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  1. Finally quitting after 4 years

    while it is true that you will probably do nothing around the house for a while (which is okay), having a kid is actually going to help you through this whole thing. Adderall recovery is exponentially worse when you don't have any responsibility to FORCE you into doing stuff. love for your children will always be stronger than recovery blues, i promise (:
  2. A Call For Help: I'm Crippled by this Addiction

    hi @Slim33 first of all, you did the right thing by coming here and sharing your story. as you can probably tell, it is not unlike many of our's. i'm sorry to say that you have crossed a line with amphetamine wherein you will never receive the same magical effects again. here's the thing though - Adderall is not supposed to feel magical for those who "truly" need it. most people mistake the euphoria for the improved focus and attention the drug is meant to deliver. this is why the most dangerous association to make is, "the drugs are working, i MUST have ADHD!" now, i'm not saying you don't have ADD. you very well could have had difficulty concentrating before all these pills. that's a question only you can answer. regardless, the problem now is that you have abused the medication past a point of no return. if you think your abuse is bad now having to sneak around your parents, just imagine once you go to school and there is no supervision. let me tell you what's going to happen if you continue: you may Adderall your way into a prestigious school, then realize the workload is even MORE than high school (it is). now there's NO WAY you can quit Adderall because you have this awesome opportunity and don't want to ruin your life. you'll increase the dose, lose sleep, perhaps start drinking heavily to offset it, and ruin your life anyway. even if you somehow manage to get through college, you'll Adderall yourself into a job that you don't want to fuck up, etc. etc. until you're ten years deep and you don't even know who you are off of Adderall anymore. there will never be a perfect time to quit. the perfect time to quit is actually now, before you ship off to college. do it now while you have the support of your family. trust me when i say that going to a prestigious school means nothing a few years into your career. what will matter is your passion and work ethic, things that Adderall will rob from you. please keep us posted - you're too young to fuck your life up so soon.
  3. hi @Jelly welcome to the forums. i've definitely had this feeling before as well. with Adderall, it's a very aggressive, prideful, egotistical jealousy - like: "who does this person think they are being better than me? i can do THAT too, and even better!" but overtime as the Adderall turns on you, it becomes: "HOW can these people be better than me without even taking Adderall?" and finally the place you don't want to get to: "i'm a failure even with tons of Adderall - there's no hope for me." i think there's also some merit to the dopamine illusion - similar to alcohol. are you still taking Adderall? my guess is that if you're on these forums, you're starting to question whether the things you feel now are really you anymore. these drugs really change who you are and unfortunately it takes too long for some people to see that. sounds like you're asking the right questions now though.
  4. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    it seems so. i don't recall whether this is actually a CAT scan specifically
  5. Podcast, nazi and methamphetamines

    if you have money you can get away with far worse. https://www.cnn.com/2013/12/11/us/texas-teen-dwi-wreck/index.html ironically, this kid's defense was that he had too much money to be responsible for his actions.
  6. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    depends on how you define value. if you're paying for this out of pocket and it's going to cost you a few hundred bucks, then i'd suggest considering the value more carefully. haven't been to a neurologist myself, but seems like others here have had pretty unremarkable results ("everything looks fine") with a dash of ignorance about long-term amphetamine withdrawal. if you've got great insurance and you feel like a bill of clean health will calm your worries, then go for it! couldn't hurt right? (:
  7. All of you should do journaling

    this is excellent advice - writing is perhaps the most effective therapeutic activity that everyone acknowledges but few actually do i am admittedly lazy with my writing these days, but something that helped me tremendously in the past was a site called https://750words.com/ don't worry - you don't actually have to write 750 words a day lol, but the awesome thing about this platform is that it actually tracks and analyzes your writing (not in a creepy way) so you can see common feelings, themes and mindsets that emerge from your entries. first month is free, after that it's $5, but its totally worth it!
  8. Relapsed after more than four months

    @neveragain sorry to hear about your relapse, but it's not the end of the world. you said yourself that you're not even enjoying the drug - that's a good sign! well said. this is the conflict at the heart of amphetamine addiction, though i'd add that you don't stay productive forever. if you've abused it heavily for a number of years, you're probably already taking way too much and not getting anything out of it. i relapsed after 2 years clean, thinking my tolerance would be down, that i'd be able to control my usage, that it had been so long that maybe the magic would be back... nope. went right back to slamming it. right back to 100s of mgs a day, almost immediately. it will never be different the next time.
  9. Relapsed after more than four months

    yup. i still get these dreams occasionally, and you're right - they feel great. this is part of what i mean when i say you can't un-know the feeling. stay vigilant my friends.
  10. though your story is very saddening, it is awesome to hear that you have found peace in a higher purpose (: wish you the best of luck in college and monastery - keep us posted on your progress!
  11. 14 months. Help!

    hi @Madd first of all, congratulations on 14 months! that's no easy feat, especially after a decade of use! that's a hard question to answer, but given your length of use, i'd say you're still in "active" recovery. it would be fair to say that "still recovering" will be the cause of general apathy and depression within the first 2 years or so. but that doesn't mean you won't have good days - it just means that you may have more bad days than good days for a while. brain chemistry aside, i also believe that one of the lingering effects of Adderall is that it makes us "expect" relief or happiness to just happen all of a sudden so that we can move on with our lives. in fact, it seems that the opposite is true - you need to force yourself to move on in order to earn happiness. (easier said than done - right, i know.) here's another way i've tried to think of it: constantly checking whether you "feel better" is self-defeating because feeling better could simply be a result of doing things to distract you from feeling shitty. eventually you distract yourself with enough things to forget about being in recovery, at which point you're recovered! (:
  12. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    ask yourself - what benefit is that exactly? i know what it is for me - i like getting high. that's about it, and i suspect it is for you too. i'll be honest - i'm still "addicted" to immediate gratification (video games, binge eating, porn, etc.), but maybe i've always been. i still struggle greatly with goal planning and long term commitments.. but i'm functional, social (enough) and emotionally stable. those things alone are reason enough to stay off Adderall. not sure i have the answer to the discipline problem (i'm the worst) but i know Adderall isn't it.
  13. Finally Opened My Eyes

    yea, the double life thing can be a total mind fuck. at first you don't really notice (or care) about the divergence between your "outside" and "inside" life. then it gets to the point where you start lying to friends and loved ones about your inside life (no i DIDN'T just spend all weekend sleeping! no Mom, I'm not starving myself! ) eventually, your inside life spills out to the surface and you can no longer hide it, but you sure as hell try to deny it.
  14. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    i'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like a miserable job experience! coming back to my earlier point about distorted perception, is it possible that you enforced these behaviors on yourself, even though it was never actually expected of you? there's no way an employer should be able to restrict bathroom breaks or encourage people not to take lunch breaks! distorted expectations - a very common theme with Adderall abuse.
  15. yup. totally this. most other hard drugs are associated with checking-out of life. Adderall is the completely opposite - you start taking it to check-in to life more than you ever have. we're not just addicted to the drug, we're addicted to the idea that there's a pill that can help us achieve our dreams of success.