sleepystupid

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  1. Ambivalence

    thanks for sharing and being so honest! first of all, no one here is judging you. in fact, most of us have relapsed in a very similar fashion. most of us have tried several times to quit before finally succeeding. this is all part of the process, so don't beat yourself up over it. here's honestly what it comes down to: everyone has different circumstances in life - i certainly don't have 4 kids or run my own business. that must be really tough. if quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk, i'm not sure i would do it. only you can answer that question. is that really why you're using again? but on the other hand, no one would quit Adderall if it didn't eventually become "not so great", right? there is of course a period of time where the good seems to outweigh the bad, then eventually it flips. you admit yourself that you're already at that point again. fortunately though, you've already recognized that Adderall isn't a long term solution. that's probably the biggest hurdle of all! once you realize this, there may still be some relapse episodes, self-doubt, etc. but deep down you know eventually it has to stop. you're already on a one-way ride to recovery, it might slow down here and there, but rest assured that your commitment to this journey remains. (:
  2. hi @Civilengr2020 welcome to the forums - it sounds like you're in the right mind set to start this journey! that sense of not knowing who you really are is an existential nightmare that we have all been through. i remember thinking, back at the peak of my addiction, that i had built this seemingly successful life for a person that didn't even exist anymore. would that person even care about the addict's achievements? something to remember early on is that those achievements may not feel "real", but they're still yours. you don't need to shut away all your accomplishments. it may not seem like it for the first year or so, but you will eventually learn to love your life again and not think of the last 15 years as a waste. gl and stay close to the forums (:
  3. Successfully tapered down, last pill 24 hrs ago

    @Letsdothis! that's awesome! congrats on your last pill. i especially love that you identified better "person" as one of your goals. it's great that you have employees and family to hold you accountable but ultimately you need to do this for yourself as well. gl and keep us updated on your progress (:
  4. that's great! sounds like exactly what you need right now (: i can see it going both ways for some people. early on in my recovery, i actually needed to be out of the house. getting up and going to work forced me into a routine of normalcy, and being around others forced me to work on socializing. stay safe and stay sober everyone!
  5. lol, i think you're on the wrong forum my friend. try Bluelight instead. good luck with your "wise regimen".
  6. you're right in that a slip-up here or there doesn't reverse all your progress - in a biochemical way. as long as you are not flooding your brain with dopamine on a constant basis, you are still on the path to repairing any damage caused by the neurotoxicity. but even an isolated incident of taking a pill one night can open up the negative reward pathways that you've worked hard to shut down. and that's the thing about total abstinence - it's less about the biochemistry and more about containing addictive behavior. a sober you may be fully in control of your desires. but a drunk or high you might just "fuck it" and pop a pill. of course i'm not saying avoid those things - just keep it in moderation and more importantly understand how those substances affect you.
  7. Switching social circles after recovery??

    there's an even greater level of denial in that statement - taking it as prescribed isn't even that much better than abusing it! there are plenty of folks here who have taken it as prescribed for years and years. it's still a mega problem. the idea that taking it as prescribed is the ideal situation is perhaps the thing you should focus on changing. deep down you still feel like Adderall could be a good thing. but let's face it - Adderall is just speed.
  8. Switching social circles after recovery??

    i used to think this way as well. it was important for me to distinguish that it's more about ME being unable to control my temptation than them being adderally. in the early stages of recovery it was mostly about this and also a sense of inferiority. fast forward a year or so into my recovery, that feeling changed to that of pity and a bit of superiority (though i'd never say anything lol). we here all know that adderall doesn't last forever. it eventually stops working or your life will become a mess (whichever comes first). i started to view these friends through that lens - they simply have no idea what's coming for them. i have already gone through the rite of passage so to speak. so i guess what i'm saying is that we don't necessarily need to outgrow our friends, but once you're mentally ready yourself, we simply wait for them to catch up. (:
  9. I’m quitting Adderall!

    that justification around Pride is a real sneaky and interesting one! glad my inner addict didn't think of that lol. gl and keep us posted!
  10. 10 months off and still PAWS and gut wrenching anxiety

    @Ready4Change , sorry to hear about your struggles - trust me i've been there. you probably already know that 10 months after 15 years is still in the fairly early stages, but that aside, here's something to consider: depression and anxiety are often cyclical in that they can cripple you from progressing, and the fact that you're not progressing makes you more anxious, leading to more crippling etc. at some point it's hard to tell whether the anxiety is even from PAWS anymore, though PAWS is very real and easy to blame. let's assume for argument sake that there's nothing you can do about PAWS, only time will heal that. is there something you can do about the progress? maybe all you need is a "win" no matter what it is? i was in a pretty depressed state last year, but my gf suggested i needed a change and forced me to get out there and try applying for a new job. i didn't end up landing a new position, but i got pretty far into the interviewing process, and you know what? just the process of studying for the interviews and getting a better sense of where i stand.. it instantly lifted the fog. even though i didn't get an offer, simply understanding my value and feeling like i was good enough to compete was all i needed. it was a small but decisive win. your win could be anything - completing a personal project, volunteering, starting a new hobby. the point is, those wins won't come to you, you need to actively pursue them. the biggest trap is waiting to feel better. all of this is of course easier said than done, but i found it to be true from experience. (:
  11. oh God the sweating - i could barely walk around outside on a hot day without being drenched. it was the worst, lol.
  12. I tried......

    ^^^this. "can't see the forest through the trees." there's a reason that's such a popular saying! i think the main thing we all did was believing that we could get better. that is honestly the only thing you need to weather the storm that is time. once you truly believe that you can recover with enough time, there are certainly some strategies and general best practices (eating well, exercise, etc) but there is no magic bullet. even switching over to other medication like Wellbutrin will only soften the edges slightly.
  13. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy so sorry to hear about your dog no one needs to tell you this (because you already know), but you can't let the addict in you use these things to rationalize using again. taking Adderall again won't bring your dog back, nor will it make counselors reach back out to you. Adderall literally solves none of these problems! in fact, it will eventually just add to them. FWIW, i've always had a really hard time with the exercising part of recovery, but i do remember quite vividly a day that seemed absolutely unbearable. i somehow forced myself on a bike for a half hour and it was like magic - POOF - despair erased for at least the rest of the day! you've got a few days until the refill, you at least owe it to yourself to try everything before caving. *PS. don't cave though (:
  14. My face :(

    hi @OWG_8 congrats on 5 months sober! i think if you were only using for 2 years, you'll feel a lot better around the 1 year mark. regarding the weight gain i must confess that most people have the opposite problem when coming off Adderall. if you are still losing weight after stopping then you may want to speak to a professional about this. in terms of gaining weight though, the formula is fairly straight forward: more calories consumed than burned. marijuana can increase your hunger.. (ahem) assuming you can get it prescribed or it's already legal in your state (:
  15. 4 years clean - checking in

    i'm not sure about the derealization part, but if by retarded you mean the word soup effect, stuttering and stumbling through your speech - yes it does recover! this was something that worried me greatly early on, but it's well documented (on here) and goes away within the first year i'd say.