Searching4Zara

I haven't posted my story yet for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I have not read a story more identical to my own until now, between the incredibly high dosages (esp for a thin female), the wasted hours of researching nonsense or doing the most absurd ideas thinking they make total sense. Not to mention the excessive shopping, being a mom (I am a single mom to make matters worse), going days without sleep or food. But most of all, like everyone here, I have wanted to stop so badly but the fear of withdrawal (I use diet pills or buy amps off the street when my 60mgXR a day script runs out). I was given adderall tor depression and that only makes w/d seem that much more scary! When the detox can cause suicidal depression and that's the reason you went on the med--- take it away and I have already been to the darkest places a mind can go- both on and off adderall. I started attempting to cut down my dose as I was reading all over the internet the months of crippling fatigue and other w/d symptoms at doses less than. 1/4 of mine. I know everyone is different but when 90mgs at once barely have an effect on you the thought of none (or the days spent in the past without none) were brutal. As much as the drug has ruined EVERY single aspect of my life and self including my physical and mental health and has turned me into nothing short of a hermit who barely leaves their house. The most troubling of all thought is my relationship with my (just turned 8 y/o) daughter. I am a horrible mother and it's so hard to admit that but it's true. We used to be close and go out and do things and now.... well, everything has changed. I know I can repair that relationship but the pain and guilt for what my poor child has had to witness and go through is unforgivable. And yet I can't stop for her either. I keep hoping this time will be different but lately it has been even worse, not even numbing my feelings like I relied on them for-- there is nothing good about what either of us are doing and I believe we both know that but then the issue is HOW to stop (rehab is not really an option for me) but also how to stay stopped. I was forced to quit about 6 months ago and about two weeks later I remember feeling lighter and happier and could feel some of my natural energy come back. I knew as I drove to fill my script it was the worst idea but of course I did it anyway. I have just as many promises to myself as I do empty bottles long before the end of each month. I have no choice but to do this and you seem to maybe feel that same desperation in spite of the fear of going off and living without adderall. I guess it comes down to not making more excuses as to when it will be a good time to quit--everyday is the best and worst day. But the day we do is the day we take our life back--- and ourselves for that matter. I am an empty shell of the empty shell of the person I once was and it's terrifying! Today I am going to try to make it through the day without anything and to take each day as it comes, I wish you the best in doing the same! You are not alone at all! I am so sorry for all you went through and for being in this awful place of addiction but there is hope for you and me and everyone here as so many, many talented, creative, famous and those like me who the world has not missed much since falling down this rabbit hole but who have come out on the other-side and are better people for it. Wishing you the best! - Zara

Hi! I am new to this site and so far I have just been lurking and reading the forums. I have yet to write an introductory post but this topic really caught my attention so I figured I might as well jump in while I have the courage to write. I apologize in advance if I unknowingly did not follow any rules by posting or within my writings. Briefly I will just say I am no stranger to drug addiction and this is not my first Adderall merry-go-round either, though it is by far the worst. I was put on Adderall by my (addictions specialist) psychaitrist a few years to help with severe (med resistant) Depression & PTSD symptoms. I thought I could handle the Adderall, especially because I prefer opiates but I was terribly wrong. My Dr. upped my dosage to a ridiclous amount for anyone, let alone a 5'8 110lb female. (I'm 33y/o) As the stories go, I began abusing pretty quickly to the point I can not remember the last time my 2--30mgXR pills lasted even close to the refill date or when 60mgs taken at once even had an effect on me. To be honest, I am very ashamed to even write the # of mgs I have been taking up until a couple days ago when I abruptly stopped for all the reasons mentioned on this website and more. As I mentioned, this is not the first time I have fallen in the Adderall trap. In the past, I never thought adults could be addicted to medications that are given to 4 year olds. The extensive research paper I wrote in college about the connection between Ritalin and Cocaine only persuaded me in taking a non-medicinal approach should I ever have children. I was in compete denial of the dangers, the abuse potiental and thought nothing of the fact that I had purposely (and eaisly) went to doctors soley for an amphetamine script. I honestly thought I was the only adult who popped Adderall--this kid "drug" all day. I prided myself for this "secret" super appetite suppressant I was convinced I unearthed which was like gold to an Anorexic. Conversly, when the negative effects of abuse began, I was too ashamed to admit I was really addicted to this "kid pill" so I never sought help---just switched addictions. I realize this post is quite verbose.....but I wrote all that because it was not until (years later) when I read one of the books on this list that I discovered I am not the only Adderall Addict in the world. Having very much related to her previous memior, Prozac Nation, I bought Elizabeth Wurtzel's new memior called "More Now and Again". I had no previous knowlege of the subject matter, but I enjoy reading and appreciate her as an author. Needless to say, I finished reading it in 2 days and was both shocked and relieved to learn I was not alone. Ironically, Wurtzel writes that she also believed Ritalin was an innocous "kid" pill and felt completely alone & ashamed in her addiction to Ritalin. Not too long ago, I read her book again but this time I was/am heavily addicted to Adderall. I read it during the past few months of not wanting to admit I was addicted to Adderall again, despite my life being more of a mess than when I was on herion and crack. I read it during the "trying to convince yourself it's not that bad" phase in which I would try to skip taking pills for a day. Without fail, every time I read that book I wouldn't finish 2 pages before I would take my pills. The days I had no connections and no script left, I wouldn't so much as look at that book. The book itself is amazingly written and I related (too much) to her feelings and behaviors so I would reccomend it to anyone who has just started taking amphetamines or to a loved one who wants to really see into the mind and life of an amphetamine addict. However, if you are fresh into recovery or easily triggered...it is the last book I would recommend reading. It does have the happy ending but honestly, write your own memior if you want to go back into this addiction and make some money instead of risking your sobriety/life. Just my 2 cents.....not worth much I know but as much as I love that book, I felt it best to throw a word of caution out there.....sorry for all the misspellings & too tired to edit Thanks for reading this all the way through....I hope to get to know you all soon! I am so happy to have found this website, but sad for everything you all went through. I hope to contribute more and have some support/accountability during this detox and especially when I feel better and " just this once" sounds like a good idea! ~Zara PS- I agree 100% about her book Bitch--it's clearly the incoherent ramblings and irrational arguements of someone on speed!