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Everything posted by sleepystupid

  1. After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

    hang in there! to be honest, i think starting work is going to be a really positive thing - it will force you to have energy. external accountability was SO important to me during my recovery. i still take Wellbutrin. it definitely helps, though some people need a period to adjust to it. if you decide to try it again, make sure your dr does not start you at 300mg. frankly i've been at half that for years and it's more than enough. gl at your first day of work!!! (:
  2. One Word Status Update

    (pleasantly) surprised!
  3. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    ^^^ this this this!!! i think i commented on this in another post, but for those of us struggling with "finding our energy again", perhaps we're looking for the wrong thing. maybe it's that big dream or goal that we need to be searching for that will jumpstart our lives. (:
  4. One Word Status Update

    (well) rested!
  5. One Word Status Update

  6. After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

    congrats!!!! something else to get you through the next six months - think about how you felt 6 months ago compared to now. i know its hard while you're going through time, with PAWS coming and going, but when you reach these milestones is a good time to reflect on the larger period of time. 6 months from now will be so much different (:
  7. Started off great, recovery now getting harder

    hey there @clifking you've already got some great advice above, the only thing i'll add is consider how powerful this statement is: i know this to be absolutely true, cause i didn't play videogames for like a year after i quit, and videogames were a BIG part of my life before adderall. isn't that scary as hell? stay far far away from stims.
  8. Tired of Being Tired

    i can't say for sure that it's not the Adderall still (12 years is a long time), but sounds more like you're in a rut. i don't have the answer to this, cause i too am in a rut, but i'm beginning to think that "natural energy" only comes as a result of being passionate about something. my only evidence of this is that i still get really excited about things like videogames. i know it's not a "productive" type of energy, but it's a legitimate hobby that i enjoy thoroughly. i therefore wonder if there's some project or calling in my future that will revitalize me as a whole? or maybe it will come and pass because i don't have the energy to seize it?
  9. hi @workingmom welcome! you are right to be apprehensive about this. that doesn't mean your doctor is wrong in prescribing dex, but there's more to the story than he's telling you. unfortunately there's no such thing as a "legitimate" diagnosis. symptoms for adult ADD are so vague and easily identifiable, most people could convince themselves of it with little effort. most doctors will similarly diagnose pretty easily because.. well why not? their patient fits the criteria, and the diagnosis will secure a returning patient. i am not in this category, but there are plenty of members here that fit the low dose for years, but "zero side-effects"? not a chance. you're ALREADY experiencing side effects on the weekends! depends whether you believe you're truly ADD. the argument for prescribing stimulants is that those with ADD have faulty receptors by default. this means that they don't get as much "reward" for doing simple "normal" things like most people do. this in turn causes them to be restless and continually seek stimulation. so, when you introduce a stimulant, they are now satisfied by the normal stuff which in turn calms them down. that being said, you should know that everyone will feel an effect from amphetamine, cause its a drug. that magical, miracle feeling you described? that's just feeling high. it won't last forever, and when it disappears, you'll be left with a pill that you literally take just cause if you don't you'll be a tired depressing mess.
  10. Celebrating 18 months clean

    hey that's great news! congratulations (: it's hard to say regarding PAWS - as i'm sure you already know, it comes and goes in waves and is very different from one person to another. all i can say is that it is certainly possible to feel it 18 months out. the other possibility is that even normal people go through periods of feeling down or off - perhaps its that and you're just attributing it to your recovery?
  11. Ashamed and depressed

    hi @Prila first of all, good job on flushing those pills (again)! i don't think i ever had the courage to do that (instead i'd just binge them to the brink of death). we know very well those feelings of loneliness and shame - welcome to the forums. you're in the right place (: it's awesome that you have your boyfriend as a pillar of support, but he can only help if he knows you're serious about recovery this time, right? why carry that guilt with you? and let's be honest - he probably knows you've been on Adderall again. it's super obvious even though we try hard to hide it. make this time count. tell him. tell your doctor. cut off your supply. make a plan to get through work. it's not going to be easy, but in a year or so you're going to look back and thank God that you fixed your life. stay close to the forums and keep us updated (:
  12. hi @hopalong56 first off, i'm sorry to hear about your life long struggles with mental health. these conditions can be crippling and often people around us don't seem understand how disabling it can be. you probably already know this, but reminder yourself that you're not using Adderall therapeutically - you're just getting high on speed, and your skyrocketing tolerance is proof. that's the first thing you need to really understand. the most dangerous thing you can do right now is convince yourself that Adderall was the answer all along, and maybe you just need to learn to control it, etc. etc. Adderall is not managing any of your conditions, it is masking it. you should discuss alternative treatments or medication with your doctor and be honest about your Adderall addiction. you have already crossed a line with amphetamine - it will never be a therapeutic solution.
  13. One Word Status Update

    hopeful (for new opportunities)
  14. Tiredofit

    which one is scarier? quitting now or quitting years later when when you have more responsibilities and expectations? life seldom gets less complicated over time, so do this thing NOW before it gets harder to do in the future.
  15. Weekend warrior

    we've all worried about this stuff to varying degrees at some point, but i think there's actually less "irreversible" damage than you think. you mention that you're working out hard during the week and staying healthy, so you're probably more than alright. you could go see a specialist if you'd like, but from other people's experiences here it's unlikely they're going to find anything alarming (or anything at all). i know it's hard to believe given how much damage and nonsense we've put ourselves through, but the human body is surprisingly adaptive. glad to hear that you're finally cutting the weekend binges out. that guilt and anxiety is the worst.
  16. After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

    this is something i've wondered about as well. putting aside brain chemistry, i've always felt that the anxiety around that period of time was a result of this sense that you should be feeling better than you do. it's this sort of internal conflict where you have enough energy to be awake and do things, but no motivation to do things that matter. i believe it's a lingering effect of "waiting for the Adderall kick". perhaps you're still sub-consciously expecting to wake up one day and just feel a natural kick that will jump-start your life back to "normal". not saying that won't happen, but i think there's merit to the idea that we'll never feel truly recovered until we actually accomplish those things we can't while in recovery. i recognize it sounds basically like: "suck it up, force yourself through this and you'll feel better" . that's not really what i'm getting at. i think the value of this idea is more fundamental, like an acceptance that "this is just my life now". when you stop waiting for something to change, you kind of just.. move on mentally. it's like how time moves slower when your staring at a clock? not sure if that helps or even makes sense, but it's perhaps something to ponder (:
  17. A Call For Help: I'm Crippled by this Addiction

    i think i can speak safely for everyone on this forum when i say that it was the feeling of "success" that we were truly addicted to, not the drug itself. that's what makes Adderall so much more dangerous than other recreational drugs. that feeling is mostly an illusion, but to be fair, it does improve your performance for a while. whether you stop now or during the summer is up to you. if i were in your position, honestly i'd probably justify taking it till the end of the semester, but it sounds like you also have some issues with your parents cutting you off etc. i think you need to have an honest conversation with them and as @SeanW suggested, have them dose you responsibly.
  18. Finally quitting after 4 years

    while it is true that you will probably do nothing around the house for a while (which is okay), having a kid is actually going to help you through this whole thing. Adderall recovery is exponentially worse when you don't have any responsibility to FORCE you into doing stuff. love for your children will always be stronger than recovery blues, i promise (:
  19. A Call For Help: I'm Crippled by this Addiction

    hi @Slim33 first of all, you did the right thing by coming here and sharing your story. as you can probably tell, it is not unlike many of our's. i'm sorry to say that you have crossed a line with amphetamine wherein you will never receive the same magical effects again. here's the thing though - Adderall is not supposed to feel magical for those who "truly" need it. most people mistake the euphoria for the improved focus and attention the drug is meant to deliver. this is why the most dangerous association to make is, "the drugs are working, i MUST have ADHD!" now, i'm not saying you don't have ADD. you very well could have had difficulty concentrating before all these pills. that's a question only you can answer. regardless, the problem now is that you have abused the medication past a point of no return. if you think your abuse is bad now having to sneak around your parents, just imagine once you go to school and there is no supervision. let me tell you what's going to happen if you continue: you may Adderall your way into a prestigious school, then realize the workload is even MORE than high school (it is). now there's NO WAY you can quit Adderall because you have this awesome opportunity and don't want to ruin your life. you'll increase the dose, lose sleep, perhaps start drinking heavily to offset it, and ruin your life anyway. even if you somehow manage to get through college, you'll Adderall yourself into a job that you don't want to fuck up, etc. etc. until you're ten years deep and you don't even know who you are off of Adderall anymore. there will never be a perfect time to quit. the perfect time to quit is actually now, before you ship off to college. do it now while you have the support of your family. trust me when i say that going to a prestigious school means nothing a few years into your career. what will matter is your passion and work ethic, things that Adderall will rob from you. please keep us posted - you're too young to fuck your life up so soon.
  20. hi @Jelly welcome to the forums. i've definitely had this feeling before as well. with Adderall, it's a very aggressive, prideful, egotistical jealousy - like: "who does this person think they are being better than me? i can do THAT too, and even better!" but overtime as the Adderall turns on you, it becomes: "HOW can these people be better than me without even taking Adderall?" and finally the place you don't want to get to: "i'm a failure even with tons of Adderall - there's no hope for me." i think there's also some merit to the dopamine illusion - similar to alcohol. are you still taking Adderall? my guess is that if you're on these forums, you're starting to question whether the things you feel now are really you anymore. these drugs really change who you are and unfortunately it takes too long for some people to see that. sounds like you're asking the right questions now though.
  21. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    it seems so. i don't recall whether this is actually a CAT scan specifically
  22. Podcast, nazi and methamphetamines

    if you have money you can get away with far worse. ironically, this kid's defense was that he had too much money to be responsible for his actions.
  23. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    depends on how you define value. if you're paying for this out of pocket and it's going to cost you a few hundred bucks, then i'd suggest considering the value more carefully. haven't been to a neurologist myself, but seems like others here have had pretty unremarkable results ("everything looks fine") with a dash of ignorance about long-term amphetamine withdrawal. if you've got great insurance and you feel like a bill of clean health will calm your worries, then go for it! couldn't hurt right? (:
  24. All of you should do journaling

    this is excellent advice - writing is perhaps the most effective therapeutic activity that everyone acknowledges but few actually do i am admittedly lazy with my writing these days, but something that helped me tremendously in the past was a site called don't worry - you don't actually have to write 750 words a day lol, but the awesome thing about this platform is that it actually tracks and analyzes your writing (not in a creepy way) so you can see common feelings, themes and mindsets that emerge from your entries. first month is free, after that it's $5, but its totally worth it!
  25. Relapsed after more than four months

    @neveragain sorry to hear about your relapse, but it's not the end of the world. you said yourself that you're not even enjoying the drug - that's a good sign! well said. this is the conflict at the heart of amphetamine addiction, though i'd add that you don't stay productive forever. if you've abused it heavily for a number of years, you're probably already taking way too much and not getting anything out of it. i relapsed after 2 years clean, thinking my tolerance would be down, that i'd be able to control my usage, that it had been so long that maybe the magic would be back... nope. went right back to slamming it. right back to 100s of mgs a day, almost immediately. it will never be different the next time.