sleepystupid

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Everything posted by sleepystupid

  1. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't

    FWIW, i think you're catastrophizing a bit. listen, you already got through the hardest part- getting your degree and graduating. the bar exam is a tough exam. i have many friends that studied their asses off and still failed the first time. they were devastated, but they got over it, studied their asses off again and eventually passed. my understanding is that for most states, there is technically no limit to the number of attempts. i don't know how long you were using or how long you've been clean, but with enough time your mental faculties will return. that thing about remembering common words? i made this exact same post a couple of years ago. it was frightening that i couldn't retrieve the most basic of words sometimes. it gets better, i promise. you said the adderall isn't even helping anymore. it means you're just using it as an emotional crutch because you feel inadequate. it may help you feel more "connected" with the world, but we all know it's not a real connection.
  2. One Word Status Update

    doldrums.
  3. Day 13 Update

    yea- 140mg a day to nothing is quite a shock to the system! the first month will always feel the slowest. it's like going 100 mph into a 25 zone suddenly. it's gonna feel even slower than 25 should feel. i'm also convinced that amphetamine itself warps your perception of time. keep on keeping on!
  4. Dreams are making recovery difficult today

    ah yes- drug dreams. everyone experiences these, especially in early recovery. in fact, i still experience them occasionally. these are especially bad when they're vivid enough to actually remember feeling high in the dream. i wish i could provide some advice on this, but there really isn't any way to control your dreams. in your first year, you will be constantly thinking about adderall simply because you're trying to avoid it. it's gonna show up in your dreams unfortunately.
  5. Long-term quitters: Any lingering issues?

    @BeHereNow i totally get it. i'm 2.5 years off stims, 33 years old with depression, social anxiety and a fear of change. i know for a fact i'm in a slump, and it is absolutely a result of burnout (among other things). i've known it for a while, but i think there's this fear of inadequacy that prevents me from moving on in my career and life. of course this is still an objectively better state than the adderall days, but i have not yet experienced any dramatic change and improvement in my life situation as others have reported. i don't have any proof that i am "back to baseline", but i have to believe that i am. i don't want to give myself an "out", whether that's conscious or sub-conscious- my problems now are the kinds of problems everyone has. a mid-life crisis perhaps? i'm not sure i'll ever be able to recapture the zeal that i had in my early 20's, even before adderall. but i'm not sure that's realistic- that guy wasn't a real adult. take that vacation. pick up a new hobby. this too shall pass (:
  6. this this this, x100.
  7. Rehab Specifically for Prescription Stimulant Abuse

    i'm not aware of any rehab or group that is specifically for prescription ADD meds, though to be fair i haven't Googled it extensively. you can maybe try Meetup.com if you're in a metropolitan area? perhaps someone with rehab experience can chime in here, but i'd imagine that at least the clinicians at these facilities will have the necessary experience to provide professional help. i can understand why some people feel uneasy about getting help and being grouped together with other types of addicts. it can almost seem intimidating- like your problems aren't as bad as theirs, so they don't take your addiction seriously. can't say that it's not a possibility in some anon groups, but i suspect that you'll find them much more understanding than you think. you can try out a few different NA groups in your area and see which one you feel the most comfortable with. if you need help, don't let this stop you from getting it. and of course, we're always here for you (:
  8. Tick Tock- Recovery begins

    just wanted to share that i had a very similar thought at the peak of my addiction. i remember quite vividly looking around my apartment, this space that i had converted into a super high tech smart-home- maniacal solutions for things that weren't really problems. up until that point, i had considered adderall a tool to create a better life for myself. but at that moment, i realized that adderall was simply creating a life for itself. the real me was so far gone, i had no idea what he even wanted anymore. what was the point of all this if i couldn't go back to the real me and enjoy this new life? or maintain it for that matter? glad to hear that you're finally committed to recovery! good luck and stay close to the forums- we're here to help (:
  9. Confession: still dating girl on Adderall

    i'm sorry to hear this. i think the best thing for now would be to end it, but tell her that you'll be there for her when she realizes she has a problem.
  10. Went to neurologist

    @Frank B yea, i agree. i'm always open to learning about new avenues for recovery, as long as they aren't risky. but also, i have a hard time wrapping my mind around "feeling better". i can understand in early recovery where you feel absolutely miserable and you're looking for something to make it through the worst.. but for those of us a few years out, i worry that experimenting with something that gives you a very apparent effect is similar to pleasure seeking behavior.
  11. Went to neurologist

    interesting- how much does a week's supply cost? and route of administration is injection?
  12. Went to neurologist

    i believe the neurotoxicity of amphetamine is based on the dosage and frequency (i.e. if you're binging and abusing it hard, it is probably frying your brain). most doctors are assuming normal therapeutic dosage, so in that sense his answer is correct. glad to hear you're feeling GREAT! do you think it's a direct result of the Cerebrolysin though? you should try an experiment- stop it for a week and see how you feel. you need to be careful with anything that gives you too much of an effect.
  13. Confession: still dating girl on Adderall

    yea- it's unfortunate but most people who use consistently won't come across a reason to quit until it stops working for them or affects their health enough to scare them. my girlfriend was an on and off user for a long time, and one of the things about dating someone who uses is that you start questioning every aspect of their behavior. did she not call me back cause of adderall? does she sleep till 2PM on the weekends cause of adderall? so on and so forth. she told me recently that she hasn't taken it in over half a year, so i don't think about it so much anymore, but i can only imagine how crazy it would drive me if i knew she was on it every day. it's good that you realize this won't work out, but you can't help the way you feel. for us though, there is still the increased exposure to adderall risk to always keep in mind. i thought that i was completely immune to it. but strangely just the other day, when she was in the shower, this thought crept into my mind that she has months of unused adderall prescriptions sitting in a box in the other room. i know exactly where they are. i thought "maybe i can just pocket a few, it won't be like filling a script." i actually stood in the doorway of the room, locked in an internal struggle with myself. thankfully, i came to my senses when i realized that it wasn't me that wanted the pills- it was the addict. i'm not that guy anymore.
  14. I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

    there's no need to hold back your thoughts or concerns- that's what this forum is here for (: i apologize - i was a bit pedantic with my earlier response. of course we all have free will, but as @hyper_critical said above, addiction robs us of the ability to will ourselves out of addiction. regarding negative patterns of behavior, i'm of the belief that they exist because we are trying to compensate for some deficiency we perceive in ourselves. it's easy enough to identify during recovery: i'm a lazy shitheel and don't enjoy anything. if this is the only thing leading you back to using, then the answer is simply "give yourself time". but it may be helpful to ask "why did i get addicted in the first place?". i've used plenty of other drugs in the past- never got addicted. plenty of people are able to use adderall recreationally- don't get addicted. i'm not sure i have a great answer for this, but i think for me it came from a desire to "prove myself" to the world. i didn't like who i was, so i created this vision of myself as a successful musician. i spent most of my adolescent life convincing everyone (and myself) that i would spend my life doing this. sure- i was talented.. but when i actually took a couple of years off to focus on it? i spent most of that time smoking weed, playing videogames and wasting the opportunity. i hated myself for it. and then came adderall. it made me feel great about myself. fuck yea. i can totally do this, AND take on a Master's program AND make my parents proud of me, AND, AND.. i like to think that the pattern of behavior broke for me because i redefined who i am and what makes me happy. it is, for sure, a different vision than before. perhaps even less ambitious. but i feel confident than i will never need adderall to fill in the gaps again (:
  15. I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

    yes totally agree! unfortunately, i'm the kind of person that operates better when i have some external accountability, so in this case i'm very glad it was there. regarding "free will"- you absolutely have it. isn't choosing to do something, even though you know you shouldn't, an exercising of free will? you are choosing to continue using. you're right in that choices are made at the micro level, but negative patterns of behavior develop from a lack of discipline. i'm not saying that it's easy to be disciplined.. simply that disbelieving free will is a defeatist position.
  16. Intranasal insulin?

    nope- but it sounds interesting! i'm always really skeptical of these kinds of things. they either don't work at all, or if they do work, there's some additional unpleasantness as you described. where did you get it?
  17. Who were you on Adderall??

    @Danquit i totally relate to the obsessiveness with my home studio and recordings. it's the kind of thing that you end up getting absolutely lost down the rabbit hole with. poured tons of money into gear, downloaded and hoarded every piece of software i could find- at some point i was doing more "studio" work than actual songwriting lol. the worst was when i started having auditory hallucinations while mixing. i would spent HOURS trying to figure out why there was some random sound off in the far corner of the mix, trying to isolate it and move it around. i'd get obsessed with it, still hear it while lying in bed which drove me even more nuts..
  18. Relapse..

    this sucks, but i get it. i relapsed last year for slightly different reasons, but let me tell you something you already know: there is no controlled usage for you. eventually, you're going to start abusing again. probably sooner rather than later because you're in a dark place currently. your tolerance is going to come back very quickly, and all it takes is one binge to start that path to bottoming out. why was the solution to this amphetamine? wouldn't that just make the delusions / psychosis worse? i definitely know how this feels- we base so much of our lives on external validation. it does matter what our friends and family think of us, but at what cost? you may seem happier now, but how long is that going to last till you're back to nocturnal isolation? i wish i had better advice on the school and job stuff.. the only thing i can offer is that if your credits are still valid, FINISH THAT DEGREE, even if it means transferring to another school. i dropped out of my master's program, had the opportunity to finish it for almost 2 years after that, but i was too busy getting high. i'm paying back 60k worth of loans for a degree that i don't even technically have. it's the one thing that still haunts me to this day.
  19. Wellbutrin

    IMO that's way too much, at least in the beginning. no wonder it's giving you anxiety. 300 is a dose you typically work your way up to, and very few people take more than that (in fact it's a seizure risk to do so). i'm currently at 200mg XR, which seems to be the sweet spot, but i'm taking it specifically for depression.
  20. Wellbutrin

    how much Wellbutrin are you taking? it can definitely cause anxiety, more so than other anti-depressants, but usually not at low dosages. and if you're combining it with caffeine, it can be intense for some people.
  21. Who were you on Adderall??

    honestly? 1. (still at work) get excited about something to do when i finally get back home 2. pop a few pills on the drive home. psyched to do that thing! 3. way too horny now. should probably jerk off first and get it out of the way. 4. download porn for 4 hours 5. organize, catalog and tag said porn on computer 6. research and download better tools for said organization 7. forget to jerk off 8. fuck- only 30 minutes till i have to leave for work 9. jerk off furiously, unable to finish cause- well you know. 10. never did that first thing, but its okay- i'll have plenty of time tonight! lol.
  22. Finally finding strength

    lol, what's more likely: you have an extremely rare form of dementia with an onset 40 years too soon... or you're going through PAWS and have the exact same struggles that we've all had? stay at it. as @Danquit said, 4 months is very early. its great that you're already having some good days- cherish them and it will help you ride out the bad days. then at some point, you will start having more good days than bad. that's all there is to it. (:
  23. One Word Status Update

    anxious (big presentation soon!)
  24. Day One

    its unfortunate but we live in a society where work is prioritized over health, so it's no surprise that you're feeling pressure and temptation to perform. these are very real concerns, so i won't take that away from you, but here is another very real fact: there will never be a better or perfect time to quit. not to diminish your struggle, but you've only been using for about a year and at a relatively low dosage. NOW IS THE TIME TO QUIT FOR GOOD. think it's bad now? imagine trying to quit after adding another few years and tripling your dosage. you're concerned about your career, which is totally understandable, but going back to adderall is a sure fire way to destroy it. speeding your way through life is simply not sustainable, so either you quit now or quit later when it will be much harder and you'll have much more to lose. that being said- this is a really inopportune time to be starting a new job, but what's done is done. you need to accept that you may not be able to hit the ground running. you need a plan for managing your behavior and work load for the first month or so. i think things will improve dramatically for you in the next month or two, so hang in there, and just remember that your life is more important than impressing your new boss (:
  25. Neurologist Anyone

    i dont think i'm concerned enough to see a neurologist (granted i'm already +2 years out), but it would be interesting to maybe objectively rate my memory. maybe there are some standard tests available online? and some benchmark values? i feel like i have very strong long-term memory, but it's hard to say with short-term because i'm in a work environment that demands unreasonable multi-tasking, which has been proven to decimate your short-term memory.