MJ4thDimension

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About MJ4thDimension

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  1. Taking adderall for pre existing depression?

    I have personally witnessed many people recover from hopeless states of mind and body. But it came as a result of having a spiritual experience. And that doesn't mean having some white light experience with Angels and rainbows. It just means having a personality change sufficient enough to bring about recovery. The only way I've seen people have this type of experience, and also had it myself, was through the Twelve Steps. They seem religious, but I assure you, they're just a set of spiritual principles to live by that yield a miraculous change. I would give it a try.
  2. Scared to death now

    I've come to realize that when it comes to an addiction as severe as yours, there is no power in the world that can stop you, especially your own will power and logic. Addiction will take all of your assets and turn them against you, if you're intelligent it will use your intelligence to construct insane rationalizations that will allow you to keep using. If you are kind, it will use your kindness to convince everyone around you that there is nothing wrong. There is shift that takes place in the spirit of every addict when they come to realize the utter hopelessness of their addiction. You recognize that you've reached ground zero. You have no power to stop. This is the Truth. And it will set you free. From this truth there is simple idea that seems work as a foundation for amazing and seemingly miraculous change, the idea that there exists a loving Presence in the universe that cares to bring you back to life. If you realize you have no power, you must conceive that there exists a source of power that is greater than you, and all you have to do from there is put your faith in this power in the same way you put your faith in Adderall. It's as simple as a sincere cry for help, and a willingness to accept the help, regardless of what form it comes in. Believe it or not, this forum is a power greater than yourself. Why? Because it's filled with people who were once as hopeless as you, but have gained freedom. We have gained the power that currently doesn't have. And we want nothing more than to share it with you. Now all you have to do is believe that the help we are offering will save your life. I have heard several people suggest that you go to rehab, and I will agree with all my heart that is what will save your life. I am praying, sending helpful intention, meditating on your survival. If anyone else believes in that sort of thing, please take a few moments to pray that she gets the help she needs.
  3. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    I stopped counting days, but I think 9/9 was the first full day clean, so that puts me at 14 days. No adderall, but I picked up a new addiction, VivaZen, it's an over the counter energy/relaxation shot you buy at gas stations or from Amazon, it really helped with the depression and lack of energy at first, But now it's just another crutch. If you don't have a propensity to become addicted to things, I would recommend using it for the first week or so of withdrawal, but if you're like me, stay away from it. Because now I have to stop using it due to the fact that it's blocking my spiritual connection to Life. Has anyone else tried Viva Zen?
  4. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Thanks guy! I met with my advisor today, and it seems like they're going to let me finish my degree, I just need to keep providing documentation that I'm clean and stable, which is easy to do, when I'm clean and stable! I got the job working with autistic kids, and guess what pops in my head? That little voice that says, "yeah, you're not gonna be able to do that without adderall". So I have to stay connected and remind myself of the fact that I have never been able to use adderral as prescribed, and I never will be able to use it safely. Every time I use it, I just get all geeked out and want to stop using it! So fuck that.
  5. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Day 9: depression and anxiety is not so bad when I wake up. Getting back into prayer and meditation. Have to work on developing a written remediation plan to present to my grad school program so they'll consider not kicking me out. It's frustrating because I believe there is unspoken stigma associated with addiction that is causing them to view me as morally defective as opposed to having a chronic brain disease that is subject to relapse. Addiction is like having a gun to my head 24 hours a day, and if I'm not constantly vigilant over my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors my hand seems to have a life of its own that always goes to pull the trigger if I lose awareness. I'd appreciate some prayers or positive thoughts with this grad school thing, I've got 3 credits left to finish and I may be dealing with an administration who believes people with addictions don't belong in the counseling field. I love you all, thanks for the support, I probably would still be all spun out wondering if the next pill would be the one that kills me if it wasn't for you guys!
  6. One Word Status Update

    Progress- cracked open some spiritual literature, was reminded of the Truth, fear and anxiety began to dissolve. "The Truth will set you free".
  7. One Word Status Update

    Day 6: Depression. Anxiety. But no adderall 😄
  8. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    I just started watching Sense8 last night, I finished Narco's in about 3 days, I've been through the office several times, probably my favorite show since I live in Scranton and love all the references to local stuff. Bob's Burgers was a good one too. Got any suggestions?
  9. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Day 3: started out depressed. Saw my psychologist, uncovered some deep stuff that led to my relapse. Went to my meditation group, left with the peace of knowing that "this too shall pass". My body is craving carbs, so pizza bagels just happened! Now Netflix and chilling out. Brain chemistry will take some time to get to where it was, but it gets better each day! Speed sucks. Only Love is Real!
  10. I'm quitting today. Tired of living a lie

    Yes! Welcome! I just quit yesterday! Been in AA for 9 years, had 3 years without adderall or anything else up until mid August. I know exactly how you feel! It keeps you trapped in self, unable to connect with people, and the the dishonesty poison to your soul. There ABSOLUTELY is hope. I am person who is unable to taper down off drugs. I have to go cold turkey. It sounds like you might be like me in that sense. So the first thing I did was get rid of most of my pills. Kept enough to make to yesterday because I have the next few days to do nothing but detox. I feel like I'm coming back to life. Returning to spiritual principles. There is hope. Utilize the program, connect with the Higher Power. The pain drugs cause us is the Universe's way of causing us to wake up. You're waking up! Get rid of the pills, plan for some days of being tired and depressed, but also expect to feel a flood of Life come back into your soul. Welcome, this forum and the people on it are great. We're all here to support each other. You absolutely can get off this stuff, and not only get off it, but live a life much more fulfilling than you had before! Get ready to Live, Laugh, and Love again!
  11. Sleep Paralysis

    I've had sleep paralysis several times throughout my life. There are entire forums dedicated to it, and there are so many wild theories on what it is, why it happens, and what it means. The last time I experienced sleep paralysis, I was wide awake, struggling to move ANY part of my body, when I heard a woman's voice to my left say my name. As soon as she said my name I was able to move again, and my head turned to see who it was, and standing over my bed was a woman in a white robe with short blond hair, she looked to be in her late 30's early 40's. She gave me a slight smile as if she was saying, "good, you can see me", then she turned around and walked towards my bedroom door, her body began to fade away and she was gone by time she reached the door. I wasn't scared at all by the experience at all. And here's the crazy part, I've talked to people who have had similar experiences and saw these people in white robes. I believe she was my spirit guide or guardian angel.
  12. One Word Status Update

    No energy for the first 30 minutes of the day. Moving around helped. Got a call for a job interview to work with kids who have autism, the universe my be starting to work for me instead of against me now that I'm not completely trapped in myself. About to drink a smoothy and hit the gym to help detox. And age is relative Z, 20 years from now you'll look back and see yourself as a young man! And Hackers was one of my favorite movies in the 90s!
  13. One Word Status Update

    First night without speed. Romantic Comidies are making me cry. But in a good way. Also: I forgot how good pizza is. You guys are awesome! Grateful for this forum!
  14. 10 pills left

    Thanks for the concern. However, the unfortunate reality for me is that there is no such thing as closing the door permanently through changing outside circumstances or creating safety measures. Believe me, I have tried them all.. I wish it worked like that for me! It's the equivalent of an alcoholic telling his bartender not to serve him anymore, it may work for a while, but eventually he's just going to find another bar if he wants to drink. And I will always find another doctor. And I do agree, definitely a half measure, but moreso out of avoiding the familiar guilt and shame that accompanies telling yet another person about my addiction who believed I was "normal". To hear the tone in their voice change, see the look on their face become different as they reevaluate who you are in their mind, then to feel the instant stigma of addiction being lowered like veil between you. No thankyou, I've had enough of those experiences with doctors and professionals over the years. Maybe for some people telling a doctor about their addiction is a big step, but I've done it so many times and it doesn't make the slightest difference if I allow myself to begin the relapse process. There will always be another bar, dealer, or doctor. It's about me, and taking care of my spiritual, mental, and emotional condition on daily basis. So for today, a voicemail saying that I would not be coming back is sufficient to end the relationship. It may be a half measure, but not having to go through the "I'm addicted and can't take this anymore" routine with yet another doctor is worth it for me today. So let's revisit this in a couple weeks, who knows, maybe by then, on the sheer principle of honesty and as act of humility, I may find it beneficial for my recovery and integrity to call the doctor and let him know the truth. Stranger things have happened! Lol!
  15. 10 pills left

    The bottle is empty. Although I'm sure at some point I'll do a search of the floor in an attempt to find a stray pill that doesn't exist. I Have some fruit ready to go my nutri-bullet to blend and drink as a smoothy. Taking fish oil with vitamin D3. Made a to-do list with 5 things on it for the day. Called my prescribing doctor and left a voicmail saying I wouldn't be coming back. I'll be in the gym later to do some walking on the treadmill then spend a good while in the sauna sweating this stuff out of my system. Going through this process is always a double edged sword for me. The "benefits" of adderall are no longer there, and it's painful. But on the other side the "costs" of adderall are no longer there either. No more constant fear of having a heart attack, thinking "is this the dose that's going to kill me?" , right before taking a pill. No more dishonesty or having to hide the addiction. No more anxious "stuck" feeling. And my true self gets to come back into the world. So today is the beginning of the next leg of my journey, to walk through my fears and settled back into alignment with my Purpose. Thank you to everyone who has helped me make (or sometimes NOT make!) decisions that have led me to back to recovery without taking Adderall. I'll let you know how I'm doing and I'll definitely need support as the days go on! Thanks!