been here.

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Day 6 going on 7..... 7 painful days, 6 hurting nights.... but!!!!!! 7 days of NOT posioning my brain...... 6 nights of actually going to bed with the rest of the living. So tempted so many times, resisted many cravings and urges. Fought through the pain, depression, mania, anger, and my inner self is emerging!!! This will be the first weekend in 2 years that I have been Adderall Free!!!!!!!!!!!!! I made it through a work week so a weekend should be a piece of cake right?? Probably not. Trying to make it through routines of things I did on Adderall, trying to find ways to cope without it. I hate those orange demons, but yet I had a love affair with them. It is like a really disfunctional relationship. You can't keep living with them, but can't comprehend a life without. I despise everything that you stand for. You are nothing more then pure hell bundled up into one little orange pill. I can't believe how one little disgusting but sweet tasting pill could ruin your life so much. That's all it took. ONE FUCKING ORANGE DEMON!!!!!!!!!. I will keep fighting you. You are stronge, but I AM stronger. All I have left to say to you Adderall is FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE, LEAVE MY BODY AND MOST OF ALL LEAVE MY SOUL!!!!!!!. You will never take ahold of me again and I will fight with everything I have to make sure you will NEVER get near my children. It's so sad that most don't even think you are harmful or addictive, but I know better. The people in this community know it. I hope and pray that someday, the rest of humanity will see it too.

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