• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by blesbro

  1. Binge eating...

    Whoops I thought this was the 60 day challenge thread.
  2. Binge eating...

    Hey everyone, I started eating only clean foods about a month ago and since then have discovered a noticeable difference in my motivation levels, ability to focus, and my overall feeling of well-being. I have always ate relatively healthy but since I have really cleaned up my diet for bodybuilding reasons, it has been worth it for many other reasons as well. Just a thought for people trying to get back on the right track; I think that eating extremely clean foods and exercising regularly can really make a huge difference in the time recovery takes. If anyone is looking to speed up their recovering I highly recommend regular exercise and a good diet! I don't crave fatty foods or sugar after a month of eating really clean either which is interesting. I think most people have a minor addiction to greasy and sugary foods but if you clean up your diet I'm sure you can easily enjoy those in moderation without going overboard. Keep in mind, the positive benefits are realized by changing your lifestyle not simply by trying to eat healthier. I totally changed my diet and am not planning on going back to my old one ever. By the way, congrats to Lunax and FW for your guys progress. I know I haven't posted on this thread yet but I have been following it the whole way. Keep up the good work I have faith in you two! Same to you searching soul. Dillon
  3. I hate myself

    Hey Kori, I agree with Falcon completely. It seems like a lot of your problems are extremely common side effects of people who get hooked on adderall. For example, when I first started taking adderall, adderall eliminated all my anxiety, made me confident, and made me feel good. Toward the end of my addiction, it created crazy anxiety in social situations, took away my self-confidence, and made me feel like shit. I think you should consider just quitting the adderall first, and then deciding whether you ultimately want to get off the other meds. Just know that after you recover from the difficult withdrawl experience lasting up to a year or more, life is WAY better on the other side. Quitting is absolutely the best thing for you and will solve a lot of your problems, trust me. I'm 10 months 28 days sober and life has gotten exponentially better for me since I quit. My anxiety is starting to become non-existent on some day now, where as I was extremely anxious every day on adderall before I quit. It seems like you know a lot of the negatives of adderall. It would probably help you stay through your quit if you wrote down 30+ reasons WHY you want to quit. You need something that will motivate you to stay quit once you start. You need to know that you are a much better person when off adderall completely. Anyways, good luck and keep coming back even if you do continue using. We're here to help! Blesbro
  4. Falcon is still alive

    Hey Falcon, I'm glad to see you're doing okay! I was wondering if you were still hanging in there. You really helped me stay quit in the beginning so I just wanted to let you know that I'm almost 11 months sober now thanks to you and others. Thanks for everything! Blesbro
  5. Help! :)

    Wow, I said it has been nearly 10 months but it actually has been nearly 11 months! I guess I'm at the point where adderall has no place in my life anymore. I wake up without thinking about it, I go through my day without thinking about it, and I go to bed without thinking about it. I don't have any desire to take it nor do I ever get any urges or cravings to go get some. Adderall has taught me a very important lesson. Quick fixes are NOT the way to go. I used adderall originally to solve different internal problems that I had and, in time, it ended up multiplying those problems exponentially. I could have just taken an objective approach to solving my issues slowly but surely, but instead decided to take a drug which I thought was the instant solution to everything in my life at the time.
  6. Help! :)

    What's up Kyle, I have been a fitness fanatic before, during, and after quitting adderall. I also experienced every side effect that you described. I'm going to be honest and say that your change in lifestyle has not caused the positive effects of adderall to diminish nor has it caused the negative side effects to increase. It's not clear to me whether you're an addict or not, but because you called adderall an awful drug and continue to take it makes me think that you might be. If that's the case, every addict eventually continues to use the drug despite the fact that it's destroying them from the inside out. So yes, it is definitely time for you to hang up this awful drug! I will give you a really good reason why you should quit adderall. When I quit adderall, my workouts went THROUGH THE ROOF and I am in the best physical shape I have ever been in after nearly 10 months of being adderall free. I am just now starting to totally change my diet and am in the gym 6 times a week. Lately I have fed a deep urge for more knowledge about fitness and lifting by reading different online articles in my free time. This reading has really motivated me to bring my body and performance to a new level. I now have goals of reaching my max genetic potential for muscle with a low 7-8% body fat percentage. I could not have done this on adderall because eventually it just deprived me of any passion what-so-ever, not to mention I could not even eat enough to maintain my weight (I lost about 20 lbs of muscle 3 separate times after taking adderall for months, then quitting, then gaining it back, then starting adderall, then losing all my gains again). Today I love every minute it of my hobby and the passion that I feel for health and fitness. That passion is something that you cannot feel while on adderall. I had no TRUE passion when I was on adderall, only artificial passion. Now my passion for lifting is insane and REAL. I love it. Do YOURSELF a favor and quit Blesbro
  7. I need advice

    What's up Rick, I can totally relate to everything you're going through. I am supposed to be a freshman in college this year but am taking a year off because I don't think I'll be able to handle it yet, even at nearly 9 months sober. I had been a straight A student my whole life and about a year and a half after I started to take adderall, I got to a point where I had so little self control that I could hardly pass my classes anymore while on adderall. It totally destroyed my work ethic and took away my self control. I got to the darkest place I had ever been in my life and life continued to get worse month by month. I had insane social anxiety on adderall But yet, I couldn't stop taking it. It made me feel confident and good despite the million negative side effects that I didn't even realize. I knew I was addicted for a long time but wasn't able to bring myself to finally quit until it had done severe damage to my life. I am still having an insane amount of difficulty trying to get school work done despite my history with academics but I am making progress and I am thinking about going back to college in the spring, which will give me about a year of recovery time before I start. I seriously recommend that you find a good time to stop taking it and do what you have to do to accommodate your recovery. I like the idea of taking easier classes or perhaps taking a semester off to recover before returning. You know you can't take adderall forever and you know it only gets worse as you continue to take it, so my advice is to make a plan to quit forever sometime in the near future. You and I know that you're a better person off of adderall, it just will take time for your body to adjust and to really become that person without adderall. It will be difficult to start getting stuff done without adderall but hey, no pain no gain and when you push through it you will be stronger because of it. I like to think that after a successful recovery, we become better people than we were before we took the drug. For me, quitting made me really grateful and much more humble and understanding of other people and their problems. My heart literally feels warm every time I think about how I quit forever because I was absolutely hopeless on adderall and there's no better feeling than being free from it. Hope this helps! Blesbro
  8. I’ve got 2 months!

    Congratulations on 2 months Jon! I have read your other topic describing your story and I have complete faith that you succeed in staying quit. The fact that you're a huge reader will definitely help you and your recovery in a number of ways. It will help to keep your mind sharp and working efficiently. Things you read will be able to help change your paradigms you have in your life because in order to live life off of adderall, you must slowly change your paradigms and think differently than you used to. Also, I love how you related your 30 minute speed walk to putting coins in your recovery bank. I am reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" right now by Stephen Covey and he has used similar metaphors which have been really helpful for me. Anyways, 2 months is still early and you will continue to notice significant improvements every month. Although you may have a ways to go, just know that the first 2 months is harder than any other month of recovery. You have made it two months and that's HUGE! As far as getting rid of your pills goes, do it! They're garbage to you. They're worthless. If you don't feel comfortable handling them then perhaps wait another couple months and see how you feel. Congratulations again man, I am confident that you will figure everything out and have a successful recovery. Blesbro
  9. 8 Months Sober, Couldn't be happier

    My story will be yours eventually! It's hard to say when but if you stick with it, you WILL get to a great place in life. I suggest writing down where you're at in your life right now. What's good about your life? What do you really want to change about your life? It doesn't matter where you've been at one point in life because you need to focus on moving forward from where you are now. After 6 months, you should be physically recovered and it's just a mental game. Below that, write where you want to be in life. If life was ideal, and adderall didn't screw things up for you, where would you be? You can get there. Then I suggest writing down a few goals that really excite you. If you make these goals realistic and read them every day, you'll start to feel a huge drive and excitement to do the things necessary to get to where you want to be. This is a great motivational and directional tool that has made a HUGE difference for me and I'd recommend it to anyone.
  10. 8 Months Quit What’s up everyone, I just wanted to give an update to my story and hopefully it can provide some inspiration for someone who needs a little extra hope in staying the course of staying quit. I’m four days away from being eight months sober and I could not be happier with how far I have come. I was once a straight A student and took as many advanced classes as my high school offered before I ever took Adderall. I didn’t graduate high school this past year because I quit Adderall my senior year and could not get anything done either on or off Adderall anymore. About two months ago, I was having a hell of a time trying to get focused and motivated. 6 months sober, I thought I would be back to my old self again. I was feeling extremely down and I could not get anything done. I was so frustrated with my life. I realized that all of my friends were going to college and were having the best summers of their lives while I was struggling to finish my easy summer classes to get the credits to graduate. I felt extremely hopeless. But now, two months later, I am much more confident, motivated and happy. Yesterday I finished my two classes without any Adderall. I now have the ability to focus for several hours at a time without pulling my hair out in frustration. Now, I have a list of goals, both short-term and long-term. I read them daily and strive to move in the direction of my well-thought-out goals every single day. I am so much more organized now, I read self-help books every day and lift weights and run 5-6 times a week. The first several months of quitting, I went to the gym 5 times a week and did the laziest workouts imaginable. I had no goals other than to stay sober. My head was always cloudy and I was always anxious and socially awkward. Anytime I talked to someone I didn't know, I always felt like they could sense that I was "off" mentally. That has completely changed now. My mind is clear when I wake up without adderall. It truly is a miracle. I get solid workouts most days now. I am able to carry conversations with anyone without any anxiety! I love life off of adderall. I can finally be me again without over thinking everything. I can form relationships with people without thinking about it. I can connect with people and empathize again. I have all these natural abilities that adderall took from me and it has taken 8 months to start to rediscover myself. Only two months ago, I was very down and depressed. It's amazing what time and effort can do. I was very happy with my body when I was on Adderall, except that I could never put on any muscle because I couldn't eat enough. Now, I am happier with my body than I have ever been. I have put on about 25 pounds of muscle and am in great shape. Although I am not where I want to be in life yet, it is so empowering to know that my hard work is moving me in the direction of where I want to be and that someday, after continuing to power through the tough times, I will be at a place in life that is unimaginably better than any kind of life that Adderall could ever produce. When something is hard for me now, I work even harder at it so that it will become easier. Anything is possible and there is no reason that anyone should take Adderall, in my opinion. Overall, recovery has been an amazingly humbling and great experience, even though there were few rainbows and sunshine along the way. I am more confident in myself now than I ever have been in my life. I feel as though going through this experience is going to make me much stronger as a person than I ever was prior to taking adderall. I am seeing my efforts transform my life and I could not be happier. What was the difference between now and two months ago? Time. As many of you know, the road to recovery is not linear and at times you may feel hopeless, but if you keep moving forward every single day, and keep striving to improve yourself, you WILL get to a place in life that you will love. I believe anyone can achieve anything if they really put their mind to it and one thing I've learned about adderallics is that we all have the ability to "put our minds to it". Stick with it everyone, quitting is the best thing any of us could ever do. Blesbro
  11. addiction

    Bad, What you said is in alignment with quit-once's theory about the difference between the two addictions. Maybe people really need to realize that they can be BETTER people in every way if they get off adderall permanently. That was another deal-sealer for me; the fact that eventually adderall did not provide any performance enhancement at all for me. It was the exact opposite for me toward the end of my addiction. Quit-once, Yes I think both of us were really done with the drug before we quit we realized that we couldn't take it forever and we realized that it just stopped doing what it once did for us. I'm grateful that it eventually made me feel like absolute shit. Having those realizations made recovery 100x easier for me. Once you can resolve it in your mind, you can make it happen.
  12. addiction

    Amlycr, you really have got to look deep inside yourself and think about what is really important to you. Recovery is a long process but you can't take the drug forever, and it seems like the more you take it the more it drives you into the ground so just take it one day at a time. Each day, your goal should be to not take adderall. That's it. Over time it will get easier and easier until you finally reach the point where you can live a wonderful life without ever taking or thinking about adderall. You will feel much better around 2 months off adderall but probably won't feel back to your old self until 6-12 months off it. Your baby deserves to see you at your best! I hope this helped. Quit-once, I think that you and I somehow have a different addiction than others on this forum. Once I resolved in my mind that I never wanted to take adderall again and once I realized that I hated how it made me feel towards the end of my addiction, I never had a single craving for adderall. I suspect your recovery might have been similar. For what it's worth, I still haven't quit tobacco and I definitely would have a lot of cravings if I tried to quit.
  13. 6 months off adderall - is it still early?

    Sebastian, I can completely relate with most of what you said. I am just past the 6 month mark and I really do miss that feeling of excitement and overall just having a positive outlook on life. When I hang out with friends, I'm almost always extremely bored and the main source of enjoyment I ever get is at the gym. Adderall made me confident, happier, and somehow made it impossible to feel depressed. Unfortunately, all these feelings were artificial and temporary and once the drug wore off the only way to get back to feeling that way was to take more. Hang in there man! Our turn to feel happy without it will come soon enough! Blesbro
  14. My Story - Inevitable?

    Quitonce, I completely agree that the more important something is, the harder it is to get done. I also agree that each quarter of the first year (up to now) has been much better than the last. Every month I feel more level headed and able to focus. I am at the point where I am very capable of getting my school stuff done, I just have to buckle down and do it. You are absolutely right that I let adderall recovery get in the way of my plan before I quit, however, I knew that this would not be easy and I guess I am not surprised by how everything has played out. In a way, I feel grateful that I have been able to quit period after reading many relapse stories. I am glad that I can wake up every morning without thinking about adderall. There was a point when the first thing I thought about when i woke up every single morning is, "where's my adderall, I need it to start my day". It's nice to be able to feel awake and focused without any drugs. It's really weird because I can work 8 hour days doing physical labor pretty easily but when it comes to anything mentally demanding, it's really difficult. I am taking online courses which I can finish at my own pace this summer, but that's what makes it hard because I have no obligations to work on it daily or even at all for that matter. Anyways, I really appreciate the response and I am going to make a plan to get my stuff done. When I do even one assignment, I always feel much better and happier, yet somehow that is hardly enough motivation to get my shit done. Blesbro
  15. My Story - Inevitable?

    Hey everyone, I want to start out by saying that I am extremely appreciative to have found this site. It has given me much hope in my journey to sobriety. With that said, the first time a took adderall was during my sophomore year of high school. Before ever taking adderall, I was nearly a straight A student in all advanced core classes. I had tons of friends, could talk to anyone with ease, was good looking, was athletic and a huge asset to my high school's football team, (not to be arrogant, just trying to give a detailed background) and my future was brighter than most people at my school. The first time I bought 30 mgs for a dollar from a friend who was prescribed, my confidence went through the roof in all aspects of my life. Although I did have a lot of self-confidence, I was going through puberty and seeking social acceptance from everyone at my school and was more or less immature in this sense. I had a great time doing hours and hours of homework where as before I would do the same but it simply did not compare. I could come up with the most meaningful philosophical ideas ever (or so I thought) and my creativity seemed to be never ending. I enjoyed every minute of being on it. During the same time, I had been experimenting with other drugs such as marijuana and alcohol. I could easily control my use with alcohol and marijuana and never went against my plan to not let these drugs get in the way of my education. I also tried to monitor and control my adderall use; however, I have found that this simply is not possible for me which has led me to seek a different alternative. At some point during my sophomore year, while i was still doing extremely well in all areas of life, I got to a point where i was taking upwards of 150mgs per day for a week. By summer, I did not have enough money to satisfy my adderall addiction (of which i was still unaware of) and was forced to go all summer without any adderall. I felt extremely lazy and depressed that whole summer and as junior year came around, I found a connection for a decent amount and began taking it again at the start of the year. At this point, I had not experienced an serious negative effects of adderall on my performance in school, social life, or sports. I started with taking 5mgs per day, and then 10 mgs per day, and then 20mgs per day, and so on. I played football my Junior year and did well and ended up playing in the Minnesota state championship with my team. Around this time, I did have a fairly strong idea that I was addicted and thought what's the point if I can't take adderall every day? I also felt, as I am sure many of you can relate to, as though I could control this addiction. I knew that I would have to quit eventually and I knew that I did not have enough reason to do so at that time in my life. And so the grind continued. I ended my first quarter with all A"s in my rigorous courses and still had not experienced any serious negative effects other than losing my "near perfect" girlfriend to the drug (which I did not realize that adderall was the culprit until recently). The reason why adderall got in the way of this relationship is because my girlfriend was close to a "10" and had guys hitting on her left and right and my jealousy and tendency to overthink everything really ran me to the ground. Eventually, I could not handle it and ended the relationship. As the winter quarter started, I began selling drugs to support my habit and was successful in doing so. I began making a large chunk of change while still promising to myself that my academics would always come first. As a high school student, I was making more money than my parents were and it really fucked up my priorities. Although i always knew that an education is the most important thing, the fact that I had the money to buy my own place, car, food, etc. made this fact blurry. This is where my life really took a turn for the worst. Not only did I value school less, but I valued my family relationships, my friend relationships, and my work less as well. After all, I was making so much money that none of these things mattered as much anymore, right? WRONG! I got to a point where I had almost no time for friends and even less for family because I was making money. And a combination of this with adderall really made me feel invincible. I went from doing well in school first quarter of my junior year to sliding by with grades ranging from Fs to Bs second quarter. Although I felt really shitty about this, the feeling of invincibility I was feeling continued to flow from within me and my priorities continued to suffer greatly. To make a long story short, I got to a point during 3rd quarter where I could not keep anything straight. Being late to ever obligation, including class, family events, etc. was the norm. The first day of 4th quarter I was called down to my dean because someone had informed the school that I was a drug dealer. The school found vacuum-sealing bags in my backpack which was enough evidence to recommend my expulsion. My family searched my bedroom and found a large amount of marijuana and other pills. My reaction to this whole thing scared my family. I acted as though it was no big deal. Oh well, I got expelled from school. I still felt invincible. I had stashed away enough adderall to kill a small elephant and so I continued to enjoy my little pink pills following this incident and proceeded to "try and straighten out my life" without the drug dealing. I truly thought that this was the primary factor in messing up my life. I went through summer leading up to my senior year attempting to get back to who I once was, and to no avail, the addy won once again. Throughout the most recent summer and this fall, I have been to a point where i was taking anywhere from 20-75mgs daily. For the last month, I have been very well aware of my addiction and really trying to do well in school. I did well in my classes during the fall, as I probably upped my dosage just prior. Without fail, the dependency caught up with me and I am looking at Cs Ds and Fs as my final grades for the first semester. I'm currently finishing up my first semester this week and am taking a non-negotiable 30mgs per day. As I realized that I won't be able to bring home a good report card to my family once again, I realized that I cannot do this anymore. I do not want anything more than to be my old self again. Right now, I do have some very close friends that are aware of my desire to quit forever and are very supportive of my decision to do so. They have seen the changes in me including my decreased confidence, my lack of sense of humor, and my decreased motivation. I once could prosper in my rigorous courses without adderall and now I can hardly pass less rigorous courses due to lack of motivation. I am always busy while I am awake, but I'm not busy studying, I'm busy playing video games or smoking marijuana or just hanging out doing nothing. I wish to only quit once and am planning on doing so this Thursday following my last final before my month-long winter break. I feel as though I will undoubtedly be able to do it because I want to get back to being me MORE THAN ANYTHING, but maybe quitting the first time simply isn't as probable as I think. Especially because I still do have a lot stashed away and available to me. I have been through the withdrawals once for about two weeks after taking it daily for several months due to supply issues so I am aware of how it will feel. I did nothing but sleep and my life felt grimmer than ever before. I want to thank you all so much for reading this, it truly means a lot to me. I would appreciate any advice or tips that will aid me in my journey to sobriety and also in attaining my goal of quitting this Thursday.
  16. My Story - Inevitable?

    What's up guys, I'm 5 days away from my six month anniversary off adderall and I just wanted to update everyone on how I've been doing. My life right now sucks and I am extremely frustrated with my ability to get anything done off of adderall, especially school work. I didn't graduate high school this year like I was supposed to because I could not get my school work done. Getting back to my old self, in my opinion, has been way harder than actually quitting adderall. I do not wish to ever take adderall again. I haven't forgotten how fucked up I was prior to quitting and I am so grateful that I don't feel any urge to take adderall, but still life's a huge struggle and I'm having a really hard time getting my motivation and work ethic back. Because of this, I feel pretty worthless and have had some depression. I feel pretty shitty because I know all of my friends are going to college next year and I'm gonna be living at my parents house and STILL CAN'T GET MY SHIT DONE. There's still absolutely no way I'm gonna take adderall to get anything done because I was once extremely focused and motivated without adderall. I know I will get back to where I was pre-adderall buy it's just frustrating as hell trying to get there. It's summer and I am supposed to be enjoying it with my friends but it seems like it's impossible for me to really have a good time or be in a good mood because I know deep down that I should be getting my school stuff done. I don't feel like I deserve to do anything fun and so often times I just go home and do nothing instead of hanging out or partying with friends. On a positive note, I really am back to my old self in many ways other than the fact that I'm lazy as shit. I'm able to connect with people now like my old self and enjoy being around other people much more. I still work out five times a week and have had huge gains in the weight room which I'm proud of. In short, although my life seems pretty horrible right now I can't help but feel insanely grateful to have kicked adderall. By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and am still trying to get through it. Anyways, thanks for reading! Blesbro
  17. Not sure who I am anymore...

    What's up Naterdogg, I can relate to everything you just said. I even thought that I would suffer from a major depression also, and I found out that having a positive outlook kept me from having hardly any depression at all. I quit four and a half months ago and I'm also a senior in high school. My life has improved so much since quitting, it's pretty amazing. I will say though, I still have a lot of trouble trying to focus in school and getting stuff done that doesn't really interest me... and I used to be a straight A student before I ever took addy. So you may need to wait to quit until after your finals. But I would say that the day of your last final should be the last day of taking adderall. You'll need time to recover. You can probably get through your job but I'd recommend asking to take a month off or so to give yourself time to get through the worst of recovery. Good luck, you can do it!
  18. Mr. No personality

    That's a good way to put it!
  19. My Story - Inevitable?

    Hey man, Wow that was a quick response. That's awesome that you're able to be so active on this site! Anyways, for the first month of recovery, I basically relied on energy drinks. Even coffee didn't cut it for me in the beginning. For the past two weeks though, I've been able to feel awake and attentive for most of the day with a couple cups of coffee. I rarely get energy drinks anymore. I also haven't been napping or feeling the need to throughout almost every day. Anyways, I still have to strive to get my work ethic back as soon as possible because that's my nature. But I will definitely remember that metaphor when I don't do as well as I would have liked to throughout the rest of this year. I appreciate your honesty. It's reassuring to know that my feelings of frustration and lack of motivation are normal things that happen during this period of recovery. I can't wait to get back that inner drive that you're feeling. Imagining and acknowledging the fact that I naturally have that drive and it will be in my future is one of my biggest motivators to not take adderall. Thanks for your input man, it means a lot. Blesbro
  20. My Story - Inevitable?

    Hey everyone, just wanted to give a brief update of my life. Today is my 64th day off adderall and life continues to improve. It's truly amazing. I do not even think about adderall on a daily basis anymore; however, recovery still has a place in my life. It is still extremely difficult to be productive. I feel as though I would be able to just get a bunch of shit done after being two months sober, but it's just not as easy as I thought it would be. I continue to try and push myself to get a little bit more done here and there, do a little bit more work than I did yesterday, etc. This seems to be working and I am able to focus for longer and longer each week that passes. I will say that I am really frustrated with my ability to get stuff done. I will not, however, take an adderall to get anything done. Even though I know that if i took a pill a day before any given test I would most likely be able to ace the test, I know that I never want to have to go through recovery again and I am well aware of the fact that nothing feels better than being successful at something after working my ass off rather than letting a little pill work my ass off for me. In short, the easy way out cannot get me to where I want to be. I would never be truly happy having to rely on a stupid little pill to get anything done. It won't help me turn into a man and it won't get me anywhere.The other areas of my life are continuing to improve as well. Just recently within the past couple weeks I have really started to realize the importance of school again. I am starting to really strongly desire to do well in school because I am thinking about my future. All of my natural motivations are coming back and the "fire in my belly" is beginning to burn brighter and more viciously every day. Every day I realize more and more how badly I want to succeed in life and accomplish my dreams. I know that there is no other way for me to feel true happiness than to achieve my goals and aspirations. It has been very interesting and REWARDING to put myself in uncomfortable situations and deal with them head on rather than escape into my own little world of comfort by taking a pill. I want everyone out there that is struggling to know that facing hard times and pain is what makes people great as well as feel great. It is a natural part of life. Not every day can be a good day anymore and I am fine with that. I would appreciate any advice which might aid me in getting my work ethic back as quickly as possible because it really is hard to feel accomplished and happy without it. Now that my motivation to get shit done in my life are coming back, I am beginning to want to have a strong work ethic more and more and it really is difficult to have to accept my current work ethic. I will continue to ride this train because I know that there is a better me in the future. The only solution for my shortcomings right now is time, hard work, and perseverance and I intend to stay the full course. Thanks for reading!
  21. My Story - Inevitable?

    What's up guys, It has been a little more than a month and things are going great. I have had a lot more time to reflect and have come to many more conclusions regarding my recovery. I have not taken any adderall, if anyone was wondering, and I still have confidence that I won't ever consider taking one ever again. After all, I have gone through withdrawals, to some extent, followed by starting again with strong intentions of "controlling my use" a few times in my life. However, to no avail, 5mgs always turned into 10mgs, 10mgs always turned to 20mgs per day, etc. I am addicted to adderall and taking one pill here or there is simply is not an option. There have been SO MANY benefits of quitting and only a few difficulties, which were expected. I did not even realize how socially anxious I was until after quitting adderall. I could always seem to be a "normal person" to other people but I was constantly focused on whether or not other people were looking at me, what they were thinking about me, and why everyone else seems to be socially awkward. It turns out, as you might expect, that I was just never fully focused on doing what I was doing in the presence of others but rather focused on stupid shit that only aided in keeping me on the slow road to insanity. At the gym, I wouldn't be 100% focused on getting the last rep of a set up but rather who was watching me and how to "look" like I was giving 110% effort. It was so fucking ridiculous I can't believe I allowed myself to do that for so long! My ability to connect and relate and hold conversations with other people has increased EXPONENTIALLY. I am no longer nervous when talking to someone I don't know and my fears have led me to act and overcome rather than do nothing about it and remain fearful. After all, on the other side of every fear is freedom, right? I've come to the realization that addy suppresses all emotions, good and bad. I realized that even bad emotions, at least for myself, do me a lot of good. Anger, rejection, failure. These emotions, along with others that I can't think of right now, have always led to huge natural motivators to improve myself. I have been obsessed with self-improvement even before taking adderall and when I first began taking adderall, I remember that I felt as though I were able to improve myself 1000% faster than without adderall. Eventually, I wasn't able to improve myself at all, and then it was no fun. So basically, it suppressed and limited the natural endorphins and dopamine I received by not allowing me to eat, have a high sex drive, and truly appreciate the natural enjoyments of life and it hindered my ability to gain motivation from the negative things happening in my life as well. A lose lose in my opinion. Adderall gave me the ability, which I already had prior to taking it, to focus 110% on anything that I attempted to focus on. After using adderall for two years, and quitting cold turkey, I haven't been able to focus on anything with such intensity. I see the ability to focus and a muscle and the more hard work I put into trying to focus, the easier it will get. I know I have the potential to do this without adderall, it's just going to take some time and hard work to gain this ability back. The other most obvious negative impact of quitting adderall that I have noticed is, as I posted above, my work ethic is lacking. I believe that work ethic is like a muscle and the more work that I force myself to do, the easier and easier it will get. I am truly looking forward to being able to work long hours with a high degree of focus once again. I am confident that I will be able to do this. It will just take time and effort. Thanks for reading this guys. I feel blessed to have all of you here with me on my journey. Feel free to tell me what you agree/disagree with or what or thoughts are on this post. I'm always open to learning new things and other people's opinions.
  22. My Story - Inevitable?

    Hey everyone, today is my 10th day without adderall since quitting and I can agree that every day up to now has been better than the last. It's crazy, I have so much hope for my life now and my self-confidence has begin to burst once again. I have been LOVING all of the natural enjoyments of life such as eating, sleeping, laughing and joking, and just having fun being social and meeting new people. I realized that adderall made me not want to meet new people. I don't know if that was because once i realized I was addicted there was no point in making friends with new people because I wasn't me and knew i would have to become the old me soon enough or what but my desire to meet new people, make new friends, and start new relationships is renewed. I feel like every day is a blessing and I have been enjoying every minute of being sober. Of course, there has been one challenge which I have been embracing. Getting work done takes much more mental willpower to get started and to finish. I was trying to change the headlights on my car one day and I'm not good with cars in the first place. I figured out I had to take off part of the bumper on one side and long story short and four hours later I got the job done. There were so many times when I had to take a huge breathe and basically just say, "FUCK!" but I just kept going because I know that I need to develop my work ethic once again. My motivation is high but my work ethic and perseverance in completing any type of task is lacking. I'm not worried though, that will come with time. Quitonce - I have told all of my addy friends and I was very clear that I will NEVER for ANY reason take addy again. And they know I'm a man of my word. All of my friends pretty much take addy occasionally for finals, etc. and I have found through talking to them that two of my friends are in a much lower stage of addiction than I was prior to quitting. They are like how I was a year or more ago. I told both of them that I'm here if they ever feel like they need to quit and I said I suggest they quit but also I can completely understand that maybe they need to let the drug run it's course and they need to decide to quit on their own. Also, there's no doubt telling my parents and family has made this decision much easier to STAY quit. Motivation_follows_action - I still feel great, do you think it's possible that I just won't experience that depressed feeling that you encountered? It was the best Christmas present I could have given to both myself and my family, you're right!! Falcon - Thanks man, i appreciate the encouragement and support. I have gotten rid of my stash, do not worry. I do have a lot of connections for the drug, however, so I will keep my willpower strong!! Thanks for replying everyone! This was way harder to write than my first post was on addy. I had to actually TAKE BREAKS to get this post done... haha but other than my decreased work ethic I feel damn good and I hope that I can be an example for people of someone who actually really enjoyed the recovery process.
  23. My Story - Inevitable?

    Hey everyone, today is my first day in many, many months and to be quite frank I feel fucking great. This isn't supposed to happen, I know that, and so I am confused. I have been taking 1000 units of vitamin D for the last month which I have found has made me feel WAY better. I believe that I probably either had a vitamin D deficiency from the addy or I have seasonal depression or a combination of both. Kiss Kiss - thanks for your advice, I bought a bottle of CALM a while ago to deal with the muscle aches and pains during the addiction and I had forgotten about them until you brought that up. I'll definitely start taking those again. I've also been taking the best multi-vitamin that I've been able to find along with fish oil. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and have done so for the last three years of my life so I think that may have played a factor in why I feel all right today. I just went on a healthy food shopping spree and am so excited to begin taking my workouts and diet seriously again. No more half-assed workouts at the gym and no more mini-meals that make me feel like I am eating enough. I am planning on getting some L-tyrosene from the store tomorrow also. Motivation_follows_action, I really appreciate your insight. Your view that I will be better than I was before I took adderall really gave me a surge of hope and motivation to get to that point. I told all of my close friends, most of whom don't truly understand the challenge that I will be facing, and I also just told my parents yesterday that I had an addiction as well as explained to them my plan to end it. Falcon, I did sell off about half of my stash and the rest I gave to different buddies. I completely agree with you, fuck this pill. It took away my soul (temporarily) and at this point in my life I believe that it has nothing good to offer me anymore. I wish I would have known the long-term negative side effects before ever taking it, but then again, I couldn't have truly understood what "losing your soul" feels like from this drug without going through it. I can't even say that I regret ever taking addy because I truly believe that if i EVER took it at any point in the future, I would have had to let the addiction run it's course. I am so thankful for getting this problem solved early on in my life. And quit once, i really really appreciate it. I think you're the person on this forums that I can relate to most in terms of how our addictions were and i literally did everything you suggested (except i got rid of my stash, I just don't want them anymore). So thanks!!! This is only day one so I'll keep you guys posted on how things are going down the road. Once again, THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! Your support is amazing.