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  1. Social vs Socially Awkward

    the thing i found weird about social interaction and adderall was that it did both for me: made me enjoy being social but also anti-social. i think the best way to summarize the effect is that i only enjoyed being social when it was on my terms. chatting online endlessly? loved it. i was in control of that interaction. friend calls to hang out? pass. to be honest, i'm not so different now, just to a very different degree!
  2. Letting Go Completely

    go back and read your first post here. were they really "good old days"? adderall ruined your life, bankrupted you and sent you to the hospital. despite all that, we all know how hard it is to ignore the voice that says "if you just take a LITTLE, we can get shit back on track!". the one constant in my recovery process has been knowing that my usage will never change. it won't be different the next time. i relapsed after over 2 years, and went right back to week long binges. it's like Jekyll and Hyde - your thoughts seem reasonable now, but the moment you're high, all that shit goes out the window. i'm an addict and a binge user. so were you. it won't be different the next time. once you truly come to terms with this, the urges have no power over you.
  3. Things better than a high?

    this may sound kind of facetious, but quite simply: EATING AND SLEEPING (: there was also this thread a while back that may help.
  4. Early Warning Signs

    the earliest warning sign was probably convincing myself to get my own prescription. i remember the internal struggle i had, knowing FULL WELL the potential for addiction. i just figured that was my price to pay to achieve commercial success as an artist. i willingly submitted myself to addiction. the next warning sign was when i began combining and experimenting with over-the-counter highs when i ran low on adderall. i would take OTC ephedrine, benzedrex, basically anything i could get my hands on. i very likely could have killed myself on multiple occasions doing so. the next warning sign (and probably the worst) was realizing that i could entirely avoid the comedowns by simply binging until my body could no longer stay awake. this was when it all went very downhill, lol.
  5. Finally quit--Day 8

    the concept of the "adderall-created life" is a very real one. it's like you spend years on this drug crafting what you believe to be the ultimate life, only to realize that the person you created it for no longer exists. when you decide to return to that person, you realize you don't even WANT that life the adderall person created for you. it's an absolute psychological mess for sure. i too was a creatively driven daydreamer back then. Mike has written some fantastic articles on the main site about why our personality profiles are more susceptible to an adderall addiction, but i think it has to do with this sense of an unfulfilled dream--a dream that for one reason or another has been suppressed. we become addicted because adderall suddenly makes us feel powerful enough to accomplish those dreams AND handle our regular lives. it doesn't feel like a drug addiction because you're not getting "high" and wasting away, quite the opposite! as you've experienced though, the flip side is that it literally changes who you are as a person. that dream becomes warped, twisted, sometimes even replaced altogether in a whirlwind of speed fueled obsessions. if somehow you actually manage to achieve that goal, the victory is bittersweet as you realize it wasn't you who got there. anyway... congratulations on almost 2 weeks!!! as others have said, embrace all the emotions that are now assaulting you. sure, you may have lost a few years to speed, but you're young and have plenty of years ahead of you to redefine what happiness means to you. (:
  6. When did you know you'd made the right decision?

    would you mind clarifying this: you had severe ADHD before you started taking Adderall? or is the baseline you're referring to post-Adderall? this is a pretty important distinction, because if you have had severe ADHD your entire life and you need medication to function, there may be some other options you can discuss with your doctor. there are varying opinions on this board regarding the "true" nature of ADHD, but i'm of the opinion that there does exist a population of people that can barely tie their shoelaces together without the aid of medication. i don't want to make an assumption about your condition and life, which is why i was asking. that being said, if you were functional enough before Adderall to graduate high-school, get into college, live a fairly normal life.. that is a state that you can absolutely return to with enough time.
  7. Has anyone had an easy time quitting adderall..

    this is a really interesting question, and i'm tempted to say "yes, it was easier cause of this." not easier with things like energy, depression, anhedonia.. but i was at a stage of abuse that was killing me, and i also came to accept that i will never be able to control my usage. these two things combined were so much more powerful than the urge to use. a few other things that helped: having a good but not demanding job, starting a new relationship, taking Wellbutrin, family support.
  8. Relapse

    sorry to hear this Sean - i too relapsed around the 20 month mark. seems to be a common point of difficulty for many of us, so don't beat yourself up over this. i know that you already know speed is not the answer. you also already know that any relief you're experiencing is temporary. you don't need a lecture on these things, but you mention love being a hugely complicating factor and i can definitely relate. love is such a messy thing. at the height of my addiction, i was still deeply in love with my ex. she had helped me through my first attempt at quitting, but i think that experience really drained her. when i relapsed and she found out, that was honestly the end of our relationship, but i wouldn't come to terms with that for another couple of years. i think she continued seeing me out of guilt or pity, but as i grew more in love with her she grew out of love with me. i remember thinking to myself that "she always takes pictures of things, and i always take pictures of her." i don't think it was her intention to hurt me, but that's what it felt like at the time in my warped speed-addled brain. no one can ever know the true nature of another's relationships, but what i can say with certainty is that there is someone out there waiting for you. you may not have met them yet, but they exist. i know this because meeting my current gf was the catalyst for my entire recovery. yes - love is messy and painful, but it also has tremendous power to motivate and heal. i'm not saying that you should stay clean for someone else, but when you hate yourself enough to give up, knowing that you're the best in the world at making that person happy is so powerful. you may not be ready to get out there and find that person just yet, but for now just believe that it will happen. there will be love again in your future, and i truly truly believe that it can heal all wounds. (:
  9. Sober November

    @Frank B almost a full month now, how do you feel? funny you mention the 2-3 beer buzz thing, i very recently found myself doing this a few times a week, i can see how it can become quite habitual lol
  10. Doing it for real this time

    hi Chet19, i dont particularly have a feel good story either, but i just wanted to remind you that you graduated with honors from undergrad without Adderall. that was all you! sure, it may not have been demanding in the same way a job can be (because as a student you're only responsible to yourself), but it surely required a strong work ethic. you may not have been taking more than your prescribed dose, but consistently taking it for 2 years is no joke. it will take some time for your brain chemistry to balance itself out, but it sounds like your capable enough to weather the storm and keep your job. if you find yourself struggling at work, something to consider: if you've been a superstar for the last 2 years, then you likely have a good enough relationship with your supervisor to have an conversation with him/her. it doesn't need to be a completely honest one if you're not comfortable with that, but maybe a heads up that you're going through some stuff and if it seems that you're not performing at full capacity, that's why. good luck and stay close to these forums! (:
  11. Going on week 3

    hi Gloombloom, welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing! so glad you recognized the dangers of this drug early enough to course correct. if you don't mind me asking, when you were initially prescribed, do you think it was an accurate diagnosis or were you just looking to try it out? it's still so shocking how ignorant doctors are of the dependency issues amphetamines cause. it definitely sucks having lost a good friend, but Adderall would have led you down a road to potentially losing your kid too. good job, and keep the positivity up! (:
  12. PAWS? Or too early?

    totally been there - i've crawled around my floors looking for stray pills on occasion. it does feel pretty pathetic lol, but i'm able to look back on these things now with a sense of humor. you'll get there too, congrats on 2 weeks!!! (:
  13. 1 month clean, having issues. Input appreciated!

    that's a very hard question to answer. you're relatively young, only used for 2 years @ 20mg a day and you've already tapered down to some degree. i'd say 3 months until the PAWS effects aren't crippling at least, maybe a year till you feel like yourself again.
  14. 1 month clean, having issues. Input appreciated!

    i've had some friends report this same kind of persistent anxiety from smoking weed, that seemingly happened out of nowhere. honestly it took them a while to enjoy it again, and even that at a reduced capacity (not necessarily a bad thing). that being said, this isn't as uncommon as you'd think. i find that if i'm in a bad place, state of mind, or otherwise negative mood, smoking weed will amplify those feelings. i'm sure you've experienced this to some degree in the past. now, quitting Adderall means your mind is going through the most severe psychological experience it has ever gone through. it is quite literally a traumatic biological and chemical imbalance that you cannot think or reason your way out of. a break from smoking weed is definitely needed here, especially if you wish to enjoy it again in the future! you can also maybe try vaping it instead of smoking it for a less intense high. the depression, depersonalization, anhedonia... all very common effects of post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). there are already some great posts and articles on the main site that discuss this so i won't get into that, but if you're still using Modafinil i would suggest stopping that as well. it is certainly a different drug from amphetamine, but im skeptical about the claim of being "safer than Adderall". sure - it may be safer from a physiological standpoint, less taxing on the body, etc... but the potential for psychological addiction is similar. you will eventually become dependent on it, and i'm not even sure that it provides any relief for true ADHD symptoms (it is mostly prescribed for sleep disorders). it is still a very dangerous path.
  15. it took me 4 or 5 serious (more than 30 days clean) attempts to finally stay quit. at the end of my 6 year addiction i was taking anywhere from 100 - 200 mgs a day, though it was hard to calculate as the binge would last 92 hours or so without sleep. my eyes were constantly red, i had blood caked in my nostrils, i would sweat profusely no matter the temperature, my heart rate was out of control, my limbs would go numb, my joints and muscles ached, my hygiene was non-existent.. Adderall was killing me. early on in my addiction, i used to joke about all the horror stories people posted, about taking hundreds of mgs and barely functioning. lol i used to think "man, i'd be the fucking president of the universe if i were taking that much Adderall. these people are all noobs!" during the honeymoon phase, its almost impossible to imagine actually popping a pill and feeling worse than normal. congratulations on 2 months!! these past couple of weeks don't erase the strong work you've done to get to 60 days, but they will reset the acute withdrawal effects for a couple of weeks, but at least you know what you expect now for the first month or so. being at a new job during this time is going to be tough. just keep your head down, deliver only what is ABSOLUTELY necessary and try to take some breaks during the day to just walk around. you'll be back at 2 months in no time (: