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Everything posted by OffTheDeepEndNow

  1. Scared to death now

    Been reading for almost a year .I have been putting off writing this for awhile .... well first of all because I don't have time to stop and write, second of all I feel about a half inch tall and can't believe that I am in this situation especially as unique as bad as my situation is. I have overwhelming fear that even though I am among people who support each other for things like this mine is way off the deep end and I'm not sure how you will react I have overwhelming fair that even though I am on my port it other things like minus way of keeping and I'm not sure how you react. But at this point I don't have much left to lose Just please don't bash... I am an addict and trust me . I know how bad it is... I'll be as to the point as possible, as I'm winding down a 4 day binge and don't much feel like writing..... Started assets for chronic fatigue and ADHD in January of this year. After feeling like death warmed over for years I finally felt like a human being again. My ADHD is horrible and between that and CF I cannot function normally . forgetting my car is in still in gear and leaving it ... Serious memory and executive functioning issues. I am also a mom of very active kids and run a daycare. I've been binging on adderall from the start , but lately I'm scared.. Very scared. That is what's prompted me to write this . I'm hoping for insight and support and also as a warning to anyone reading this who May be considering adderall or has just started but not hooked yet.... I think I'm losing my mind. The sharp focused ,social "love everyone and everything" superhuman that Adderall made me is looking more like a total B*tch who freaks out at people and hyperfocuses on ignorant things like trying for hours to complete projects that make no sense. Last week I wanted to make baby safety gates. Saw some on a DIY website at 4 am... And got the bright idea. I actually spent 3 hours in The living room floor, attaching fabric to foam science project type boards with staples... Then thumbtacks then when that flopped I tried nails.. I actually ended up nailing it through my hardwood floors... Luckily i have a large rug so no one noticed. I honestly didn't have a clue that what I was attempting was absolutely absurd. A few nights later I snapped out of the daze I was in and realized that I had been online all night researching health insurance plans for my puppy. ALL NIGHT... It was 5:30 am when I realized what time it was. I was once productive and it made sense. Everything was in its place and I was on top of it all. Now I have become obsessed with making lists that never get done and I have piles of well organized junk.. This is where it gets bad.... (Or worse) When I started getting tolerance I got another script...then 2 more ... So now I have 4 and have gone from 40mgs a day to finishing a script in a weekend. I will take 300 to 400 mgs a day of I have it. People say I'm a strong person... And I used to agree. But I cannot seem to stop this. I couldn't handle the crash after such a high dose binge... So I did something horrible. I started buying benzedrex.. Propylhexadrine.... That is the most disgusting low life thing I've ever done..... I am so ashamed but that's my go to when I run out.... Actually I probably take that more often than adderall because I run out so quick. So 120 adderall last me around a week or 10 days .. The I take at least 250 mgs (usually 500) of Propylhexadrine the rest of the month I have started overheating. You know they call it "brain hyperthermia" well it's real .. And it's scary. The night of my baby gate project I was doing all that work with an ice pack on my head.. One under each arm, and each knee, and wiping myself down with ice water and a towel. I still couldn't cool my body. It was so hot I could feel the heat radiating like a furnace. The ice melted as quick as i put it to my skin. That was after around 200 mgs of adderall xr and no sleep for a day or so... Then last night it happened again. I doubled the ice packs and sat still ... My temp never got as high as it was going to because I caught it early and stopped it. I wasn't dehydrated... I never am ... But my skin feels tight and my eyes burn and feel swollen. My heartbeat is slow and hard. My head pounds and my body is covered in bruises. From what , I've not a clue. Happens all the time... 3 weeks ago. When I ran out of adderall ... I was aggravated that the Propylhexadrine wasn't working as well so I took more.. I thought I would die. My heart stopped many times and doubled up to recover.. I just lay there thinking calmly to myself that I did this to myself and if I die tonight it's no one's fault but mine... I swear my heart was quivering... Like V- fib several times. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't keep my eyes open but had no reason to be sleepy. I felt so nauseous I couldn't move.. And the next day, my entire chest all the way to my shoulders felt bruised like very bad pulled muscles. So I know I wasn't hallucinating. I spent my entire paycheck last weekend and I have NO idea where it went. I remember going to petsmart , Lowe's and a few more places. I am angry right now... That I'm out of adderall and coming down. I want to scream. But I will just eat something for the first time in awhile Then go to bed... Feel like absolute he'll tomorrow and freak out /cry over nothing and have insane anxiety for no reason. Here's the kicker: I know that I'm going to die. I tell myself that all the time when I'm doing massive amounts of cleaning and see the sun coming up .. Or staying up for days never eating. Especially when I get so hot and can't cool myself and I can see veins bulging in my head and can SEE my pulse in my abdomen. In that same breath that I say I'm going to die... I say but I won't stop. I keep binging.. I can't control it .. Tonight I finished 2 bottles that I picked up I Friday... Its Monday night..... That's a massive amount of amphetamine. Have I lost my rational mind? The ability to make sensible decisions? Has the neurotoxicity taken its toll finally and I can't gain control now? I cannot stop myself. I know that hyperthermia is DEADLY , usually instantly ... And I do it again The next day? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!? I know I've done some damage ... Especially since I've regularly taken caffeine pills and many other things to potentiate both adderall and Propylhexadrine for a long time .. Even added a gram of L-Tyrosine with adderall for several weeks when my tolerance got so high. Then that stopped working too... I'm up to at least 180mgs a day (like 8 hours) taking it with 200-400mgs of vivarin every dose. Fish oil, magnesium and sometimes sodium bicarb. I should probably already be dead by now right?
  2. Scared to death now

    Took me awhile to log back in... When I came to the site on my phone there was another username I didn't recognize saved in the username field. I know I did not write a post from that username but i don't even remember signing up. That is a strange and scary feeling... I wonder what else I can't remember doing... Yes I have 4 scripts. 2 are mine from the same doctor and 2 I'm supposed to give to my child. He does have ADHD but I would never give my kids adderall, knowing what I know...Tenex is working great for him. His doctor thinks he takes both. Oh and Benzedrex... Ugh ... Its an otc allergy inhaler that's basically meth. Chemically anyway... I only use that to combat withdrawal... Otherwise I wouldn't .. Not that Im excusing myself... I remember when adderall lasted almost a month... Then I would suffer through a few days ...Then maybe a week between scripts... Now I'm lucky to get a weeks use out of a month's worth. Yesterday I took my last 7 20mg XR.. Over about 4 hours.. Lowest dose I've taken in awhile. My mindset was that I had to hurry and cram everything I could into one more day because my productivness depends on adderall. I wonder how I will feel if I actually allow myself to come back down to baseline. I've considered rehab may be my only option... No one had a clue about this... Its just my secret world, so it would definitely come as a shock... Sigh
  3. Scared to death now

    Can't figure out how to edit : have overwhelming fair that even though I am on my port it other things like minus way of keeping and I'm not sure how you react. Should be : overwhelming FEAR , even though I amazing others who have been through the same thing. Sorry