sleepystupid

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  1. almost 9 weeks clean- drowning in depression

    while i don't necessarily share the spirituality, anything that adds value to life and recovery process is awesome! that being said, i'm an advocate of Wellbutrin - just be careful of the dosage. normal adult dosage is ~300mg a day, but most people find that too stimulating and can cause anxiety. i'd start out at half that in SR form, try it for a month and see if it helps. (:
  2. Went 90 days then relapsed - Now 7 Days clean

    @DelaneyJuliette this right here. i can almost guarantee that those "idk what the fuck i was thinking" moments only occurred because you knew you had access to the drugs.
  3. @skylounger i love The Witcher! Adderall had the opposite effect on me where i had no interest in videogames, TV or movies at all. but for almost the first full year sober, i didn't have the energy for videogames. it will come back to you, i guarantee it (: by the way, there are a lot of quality of life mods for Witcher that may make the game more tolerable and less stressful. for example, i have no patience for inventory management so i got a mod for unlimited backpack weight. depending on the platform, you may have some other options available (i'm on PC). @dolssa don't feel silly about that - it's a HUGE deal and one of the first major victories. once you realize that it's not so bad, you'll have a fairly clean living space going forward which does WONDERS for your state of mind! my next big challenge is writing a full song without Adderall - it's tough but i've at least put in a routine of practicing piano and guitar!
  4. People in long term recovery- need advice

    hi @Lizzyc i think the struggle many people have with relapse is that they still view Adderall as a "medication" or a "tool" for improvement. what has worked for me during recovery is coming to terms with the fact that Adderall is just fucking speed. i took it because i liked getting high. in my 4 years clean, i did relapse briefly, but even then i had no belief that i could start back up on it, be able to control it this time, fix my life, etc etc. i knew i was relapsing cause i was bored and i wanted to get high. so ask yourself: do i want to go back to being a speed junkie? another question that helped me a lot: do i plan on taking this for the rest of my life? if the answer is no, then at some point in the future you will need to quit and it will be that much harder to do with another few years of use.
  5. 35 days clean-just curious

    hi @A48781 first off, congrats on 35 days. you've definitely made the right choice! that's a hard question to answer because a lot of the recovery process is very subjective. doctors seem to be convinced that your neurochemistry should be balanced within a few weeks of discontinuation. they're not entirely wrong, but that's just physiological part of it. even once your dopamine levels are back to normal, you've basically spent the last 6 years putting reward before effort - that takes some time to un-learn so to speak. that being said, i think you still have plenty of "recovery upside" to gain. just keep in mind that it's not some magical boundary where one day you feel 20% better. you will feel more recovered the day that you accomplish something you didn't think you could without Adderall. so keep a look out for those challenges and step up (:
  6. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    hi @DrewK15 sorry to hear about your struggles. job hunting can be really rough - i recently put a ton of effort into it, went through 4 rounds with a really cool company, felt SO confident about it.. and well it didn't work out. it was really disappointing, and honestly i'm not sure i have the energy to try again just yet. but i keep reminding myself that all the effort, research, rehearsing etc. isn't wasted. every interview is an opportunity to learn and refine your professional story. if you're not hurting for money, i would agree that going down the minimum wage route would be a waste. that time would be better spent keeping at the interview game and finding something that is more meaningful. what's your preferred field of work, if you don't mind me asking?
  7. thanks for joining us and sharing your story (: glad to hear that you're managing without stimulants. have to admit that Wellbutrin was the key for me, and i still take it. that story about doing lines in the bathroom brought back some pretty shameful memories of myself lol, but glad we're all past that! congrats on 48 days - keep us posted!
  8. 7 weeks clean- so bored

    hi @dolssa welcome to the forums! first of all, huge props on 7 weeks. you've definitely got some important milestones behind you, so keep up the great work!!! social anxiety is one of the hardest things to deal with because it's the only external, visible sign of your struggle. especially if friends don't know about your abuse and recovery, it just seems like (to them) you're intentionally distancing yourself. i was never a social butterfly to begin with, but i can say that i have a healthy social life now. you will feel like socializing again, but it will take some time. here's a thought: the most challenging social encounters are those where the primary activity is just talking (like dinner, going to a bar, etc.). if you're concerned about losing those relationships while struggling with recovery,why don't you invite your friend(s) to something that's more of an activity? could even just be the movies or something! it will minimize the painful part of those encounters, but count as being social. just a thought (: gl and keep posting!
  9. Friday night sober ramblings

    so this isn't going to be the most positive, motivating post but it's the truth for me. all that working on yourself stuff sounds great, but i never did any of it. i guess i've never had the discipline for it even before Adderall. perhaps it would have made a difference in my recovery, but that's the past now for me. so 3+ years sober. am i functional? yes. do i enjoy life? mostly. but i'm definitely a different person now. i find many things (like socializing) super exhausting now, i sometimes actively avoid people, etc. i think what happened over the last couple of years is that i redefined my own definition of happiness. i decided at some point that at this stage in my life, this level of happiness is enough. easier said than done - i know - but recently i've had a bit more motivation to get back into hobbies and such, but i don't think i would have gotten here had i not let go of that idea that i needed to regain all my previous energy and life. not sure if that helps, but basically i'm saying "don't try too hard". sometimes it can be counter productive (:
  10. Getting through the holidays

    no need to be sorry, that's what we're here for (: my memories of holiday's on speed are trying to come up with excuses to skip out on everything. for about half my addiction i was living at home with my parents so that made it even harder but more obvious. when i couldn't escape? just take more drugs till i was high enough to not care (and surely enough for everyone to know i was high). but at least i was pleasant then, so everyone kinda just tried to enjoy themselves. congrats on 10 months! winter is a little challenging cause you can't get out as much, but get yourself immersed in something new - even if its just like TV or videogames or something - and you'll stop thinking about the pills in no time!
  11. lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery. but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (:
  12. I can't believe it's me...

    yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (: i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain.
  13. hi @mad_stoic we all know this pain very well, but truthfully it doesn't sound like you're mentally ready to quit. unfortunately it seems like it may be forced upon you soon when you get cut off, so you should really think hard and try to get in the right mindset about recovering before you do something stupid in desperation. another thing to consider is that the Adderall may still be working for you, but its effects are going to taper off in the future. then you'll be in an even worse situation where all the Adderall in the world won't help you. also be really careful with the drinking - it can end up becoming a bigger problem than the adderall ever was. i think the first step here is for you to envision a successful life off of stimulants. you need to truly believe its possible to have any hope of recovery. gl and stay safe!
  14. One Word Status Update

    crawling