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  1. non adderall users will never understand

    this all sounds like TREMENDOUS improvement!! I'm so sorry that your mother's comment robbed you of that accomplishment, but I think you've rightly recognized that it's not really her fault. our addiction is definitely unique, and the long term effects are seriously misunderstood. Pharm companies and doctors do a very good job of marketing Adderall as a "medication", but we all know it's just pharmaceutical speed. If you were addicted to "drugs", I'm sure your mother would never encourage continued use! hang in there - things are going to get A LOT better this year (:
  2. Eight Years

    @hyper_critical this is awesome, and just what people need to hear! when you're early in your recovery process, it's so hard to envision a future that's in fact better than anything Adderall could have delivered. I think something really important to consider is that even if you accomplish things on stimulants, you don't feel good about it. it feels like someone else really did the work. thanks for sharing your continued success (:
  3. huge step back at over a year clean

    @dolssa first of all, congrats on a year!! this relapse doesn't erase all the great work you've done, so don't beat yourself up over it. it is very telling that that within 2 weeks of restarting Adderall, it's already a regretful, negative experience. unfortunately this won't stop the addict in your mind from rationalizing to stay alive. you need to listen to your heart on this on this one. listen to the version of you that's literally crying over this. you've been on this forum long enough to know that people make HUGE progress throughout their 2nd and 3rd years. give yourself that time, don't worry about "accomplishing things". 26 is so young - you have SO MUCH TIME to accomplish things! but when you do, you want to know that it was YOU not the pill, right? (:
  4. One Word Status Update


    oops I forgot about this last month lol - BUT I SHALL START TODAY! dry April - i'll keep yall posted
  6. One Word Status Update

  7. this this this!!!! life is too short to wallow in regret! for those still struggling: just keep moving forward, even if forward means a different thing than it used to for you.

    its crazy how obviously everyone see's the monster that we fail to see while we're strung out on speed! so glad to hear things are on the up & up for you. @LILTEX41 i'm doing pretty well (all things considered), though I have some life circumstances that have kind of stalled my progress to the "next stage". its not a bad thing necessarily but I'm kind of stuck in bachelor mode for another year or so lol. its nice because I still have a lot of time to myself, but has seen my alcohol and weed consumption go up quite dramatically. its crazy how quickly you can go from drinking a couple of nights a week to every night, immediately after logging out of work. i think i need a dry month to reset!! regarding the slowness around here, I know that activity kind of fluctuates pretty regularly, but I wonder if this time it coincides with the lockdowns and many people working from home? Adderall is the kind of addiction that is perfectly happy to be home all day with little to no supervision from bosses or interruptions from co-workers (or people, or family or basically anything!)

    this is awesome news - congratulations!!! things are a little slow around here lately, but that's indirectly a good thing? lol looking forward to hearing about this exciting project!
  10. One Word Status Update

  11. Day 8 after 10 years of stimulants

    hi @TheRealBigfoot welcome to the forums! congrats on finally taking the plunge - 10 years is a long time! certainly, it is going to take some time for your natural energy levels to return, but you'll feel progress along the way. first couple of months you'll feel like a zombie, then staying awake through the day will become easier but your energy will be unfocused. learn to recognize and appreciate the small but decisive steps, challenge yourself when you feel ready (that fence project seems perfect!). don't worry about "losing" weight - eat healthy, but eat enough that you're satisfied. just listen to what your body wants for a while till your past the initial hump! (: gl and keep us posted!
  12. 2 years clean after 11 years of use!!

    totally this^! another thing along the same lines - consider quitting social media for a while. everyone posts the best versions of themselves and when you're feeling really shitty about yourself, it can easily lead you to a spiral of comparison and shame. curious whether you had the insulin resistance tested and diagnosed? I had the same suspicions for some time, also some related diabetic symptoms like swelling of hands and feet. I never got tested but I think I'm fine, though I still have a bad GI system and lots of bloating (mainly from spicy foods which I used to be able to eat no problem). I am not sure of the specific metabolic mechanisms at work, but I do believe that years of stimulants will have some lasting impact. wish I had more concrete advice on this, but I suspect that we simply need to work harder than normal for a while!
  13. Cleaning up adderall-messes at 15-months clean

    hi @LuLamb this certainly could be PAWS. i've experienced similar types of anxiety attacks, months after quitting, though I liken it more to a mild PTSD effect. I also had a very specific trigger for the episodes: it would be when I was driving down a certain stretch of road on the way home from work, and suddenly my mind would flood with all these anxious thoughts, worrying that there tons of things I'm forgetting about that are piling up (unpaid bills, errands, IMPORTANT SHIT!). in reality, I was doing pretty okay. I think part of the problem is that we don't let ourselves truly believe that we're okay. there's some lingering sense of "residual damage", its almost like your subconscious doesn't trust your conscious mind that everything is okay. It may be that deep down you're still waiting for a sign (like a big accomplishment or win) to truly feel normal again. those anxiety attacks subsided for me once I had firmly convinced myself that I was "recovered". that said, if the anxiety is crippling or interfering with your progress, you could see a doctor about it but be careful with prescriptions - anti-anxiety and benzos are often MORE addictive than stimulants! hope you feel better, you've made such amazing progress (:
  14. 2yrs

    @m34 this is awesome! congratulations!!!! this is such a terrific attitude, but also so honest. it's a recognition that there is still room to improve, which is frankly true for ALL people, not just us addicts and users. that recognition, that I'm now facing challenges that everyone faces, made me feel "normal" again. it's a huge win and helps you shift your focus from recovery to just plain ole self-improvement (:
  15. Weight Gain/Body Image

    i'd be curious to hear about your results - i had tremendous bloating for a while after, but at the time I chalked it up to poor eating habits. I can say with certainty that my GI system even today is not what it used to be (but maybe that's just age as well ). weight gain is something that I neglected the first few years of my recovery, and it wasn't until recently that I really recognized the impact it's had - it might be solely responsible for the social anxiety that I currently have, particularly when interacting with people who last knew me 40 pounds lighter! my weight has definitely stabilized, though at a much higher level than i'd like - working out at home is okay, but I'm definitely looking forward to gyms openings again (: