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Everything posted by sleepystupid

  1. never confused. every decision you make on adderall is the best decision you've ever made! one thing amphetamine does too well is eliminates indecision anxiety. this leads to tons of bad choices that feel great no matter the consequences. these decisions may appear confusing to others, but internally there is no confusion. you can become obsessed with almost anything honestly. i started abusing right around the time i got my first smartphone.. long story short, i spent thousands of dollars buying smart home gadgets and trying to link my phone to anything i could find. i was obsessed with automating EVERYTHING. i've never experienced the paranoia that many here report, but it seems like a very common experience. i've certainly had my share of anxiety attacks as well, mostly around work deadlines and stuff that i was missing constantly. mostly marijuana daily. tons of caffeine, smoked like a chimney.. didn't drink daily, but when i did it was a truly unbelievable amount. yes. when my binge cycles got to about 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. those 2 weeks off i would gorge, then starve the 2 weeks on but ate tons of sugar.
  2. One Word Status Update

    depressed (and don't know why).
  3. Couch to 5k

    for serious? or is this an exaggeration lol, cause i feel like i'm right there and being able to run 10k seems like a fantasy! i quit smoking about a year ago, so i feel better about that, but the biggest problem i have is severe shin-splits, which i understand is fairly common for new runners. i was thinking maybe it's the shoes? (i have a pretty shitty pair of sneakers, not designed for running). i am running outside on uneven ground, pavement, etc. i understand a treadmill or something would be easier, but don't have the room for one and i like being outdoors. any suggestions?
  4. yellow smile (:

    cry a little, if you want to. no one's watching. there's that yellow smile (:
  5. Is Adderall ruining my life??

    this is a very powerful perspective. it's actually an exercise typically conducted in rehab. they tell you to write down all the terrible things you've done to people (or in general), but without context or trying to justify it. "i cheated on my wife" vs "i cheated on my wife.. because i felt etc etc". when you step back and look at this list from a sober lens, it's pretty shocking. congrats on 8 days man, that's awesome! i hope that you're able to save your marriage, but ultimately quitting is for you (:
  6. About One Year Addy Free

    no, not square one, but your addiction counselor is right regarding the pathways. something i truly believe about substance abuse in general is that once you know the feeling of something, you can't un-know it. "knowing" a feeling is probably a combination of the subjective memory of it, but also the activation of a pathway in a biological sense. i think with time that pathway closes up, but even reactivating it once for a brief period can potentially open up the flood gates. this is all speculative. all this stuff is very subjective and there are tons of other factors that make peoples' experiences wildly different.
  7. Social media garbage.

    ditto. i think my biggest problem with FB (and i suppose social media as a whole) is that everyone's digital version of themselves isn't really who they are. you always want to present the best, happiest, most successful version of yourself to the world (look at me, i checked into the airport. i'm so important cause i fly around for work!). in reality, we're all flawed and miserable in a way. i know it's silly, given that i know all this.. but logging into FB and seeing a never ending wall of people thriving, i can't help but compare myself and feel terrible.
  8. Terrified of Quitting!

    pretty much this. the fact that you went from 10mg a day to 60-70 within a year is a sign that you're chasing a high. unfortunately, people don't recognize this as a "high" initially because they mistake the motivation derived from euphoria as focus/attention. they think "hey this is working!". they may even think "if it's working, it probably means i had ADHD!" the fact of the matter is, you've crossed a line with amphetamines that you can't walk back. now is the time quit. as @DrewK15 pointed out, quitting Adderall isn't physically dangerous, but it's going to suck. cold turkey is the most effective way to go for users with your pattern. taper is certainly an option, but it will require coming clean with your doctor. if you don't think you have the discipline to enforce the taper, you should tell your husband about this and have him dose you. in an ideal world, you would come totally clean to him... but i get it. you don't need to explain it as an "Adderall addiction", maybe just: "my normal dose stopped working recently and i didn't realize how harmful it could be to raise my dose. i've already spoken to my doctor and he/she suggests that you regulate my dose just in case." good luck and please keep us posted (:
  9. Adderall Recovery Guide

    sure about that? lol "Everything is improving at such an impressive rate. I do not want to be one of those guys that say yeah I am still recovering years later. This is just a hiccup for me, I came and saw then left. I am not going to let this define me or any part of my life. I am reading some experiences and seem some people take pride of recovering or quitting. It's not something to be prideful of, I rather just recover and forget." of course we take pride in it. it's one of the hardest things we'll ever do. if we can do this? then we can do anything. (: i too hope that you keep us updated on your progress, and i also hope this is genuinely working for you! it doesn't change the fact that what you're doing is dangerous and you have no scientific method to validate the effects of these ridiculous chemicals. it's certainly interesting research you've done - but if you truly wish to help people with this guide, clean up your methodology and remove the ego.
  10. Adderall Recovery Guide

    ^this. @komgordon something to consider about your plan.. you are doing and taking so many things at the same time, it is impossible to say what is actually effective. this is like saying, "i'm really cold. i'm going to turn on 14 space heaters and ALSO take some experimental drugs that MIGHT make my skin more sensitive to heat." you see the problem here? you say yourself at the beginning of the guide: "Granted, I am coming from no exercise, adderall, smoking, heavy caffeine use, heavy drinking on some weekends all coupled with a poor diet." you could be feeling great simply from the diet and exercise, some subtle effects from supplements, research chemicals are doing nothing. hell - you could be feeling good simply because you're actively engaged in this experiment/project and getting little dopamine hits from the external validation of posting on Reddit. that's the best case scenario. the worst case scenario? those research chemicals are actually harming you, but you can't tell yet because you are feeling subjectively better relative to terrible withdrawal symptoms. you're not measuring something quantitative here, nor are you using any standardized assessment of your subjective experience. PAWS is also known to come and go in waves. i don't mean to discourage you because it seems you've put a lot of effort into this, but this approach is not very scientific to begin with. to be honest though, my bigger concern is around presenting something like this as "science" to a community of addicts in recovery who are desperate and often willing to try anything - your plan looks awfully expensive and dangerous. that all being said, i am glad to read that you are feeling better after 4 months? that's great news! despite my criticism of your plan, i genuinely hope this is the attempt that finally brings you to a full recovery! (:
  11. hi Jason, welcome to our community! glad you decided to join us - there's such a wealth of knowledge and experience here, i can safely say it was the single greatest source of power during my recovery. same thing happened to me during one of my attempts at quitting. at the time, my pdoc would not pre-write scripts, so i would have to call in and pick it up each month. i simply stopped calling and showing up, and i was clean for about 3 months. then.. i received the quarterly appointment reminder phone call. it's scary how visceral a reaction that simple phone call can make. it's so great that you have the support of your boyfriend - don't let him down! (:
  12. What was your withdrawal like?

    it's a bit of everything really. as an example in your post right here.. the sentence would read better this way: "Where exactly did you see broken English?" (: i read through some of your guide, and commend you for the effort, but i have seen you post this several times across multiple threads on this site already and it is coming off as self-promotion, which i suppose isn't against the rules here but may not be appreciated by all. sorry to derail OP's thread!
  13. Committed to quitting adderall today

    hi giantsfan, welcome to the forums! you're in the right place - i for one started the same way you did. had a friend with a script, bummed off him until i was hooked then got my own prescription. i have to imagine that Adderall is rampant in Silicon Valley culture, which makes your recovery all the more challenging. but it's still worth it. as you mentioned, you've lived without it and you WILL thrive without it. FYI, the acne thing is not uncommon. i preferred the pink footballs (i believe these are Teva/Barr) even though they caused pretty bad acne because they were more effective for me (for getting high, lol). each generic manufacturer uses different formulations that have different fillers which affect people differently. some are absorbed and tolerated better than others. be kind to yourself, don't push yourself too hard and come up with a plan for work. if you can take some time off, do it! gl and keep us posted. (:
  14. What was your withdrawal like?

    hi Misanthropissed, welcome to the forums! first of all, CONGRATULATIONS on 16 months! it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time this past year, which isn't unexpected, but you should give yourself more credit for the tremendous work you've done so far! i'm sorry to hear that you are still feeling severe symptoms. amphetamine long-term withdrawal has more to do with frequency and duration of use than dosage. 2 years of daily use combined with anti-d and benzos is a pretty serious cocktail, but usually at 16 months you should at least be over the acute physical withdrawal symptoms. most people here have made "full" recoveries - i've been clean for ~3 years and i would consider myself fully recovered. of course each person's recovery experience will be different based on their body chemistry, hormones, values etc. but something to consider: the not so obvious thing is the notion of "letting yourself live." i think some people have an especially difficult time during recovery because they are constantly trying to measure, evaluate their mental state, compare to what they believe should be "normal". indirectly what you're doing though is keeping the negative symptoms in state of constant awareness, which just reinforces them. i know this one of those "easier said than done" type ideas, but this realization was very powerful for me during recover. it allowed me to accept my current situation and simply believe in all the inspiring recovery stories here in this community. as i said above, most people here have made "full" recoveries. you will too (:
  15. New here. Need to get off Adderall! Need help.

    you're not wrong. i've seen this argument made by medical professionals regarding the long-term safety of amphetamines, from a physiological perspective. however.. IMO it's worse on a psychological level (or at the least has it's own unique challenges). downers are usually taken to disconnect from life, an escape. i think the primary value here is that of pleasure or bliss. there is also a very established stigma with these types of drugs. uppers (and more specifically Adderall) are taken increase engagement and productivity. the value proposition here is "success", which of course is indirectly pleasureful, but in and of itself a very different beast.
  16. Moving cities

    dude this is an awesome idea - i'm totally excited for you! this is also an opportunity to embrace novelty with an automatic "in" -- you're new in town! definitely get into the music scene there, find some open mics. maybe even jump right in to some Meetups like songwriting, poetry, etc. those are great ways to make the right kinds of new friends (:
  17. Couch to 5k

    i've made no effort whatsoever on the getting-in-shape thing for 3 years of recovery. maybe this is the inspiration i need--will give it a listen!
  18. More ashamed to post this than ever

    yes. this site is not only a place of support but also a reminder of our pain. i have a tape recorded message to myself from my darkest times on adderall. its literally a plea to myself to never use again. can't even make out some parts of it cause i'm crying so hard. it's fucking brutal to listen to, but the effect is SO visceral.
  19. pretty much this. by the 3rd year i was generally binging 4 days straight, then crashing for 2, repeat. so out of 6 years of addiction, first 2 were magical. i realized it was a problem very early on within the first 2 years, but didn't give a shit (i was gonna be a rock star). i guess you could say i bottomed out (lost my job, degree, gf) towards the end of year 3. quit for about 3 months, then back on for another 3 years.. but the final 3 years were probably the most dangerous, because I no longer took adderall to accomplish my dreams. i was taking it to get high and ignore my problems, and i knew it. by the end of year 6, i had literally had random people asking me on a frequent basis whether i was "okay" -- i must have looked like a walking corpse. it would have killed me had i not stopped.
  20. it won't be. actually, let me be more specific: it will be different in that the period of "invincibility" will be greatly reduced, your tolerance will jump right back to where it was before.. THEN it won't different. it will still lead to downfall. i would be careful with those Parkinson's drugs, mainly because they're experimental, and second because you're still not allowing your body to start regulating its own dopamine systems.
  21. Observing Active Users Post-Quit

    yea. this can be pretty difficult to be around, and unless they've started to experience loss of effectiveness, they won't listen to you. be that as it may.. it won't last forever. we all know this the hard way.
  22. New here. Need to get off Adderall! Need help.

    hi John, welcome to the forums! sorry to hear about your struggles. you've reached the point of no return with amphetamine - it will never be as pleasurable or effective as you remember it to be. even if you take a break for some time, your tolerance will kick right back in immediately. it won't be different the next time. but it sounds like you've already committed yourself to quitting which is awesome! unfortunately, there is no "best method" but some of the obvious stuff first: eat healthy and exercise. to be honest, i did neither of those things but Wellbutrin helped quite a bit. i certainly understand the concern with just starting on another medication, but Wellbutrin is a very well tolerated atypical anti-depressant. it has very few side effects and can be stopped without any prolonged withdrawal. at any rate, it's worth discussing with your doctor. gl and keep us posted!
  23. lol yea it's pretty dumb but i've been there. as @Tom23Jones said, supplements will have a very subtle effect if at all. you can maybe try: lithium orotate (for mood) l-theanine (anxiety / stress) kava kava tea (anxiety / stress)
  24. 3 years!!!

    Sean - this is the drug talking, not you. i don't doubt your life sucks right now, but the binge is fucking with your mind and emotions right now. trust me i know - when i relapsed earlier this year, i was on a 2 month binge myself. it really fucked with me emotionally. don't let the addict make any rash decisions that sober you would regret. i agree with @Tom23Jones , get yourself to an NA meeting ASAP.
  25. Ritalin WD

    hi Jhonathan, welcome to the forums. it always surprises me how ignorant doctors are regarding the withdrawal of ADHD meds. granted, Ritalin is not an amphetamine, but they are similar enough. simply telling a patient "you'll be tired for a while" is at best misinformation, at worst straight up negligent. to be fair, your general practitioner probably doesn't have the same type of experience with this medication as a psychiatrist would, but he shouldn't be prescribing it then. your final list of symptoms (tension and low energy levels) are fairly common. having used Ritalin for 9 years, it will probably take at least 2 years to feel "normal", but that doesn't mean you can't be functional and happy till then. recovery from these types of meds has a lot to do with understanding that long term withdrawal symptoms come and go in waves. maybe consider massage therapy for the tension, energy levels are a very subjective kind of thing but many people find exercise effective. there's no silver bullet to it, it will take some time. congratulations on getting your pilot license! are you flying for a living now? i can imagine how long hours especially overnight can be tough during recovery. keep up the good work! (: