emmmapea

Hey! So we really are basically in the same boat with each other here Nice to have a quitting buddy, or, whatever you want to call it, ha. But anyways, it's been really weird considering the exercise situation. I've put going to the gym off for SO long (jeeze years almost) and the thought of running on a treadmill seemed excruciating. But what's weird about it as I said, is that now I feel like it's the only thing that is keeping me sane, especially during this period of anxiety. Even right at this moment I almost feel myself excited to go to the gym and run everything away. I dunno, it's almost like this is becoming my new addiction? - I mean hey, that's not bad I guess to think of it like that...or is it? Otherwise, besides the anxiety and sleeping issues I, too, am in school and it's definitely not easy. I posted about it in a separate topic, more specifically concerning the problems I'm having with being able to write anything like I used to. I'm not just talking about the fact that I feel my writing style has changed, but also the fact that I can't seem to write anything AT ALL, like my mind is completely blank. (I guess I obviously am writing here, but I guess it's different when it's something of great importance to me). I'm taking a philosophy class (how convenient right?) so I'm beginning to freak out a bit about a paper due that's coming up. And yes, I think routine is key. I am seeing a therapist every couple weeks and that is the main thing that she presses. As she, and "they" say (and I somewhat remember from "before") once you get yourself into a routine, you begin to hold yourself accountable and then you feel somewhat guilty or uneasy skipping out on what you knowingly had planned. In no way am I quite there yet, I'm one who can't always practice what I preach, but it's nice to know that I'm sharing this journey/experience with someone else who's in the same recovery stage as I am. So hey, we're not alone! Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk/need support!

To give just a bit of background: I'm currently in school right now, taking 6 credits, trying to slowly but surely reach my bachelors degree (about 16 credits left). Adderall has helped me now for over 6 years in school, at first it was harmless of course (or so I thought), but then rapidly growing into a full fledged dependance. I am now at day 10 in being clean of it, after relapsing many-a-time, but I just feel it, I just KNOW that this time will be for good. Anyway, in general I have been doing better than I predicted, but one of the challenges I'm coming to face is not being able to produce any sort of work that involves writing with the ease that I once was able to do. Writing used to be one of the things I was best at, concerning the work I did for school. I found that my words just easily flowed onto the paper and I felt confidant in my work. I'd take a paper over a presentation ANY day. Now - I feel like I could just stare at the computer screen for hours searching for the words, rather, ANY words at that, to come to mind. It took me awhile to even write a significant amount here in this forum because at it was so difficult for me to convey anything I was thinking into writing. I hate it. It's like some mental block and I feel a huge amount of anxiety anytime there's talk of a paper coming up in class. My biggest worry is that in order to freaking graduate college I'm going to have to write many papers in the next few months...has anyone experienced anything like this? Or something in the similar sense? I guess it's almost like writers block? I find myself watching and envying all the people in the computer lab just typing away.

Searchingsoul, I too have been having an unbearable sense of anxiety the past couple days. I wrote in here awhile ago and had flushed my pills, but relapsed a few weeks after, so from this day I am 10 days clean. I've been clinging to working out actually to ease the skin-crawling feeling, but beyond that hour I spend in the gym I feel like I am basically running around, feeling like I need to be doing something, but at the same time not knowing what to do/nothing I do (besides working out) eases the feeling. I can't seem to calm my mind or relax my body enough to even sleep. It's weird, I feel like I'm experiencing some of the same things that I felt when I was on adderall, for example the tossing and turning in bed (when I tried to make myself sleep), unable to relax, finding a comfortable position, calming my mind, etc. I'm afraid I'm going to worry myself into insomnia, which I experienced for a time period when I was in my teens (awful). How are your sleeping patterns?

Thanks for your responses. Can you guys suggest any sort of community groups NA,AA that type of stuff that would be somewhat helpful? I know people may not be able to completely udnerstand where we are coming from, but something would be better than nothing. At least to feel like i have some sort of people around me here that can relate to the feeling of addiction. Has anything like that worked for you? And Rach, any advice as how to get through classes. How do you make yourself read, study, or whatever it is you do for the type of classes you're taking? It feels like absolute hell and that I can't absorb any of the information that I try to read. I'm taking a freaking Philosophy class for god sakes....ugh I guess I only have myself to blame for that....ha

That's great. I definitely need to get myself to spend more time outside. Something about that fresh air and sunlight that does it for ya. Here's my question, as a [very] recent adderallic in recovery, how do you get yourself to get out of bed to even engage in activities such as this? The last few days I haven't gotten out of bed until at least 3:30pm and when I do I feel in such a huge funk and haze that it's hard for me to continue in this world outside of my bed....any suggestions?

I'm in Grand Rapids, but frequently in Lansing. Would be more than willing to travel to meet up...

Hey everybody. I've written in once before upon finding this site, basically shelling out all the anger I felt in response to accepting and admitting that I have an addiction to adderall. Now that I've had a month or so to ruminate over all this information and having told a few people, I decided last night to flush the pills. I had just refilled my prescription on the 14th (after I had thought I wasn't going to) and found myself once again going into an adderall binge which basically lasted for the next 4 days. And once again I found myself shut up in my room and avoiding all contact with my roommates, phone calls, and even calling into work "sick" during those few days. The whole time I was on that binge too I just planned and planned and organized how I was going to quit. That is the whole thing about this. I have been planning what I am going to do about this problem the whole time I've had the problem. Does that make any FREAKIN' sense!? Lists lists LISTS!!! I mean talk about all the paper I've wasted. Basically where I'm at now is feeling so alone. So useless. My mom keeps telling me I need to get out and be active, do activities, make myself feel better, find groups to talk to about this problem, but I feel like no one freaking understands. My roommates are trying to pretend like they know me better than I do and that I should be doing this or that...but they just don't fucking get it. And now I get on facebook today and find that my friend got accepted into the nursing program she's been working so hard to get into, and as happy as I am for her really, I mean that was me before, we began that process together, working to get into nursing school. And now here I am a fucking loser sitting in my room. alone. STILL trying finish school a couple classes at a time. I mean shit it's been almost 7 years working on this bachelors now. Everyone is surpassing me and all I'm left with is adderall. It doesn't even help me to succeed in school anymore...which I guess is why I realized there's no point to taking it anymore, but still without it I feel like I've lost a part of me. I lost that one thing I knew would energize me to do something, ANYTHING, whatever it was. How can I be successful again? How can I complete these 2 classes this semester? I'm so scared of failing without these pills. I've already wasted too much time and money (tuition).

I just stumbled upon this site yesterday in the same way that many of us probably have in our situation. I honestly couldn't even believe what I was reading. I felt relieved yet angry/confused at the same time. Everything you have there on the site - all the information, the articles, the explanations, the feelings - they are all completely on point. It all makes total sense. But why is this information not supported by the public? Why haven't medical professionals realized what is actually happening here with this drug? Moreover, what kind of people does this make us then? As much as I'm so glad to find a group of people like me here online, after realizing that none of this information is supported by physicians/research, makes me feel in a way that it's all my fault, and that I'm the weak one. Like this isn't supposed to happen to regular people, or else there would be more of a backing of information surrounding the topic. And now, I'm even more angry that this drug, Adderall, the whole reason behind taking being to enhance my ability to study/work, has now completely failed me. I'm just fucked. It doesn't even work successfully for me anymore. I feel like I have to take it to work, but then when I sit down to write my paper, I get NOTHING. I used to write with such ease. I have now just most likely failed a class because I couldn't write the final research paper. I just sat for hours, days staring at the computer screen, reaching desperately to find the right words. I feel embarassed. Stupid. I could do this before. And now I'm even more worried because if I've hit the point of not even being able to be successful on adderall, what the hell is going to happen once I stop taking it. I'm so angry. This should have never happened. To me, or any of us.