SleepyStupid

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About SleepyStupid

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  1. Another relapse...

    you know i've been thinking about this notion of relapse as a result of "feeling good". it seems counter intuitive because normally you'd imagine relapsing because you feel depressed and hopeless, but i've been seeing a fair amount of posts recently with a similar theme of "rewarding" yourself with a relapse. i think its pretty normal to reward ourselves - for me it has been food these past couple of years, which is tough because eating isn't optional! i think when things are going well and feel "normal", we lower our guard. the rationale for use becomes "well even if i use JUST tonight, its still way better than last month when i was using every day!" it sounds like a partial truth, but only because your framing the problem as specific to the substance. yes - technically you are consuming way less than you used to, but the real problem for us addicts is the consumption itself, not the amount. it's always boggled my mind how evolution hasn't corrected for this pleasure over preservation problem. we understand that our behaviors are often dangerous and potentially life threatening, but we don't know it until it actually happens to us or someone close. fear was my motivator. i was a binge user just like you - i thankfully never OD'd, or ended up in the hospital, but towards the end of my abuse i could feel my body falling apart. people could see how fucked up i was - i looked like a speed junkie. that's when it became real for me - it wasn't a secret i could hide from myself or others, something had to change or i was going to die. regarding your friends and partying, i think you already recognize the triggers - you have about a 0% chance of going to a party and using anything in moderation at this point. it sucks, but that's your reality. it doesn't mean you can't still see your friends - maybe try inviting them out to more activities, sporting, outdoors stuff - be that guy that changes your group dynamic! if that doesn't work, then make new friends. eventually in a few years everyone will hopefully grow up a bit, the partying dies down and you can reconnect - that's life, but you need to be alive long enough for it to happen (:
  2. honestly, i didn't feel much of anything when i came off Wellbutrin. maybe tired for a couple of days, but no withdrawal so to speak. i was taking ~150mg a day, which is a bit lower than the normal adult dosage usually. i think finding the right dosage is key with Wellbutrin, because too much and it can make you feel anxious and jittery. i was on Wellbutrin on and off for about 4 years i believe. being on it is nothing like Adderall - it doesn't "kick in" like a rush of energy. similarly, there was no "come down" or crash to it (in my experience). it's more of a subtle lift that takes a week or two to build up, after that its more of a silent helper. hope this helps! (:
  3. Need support

    welcome back @purplepen! your issues with gambling are not uncommon. i think it's fair to say that stimulant addiction can easily lead to other hedonistic addictions, it's basically a constant dopamine chase. my debilitating "side" addiction was porn - at times it seemed to eclipse the Adderall addiction itself! i often thought back then "if i could manage the porn addiction, then maybe i can be productive on Adderall again." nope! just like you, my side addiction simply vanished when i stopped using. i knew deep down they were linked, but my addict brain made every rationalization to separate them - JUST MAYBE i could go back to using Adderall like everyone else... nope! it was the exact same thing when i relapsed around the 2 year mark - immediately the porn addiction returned. if you already feel great when you're off the pills, then half your battle is already done! so why do we still sabotage ourselves?: cause we like getting high. you'll never find a better reason than that unfortunately - but accepting this truth helps put the problem into context. keep us posted on your progress! (:
  4. Relapse in sight

    ooo i remember those! we have some forum software updates we're looking into, but i'll see if signatures is something we can bring back (:
  5. One Word Status Update

    Monday
  6. it's really unfortunate but for some people it takes bottoming-out to realize this - that's what it took for me, but it doesn't need to be that way. one of the great things about this forum is that you can relate to and learn from others on the same path. if you can't trust yourself, trust in the collective experience of the members here! we're all at different points in our journey, but the take home message is this: you can be better than you ever were on Adderall. that's something you need to really believe to have any sort of success in recovery. your definition of "better" is also important. Adderall makes you feel like everything you do is THE BEST, no matter how ridiculous, unproductive or unnecessary it is. it prevents you from thinking clearly about what you actually want out of life. "Do you really want to quit?" is a question that cannot truly be answered by an Adderalled brain. you need to put some distance from it to really answer that question.
  7. Anyway to get Email Notification?

    @DelaneyJuliette i've attached a screenshot below for the location of the Follow buttons. the button for a topic is located at the top of the page, right above the Reply button. to follow another member, you need to navigate to their profile page. hope this helps (:
  8. One Word Status Update

    Hopeful!
  9. Wellburtin feels like adderall?

    my experience with Wellbutrin was on and off over a 5 year period, almost all of it under 200mg a day. it mostly had a very subtle, energizing effect for me, but the biggest effect it had was helping me to quit smoking cigarettes. Bupropion (generic for Wellbutrin) is often prescribed as a smoking cessation aid in addition to depression. some of the effects may have also been placebo which i was also fine with! i came off it completely about 6 months ago and frankly felt no withdrawal or side effects, or much of a difference at all. i was probably on it longer than necessary. FWIW, i have tried other antidepressants but never had a positive experience until Wellbutrin. i think perhaps our specific brand of post-Adderall depression is linked closer with dopamine deficiency, while other antidepressants like SSRIs or SNRIs target different neuro-chemistry. i would agree with @EricP that the more aggressive stimulant properties kick in over the 200mg threshold - this is the range that people start reporting anxiety, restlessness, etc. if you decide to try it out for another month or so, perhaps you can talk to your doctor about lowering the dosage, or switching from instant release to extended release?
  10. 62 - And Nervous about Taking the Plunge

    hi @GPetrandis so glad to hear that you've turned this ship around! you still have many years left and you can definitely work to improve the quality of life that stimulants have robbed from you. 10+ years is a long time, but to be honest, it sounds like you've tapered through the hardest part of early recovery. i don't think you'll have too much trouble just dropping the last 10mg of your taper and going cold turkey at this point. thanks for joining us here and sharing your story - looking forward to hearing about your progress (:
  11. New Administrators

    Thanks @quit-once! we're looking forward to blasting spam and keeping things accessible and safe for everyone (:
  12. I just flushed my pills.

    i had a similar experience with very powerful resolve towards the end of my use 5 years ago. in my case, i was abusing so hard i was literally scared for my life. i could see my true self so clearly, and he was terrified. i decided that night, i. was. done. so don't second guess yourself - that "something" pulling you off the couch is a very real part of you that is fighting for it's life. listen to it, even when the addict's voice is louder. you got this. (:
  13. My Committment

    this is a powerful realization, be sure to remember it! it's easy to glamorize and think fondly of Adderall when you're in recovery and the going gets tough - but the truth is that things were probably way worse on it.
  14. trying to quit. scared and need tips!

    hi @taryn your story is very familiar to us - you're in the right place, so welcome! it's interesting that you were prescribed Adderall for depression - sounds kind of dangerous, but of course i'm not your doctor (or a doctor at all). your story sounds like a classic case of chasing the high, but at least you've recognized the danger before you chase it off a cliff! there are of course a lot of great things about being sober, but the biggest thing for me is emotional stability. especially with the on 2 off 2 week pattern of use, the roller coaster of emotions and needing to be "on" in order to do anything was completely unsustainable. i'd basically just postpone or procrastinate everything in my life until i got my refill again - but even that window of productivity or happiness shrank down to basically nothing. i agree that tapering may not be suitable for you, especially given your pattern of use. normally coming off Adderall can be done safely cold turkey, but if your underlying depression is serious, you should really involve your doctor in this process. gl and keep us posted! (:
  15. Spam taking over our sanctuary

    i sent a message to @quit-once. he isn't on here every day but hopefully will see the message soon enough. from what he's told me before, apparently this sometimes happens when the WordPress account or license expires - I think he has to reach out to Mike to get that part resolved.