CatsAreBetterThanDrugs

That is really good insight. I'm really glad you said that. I feel the same way about my relapses, it all is kind of a big blur. Thank you for that I really needed that.

This is the longest i've been without adderall for over 5 years. I am so completely proud of myself! My energy is back, my happiness is back, my self confidence is back... of course there are things that aren't back yet, and also some things that have changed negatively. But if there's one thing i've learned since i quit is that yes... there will be negative things. But I just need to focus on the positive and get by one day at a time. My boyfriend is being a dick though.... I told him how happy I was for myself that i've gone three months. and all he says is "we've been there before".... funny thing is, is that NO we have not been there. I've never gone this long sober. We've been through one month sober together then I relapsed. But this time it is THREE months and then he says that??? Ugh. He showed absolutely no happiness for me what so ever, and isn't even proud of me at all. But the coolest part about not being dependent on a chemical anymore, is learning that I don't have to be dependent on a man anymore either... Yes I love him and he is my boyfriend. but I don't need his validation to be proud of my own success. Such a roller coaster of emotions today, but I'm so glad to say I actually am 3 months clean! Soon it will be 4, then 6, then a year!! And that's all this girl needs to survive! Is knowing that i'm strong enough now. and also... i'm good enough!! The bravest thing a girl can do is leave with nothing and know that she'll always be okay... I wrote that in my notes when I was waiting in the car while he ran into the bank. Right after I told him about my three months... I don't think he knows how much he hurt me, but I don't need him to take care of me. Thank you guys for being there! Seriously if I didn't have a place to write any of this I probably would relapse by now. But knowing i'm not the only one is the best thing ever. Thank you guys!! Love you lots <3 -Emily

I almost relapsed. I was so close. But before I made the call I reminded myself of all my progress, and I was finally strong enough to say no. The reason why I almost relapsed is because I had to face so many fears that have to do with my social anxiety. Since my last prescription of Adderall, which was June 18, 2014 I gained almost 60 pounds. This past weekend I was in my sisters wedding as a bridesmaid! The wedding was incredible and the night actually turned out really well. But the day before I left I almost relapsed cuz I was terrified of all my friends and family seeing how fat I got. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that i'm not "fat" i'm SOBER. and that is the most beautiful thing a girl can be I love it when he says those things... but I am starting to go to the gym and get healthy again. But I am SOO glad I didn't relapse. I pushed aside all my worries and fears and just spent the weekend being happy for my sister marrying the man of her dreams. Of course I won't enjoy looking at the pictures. But my boyfriend is right, I'm getting sober and that's something my family might not understand, but it is the best thing to ever happen to me. Also the dealer that I had got BUSTED for dealing meth and amphetamines. Seeing things like that is kind of another realization that even though i'm only three months into my journey, i'm so much farther along than I ever thought i'd be. Thank you guys for being there for me and having a place I can go to when I feel worried. I can't talk to my boyfriend about everything, but when I do he usually does his best to help. Each day that goes by I can tell he trusts me a little bit more. Quitting was the best thing i've ever done.

I wrote this post in reply to the forum "Has Adderall affected your physical health" from the member converse. I just wanted to make sure you guys read this, cuz its pretty scary and personal shit... and well I trust you guys with it. But if you are trying to quit. PLEASE read this... Please... My dad was on ritalin for over 35 years... My mom and my dad divorced when I was 3, so about 20 years ago... My dad always kinda had problems growing up. He got prescribed ritalin around the time he married my mom. He had a photography business and a great life. Well he got addicted to the ritalin RIGHT away, and didn't stop for 35 years. Thats a long time! But he took so many one time that he went outside walking in 20 below weather, a HUGE ice storm and scared the living shit out of my mother and grandmother. And since that day he says his brain hasn't functioned like it used to. When you talk to my dad, he is NEVER there.. His brain can't pay attention to anything more than 30-60 seconds.. He twitches a lot, moves his hands constantly, moves his jaw constantly, talks to himself a lot, has diarrhea all the time, and stays inside most of the time because he literally can't socialize with people. when he took all those pills he would take almost half the bottle of ritalin. He was prescribed to take 5 10mg of ritalin a day. He would swallow almost half the bottle in just one night!! After seeing how my dad is.. It was the biggest wake up call I have ever experienced. I lived with him for 8 months just last year. If I had never moved in with my dad I would still be taking adderall daily. and fortunately because I lived with him, I was there when he overdosed and took him to the ER at 6 am, we were both awake still. Since that day I haven't seen my dad use. I dont know completely if he stopped for sure, but I was there when he told his doctor to stop prescribing him. So I sure hope he is doing well trying to be clean. Lets just say, legal cocaine is a bitch. and you don't want your kids to look at you and be like "really this guy is my dad"? and be embarrassed of your own father because he can't even have a full conversation because he fucked it up 30 years ago trying to get through a tough week? Yeah. lets just say... Its not worth it. Not worth the buzz. Not at all. I always wonder what he would be like if he had never taken any drugs. Would he even be a good dad? Maybe he could've even taught me things when I was younger instead of getting high all the time. Maybe he would've protected me.... Guess i'll never know... Hope you guys read this, it was hard to post on here. Then again it's hard to talk about my dad at all. I'm still at the point where I don't know if I should feel bad for him, or be mad at him... I mean I know I could be there for him addict to addict. but he's dad. I never wanted to see him this weak. But he lost it. and he'll never get it back. and it sucks cuz I probably would've liked the guy...

Hey I think what I have to say might help or maybe scare the people who are trying to quit... This might make you want to.. My dad was on ritalin for over 35 years... My mom and my dad divorced when I was 3, so about 20 years ago... My dad always kinda had problems growing up. and if you saw him you might think he really does have ADHD or something... He got prescribed around the time he married my mom. He had a photography business and a great life. Well he got addicted to the ritalin RIGHT away, and didn't stop for 35 years. Thats a long time! But he took so many one time that he went outside walking in 20 below weather, a HUGE ice storm and scared the living shit out of my mother and grandmother. And since that day he says his brain hasn't functioned like it used to. When you talk to my dad, he is NEVER there.. His brain can't pay attention to anything more than 30-60 seconds.. He twitches a lot, moves his hands constantly, moves his jaw constantly, talks to himself a lot, has diarrhea all the time, and when he took all those pills he would take almost half the bottle of ritalin. He was prescribed to take 5 10mg of ritalin a day. He would swallow almost half of in just one night!! After seeing how my dad is.. It was the biggest wake up call I have ever experienced. I lived with him for 8 months just last year. If I had never moved in with my dad I would still be taking adderall daily. and fortunately because I lived with him, I was there when he overdosed and took him to the ER at 6 am, we were both awake still. Since that day I haven't seen my dad use. I dont know completely if he stopped for sure, but I was there when he told his doctor to stop prescribing him. So I sure hope he is doing well trying to be clean. Lets just say, legal cocaine is a bitch. and well you don't want your kids to look at you and be like "really this guy is my dad"? and be embarrassed of your own father because he can't even have a full conversation because he fucked it up 30 years ago trying to get through a tough week? Yeah. lets just say... Its not worth it. Not worth the buzz. Not at all.

It sounds to me like you knew you were an amazing worker even before you got prescribed. It took me a while to realize that I was an amazing song writer, before I was prescribed. But when I took the pills I thought I could ONLY write songs and do incredible things on the pills. It is totally an illusion and since I quit my creativity and motivation came back... slowly but surely. I suggest you just spend as much time as you can sober and with out the pills and soon enough you'll realize who you can be without the pills. It sounds like you don't even need anything to make you the person you are. You can be a great dad, a great husband, and a great employee. All by yourself with your own two hands and a good nights sleep. I believe in you, you should do the same

So I've heard of this show before but never actually tried to watch it myself. Until earlier this week. I just started season three, and WOW this show is powerful. Idk why I haven't tried watching it before. Its about a character named Jackie who is an ER nurse and has two kids and a husband. She's cheating on her husband with the guy who runs the hospital pharmacy. She is completely addicted to pain medication. She goes through crazy ways to get her fix,and does the most selfish things i've ever seen a person do. Then I remembered... oh wow.... that was me. A selfish addict who would do anything for drugs. I can't wait to see where this show goes, and how or if she gets better. So no spoilers if you've seen it. And if you have not seen it, I highly suggest you do. It shows drug addiction in a way i've never seen on television before. Very detailed. Very well-planned. And such a great character to show just how bad addiction can be. Her character is SO relatable to any drug addict, no matter which drug of choice. She even hid some pain killers in easter eggs in the easter box her family kept in the garage... I used to do that shit lol, hide it around for when i'm out. It definitely keeps me remembering why I chose to quit using, and just how much I have right now that could completely vanish if I relapsed. I mean seriously where has this show been my whole life? haha I love it. Also if you've ever watched House M.D. it is A LOT like that show. Nurse Jackie and House have the same addiction problem. I suggest you watch both shows if you are looking for something to watch. That's all for now haha love you guys

Wow thank you guys so much!!! I love getting recommendations for movies and books about addition, so if you have more please let me know And yeah it hasn't been easy but it is SO worth it. I feel like I should be like a year clean, cuz a year ago was when I got my last script. But all those dumb relapses fucked me up. But at least now I can honestly say I haven't done adderall in 53 days. I've been trying for a year, so that's probably why it was easy for me to get this motivation to start working out and getting my shit together right away. But I absolutely love your responses. I couldn't stop smiling when I read them. Your words touch my heart and I've never felt like I had anyone to talk to about this besides my counselor and my boyfriend. But my boyfriend does his best, but sometimes what an addict needs is to talk with other addicts. And this website is seriously my savior. Because we got sucked into the same drug. Heroin or Meth addicts would be quick to judge and say something like "oh jeez you got addicted to adderall? Please thats baby shit".... so i'm so glad this website exists. Soooo glad! I feel that no matter what you're addicted to... it still has the potential to ruin lives. Thank you for being there for me... Thank you so much <3

I just got done watching a move called Animals. It was about a couple living out of their car and they are addicted to heroine. This movie gave me chills so bad, and I was crying so hard at the end of it. After watching movies about addiction, or shows such as Intervention. I end up feeling a lot less lonely, and I have the urge to never go back to using drugs again. I am 51 days sober now, and I still cannot believe I can say that. I've never in my life felt this good. I just started going to the gym and I start my new job in one week. There are things I didn't even know I missed... I prayed to God so many times to just make me sick after taking adderall, or just make me feel like I don't enjoy it anymore. I struggled so bad, and I've burned so many bridges. But I finally feel like God did answer my prayers, because I've never felt so alive. My head is so clear, and the best part of it all, I don't even crave it... I never thought I'd go a day without having that urge in the back of my mind. This new freedom is the best feeling i've ever experienced. If I could write a letter to the old me. It'd go something like this. Dear Emily, You do not need a drug to feel love. You do not need a chemical to get through every day. You do not need to depend on a pharmacist to make you happy. You can find happiness all on your own, and hell you could get a good nights sleep doing it!! Trust me the drugs are not worth it. Leaving him was not worth it. Spending your mothers money on pill is NOT WORTH IT. Stop now before you ruin everything. It will get better. You will find other ways to feel naturally high. You can be in love again, without the drug. You can go days without messing it all up. You really have the potential to be everything you've ever wanted to be. Emily stop swallowing those pills. They cannot cure you. It didn't work for your dad. It won't work for you.... When you get to the end of the finish line, you won't regret it. Leaving the drug will be the best and the hardest thing you'll ever do. Cuz remember, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Jen your counselor told you that... and don't forget it. Now get your shit together.... P.S. adderall will never love you back.... he will. Sincerely, The sober you.

I love what you said there. It definitely made me re-think what you said about telling someone and that they might use it against you. That's one thing i've always struggled with. Its hard to trust anyone because the friends i've had in my past. But now I've been a lot more open about it, and it even got me to help some people out. If I hadn't said I was a drug addict, they wouldn't have opened up with me. And because I told them I was, I was able to sit and talk with them and completely help them. So since I wrote that post, I now think differently. I now think being open about it just might help more than just myself. Thank you everybody for responding. I am so glad that when I'm struggling I can come on hear and get so much support. Its incredible and I am so thankful <3

Thank you so much that really did help. I love what you said, cuz you're right, they're not paying your bills so you have every right. My parents were paying my bills up to about 6 months ago. I cut them off myself. It was the hardest thing i've had to do besides quit drugs. But they were both equally as hard! and congratulations for being clean since March 21st. Our sober dates are pretty close together!! I'm totally here for you if you feel you're struggling. Message Me

The hardest part about remembering the past and all the shitty things you did, is remember how it affected your family. Talking to my mom about everything is so easy. She is always there for me and she tries her hardest to understand even if she doesn't completely know what its like. But it's the rest of my family who has a hard time understanding. I called both my grandmothers today to wish them a happy mothers day and Its so hard to tell them everything is alright when sometimes its not. Only my mothers parents know about my addiction, but my dads side of the family does not. So to be the only grandchild who is not graduated from college because I messed it up is pretty hard to admit. The hardest part is that its hard for them to understand exactly why I spent all those years not really trying, and now all of a sudden i'm trying harder than i've ever tried before. I am 40 days clean, and I can't believe i'm actually saying that. If anyone has any advice on talking to family members about your addiction i'd love to hear it. Of course the cravings and the urge to use gets easier, but my pride and the embarrassment doesn't get easier. I know what i've done and I hate it, but sometimes I just get so impatient to show people what I know I can accomplish. Before I would always rush to more pills because I never believed I could actually stay clean that long.. But here I am and i'm pretty stoked about it I can't wait till i'm able to say i'm 6 months or a year clean. I know it will come, and I will be fortunate when it does What i've learned is that no one will really 100% understand, unless they're an addict themselves. Otherwise you just have to be patient, which is what i'm trying to do, but its still pretty difficult. Anyone else struggle with this? Also I would like to wish everyone a happy mothers day. Whether or not your mothers are here to spend it with you, or maybe not have the chance to be, and if you are a mother yourself. I hope everyone is doing well on this day. I sincerely do.

When my doctor found out that I was addicted, she cut me off completely. I went to three doctors after that trying to get more, and they wouldn't. I was SOO pissed. I was pissed because I told her I was addicted. Thinking I never should've done that. But looking back now, It is the BEST thing I have ever done. Also, my past is So much like yours. I've been through most of what you explained. The cold sweats on the way to the pharmacy. Complete panic after hearing those words "oh theres been a little problem" or "oh we only have half the amount" gosh I wanted to punch the pharmacy lady in the face! Looking back now though, I realize I was so weak. I hated being dependent on them. When, not if, but When you do finally stop. The feeling that you get after being off them long enough, beats the feeling of adderall. Because you know it's real and not chemically induced. Trust me. Sober can be the high. It is for me Feel free to message me. I'd love to chat

Thank you so much!!

In two days I will be 30 days clean. The last time I went this long was July of last year. I gotta say i'm pretty damn proud. I have no intention of calling my friend to get more, I blocked him on all social media, and I blocked him on my phone. I've never been this strong and its such a great feeling! I went and hiked for a little bit today too!! I got outta breath like right away because it's been so long. But this month, this workout routine, and this feeling is the FIRST of many.... The one thing that gets me through is knowing that I cannot control certain things. Like the reaction from my boyfriend. I wish I could hear him say "good job" or "i'm proud of you" but I know he won't for a really long time because I've broken his trust in the past way too many times. It sucks that I can't control it, but I have to be patient. Cuz I can't wait for the day he says how proud he is of me. I know it will come, but I just gotta keep trying. If you guys are struggling with your relationship and getting clean, message me. Cuz I know exactly how it feels, in almost any situation. I've been there. Please reach out to me. I'm here.

If you haven't found anybody I'd be glad to help you out you can email me at stonemily11@gmail.com

Wow so I just got back from my sisters bridal shower. I was pretty nervous about going because since I got my last prescription I've gained almost 50 pounds. But i've already lost 15 of the pounds that I gained since my last script. Although i've only been completely clean for 3 weeks, my body has been trying to balance itself out since June, 2014. But today I tried on my dress i'll be wearing at the wedding and it's already really loose on me and I have to get it altered. I got a lot of feedback on how good I look too! I drove back just ecstatic!! Seriously once you get passed the low self esteem that follows quitting, that right there feels better than any drug. Because when you're clean, you can ACTUALLY enjoy it, instead of lying to yourself like I used to do ALL the time. If you have problems with post adderall weight gain, trust me your body will balance itself out. You do have to try, but eventually it will work out. I can't wait to see what else I can accomplish. Life is just great right now. <3

Oh my gosh you guys thank you so much for replying!!! It makes me so happy to be able to talk to people about this! I've kept a journal ever since I was 14 and I have my entire journey written down.. I'm thinking of maybe getting it published. But I agree when you look back at what you wrote when you were trying to quit and/or relapsing, you can reflect on it at later times and it literally blows your mind!! One thing that really gets me through is when I feel like finding some, I look back to the journal entry I wrote when I was at my worst. Thank you guys so much!! I will definitely be keeping in touch. Gosh I love this <3 <3 <3

This would be my second time posting my "story", but I really don't consider it my story because a story has a beginning and an end. And right now, this is the beginning, and it's far from over. The post I wrote before was about a year ago. I posted when I was high on adderall, and you know how it is... obviously lol. I mean like lets talk about every fucking detail in the entire world right? Well I would reeeeeally love it if you read what I have to say. I have a feeling you might relate. Please read <3 You know how it starts. First pill is something like meeting your first love, except you don't have to impress them or do your make up before meeting up with them... you really don't have to change anything, cuz in the end you know they'll be there. But the more you hangout with them, the harder you fall for them, so the harder it is to leave them. You know how it is, it is HARD! Well 6 years ago I started a habit that I think i've finally managed to control. This habit made me do things I NEVER would've done sober. It gave me a disease of constant hair pulling, got me kicked out of college, lost most of my friends, pushed away my family, and even had sex for money... I had my own prescription from August 2011-June 2014... For about a year I had two different prescriptions. They call that "doctor shopping". The years before I got my own script I was buying from all the jocks in my class. I picked up my last prescription June 18, 2014. The following month I spent the entire month without taking a single pill. Then I relapsed. Then I relapse over 100 more times. I once spent over $300 in a day cuz my dealer knew I would pay $10 a pill. A 20 mg pill... The reason why I can't get a script anymore is because I met with a counselor in the same hospital, and signed a release form and he told my primary care doctor not to prescribe me. I went to 3 more doctors after that and couldn't get a thing. So that dealer was the only place I got them.... Until I moved in with my dad. My dad has been addicted to Ritalin for over 30 years, and growing up I never knew a thing. Living with him in my 20s made me see who he truly is. There were points where we were sharing our pills, and stealing from each other. I left as soon as I could, because the more I saw him struggle, the more I wanted to get high. I finally got out of there, and my boyfriend took me back one last time. Under one circumstance. I stay sober. I don't want to say detail after detail, because I wanted to leave this as short as possible so you guys will read this. The last time I took a pill was 3 weeks ago. And I gotta say, I feel great. Each time I felt like there finally was a light at the end of the tunnel, I was too afraid to write about it on here because I didn't completely believe that I was done. But now I do. I could not be happier. I guess the reason why I feel like i'm finally ready now is because I got offered to buy some two days ago, and I did something i've never done before. I said "no", and blocked his number.... breakthrough? I think i'm safe to say, YES, that was a breakthrough. I plan on writing on here a lot more... Not just to share my own struggles, but to help people with what I found what makes me want to stay sober. Below is a list of things that motivate my recovery... If you have anymore to add, please comment. I want to talk to you guys!!! I really do. This website is a life saver and please talk to me I want to help and be helped. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I don't know you, but I love you! Because you need to know you're not alone. List Of Things That Make Me Want To Stay Sober -Food -Cats -Cuddling -Naps -Good looking skin -being able to make plans without thinking of the date my script gets refilled -LAUGHING like really laughing -Reading an entire book -finding real passions instead of just waiting for a pill to kick in so everything can be my passion -Going to work every day without calling in making excuse, but the real reason being cuz I stayed up all night and you'd be able to tell how strung out I am -Having my boyfriend TRUST me -Noticing things i've never seen before -Listening to an entire song -cooking -dancing -Netflix -and being able to say "I can't believe I am sober and feel this good"