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  1. Friday night sober ramblings

    so this isn't going to be the most positive, motivating post but it's the truth for me. all that working on yourself stuff sounds great, but i never did any of it. i guess i've never had the discipline for it even before Adderall. perhaps it would have made a difference in my recovery, but that's the past now for me. so 3+ years sober. am i functional? yes. do i enjoy life? mostly. but i'm definitely a different person now. i find many things (like socializing) super exhausting now, i sometimes actively avoid people, etc. i think what happened over the last couple of years is that i redefined my own definition of happiness. i decided at some point that at this stage in my life, this level of happiness is enough. easier said than done - i know - but recently i've had a bit more motivation to get back into hobbies and such, but i don't think i would have gotten here had i not let go of that idea that i needed to regain all my previous energy and life. not sure if that helps, but basically i'm saying "don't try too hard". sometimes it can be counter productive (:
  2. Getting through the holidays

    no need to be sorry, that's what we're here for (: my memories of holiday's on speed are trying to come up with excuses to skip out on everything. for about half my addiction i was living at home with my parents so that made it even harder but more obvious. when i couldn't escape? just take more drugs till i was high enough to not care (and surely enough for everyone to know i was high). but at least i was pleasant then, so everyone kinda just tried to enjoy themselves. congrats on 10 months! winter is a little challenging cause you can't get out as much, but get yourself immersed in something new - even if its just like TV or videogames or something - and you'll stop thinking about the pills in no time!
  3. lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery. but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (:
  4. I can't believe it's me...

    yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (: i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain.
  5. hi @mad_stoic we all know this pain very well, but truthfully it doesn't sound like you're mentally ready to quit. unfortunately it seems like it may be forced upon you soon when you get cut off, so you should really think hard and try to get in the right mindset about recovering before you do something stupid in desperation. another thing to consider is that the Adderall may still be working for you, but its effects are going to taper off in the future. then you'll be in an even worse situation where all the Adderall in the world won't help you. also be really careful with the drinking - it can end up becoming a bigger problem than the adderall ever was. i think the first step here is for you to envision a successful life off of stimulants. you need to truly believe its possible to have any hope of recovery. gl and stay safe!
  6. One Word Status Update

  7. Affair on aderall

    hi @Marty so sorry to hear about this. hopefully there is still time to save your marriage. abusing Adderall can very much be a split personality type experience. for me it always felt like Jekyll and Hyde - no matter how rational you are when sober, you turn into a completely different person while high. you may find now that she is off Adderall, she can barely explain why she did the things she did. i wish you both the best of luck, hang in there!
  8. i've only ever been on 1 other anti-depressant which was Pristiq which was an SNRI (works on seretonin and nor-ep). i had some bad reactions to it - side effects sucked. the only thing that has ever worked for me has been Wellbutrin (what dose were you prescribed?) but ultimately the game of anti-d is to try a few and see what sticks. the thing is, if your depression is in fact still Adderall related, fucking with brain chemicals other than dopamine will probably not help and may make things worse.
  9. Forced to quit by moving to a remote island

    hi @FinallyQuitting congrats on 2 months! i suspect that in another month or so, you will at least have the energy to get out of bed and stay awake throughout the day. a decade on Adderall is rough though. aside from all the usual eat right and exercise etc. stuff, keeping yourself occupied is really the key to recovery. it's great that you don't have to worry about a formal job now, but it can be very beneficial a few months from now when idle time is your biggest challenge. if not a job, then a hobby, or classes. in my experience, picking up something completely new is better than trying to get back into old activities that were perhaps more Adderall than you. gl and koko (keep on keeping on)
  10. Update from a long timer

    hey @SeanW so glad to hear you're doing okay and still soberish (: frankly IMO that's good enough right now - it's okay to just live and enjoy what you can. there's no doubt that alcohol can become an equally devastating problem, but it sounds like you have much more of a handle on it than the stims. are you still playing music? you were doing some open mics before if i recall correctly. i haven't been able to get back into songwriting (which is a bummer), but i'm at least back to listening to and collecting music. it feels like a brand new victory even 3 years out now, and i have to believe that slowly all these things will come back. stay safe friend.
  11. I can't believe it's me...

    so much this ^^^!! you need to really be okay with moving on in order to truly recover. it certainly means different things for each person, but ultimately this is what we mean when we say "be kind to yourself".
  12. After 1 Year - is it really worth it?

    pretty much this right here. you said you were at a 120mg a day? that is an absurd amount of Adderall for a prescribed dose. shame on that doctor for such a negligent prescription. i'm hoping that you weren't on this dose for all 11 years. it seems like within a year off Adderall, you're life situation has changed for better or worse. no more toxic relationship, but i suspect all the other stuff is still true (child, health problems, etc). i can tell you this much - Adderall might help again in the short term, but your tolerance will jump up very quickly and you'll run into those same problems that had you quit the first time. worst case? you'll take it for long enough to Adderall your way into a "high stress job", then fail at that as you seek to quit again. a year long absence followed by a rebound failure could be enough to seriously damage your career outlook for a while. actually the real worst case is your health. you were taking a very large dose of Adderall so it's no surprise you had health issues. as @Subtracterall said, you're also older now. your body chemistry and hormones are different, you will never achieve that initial high you got from the pills. no matter how shitty you feel right now, think about this: do you plan to take Adderall forever? if not, you'll have to quit again at some point when it will be even harder. you're already a year out - don't let this effort go to waste. if it sounds like i'm trying to scare you, then good, because i am! keep on keeping on (:
  13. I can't believe it's me...

    i think "tame" might be the wrong word to use here, because it implies trying to assert control over it. instead, think of it as complete avoidance. in the short term it will be difficult, because every challenge you come across you will think about using, but after a while you kinda just... forget about it (: you won't spend the rest of your life fighting this addiction. at some point it will become a distant fading memory. gl and keep posting!
  14. Lawyer Trying to Quit Vyvanse - Any Advice?

    @Lawyer , think about it this way - do you see yourself taking Adderral for the rest of your professional life? (probably not) do you think there will ever be a better time to quit, when you don't have as much responsibility? (probably not) so you're going to have to quit at some point. right now you're at about 5 years - imagine how hard it will be after 10 years. and that's even assuming the pills continue to work for you. if you're already double dosing and only lasting through half your prescription cycle, that's a bad sign. your chances of ever going back to normal therapeutic use are close to 0%, but as i point out above... you shouldn't want to anyway.
  15. 40 Days Clean... and I have questions.

    hi @amcardwell first of all, congratulations on finally taking the step to reclaim your life! as hard as it seems, now is definitely the time to do this, before your kid is born. life seldom gets less complicated, so there will never be a better time to quit. to be honest, you lose interest in mostly everything after quitting Adderall. unlike hobbies that you can just not partake in for a while, your job is something you're forced to be exposed to most days of the week. this forced exposure is going to make it feel like your dislike for web development is stronger than your dislike for everything else. to be fair, work is work, but honestly you may never "love" it in the same way again. that love that you describe, "wake up excited about it and fall asleep dreaming about it"... that was never real. your interest will slowly return in time, but i'd say don't worry about that right now. work is going to SUCK for a while, but if you can manage to get by with the bare minimum then you're already managing your recovery in a healthy way. focus on everything else in your life - you're having a kid soon!!! you will draw immense strength from that experience - use it to fuel the stuff that you dislike but have to do (: gl and keep us posted!!!