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  1. Dexedrine - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

    hi @correctfigure welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story - i'm sorry to hear that dex robbed you of some great college experiences. thankfully, it sounds like that's about the extent of the damage you've done thus far, so NOW is the time to make a permanent commitment to quit. you've already graduated to binge use regularly, which effectively means you will never be able to go back to any kind of controlled usage (not that controlled usage is all that much better). you yourself admit that the dex no longer improves your productivity or really anything. believe me when i tell you: it will never go back to the way it was. the magic is gone, it's time to move on - there's no better opportunity than now when the whole world is on pause! as @quit-once suggested, you should take some time to consider a proper plan rather than treating this time as a "long break". thinking of this time as a break is dangerous, you aren't forced to deal with the problem and put into place better habits and support structures. gl and keep us posted (:
  2. How is it dating without adderall?

    to be honest, dating might have been the key to my successful recovery. right around the time that i quit, i had started dating a new girl and, having ruined my previous long-term relationship with Adderall, i had no intention of fucking this one up. it was honestly the push i needed to finally make the decision. this was of course my personal experience, and YMMV, but you know that giddy, thrilling energy you have in the first few months of a relationship? turns out it's the perfect cure to recovery blues! it's a type of energy you honestly can't tap into normally. it's the thrill of falling in love - it magically overpowers the fatigue, depression, everything when your around that person. i honestly don't think i would have succeeded without that element in my life at that time. (:
  3. hi @MahomeboyKC welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to join us on the other side (: your concerns are completely valid. what you're experiencing is a fundamental existential crisis that Adderall creates because it is so hugely impactful on the way you think about everything. as you say, it's not just your work ethic or judgement - it's also what you enjoy doing, who you enjoy being around - basically everything. this was also one of the primary concerns that led me to quitting. it felt like there was an entirely different person living my Adderall life, but nothing that guy did really added any value to the "real me". the problem was the "real me" was so far gone and suppressed that i wasn't even sure he existed anymore. i'm sure you've read up on the acute withdrawal stuff (fatigue, depression, etc) - the first 90 days or so is more a battle of will power than anything. it is after this that the real challenge begins. i don't mean to scare you, but you may find that the person off the drug is a LOT different than the person on the drug (especially after a decade of use). this can be terrifying, but the quicker you accept this and embrace it as an opportunity for change, the better off you will be. i often think that the word "recovery" is a bit misleading. when you think of the upcoming challenge as a "return" to normal, you actually fall into the trap of waiting around and comparing everything to how it felt on Adderall. if instead you think of it as a re-creation or re-discovery of yourself, you can potentially avoid a lot of the frustration and feelings of hopelessness. do you have a plan in mind? a cut-off date? can you take some time off in the beginning?
  4. Maybe I haven't lost my mind

    word salad! yea, this was the scariest side-effect post quitting for me. it literally felt like i had permanently damaged my communication systems - but as you've already discovered, it does come back (: congrats on a month clean! keep on keeping on
  5. First Day Back to Work

    congrats man! i think you will find very quickly how capable you really are, and this realization will give you proof without a doubt that you don't need a pill to be great. (:
  6. Quarantine relapse (3rd month now…)

    hi @brooklynuser thanks for sharing your story, and hope you're staying safe over there! the quarantine sucks for sure, and i can imagine how challenging it makes your current situation. i confess, i'm a little confused about your current state of usage. so when you say "relapse", it sounds like you mean you're going from normal prescribed dose to abuse? i definitely see how being stuck at home all day can exacerbate's the thing - even if you manage to control your use and maintain "normal" usage, you're basically doing the same amount of damage to yourself in the long-term. the best case scenario if you continue using? fast forward 3 years from now, the Adderall isn't working the same way it used to, but your life and responsibilities continue to increase. the magic is gone and you're just left with this burden of a pill that doesn't help but if you stop taking it you become useless. you regret not quitting earlier. worst case scenario? you're abuse gets worse, you fuck up your life and bottom-out. you regret not quitting earlier. as you can see, both scenarios are no good. there is no better time than NOW while you have a built in excuse to avoid most social encounters! take advantage of this time and kick the habit before it becomes worse, and much harder to quit down the road. you know this to be true, that's why your here. gl and keep us updated (:
  7. To fill or not to fill

    i think the better question to ask yourself is what possible emergency would you need them for? IF (big if lol) there truly were such an emergency, wouldn't taking a pill to get through it be an admission that you are incapable of doing it normally? you need to stop thinking of Adderall as a tool - there is NOTHING you NEED Adderall to do for you!!! tear that script up and never look back.
  8. can't do it

    @dolssa don't give up! you're at such a crucial turning point - like @m34 said, 6 months is in one of those transitional phases where you still have more bad days than good - but you KNOW when you're having a good day. slowly you will have more good days than bad, but that takes time. honestly what's the alternative? if you feel pressured to take Adderall just to hang out with family and friends, imagine being pressured at work! it's a never ending cycle, and it's not sustainable. stay strong and keep on keeping on (:
  9. hi @LostMyMind welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to share your story and reclaim your life! it seems to be a fairly common experience that doctors don't have a good understanding of stimulant cessation (which means they shouldn't be prescribing it to begin with, but that's a different issue altogether). as you've probably gathered from posts on this forum, tapering isn't often recommended, especially for those of us who have abused the medication. frankly it requires *more* discipline than just cold turkey, because you still have access to it! regarding Wellbutrin, it can certainly help, though YMMV. i took it for a few years after quitting Adderall - it is an atypical antidepressant with stimulant properties, but i'd be hard pressed to say it felt like a stimulant, at least at the dosages i took (150mg or less a day). it is a very subtle effect, well tolerated medication, you don't feel like shit when you miss a dose, and coming off it cold turkey is safe and not uncomfortable. the concerns around seizure are fair but generally noted at doses > 300mg (which is the normal adult dosage). i think Wellbutrin is most effective in the first few months for dealing with the acute symptoms of withdrawal (extreme fatigue, lethargy, etc.). i don't think it helps too much with PAWS or long term recovery challenges - i probably stayed on it longer than i needed to. good luck and keep us posted! (:
  10. Relapse pt. VI

    haha - yes there's just no better way to describe recovery! i think words matter a lot, and the way we use them too. i specifically like the word "sleepy" because it acknowledges the lack of energy, but also that sleep is awesome! i enjoy being sleepy but i hate being exhausted. glad to hear you're feeling better - keep on keeping on (:
  11. Relapse pt. VI

    sorry to hear about your relapse - finals period is tough enough on its own, much less doing it while suffering through withdrawals. is there any possibility of taking a semester off? maybe during that time you can just take some elective classes or something to put into a place a better work habit / routine? you can also maybe try studying/working in some place public like a cafe - i find just the energy of people buzzing about helps a little (plus the smell of coffee!!!). i honestly wish i had better advice for you on school matters but i ended up dropping out of grad school due to my addiction, loans for which i am STILL paying back without even having the degree. its a bummer, but i'm fine and successful despite that so it's not the end of the world. hang in there friend - it's worth the fight!
  12. so ask yourself - is your career or life ever going to become less stressful in the future? i'm guessing the answer to that is no. it's quite simple - there will never be an "easier" point at which to quit Adderall than NOW while you have over a month sober! (:
  13. First post-adderall work win!

    woo! ride the wave! (: i truly believe that recovering means a series of these kinds of events - proving to yourself that you don't need Adderall to succeed. thanks for sharing!
  14. Reassurance needed

    hi @bellavore congratulations on finally deciding to live your life! i lol'd a little - not because it's funny necessarily, but i know exactly what this feels like. in a way it's great, no? these are your emotions flooding back. sometimes it can be scary, and other times kind of amusing! but either way, it is a good sign. hopefully your S/O knows what you're going through so you have some support through this? no doubt it is scary, but mostly when you are thrust into a situation like work or some other public commitment, i have found that it's easier to shuffle through the day than you think. it will not be fun, and it will not go by quickly, but you may be pleasantly surprised that the real world doesn't actually demand as much from you as Adderall does. Adderall often makes us feel like we need to over perform everything. if you have the opportunity to just stick to some low key repetitive work, take advantage of that for sure! it will definitely get easier over time, but just remember that there's nothing wrong with doing the bare minimum for a while. gl on your first day and let us know how it went (:
  15. yes ^this! one of the most powerful things said to me in my whole addiction/recovery process was "you don't have to win anything - it's okay to just live." (: