mkatiara

Sold my soul to adderall and then I lost it all...

55 posts in this topic

Alepfief, welcome to the forum. 33 days clean, that's fantastic. You should be proud of that. Your other quits and relapses don't count, it's the one you're on today that does.

Everyone on here should know that even if you feel really lonely "in the real world", there are bunches of people here who know what you're going through and are here to support you... if you are committed to quitting.

Try to look through the forums here, read people's stories (there are some pretty remarkable ones), write down the highs and the lows, and come here often. We know what you're going through. You're going to be ok, just take it one day at a time.

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thank you all! feeling a bit more encouraged today. already am taking a lot lower of a dose than i have been in quite some time. so i know it's only a small step, but ill take what i can get for now.

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Hey girl. I can relate so much with you and your story. I have been heavily abusing adderall for over a year, but i flushed the 80 pills i had left 5 days ago. I had tried to quit countless times before that, but each time i tried i still had a stash of pills waiting for me whenever i needed. That was the problem. Most of us can't quit with the pills readily available when we decide it gets too much.

Now, i would be lying if i said that i don't want a pill right now. Of course it gets to be overwhelming when you pull that crutch out right from underneath you, but what else can we do?

We either want to quit and are willing to do whatever it takes, or we just stay in adderall world ...envisioning what life sober could be like. You seem like a really strong lady, and i think you do have what it takes to flush your pills and prove to yourself that you are capable of success without pills.

Plus, you have everyone on this site that is willing to help push you forward ad give you advice on how to be okay sober.

I know how scary it is. Believe me, i really do. I am still scared. But i am only on day 5. It can only get better from here, slowly but surely.

I have faith in you, just have a little faith in yourself.

xx

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Thank you for your help! Just an update for you guys, I had a rough last few days. I hadn't 100% made up my mind about what I was going to do about the adderall. I started keeping a journal that records the amount of mg i take per day. Then I mark it up with a green dot if I'm feeling good and not abusing, yellow if I'm on the road to abuse, and red if I'm in the danger zone. All of the dots have been red so far. It's now 11 in the morning, and when I woke up I forced myself to take just one long acting. I'm at such a high dose I don't want to quit cold turkey, but I am FORCING myself to stop this. Last night I had a migraine on the right side of my face, and it felt like someone was putting pressure on it. I am concerned that this abuse could be affecting me neurologically at this point. I am also experiencing a lot of short term memory loss. I'll put my keys down somewhere, then have no idea where I put them. I was at an NBA basketball game last night, and instead of enjoying it, I was dizzy, confused, sick, irritable, and feeling like downright crap. But today is a new day, and I'm making a step in the right direction. I love to hear your guys' stories so that I know that it really isn't just in your head... adderall really is that dangerous.

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How can you be "making a step in the right direction" if you have already started your day by taking an adderall? It will just be another red-dot day for you, no matter how hard you try not to take it, because it is an addiction out of control. If you "don't want to quit cold turkey" (your words) then you don't want to quit at this point in your life. Get off the fence, buck up and just fucking quit. Are you scared?

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Mktiara,

Unfortunately you've crossed the line to abuse, and you can expect to see red dots every day until you quit. We are powerless to this addiction. I was taking a lot of adderall when I quit, but quitting cold turkey was the only option for me. Once the line is crossed into addiction, adderall becomes in control, no longer us, no matter how badly we want to be. Your post about migraines and going to an NBA game and not enjoying it reminded of me right before I quit. I went to an Elton John concert one of the last days that I was using, and I was so worried about passing out and feeling anxious that I couldn't fully enjoy it. I used to get those terrible migraines where nothing would help, besides sleep, but I couldn't sleep because I was so amped up. I haven't had a single migraine like that since I quit. Have you reached a point where you just feel the cons are outweighing the pros? You're going to have reservations about quitting until you actually quit, but I think right now is the best possible time while at this moment you're realizing how this shit is keeping you from truly living. It's worth it! You're worth it.

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If you want to give up, give up. Make a plan, and give up. I don't know anyone on this site who has given up forever by stepping down. You are at a fork in the road every day, and every day you fail.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you're just wasting your time by keeping a little color coded calendar.

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I started keeping a journal that records the amount of mg i take per day. Then I mark it up with a green dot if I'm feeling good and not abusing, yellow if I'm on the road to abuse, and red if I'm in the danger zone. All of the dots have been red so far.

I did that too for months -- I'm a compulsive charter, tracker and over-analyzer of everything. I ended up quitting cold turkey after taking from 80 - 120 mg ritalin a day, double that if pulling an all-nighter - a regular occurrence for no other reason than compulsive chasing of a high. I wish I could give you some tough-love but I'm really not qualified having been clean for barely a month. I do appreciate that - trust me! I never want to go thru quitting again but even moreso I never want revisit the hell that made me completely helpless, hopeless and out-of-control. Keep reading and you will find the strength to quit. My observation is that everyone has to come to their own point of no return.

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Your usage is actually a high enough dose from your description....to cause you to think that every thing that seems "severe" is "permanent " damage...from experience as an addict that shocked and floored many a physicians at my tolerence for that drug. Very trained indivuals in every area of adderall abuse have shaken their heads and said..." my God...you shouldn't be here..you know that right"...and none of the psychosis or shit that adderall leads us to believe...Really remains when the drug is stopped. Of course the addict believes tapering of is possible....ITS NOT! I said that everyday for two years....but the last time I quit...and even this time,I could imagine my life without adderall..I knew withdrawal was gonna be a total bitch...and then some. But I was at the point of accepting life without it. A trick I used to combat the addict thinking about quitting ....I said "if adderall was a loaded gun that was gonna go off (literally) square between my eyes if I swallowed one pill....would I still take it???? No. If some one said don't take adderall and everyday you don't we will give you a thousand dollars....would I take it...No. so then how do your fuckin bullshit excuses hold any water Heather.....they don't. They are reasons to use. I mean no disrespect girl...but when push comes to shuv ,you are still buying adderalls bullshit...hook,line and sinker.

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I have to agree with the others. I used to do the journal thing too (minus the color coding). I would write how many mgs of Vyvanse I took that day, along with how many drinks I had because I would drink at night to come down. If I was in danger of running out of pills, I would leave handwritten notes to myself to not take any over the weekend, or only take X amount for X number of days. I was always threatening myself in writing, and in vain. I would write things like "DON'T TAKE TILL MONDAY" on a post it and stick it to my prescription bottle, stuff the prescription bottle in a sock and stuff the sock in a winter boot. Well, the next day I would just go get the boot. I never obeyed myself. This pathetic charade will continue until you quit cold turkey, and when you are sober for a while you will look back at your amphetamine logic and realize how ludicrous it was.

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well, i didn't necessary want to quit cold turkey because I read that it's really bad for you. I went from taking 10 pills yesterday, to 2 today. so i know it's not a perfect situation yet, but this is the first time in my 3 years of taking adderall that i even admitted there was a problem, so i am trying.

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i already feel more clear headed with 2 than i did with 10.... i still feel physically awful, but i can at least somewhat think without my brain being in a fog. i know how dangerous this drug is, and so of course my ultimate goal is to stop using it alltogether.

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well, i didn't necessary want to quit cold turkey because I read that it's really bad for you. I went from taking 10 pills yesterday, to 2 today. so i know it's not a perfect situation yet, but this is the first time in my 3 years of taking adderall that i even admitted there was a problem, so i am trying.

The reason "they" say it is bad for you is because you will wilt when you don't take it. But you will also wilt when you go from ten to two pills in a day, and this "stepping down" bullshit just prolongs your pain and agony. Remember, all the medical literature is created for people taking adderall at at the "prescribed dosages". You have a serious addiction to this drug and the addiction simply won't let you continue taking one or two pills a day. When somebody gets checked into a mental hospital with amphetamine-induced psychosis, do you think they continue giving the patient adderall? I wish you the best of luck with your attempts to quit.

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also, this was posted on this site:

http://quittingadder...ff-of-adderall/

so i thought id be ok to use that as my guidebook..not a good idea?

I just read that article and many of the comments. I don't think I saw even ONE comment from somebody who successfully weaned off adderall. Just a lot of wanna weens because they didn't want to quit cold turkey. If you want to try weaning, go ahead and try it, but what will be your self-imposed penalty if you cannot step down, or if you step back up? Do you have the willpower to enforce your own rules? If you just quit completely and suddenly, the recovery and healing process can begin a lot sooner, like NOW.

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All I needed to know was that I wouldn't die from withdrawal. ..only two things that can kill you detoxing off of w/ out medical supervision....booze and benzos. Not coke ...not heroin...not adderall. Even when I went to rehab for a month and everyone was hitting the detox unit before geting to a house.....NOT ME....NO DETOX FOR ADDERALL. GET IN THE VAN ..AND BE UP AT 5:00 AM FOR YOUR CHORE AND TO HAVE DISCUSSION GATHERING...5 MIN SHOWER AND GO TO GROUP FOR THE DAY. THIS WAS WHAT I HAD TO DO FOR QUIT ONE...I USED THE DAY BEFORE I WENT....I WAS HATING LIFE THERE...I COULDA LEFT...BUT I WANTED IT. I WAS SOOO .TIRED. I think we all have different circumstances but when its time....the reasons to use really don't exsist.anymore..you surrender ...accept defeat..and get your life back.

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i will update you guys on my progress. so far i've managed to lower my dose from 8-10 pills to 2 per day. my dose before that was 4. 2 days consistent, and feeling a LOT better. still have a long way to go before i can call myself successful though!

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It's easy to go down in dosage feel better and then to slide right back up in an instant, just the minute you have a bad day...or stressful moment or any kind of trigger..

you can take the plunge, you have the courage or you wouldn't be here making an effort. believe in yourself and you'll be clean before you know it...

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Fast forward to today. Took two just like I had been. Feeling more tired today than I have been in awhile. Skipped my second class because I was so exhausted. I am confused, because it seems like that dosage was more than enough for the last couple of days. Why is this? Does anyone know why this is happening? Thanks for the encouragement, all.

-Alli

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Sounds like you're going in to a bit of withdrawal. Who knows what's going on in that brain of yours. All I know is that you will never really get over your addiction until you stop taking adderall altogether. I feel bad for you because you're almost drawing out the pain of recovery to much longer than it needs to be.

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Sounds like you're going in to a bit of withdrawal. Who knows what's going on in that brain of yours. All I know is that you will never really get over your addiction until you stop taking adderall altogether. I feel bad for you because you're almost drawing out the pain of recovery to much longer than it needs to be.

iagree.gif

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yeah:( well im a college student taking 18 credits, so it's kind of hard for me to just stop taking them altogether. I am on financial ad and cannot take a semester off, or I will lose my scholarship. Very tricky :( hate this medication :angry:

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The harsh reality is there's no good time to quit. When you're not taking 18 credits, you have a summer job. And then you're working full time and can't afford to take time off otherwise you can't pay the bills. And maybe then you have kids, and you can't just take a break from kids. Unless you go to rehab, you will have to keep some of your commitments and obligations while quitting.

Read through the stories here and you'll be inspired by what others have managed to do. Quitting while attending school or working full time, balancing family and kids, and more. It can be done.

If you decide to do it, this site will be here to support you.

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