kam311

First off, I just have to say that I am SO glad that I found this forum! For the longest time I felt that there was something wrong with me for uncontrollablly abusing my adderall prescription. The stories that I have read are inspirational and give me hope that I can change. Here is a brief background on how my addiction to adderall started... Like many of the stories that I have read on here, a friend in college gave me one of their "miracle pills" to help me study for a test.. that's all it took. I was instantly addicted. I went to the "that" doctor a few days later and he gave me my very own prescription-- that was six years ago. Over these last six years, I have built a high tolerance to this drug and ALWAYS run out of my medication long before I can get my next prescription filled. This is effecting me emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. The sleepless nights make me paranoid and withdrawn at work (I have always been outgoing), it has made me feel disconnected from my fiancé (who treats me wonderfully), and what really tears me up is how it effects me as a mother. My daughter deserves to have a mother who is emotionally there to celebrate each milestone of her life. The only time I have successfully stopped taking adderall is during my pregnancy. I just don't know how to quit and I have never been addicted to anything else in my entire life! It sounds so stupid, but my mind is programed to think I HAVE to have this drug to get what I need to get done. All of thee above lead me to my current situation. I ran out of my last prescription THREE weeks early (yeah, that's embarrassing). I haven't had any adderall for three weeks; I was finally feeling like my old self again! I had my confidence back, I could simply sit in the living room floor and really enjoy playing with my daughter, I laughed and laughed, I didn't interrupt other people who were speaking to me, I wasn't all over the place, AND I got my sex drive back (TMI, I know, sorry). I don't know how I managed to talk myself into going to get my prescript filled this morning-- I am really beating myself up. My reasoning is idiotic... I told myself, "I will only take one if I need to clean one Saturday or if I am driving to see family, yada yada yada." I am feeling pretty disappointed in myself. It feels like a never-ending cycle. I should be sleeping right now, not beating myself up about poor choices and making to-do lists. I've already taken way more of my prescribed dosage today. I'm in desperate need of advice for help... I has taken me years to admit that I am addicted and now I just don't know how to successfully quit. I commend all of you with so much clean time under your belts, that is awesome. It gives me hope. Thanks for your time.

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