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Everything posted by sleepystupid

  1. One Word Status Update

    this got me enthused (:
  2. One Word Status Update

    enthusiasm (need more)
  3. Take Your Pills

    i got around to watching this yesterday (snow day!).. it is definitely triggering so for those of you susceptible to this, be careful. that being said... i thought it did a pretty good job of documenting the history of amphetamines and our society's growing obsession with productivity and speed. unfortunately it did an even BETTER job of glamorizing adderall. almost every story featured a proud, affluent, successful user. none of them were particularly concerned as to whether they actually had ADD or not- it's either a tool that everyone around you is using or the ends (success) justify the means. this is definitely a polarizing film, but i understand why they chose not to speak about the abuse and addiction potential. this documentary isn't about the drug itself, it's about how our society got to this stage. it's the same reason why they chose not to highlight the benefits for "true ADHDers", it simply doesn't help their narrative. there is not a single mention of the long term risk of dependency, there's maybe one passing story about a Wall Street yuppie that took too much and ended up in the hospital. we all know that's not the real danger of this drug. TLDR. the take away message of this documentary seems to be: our society (for better or worse) values productivity. adderall makes you (or your child) effortlessly productive. everyone around you is using it to enhance their performance.
  4. Advice for quitting a third time

    well said! the things in life i love? eating and sleeping
  5. acetylcholine trial and error

    @EricP my only experience with acetylcholine was while experimenting with nootropics and piracetam. my understanding is that taking a racetam without a ACh supplement can cause headaches and other issues, possibly because the racetam requires more of it to work effectively? not sure how ACh supplements would work outside of this context.
  6. acetylcholine trial and error

    i'm horrified at myself sometimes, thinking back how reckless a driver i was on adderall- i was on my phone 90% of the time while driving, and not just "texting". doing shit like rearranging playlists, downloading stuff.. it's a miracle i never killed someone or myself. i did get pulled over once for swerving, dead of the night on a turnpike. i must have been tweaked out of my mind (as usual), but the officer simply accepted my "just tired" explanation. maybe if that had gone another way, i might have been off this shit far sooner.
  7. Advice for quitting a third time

    yea, we all think we're better at hiding it than we think are. also the thing with hiding / lying is that it brings with it a ton of guilt. i remember getting fired from a job after months of absolutely unacceptable behavior. that day should have been terrible, and it was, but at the same time it was a HUGE relief, not having to carry around the guilt of getting paid to deliver basically nothing. i'm assuming that the withdrawal symptoms you're talking about are the very acute kind, because you haven't made it past day 3 before. unfortunately, there really isn't anything that's going to make the first week suck less. probably just laying around, watching netflix and eating whatever you want! no supplement is going to help in this time period. wellbutrin does help for sure, but you'd have to discuss this with your doctor.
  8. Advice for quitting a third time

    totally this. i was so tweaked out at work, people just ended up accepting that's how i am. i even got the nickname TRON at work, cause i'd change conversation topics so abruptly. . proud of you for coming clean to your boss. that's a REALLY tough conversation to have, but it shows that you're committed to fixing your life. i'm assuming that you've already started your leave from work? if you're staying with your friend for a while, and you're not working, i would strongly suggest to go cold turkey or a very aggressive taper schedule. as @Frank B said, you need to get to 0mg as soon as possible, so that you can make the best use of the time you have off... best use being doing nothing and just healing (:
  9. One Word Status Update

  10. 2 years quit but less than a month sober

    yea, pretty much this. for all intents and purposes, being "healed" and feeling "healed" are the same thing. you will never know objectively that you are healed, that your neurotransmitters are finally at your personal "normal" levels, whatever they are. so given that, we have to measure "healing" indirectly through good days, and bad days. when you start having more good days than bad days, it seems reasonable to say you are "healed". bad days will never go away though. everyone has bad days, but most people don't worry whether it's because their brain chemicals are still out of whack- that's a personal hell reserved just for us but that's all it is. worrying, anxiety, doubt.. the way to let go of all that is simply believe you are healed, and deal with the remaining bad like normal people: change careers, get in shape, take up a new hobby, find a new love (:
  11. New Adderall documentary

    isn't this what most of television is? lol. unfortunately, you can't blame the media DIRECTLY, in the same way you can't blame doctors DIRECTLY for their practices- it's simply capitalism. all these things are a business, and the way they make the most money is to pander and prescribe.. because that's what people want. that's not to say it's ethical by any means, but to be fair there are also cases where its pure greed. like the stuff in this article probably crosses a pretty black and white line: right now everyone is concerned about the opioid epidemic. i can almost imagine a time ten years out where we cite this Netflix documentary as the catalyst of a new epidemic.
  12. Advice for quitting a third time

    hi Catherine, 11 years is a long time, but i'm glad that you've recognized that enough is enough. "do i want to live the rest of my life on speed?" is essentially the question everyone needs ask themselves. so how do you quit once and for all? 1) cut off your supply. tell your doctor honestly about your decision to quit, and don't make it sound like the drug just isn't working any more. unfortunately, the response most doctors have is to simply up the dose or move you to another pill, and when you're sitting in that room it's mighty tempting to simply comply. you need to tell him / her that getting off stimulants is a lifestyle choice you've made. also be honest about your concern during tapering. they will probably still put you on a taper plan, but should severely restrict the quantity and dosage. if you go the taper route, also consider doing weekly prescriptions rather than monthly. 2) figure out a strategy for work. some people have the luxury of taking paid time off, but there's also FMLA for unpaid time (enough time for rehab if necessary). ideally, you'll want to take a week off initially to get through the really acute withdrawal phase. how much time off you need after that really depends on the person and your life circumstances. 3) stay active on the forums (: that's basically it from a logistics standpoint. the rest of it is honestly the strength of your conviction. why do you want to quit? how badly do you want to quit? how much harm is adderall causing you? where do you see yourself in 5 years if you continue to take adderall? gl and keep us posted!
  13. New Dream Job...No More Adderall. Help Please

    sounds like you're in the right mindset for this. there's no value in a dream job if you need to drug yourself to perform it! yes, but also be sure to take it slow and easy in the beginning- be kind to yourself. as reasonable as "proving yourself" sounds right now, there is nothing fair or reasonable about PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). you may find yourself struggling to execute this "force of will" plan, so you need to prepare yourself for the scenario where you will need to do just enough to get by. good luck and keep us posted on your progress! we're here to help (:
  14. New Adderall documentary

    lol this is going to have the same effect as D.A.R.E had on middle schoolers- introduce you to a whole new world of drugs, and you simply ignore all the negative stuff. i totally agree with OP, this is going to glorify the use of adderall. i wouldn't even be surprised if there's some money from big pharma in this production. the message in this trailer is that "everyone is taking it, this is the drug of the future.. it MAY have some side-effects." our society has a very bad track record of educating and communicating the risks of drug abuse. just take marijuana for example- it's a Schedule I drug... why exactly? according to our government, marijuana is WORSE than adderall (which is Schedule II). how many people do you know who have never tried pot? if the media glorifies it, if doctors hand it out like candy, and our government is too involved with its own agenda to care..
  15. One Word Status Update

  16. How long did it take for your anhedonia to go away?

    abused for 6 years, 3 of which were heavy binge use. at least 100 mg a day, awake for ~90 hours straight on average. you're not too far gone. no one is. its true that for the first 6 months or so, you'll probably hate everything besides watching TV. beyond that though, you may find that the person you become is not the person you were even before adderall. but that's okay. you're really young, your interests will change, you'll give less fucks about things. that's just growing up. it's really easy conflate recovery and maturity- i did for a long time after quitting. music and songwriting was my life before and during the adderall years. it's how i defined myself. for the first year after quitting, i drove myself nuts thinking about whether my passion would ever return. i blamed it all on the adderall, which reinforced my depression even more. i'm over 2 years out now (minus a brief relapse), and frankly still have no drive to start writing music again. but i definitely enjoy things in general now, "really actually fucking enjoy". i feel thrills, excitement, love... so objectively, and clinically, there's no anhedonia anymore. but if i kept struggling to recapture my love of things past, i may not recognize that i've recovered.
  17. Day One

    the excitement of starting something new can definitely help through recovery. the only reason i made it through was that i started seeing someone new, and the excitement of that relationship kept me mentally and otherwise occupied (: if you're starting the new job on Monday, maybe you should start your first clean day tomorrow, so you have a couple of days to vegetate? good luck!!
  18. Trying to get off adderall without CRASHING

    there was this post a few months ago. i read through it- interesting stuff, and just as much shady behavior as you think going on. but ultimately, i'm not a victim- i used adderall to boost performance and get high quite knowingly. this may be more relevant to others.
  19. R-R-R-R-R-RELAPSE (one night only)

    i'm really sorry to hear about this duffman- i can't imagine what it feels like to embarrass yourself in front of your hero. for what it's worth, i know the feeling of having adderall turn on you in at the worst possible time. my friend asked me to sing / play piano at her wedding, for her father daughter dance. several pills later, i bombed... so hard.. in front of hundreds of people. to this day i can't listen to that song without a sinking feeling. (which sucks cause it's in one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons! lol) you'll be fine- it was just that one day. it will be hard, maybe impossible to erase the pain of this memory, but it will always serve as a reminder that adderall leads to disaster.
  20. Day One

    awesome, keep it up! and before you know it it'll be a month and you'll be feeling a lot better! one of best feelings in the world after quitting adderall is not having to worry about those chemical mood swings and dealing with comedowns. for the first couple of months, you may still have some depression, but i think it's still better than dealing with the comedowns. then a few months after that, your mood will stabilize, and it becomes such a relief to feel emotionally normal again. (:
  21. don't trivialize your condition. while it's true that you've only been using for a few months, the danger of adderall is that you can't unknow the feeling of having that "edge". you rationalize that you're not taking that much, or that you're just a casual user and that you can use it in a controlled fashion to get ahead in your career.. that's how it all starts. even in the future, there will be times that you feel pressured or opportunities that demand a lot of effort... and you'll remember the edge. you need to be REAL careful with this, because you can adderall yourself into a job or commitment that demands a lot from you, and then you simply continue to take adderall to maintain that situation. you'll rationalize that it'll only be for a little while, till you get situated, etc. etc. and all of a sudden its 2 years later and quitting seems impossible. see how easy that can happen? you should give yourself some credit for recognizing so early the slippery slope towards dependence and addiction. flush the prescription. walk away from it forever.
  22. Welcome to Hell week? Months ? Years?

    lol, i slept so little during my binges, my alarms were no longer for waking up. they were to remind myself to start getting ready for work cause i'd be up all night obsessed with something or another.
  23. Day One

    yea, this is definitely the toughest part of recovery. it's why the "do nothing" stage is so important if you have that luxury. understandably, many people don't, and the pressure to perform can make it very tempting to return to adderall. here's something to consider: there is a difference between performance and delivery. adderall makes you feel like everything needs to be done at the highest level of excellence. this is why abusing adderall can actually end up making you less productive. when you come off adderall, you can't and shouldn't measure yourself against your adderall self. the regular you is more than capable of delivering under pressure. you just have to re-learn what a sufficient job actually means. it's a skill that every "normal" person has to rely on from time to time. (:
  24. totally this. well said. @Fix good luck on your exam today! i don't know whether you've decided to dose up again, but as others have said, there is never going to be a perfect time to quit.
  25. hi Fix, it sounds like you've had a rough life. i'm very sorry to hear about those things that were out of your control, and how they have led you to your current state. your counselor is right about the poly drug abuse- it's less of a coping strategy and more of an escape, but i'm sure you're already aware of that. i'm sure you're also aware that mixing drugs is always a recipe for disaster, and that adderall overdose sounds like an interaction with the anti-depressant (Wellbutrin?). you have to be really careful, ESPECIALLY, with anti-depressants, because their interactions and side-effects are very unpredictable. health stuff aside, an addiction to adderall is a little different than the other drugs in that it is serving two purposes in your case: enhancing performance (therapeutic) and getting high. unfortunately, once you start using it to get high, there is no way of going back to a regulated usage, much less a therapeutic usage. this is doubly dangerous because your mind is now relying on the rush of adderall to do anything productive, but you're at a level of abuse that doesn't allow for that. what is your school / job situation like now? are you still abusing multiple drugs at once? if so, is rehab an option? given your history of usage and suicidal thoughts, going back on adderall is going to be the most disastrous move you can make. as of now, you are only a year in- NOW is the time to rid your life of it. your life isn't over, your legal troubles are behind you, RIGHT NOW is the time to fight for your life, before it gets worse.