Thisisit

Thank you for your responses. The words of encouragement and motivation are awesome. I needed a kick in the ass. I'll keep you guys updated on my process.

Hello, After coming to this site on and off for the last year, I finally became compelled to actually post my story. I feel this is the time to do so because I am perhaps more stuck than ever before. Starting from the beginning, I started Adderall in my mid-20s after college when I found myself bored at my job and “feeling like I had ADD†– it was easy to get a script and I started with 10 mg of ir. At first I only took the drug every now and then because I noticed it that it had negative physical side effects and it made me anxious, paranoid and introverted. However, I slowly came to rely on the drug when I had big projects at work or if I didn’t get enough sleep after going out on a week night. Around the same time that I started to rely on the drug, I began to study for a standardized exam for graduate school and I started to abuse the drug in order to study when I got home from work. After studying for the exam (always on Adderall) I actually ended it up scoring the same exact score as I did on my first practice exam on the real test. After 6 months of studying!!! Not only did this make me, normally a happy and easing going person, very depressed it made me reevaluate my life. I decided to quit Adderall with the help of this this site. I quit for 50 days. During that time period I gained roughly 15 or 20 pounds, could not get enough energy to workout, slacked at work and stayed moderately depressed most of the time. Things that were important to me over the last two years were now laughable. It was so bad, I caught myself searching my house and car for pills that I may have left behind from before. I would always ask myself “what are you doing? Your acting like some sort of addictâ€. I was, apparently. I had good days, but mostly they were bad. However, most of the side effects dissipated, which was great. It was not enough though. Life without the drug was not going well. I finally came up with the idea that I could start using Adderall again and learn from my previous mistakes….that was 2 months ago. Nothing has really improved in my life, I haven’t completed any goals since going back on it, I haven’t become more disciplined. I haven’t felt like I did during the course of the first 2 years I took it. I just feel like I need Adderall to get by both at work – and at home, if I want to read a book or simply get things done. I am debating flushing my remaining pills, but I have not determined what it is that I can do different this time around. How can I make myself have more discipline? How can I move forward, be productive and positive about quitting if I know how bad the following months will be after I quit, since I have already tried it before? Any advice or feedback is appreciated. I am caught in a relapse. I don’t want to take Adderall anymore, but I guess I don’t know how to stop.