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About Zoka

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  1. Hey everyone. I quit 3 months ago - to the day. I am not questioning whether or not to start again although some days the thought "a pill would get me through" is there, but that's just not an option for me. I am, however, questioning the direction of my life. I thought I knew what I was doing but now I have no idea if I am where I am because of 4 years on Adderall. I wonder if every direction I turned, every choice I made, everything I wanted to do with my life, was just the direction of who I thought I was. 1 month after I quit, I went on a school trip to a foreign country, came back and left my 8 year relationship, just as the next semester started. Now I'm back living with my father at the age of 31, no job, no money, and no motivation to do anything yet I'm bored out of my mind. I'm not completing any of my school assignments. I can't. Every time I sit down to study then 30 seconds later I stand up to go do something else and I feel like I'm not even in control of that choice. I have no idea if I even want to go to school anymore. I'm in constant contact with my professors, they know what is going on, but I'm tired of letting them down. I'm tired of letting myself down. And the worst part is I have NO idea if this is how I am really feeling or if it's just all apart of coming off this awful drug. I guess I am just looking to hear other peoples experiences at this point in their recovery.

    I've been wondering what the infamous "30 day challenge" was all about! Well, I just completed day 12 and I'll check back tomorrow. You guys all rock.
  3. Help the CRASH someone

    How's it going bryan? These guys have the right idea. Tomorrow will be a full week for me pill free. The first 3 days I didn't do anything but lay in bed, take naps, and watch movies. Then it actually got better - so just hang in there.
  4. Hi everyone. Today marks my full 5th day off Adderall. One thing I'm curious about is every evening I start getting hot flashes/chills which lasts pretty much through the night. I was just curious if anyone has experienced this?
  5. I will definitely be around here! I have found great motivation from this place and everyone here and I know I will continue to need it. I've had a long history of drug use and I've learned there isn't much that can beat this kind of support. I think the mentality you describe is a big part of what kept me from quitting before. I think Adderall and I reached our limit together. I honestly was ready to take F's and pay back financial aid for the classes and whatever else it took to be done now. That was also probably the anxiety/panic attack I was having and I am super glad that's not what I ended up having to deal with!! :-) I am very lucky. I probably couldn't do this otherwise. I will probably be kind to myself and only take one class next semester while I finish these other classes. BEHERENOW, I will definitely stay close to my professors - I've always been that student anyway. They make school a little easier :-) It's really encouraging to hear that your GPA came up. I'm terrified about how I will be able to do anything... take notes in class, research anything, study for exams, write a paper.. or even make breakfast. I literally feel like I am going to suck at everything. I leave in one month from today for my study abroad trip in Belize for 2 weeks. I am also terrified for that. Three days canoeing sounds exhausting. Hiking through rain forests sounds exhausting. It really all sounds amazing but I don't know if I'm fooling myself. I am excited but I am also really scared because I have no idea how I'm going to feel. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm not sure who else I would tell.
  6. I couldn't shake the need to be done asap. The pills were really hindering my ability to concentrate and get anything done and I was equally (if not more) useless without them. I am really close to my professors so I decided to just talk to them. I met with one yesterday, she is going to give me an incomplete for now and she will revisit the exams and projects with me starting next semester (February). I am going to talk to my other professor today and I'm sure it will be the same. Yesterday was the first day I didn't take anything and it felt good. While I had to take a few naps - I was just overall in a good mood. I'm fortunate that my partner and I have a business which he doesn't need me for. He wants me to just "lay around with the cats for a few weeks." Thank you for your responses.
  7. Hey everyone, I have 12 days left in this semester of school at which point I'm scheduled to quit (my choice). I have let so much pile up as far as homework, projects, studying, and exams because I have lost my ability to concentrate and I'm depressed. Plus my house is a disaster. Everything in my life right now is beyond disorganized. I want to flush all of my pills down the toilet right now but I'm pretty sure I would wake up in the morning feeling like that was a big mistake and then have to drop my classes. But I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel like I've reached a point where I'm deadlocked - I can't function with the pills and I can't function without them. I can't tell if I'm just freaking out. I'm looking for any advice. Has anyone quit during semester or extremely heavy workload? What should I do??
  8. Today is the day I seek your help.

    BEHERENOW: Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and advice. I was having second thoughts leaving the doctor that day about whether or not to bring pills on my trip. That tricky voice was at it again... it can be so convincing. You quickly reminded me of the right thing and I heard your message loud and clear. Thank you. quit-once: It's amazing to me how little these side effects are understood or cared for in the medical community. The first appointment my heart was "all over the place" I told myself "That's it, I'm not screwing around" and asked her immediately "Is it because of the Adderall?" .... She wasn't even my prescribing doctor and said... "Uhmm. I'm not sure." Several heart tests later I finally get into the office of a cardiologist and he says "Yes." Why should it go that far??? This amazes me. How very kind of you to check in on me. I am doing ... okay. I was finally able to get my last prescription filled today. They have been having trouble getting the pills in. I just had her fill it with what they had left (45) even though the script was for (60) which I would have never done before - so I count that as a small win. I knew I wasn't going to need 60. I don't even need 45. I will have to destroy whatever is left, which will be really hard, but also maybe powerful. I should probably map out how I'm going to taper for the next 16 days. I hope that's enough time to soften the blow a little bit. That will give me 3 weeks until I leave. I'm hoping most the physical withdrawal will be gone by then. Am I being unrealistic? The most I was ever taking in a day was 60 mg and I am at the point where I can get by perfectly fine on 20. I understand the psychological aspect is going to take a long time. I have depended on Adderall for everything for the last handful of years. As I project into the future - I feel like I wont be able to do anything. I have no idea how much my life is going to change and I am very fearful of that. I have no idea how much who I have become will change because I don't know how much of who I am today was created by Adderall. I've only been on it for four years but I have had a lot of personal growth in that amount of time. What I do know is that I am ready to feel reality.
  9. I am ready to quit. I am excited to quit. I am scared to quit. I feel very alone in this process. I have been prescribed Adderall for two years but have been taking it regularly for almost four. I have been a "functioning" and at times a "non-functioning" drug addict since I was a teenager and I am now 30. The drug has changed but the addiction remains. Looking back, my drug of choice was seemingly dependent on what was socially acceptable at the time. It seems as though each addiction was slowly replaced with another. Perhaps, this way I could convince myself I had been successful. I have slowly recognized and accepted that this has been my reality and I'm sick of it. I have been going to the doctor for well over a year for a myriad of mystery symptoms. Deep down inside I thought it was the Adderall but the addict in me was searching for ANY other reason. ANY other answer than to quit. That is, until the cardiologist asked me to stop taking Adderall. I figured that's what he'd say, most of me even hoped that's what he'd say. After several tests, he told me my heart looked amazingly healthy but it's working overtime (tachycardia) and we would eventually see damage from that. He asked me to call my prescribing doctor and begin to taper off the medication. I felt relieved. I felt terrified. I wanted to smile. I wanted to cry. I thought about the weight that will finally be lifted. I thought about how hard this is going to be. I made an appointment with my prescribing doctor and anxiously waited for 5 days to get this quitting process started. ---- I am studying abroad for 2 weeks in January where I will be required to be very active daily. I considered canceling the trip. I considered quitting after the trip. Ultimately I decided that I do not want this amazing experience to be a part of my 4 year Adderall fog. ---- So, I planned to tell this doctor that I wanted to be off completely in one month at the most. I have three weeks left in my current semester so I kind of have to taper. I understand that 2 weeks off of Adderall -even after a quick taper- that I will still feel like shit but I'd rather be sober. Well... that's how I was feeling before my appointment today. Somehow, I left the doctor's office with a list of other "non-stimulant" drugs I could try, a prescription for way more than I need/want, and an appointment in early January to determine what dosage I will take with me on my trip. And then I start to convince myself that if I'm only taking a little bit while I'm there - it won't be so bad. NO!!! How did this happen?! I was counting on this doctor's appointment to help make me accountable and it's as if the opposite happened! I have been looking around this website since last April and today is the day I finally seek your help. Because if I do not ask for your help today - I am afraid I will fall back into this cycle where I am the only one holding myself accountable. I am too weak. I am an addict. I need help.