Motivation_Follows_Action

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About Motivation_Follows_Action

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    Female
  • Location
    Brooklyn, NYC
  • Interests
    Reading, watching documentaries & learning new things

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  1. After 3 years away from this site...

    I can't believe I remembered my password, when I forgot so much about my life. I was an avid poster to this site, so much so I was granted admin rights... this is about 3 years ago, so hello old friends For those whom I don't know, I quit Adderall many times, and thought I had it beat, but went on year long bender when my husband and I broke up and I lost everything. While I can't say I think adderall is solely to blame, I do know that I behaved like a total meth-head towards the end, my behavior was totally out of control. I was taking around 120mg/day, not sleeping, eating, drinking water, nothing. I would walk home from a bar in midtown at 4am in 3 inch heels just for the "fun" of it. I lived near wall street. I eventually got fired from every job, lost all my money, and returned to my hometown to live with my mother. As a woman in her early 40s that was not easy. I got a job eventually and I've gained 30lbs, but that dark period of my life from 2011-2015 was so confused by my adderall binges that I am just getting over the ptsd of what I did to myself. Anyway for everyone on here who tried to reach out, I'm sorry. All I can say is that I still get cravings for adderall and I am working on rebuilding my life. I am happy for family, and for self forgiveness. Stay strong, friends.
  2. Anyone else had Depression INDUCED by Adderall?

    I just turned this in to a sticky on my desktop. So true, so well said!
  3. I need support and guidance. a quick synopsis

    Hey can I be argumentative for a sec? You don't need "drastic change".. that sounds hard and scary and impossible and most likely to put you off from doing anything about it. All you need to do is make the most helpful choice for you RIGHT NOW. Don't think about big changes, it's exhausting. Just think about the you you want to be at this very instant, and give that awesome person inside you a chance to shine. Be positive - you know what to do. Hugs.
  4. About to Relapse! Help!

    Hey Whittering: 1) Good on you for coming here when tempted; that takes balls 2) No matter what happens, relapse or not, we don't judge you; and 3) Recovery is not a linear process 4) Think about the end point. That's what I try to do when tempted (which is more than I let on). I think about where it will lead, when it will stop, what it will do. And then I try to change the tape. Do something different. Think about something different. Just stop thinking adderall will solve all your problems - because you know it won't, it's a liar and a cheat. YOU ARE BIGGER THAN A FUCKING PILL!!! You can do this.
  5. Major Insomnia anyone else have this problem

    I think someone else said it just today or recently, that recovery really has no rhyme or reason. I remember reading that any or all of the following can be symptoms: 1) Hunger 2) Loss of appetite 3) Extreme fatigue 4) Insomnia Go with it... and basically anything and everything is to be expected. I remember about 6 weeks in to my recovery I thought I had a stomach ulcer because I threw up for 20 hours straight and couldn't even swallow water. Oh, fun! Well, your body at least is telling you it don't want the adderall in its system any more :-)
  6. Last Dance (saying goodbye to adderall)

    Hey Jonah, what's your regimen - be interested in hearing what you've decided to do... and congrats on sticking with it/us. Glad you're still here!
  7. tomorrow will be day 7

    Hey there, First off, don't worry about anyone else on this site except you! And WOULD YOU STOP APOLOGIZING!!?? Sounds like you're sorry you're not a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect ex-adderall-addict, perfect nurse, perfect dishwasher-cleaner, etc etc. Hey guess what? Perfectionism is a great mask for not accepting the amazing person you really are, underneath all those expectations you and everyone else around you places on you. Can I ask why you started taking adderall in the first place? Sometimes that helps understand the root cause of what needs to be addressed: for example, I started taking it really for 3 reasons: 1) because I was doing 2 jobs, badly, and couldn't cope with the stress; 2) I thought the key to my success was all focused on getting to a certain number on the scale; and 3) I was trying to avoid a stressful and emotionally painful personal situation (which was probably the real trigger, tbh). Had I been able to know/articulate any of that at the time, I would probably not have ended up in a cycle of addiction and abuse. Anyway, that's my insight for you - try to figure out what made you start taking it, and if that stimulus is still there... because if you haven't dealt with it, then the temptation will always exist... does that make any sense? And yes, your husband is doing pretty well, all things considered. Marriage is complex and no one is in any position to judge anyone else's, especially where addiction is concerned. If you feel he is supportive (without making you feel like the guilty party), then that's great. My marriage has suffered a lot from the fallout of my addiction - and my husband has been heroic in his support, and is a workaholic like it sounds like yours is. Strangely enough, now that I've rounded the corner and am "stable" (or whatever) and gaining confidence and health and strength and consistency back, I'm starting to hear about just how deep the scars are on his side. Ugh, addiction. Hurts everyone involved. But enough about my whole story -- just know that we're cheering for you from the sidelines, it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel whenever you need to feel it, and whenever you feel those horrible waves of depression wash over you; just know that they will pass. I promise. You rock, lady!
  8. To flush or not to flush....

    LILTEX where does such wisdom come from? You are like a mythical creature, offering all the right things to say at exactly the right time. I think henceforth I shall refer to you as "she who doth say awesome things that belie her youth"...
  9. Historical amphetamine epidemics

    ... and onwards I imagine it will go. The perennial drug looking for a disease. I wonder what the disease will be 10 years from now? No new thing under the sun.
  10. THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE!!

    You guys are fantastic. I love this joint accountability stuff.
  11. rampant on campuses

    Well said occasional1. And zerokewl, reporting it is probably the right thing to do, but I don't imagine IR needs that drama in his life right now. I don't think I said this before, but it scares me how rampant prescription meds are in general. I thought perhaps it was transference from me - that because I'd taken it I was seeing it everywhere - but nope, it just IS everywhere.
  12. To flush or not to flush....

    Lunax, I know exactly what you mean. My bottle sat on the coffee table, full, for a good 3 months before I flushed them. On the coffee table in the living room, for all to see. I felt so strong knowing they were there but I didn't take them.
  13. 12 Miles a Week Running Club

    Hey there - Occasional1 you're amazing! 100 pushups!? Ok I'm going to start with 3. Can't go bad from there, huh? Actually I'm kinda by accident starting to do the running and gym thing. I HATE running on the treadmill (zzzzzzzz) but like running outside, and lifting is such different and good exercise. My goal in the gym is to go 4x a week - and work different body parts each time, plus the 12 miles running. Yesterday I did arms and shoulders, but it's really the squatting I want to get good at - I'd just love to be able to squat some heavy weights; I'm so impressed when I see women do that. I just have to get a stronger core first... so crunches and on-the-ball stuff I'm trying to do every time I go. Wanna do a 12 mile + 4 day a week gym thing? You guys are turning me in to a gym rat!
  14. tomorrow will be day 7

    Welcome to the forum, and the first thing I want to say is congratulations. Even though it doesn't feel like it (maybe) to you, you are capable of something I probably never will be. You got pregnant! Oh, what I would give to be able to conceive. But I digress... The second thing is what I was looking for in your whole post, which is that your husband knows about your adderall usage. That is ENORMOUS -- imagine having to do all this without your kids or your husband understanding how or why you are feeling this way. Does he take adderall too? Or just you. Were you planning on being on adderall for the rest of your life? Sounds like your pregnancy made you stop, but will you start again once the baby comes/breastfeeding stops? It also sounds like you're not having any cravings right now, but you are exhausted, which is to be expected because you're no longer feeding your body and mind with chemical stimulants; and you have a human growing inside you. Take time if you can just to not think about the past or think about the future - just think about you, right now, and be gentle with yourself. You sound very hard on yourself and a little self soothing might make you feel a bit better. No, I'm not talking about spending a day at the spa or anything like that, but just stopping to breathe, and tell yourself you are doing the right thing. And everything is going to be ok. You can't predict the future, you can't change the past, but you can, if you think about it, take a minute just to accept YOU and give yourself a little high five for doing one of the hardest things that a person can do (ie quitting adderall), ON TOP of the challenges of pregnancy. Wow. What a woman. You have my respect, not that that means anything.... I hope you have your own. Hugs... shedding a little tear for you, hoping you give yourself the internal nurturing you need.
  15. rampant on campuses

    Ahh, ok. Thank you for clarifying. Congrats on the long run and good luck for the next long prep session!