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About Knows_Better

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  1. Weight changes

    I lost 36 pounds between Feb and April of this year ... Lately , since my appetite has come back I'm scared to gain weight back Binge eating has never been my thing. But I cannot NOT eat Crazy
  2. That was tough... I did quit... for awhile

    That brought tears to my eyes ... Thank you No one knows anything , just you guys ... I'll keep updating
  3. That was tough... I did quit... for awhile

    Its so good to be able to see positive people here and I appreciate all your kind words more than I can say ... As I said earlier .. I took my last 80 mgs ... And it was the worst experience ive had thus far I promise! I've spent the last few hours so angry I worried I may pull my hair out, over nothing. Literally there was nothing even remotely close to aggravating anywhere near me. Instead it was anger toward myself I think .. But I wasn't really aware at the time. I really think I'm bordering on the psychosis line here so lucky I ran out .. You know that feeling when you're so hyper focused and your hands are glued to the keyboard and you're mind is screaming in panic that you have to get up and go , and its seemingly impossible to actually move? That's how I felt today only I was moving , I just never figured out what I needed to do. It was very strange I was so annoyed at myself that I wasn't doing SOMETHING , but I had nothing to do that I could think of at the moment I have screamed at the kids , the dog, and was incredibly rude to the guy that was being to slow at Walgreen's I'm sure he was moving at normal people pace .. But was too slow for me apparently. I got nothing done at all . just a chaotic panic fueled day that halfway thru I gotnso nauseous that I had to drink a protien shake and still felt sick . I guess I finally blew my own fuse on this junk
  4. That was tough... I did quit... for awhile

    its worth alot .. Thank you But... I didn't make it... In fact it's worse now Since I posted I've gone through 5 bottles (5 MONTHS WORTH) Last week I took 60 mg xr one morning and felt absolutely nothing. Then took another 20 mg boost to see what happened Nasty nasty headache, flu like feeling, sneezing, muscle aches , and just plain over the top ANGER I tried all weekend to feel it .. Ended up popping 160 mg Friday night ,knowing I had a script ready for the next day pick up, and felt pretty good .. For a few hours.. Then back to feeling like dirt again Yesterday I got almost to the bottom of the last bottle.. Sat around all day reading these forums and crying So an biurbago , I took my last 80mgs. I couldn't get anymore in I wanted to until middle of next month , and for what? All its doing now is making me feel like crap. I've thought all day , omg I have to get to work on all the big things I have to do this week before the last dose wears off.. That type of thinking is going to take a lot of retraining to get rid if. I'm a complete failure. I've taken 3 showers today, My house is clean and disinfected.. Yet the smell of ammonia is everywhere I go ... I think it's ingrained in my mind .. Makes me so sick .. And I have actually been eating so I don't get that ... But whatever Thank you for everything. But I don't deserve the support I'll probably end up dead bc I'm so stupid and have spiraled out of control I have to get to work .....
  5. It's been a little while since I posted... I've been meaning to update but ... Just never got to it even though it's been nagging at me to do First I want to say if you guys feel that I shouldn't post here then please feel free to say so bc I certainly don't want to hinder anyone recovery , this being a " quitting" adderall support group and all. I did quit all together for 8 days. Last Sunday night I took my last 120 mgs and I was done. I bought supplements and lots of good food and vitamins Day 1 sucked Day 2 sucked Day 3 I couldn't get out of bed Day 4 I couldn't lift my body and literally fell asleep for 16 hours - depression and lethargy and hating life Day 5 was worse - depression kicked in bad Day 6 was unbearable - when I wasn't sleeping I was crying over nothing and rethinking my whole life ( isn't this suppose to get easier?) Day 7 I couldn't take anymore and called for a refill Day 8 pushed through until I got my refill I have come off opiates 4 times and only made it the 4th time with sub strips .. This was almost as bad. Matter of fact the depression and lethargy was worse . However .. I am proud of myself ... I have successfully NOT abused or over used my meds so far. I've been on 30mgs xr for the past few days and although I have used caffeine and tyrosine I feel great. I feel ( for now) that I can use it wisely When I was off the adderall. I realised just how bad my ADD is. I was on autopilot. And it's funny but some of the things I did were so stupid .. For instance ... The little baby I keep during the day ... Her feet were cold .. So I went to get her socks ... Being on autopilot and not paying attention to what I was doing , I say down on the floor next to her ... Pick up my Maltese puppy ( the connection is that he IS my baby lol) and proceeded to put him in my lap and started to put the socks on his back feet ... I am a complete idiot lol I can't live that way ... So ... Here I am at 230 am having kicked ass all day and got everything done ... I had a compulsion to make lists for tomorrow ... And couldn't sleep at all ... I did try So if it is ok that I still am a member and post here , I'd really appreciate the support ... I never want to go back to abuse the adderall and I hope that I can do it. Gotta get to work now. Hope everyone is well and hope I can continue to be a part of this wonderful group even though I've decided to stay on the meds
  6. Philadelphia

    I'm north of Philly, in Levittown ☺
  7. Bethlehem PA

    I'm a bit north of Philly
  8. The Millionaire Loses It All to ADDERALL

    Well at least you are in good spirits 😠That's awesome Sorry to hear your struggles .. This drug is a killer for sure the real kicker is , as I'm finding out , it makes you believe that your delusional self is real.. I was doing some deep thinking last night and suddenly thought " what if I'm not really as awesome as I think I am" ha ha wth?! Reality setting in I guess ... I'm not really an invincible super hero with the secret ability to save the planet, like adderall made me feel
  9. Hi I am new here .. But not to the scene 😊 There are great people here .. You will find lots of great advice and support . I can relate to your issues... I am goal oriented, success driven ,and even though I know I can do it alone.. I also reach for my bottle for help Listen... You are a few months from starting school right? Then you have a golden opportunity here... Stand still for a moment and just look into your future . You talk about how you were on the vyvanse before, so you've been there , seen that train wreck. You seem to be in a position of strength , in relation to most who are currently deep in addiction .. Use that.. You have to use your head and rise above ... You have the ability to think clearly right now. You do NOT want to end up being a drug addict with a PhD. That's what you will become and that's a promise , IF you get that far. I recently talked with someone who quit adderall after 6 years and he was in graduate school for his first few years on the meds... He was golden for 3 years of school .. Then the drugs (as they eventually do) messed with his mind so that he felt it was so much more important to spent that last year playing video games because he was so awesome , in his mind, and he let everything go .. Including school and ended up dropping out with ONE semester left to work at dominos. You know that however sporadic your use is ... It won't be that way for long... It will escelate and usage will increase, it will take over your entire life and then you will really have problems. Cut it off while you are clear headed and able . Start now and give yourself a few months of mental preparation . It's not easy ... We all know that ... But I wish you the best.. And as I said , great people here so keep posting
  10. Stuck in hell

    AlwaysAwesome... Sorry I missed one of your resomses , didn't even see it .. About the fibro/food etc I can say that one of the good things that I have taken from this is I feel much more confident therefore motivated to eat healthier. In the big picture , it probably doesn't amount to a hill of beans , and any healthy habits I've picked up have been negated by the speed consumption.. But once that stops I hope to take away the new habits... I've stopped drinking anything but water , and I had a major diet coke/ red bull problem ... So that's a plus ... second I've quit smoking cigarettes which I have tried to quit for many years . now I can't stand the smell . And I'm SO much more self aware once the adderall wears off ... I am eating healthy and cutting out bad carbs and all sugar. So I will continue taking the L tyrosine that I started yesterday ... Starting my power walks this evening.. And who knows ... Maybe I'll become "addicted" to being /staying healthy 😆
  11. Stuck in hell

    I agree with you.. Its a love hate relationship for sure.. There have been days where even I'd I wanted to eat , I couldn't BC my mouth hurt so bad from jaw pain and my tongue hurt SO bad at times.. I kept saying wow it feels like I bit my tongue .. All over.. Then after a while I would catch myself .. Jaw clinched like a vice grip , and I realized wow. I AM literally biting my tongue .. One night I remember I couldn't sleep bc my mouth was so dry .. I ended up soaking a paper towel in water and sleeping with it BC I had to have something to keep my mouth moist. But it still didn't work . and I couldn't be dehydrated after drinking gallons of water... so crazy!
  12. Stuck in hell

    Very true... You know ... I had the very best of intentions ... All I wanted was to feel normal.. To have normal energy and motivation .. Focus and memory... I do believe I have mild adhd. My son and daughter both have it BAD.. And I also have that fog from fibro that made me loopy... Almost burning the house down bc of forget dinner and go shopping... Or lose my keys every single day ... Panicking bc I've lost my cell phone while not realizing that I'm talking on it... I was a joke. I never wanted to get high ... Fully intended to be responsible ... I was kidding myself I know but for the most part my intentions were pure... Last night I was lying in bed unable to sleep with a massive headache and my mouth and throat burning and sore from the involuntary swallowing/jaw clenching/thrusting etc. Exhaustion had hit me suddenly like a mack truck. All I can think about was what happened to that amazing feeling and how much I want it back .. Staying up all night to conquer the world , feeling like I had the sun radiating from within me .. It was the most glorious feeling I've ever had and I want it back!!!!! But it's over ... And although I'll forever regret it .. And I'm scared that it's damaged my heart or other things ... Was fun while it lasted
  13. Stuck in hell

    Thats exactly how I feel.. For once everything was perfect even if it was not real... Sure seemed so... I am ashamed to say that I've never felt better/happier/stronger ... Than the first few months binging on this crap... Everyone was so happy .. I was no longer spread thin... I was accomplishing everything for everyone and everything I touched shined. I had no limits. I went from sleeping 12 plus hours a day and being lethargic the rest of the time. To having super powers. Yesterday .. Even though I didn't feel much from the meds... I was still able to harness the "brain power" on some level and I have a sort of plan coming together... There are alternatives.. Combinations that may work.. My doctors wanted to try new AD meds that help with other symptoms like nerve pain etc.. Perhaps one that boosts dopamine Wil help also with fatigue... I need to do research.... I have to face the fact that I am sick. My body is broken and I haven't been able to find a Dr that can fix it. I am supposed to have my blood work done at least every month bc I'm on Coumadin for a blood clotting disorder...I have not had it done or seen my rheumatologist since my last surgery in AUGUST.... So I may be in trouble there... I'm scared bc I haven't seen any other doctors since I started this.. I just quit everything. And I have life threatening illnesses. I guessbi felt invincible.... I am not sure why this is... And if anyone has any thoughts to this please share.... I haven't really slowed down enough to realise this but I haven't been to any doctor other than for adderall since January. Had to be in pain managment and take 13 prescriptions including potent narcotics. I was able to quit and have had very little pain while on adderall. I dropped out of pain management without a word to anyone.. So this was an added "miracle" to me... I am so curious how /why this is... I had to have 3 surgeries last year and 2 sacral nerve simulators implanted for pain. Down to nothing for pain... I know it's not in my head... Anyone ever hear of adderall for pain management? Just curious.. It's ironic.. My last visit to my rheumatologist last year... I told him to give me provigil or something .. Anything.. I cried and told him I can't take anymore and if he didn't help me .. My exact words were " I can't live like this anymore , if I have to go buy speed off the streets I will do it" his reaction was " let's get some more blood work" I never went back... Wonder what he would say now...
  14. Stuck in hell

    I wish I could taper ... I have told myself that and actually believed it for a mere moment ... Thank you ... I know you are right 😌
  15. Stuck in hell

    I screwed up.... I hadn't had anything in a few days .. Feels like an eternity... I was alright yesterday.. Until last night when anxiety hit... But I was able to distract myself .. I went to bed and had the most insane dreams I've ever remembered having .. And I felt like I was awake ... And I woke up exhausted this morning. I haven't felt that in so long. My house is falling apart.. Dishes laundry just everything needs to be done... And I couldn't keep my head up I was so tired.. I freaked out and it just so happens that my pdoc appt was today.... So I screwed up and went to the appt. Its amazing to me .. I thought I would feel normal again.. But the truth is ... I am still tired and I have a migraine now. I took 3 xs my prescribed dose 3 hours ago with all the add ons.. 60mg of xr And I DONT EVEN FEEL IT In fact. I feel my headache. My face is hot from the rise in BP. Why am I doing this to myself... I am going to get some L Tyrosine and try that... I took it before and it helped me with the opiates. I gotta get off the ground