sleepystupid

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  1. this is really strong work- congratulations!!!! (: i can't even imagine what 17 years of adderall does to a person's fundamental human qualities, but here's what i do know: "treading water" is a very normal feeling! most people at one point or another in their lives have the same experience. the difference for us is that we have this additional experience of a pill that seems to magically fix the water treading. as we've all come to realize, it's not true, but it's impossible to un-know how amphetamines feel. that also means that all of the things and activities you've truly enjoyed while on adderall may not feel as satisfying anymore (for a while anyway). i definitely struggled around the 1 year mark with trying to get back into things i enjoyed, but it would always be a constant comparison to how it felt on adderall. but that's okay- maybe that thing you're ready for is to try something completely new, an experience that adderall has never touched or influenced?
  2. One Word Status Update

    grateful. (for all things i have, and all the chances i've been given. things could be much worse) and at the same time... guilty. (for wasting these things and not being as successful as i could)
  3. Vision Changes

    haven't experienced this myself, but here's an interesting explanation on the physiological effects of amphetamine on vision: https://drugs-forum.com/wiki/Stimulant_induced_blurred_vision
  4. Update (it’s good this time!)

    this is great news!!!! congrats on taking that first step and coming clean. it's immensely difficult to do. (: if i recall correctly, you're in school right? are you on summer break? any plans for the next semester or looking for a job? the next few months are going to be rough, so you should start strategizing as soon as possible.
  5. WE ARE ON DAY 3!!

    totally know what you mean. it's definitely a double-edged sword! i think the thing to keep in mind about recovering from amphetamines though is that it will not provide the immediate and tangible results your personality is craving. this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. sure- within a week or two, you won't feel like sleeping 20 hours a day, but honestly the real difficult part starts after that. you'll still have to start doing all the normal human being things you're expected to do, but there will be no feeling of reward in doing them for some time. this is why it's important to not push yourself, and to temper your expectations. you have a lot of positive energy right now, and that's awesome! you should capitalize on it by putting into motion some good routines like exercising and diet. keep us posted- this is the best decision of your life (:
  6. I have reached a new level of addiction

    i wish i had better advice on disconnecting the sex stuff. for me, it was kind of a natural disconnection because when i stopped taking adderall i lost a dramatic amount of interest in a lot of things, sex included. i was still having it, but didn't start enjoying it again for a couple of months. that could also be very different for males and females. it sounds like you simply haven't been off adderall long enough to let this natural disconnection happen. you really need to stay off this stuff for at least a month, then reassess your thoughts on sex. i think you said in an earlier post that the longest you were off it was 3 months last year. what drove you back? was it sex? the bottom line is this: you'll probably have to not enjoy sex for a while. but i think this is a fair trade to save your life.
  7. Cold Turkey or Taper Down

    i think it depends how you define " very excessive adderall use". what "very excessive" sounds like to me is a lack of self-control, which means tapering is probably not going to work unless you have someone else dispense your pills as @EricP suggested. that's nothing to be ashamed of though. most of us are here because of a lack of self-control. cold turkey will certainly be more brutal, but unfortunately it's the only option for some of us. FWIW, on days i used to take less adderall than what i was used to, i'd feel worse than if i didn't take any at all, but that effect may depend once again on how much you were taking. gl!
  8. TWO YEARS :)

    ^ this, this, this!! (: so happy for you, congrats on 2 years!
  9. i think its fair to say that there aren't any shortcuts to rewiring your brain when it comes to things that require discipline- chores, work, etc. this is simply a matter of teaching yourself that reward comes after work, not before. but when it comes to pleasurable things like hobbies and interests, i think that focusing on new experiences can be a lot more rewarding than struggling to enjoy things that you used to enjoy on adderall. it's probably especially tough for you given how long you were on adderall, it might seem like some of the core things about your personality and interests are "gone". i would say for the time being, let them go and try to exploit the natural excitement of novelty in life (:
  10. 4 months clean but struggling with after effects

    first of all, congrats on 4 months!! you're past the first major hurdle of acute withdrawal, and hopefully your energy levels are stabilizing. 5 months to 1 year is unfortunately a pretty tough period. it can also be somewhat scary because things like communication that have always been effortless seem broken. that struggle with getting your point across is a very well documented experience on this forum. i struggled with writing and presenting greatly and spent a lot of time looking up words early on. the best advice i can give for things like interviews is to rehearse, rehearse and rehearse more. write out your story, use a thesaurus and keep improving it. the more of this script you internalize, the less you'll have to improvise (which is dreaded part). it's going to be a challenge. there's no way to sugar-coat that, but you haven't ruined any chances. in fact, in quitting adderall, you have given yourself the ultimate chance to truly succeed in life (:
  11. Joe Rogan - Why We Sleep

    yea, i've definitely gravitated away from music to podcasts and audiobooks (non-fiction at that). driving for an hour plus everyday starts to feel like a waste of time if you're just listening to music lol
  12. I have reached a new level of addiction

    specifically regarding the sex obsession, i totally get it. as i've mentioned in other posts, this became almost 90% of my focus during binges at some point. it led to some dark places. it's a super dangerous stage to be in because the "sexual you" is MUCH harder to control than the "rational you". i would say that if you can disconnect the sex from the adderall, then you would have a much clearer mind about quitting. i recognize that this is extraordinarily difficult given that we are at the core sexual beings, but i think you already realize how much of a compounding effect it is having on your addiction.
  13. Joe Rogan - Why We Sleep

    don't know if the was already posted, but this episode is epic. sleep scientist Matthew Walker talks about how critical sleep is, and how dangerous it is to not have it. the TLDR? if you're getting less than 7 hours of sleep a night, you're doing some pretty serious damage. 7 hours?! back when i was on adderall i would be awake for 5 days at a time. im totally mortified at how much damage i was probably doing to myself. not that i was completely unaware, but this really puts everything in context from a physiological standpoint. fuck adderall.
  14. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't

    FWIW, i think you're catastrophizing a bit. listen, you already got through the hardest part- getting your degree and graduating. the bar exam is a tough exam. i have many friends that studied their asses off and still failed the first time. they were devastated, but they got over it, studied their asses off again and eventually passed. my understanding is that for most states, there is technically no limit to the number of attempts. i don't know how long you were using or how long you've been clean, but with enough time your mental faculties will return. that thing about remembering common words? i made this exact same post a couple of years ago. it was frightening that i couldn't retrieve the most basic of words sometimes. it gets better, i promise. you said the adderall isn't even helping anymore. it means you're just using it as an emotional crutch because you feel inadequate. it may help you feel more "connected" with the world, but we all know it's not a real connection.