Not gonna lie guys, this is a bit long. I have a lot to say but I promise that if you endure this wall of text you will feel a rejuvenated sense of why you decided to quit in the first place.
I've taken adderall steadily for the past 6 years of my life. I was 19 when I took my first dose and I thought that I had finally found a way to get ahead and utilize my full potential. In case you're super shitty at math, I'm 25 now. Everything was so clear, I was able to focus on tasks for ridiculously long amounts of time, I suddenly had this "inspiration" in my everyday life that I simply didn't have before, I was losing weight (mainly due to forgetting to eat as often) and I was looking great. My skin was glowing and my eyes radiated resolution and confidence.
All of that sounds pretty rad right? Unfortunately, there was one problem; it was all completely synthetic and artificial.
This is not to say that I didn't have the potential to be an efficient powerhouse without the drug, but I wasn't learning how to do it on my own. I was relying on a pill every day to do it for me. I justified my continued abuse in literally any way that I could whether it be "I don't even take that high of a dose" or "my doctor prescribed this to me for a reason right? I need this."
Three years in to my drug fueled lifestyle and I realized that I hadn't accomplished shit. Adderall had gotten me hyped up every day but I somehow ended up falling in to the same cycle of not doing anything to better my life or to get ahead. I continued to waste the high on playing video games or going on youtube tangents for several hours at a time, and usually ended my days by binge drinking myself to sleep. Adderall's euphoric effects simply made me content with achieving nothing.
It was around this same time that I noticed something; my pills didn't seem to be working anymore. I would take my XR at the same time I did every day, but I just seemed to be fast-forwarding through the feel good and arriving at the crash landing. My thought process had become foggy and I didn't enjoy activities that I normally adored (writing/playing music, going to the gym, and in general socializing with others.) I started to develop symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder and was seldomly ever actually happy. My girlfriend of 4 years decided that she couldn't deal with my constant mood swings and unenthusiastic attitude anymore and left me. Not even for another guy; she just preferred being single over having to deal with someone who had lost all confidence and sense of self-worth.
This threw me in to a mild depression, but I never actually dealt with it properly because I didn't have to. I didn't have to, because I had the ultimate fallback, the ultimate safety net; my adderall. I began to become even more reclusive and shit on a few relationships that I had cherished since I was like 8 years old. My personality had shifted from the happy-go-lucky life of the party fun-factory to the strung out pathetic malnourished loser that overcompensated for his lack of substance by getting buff and trying to fuck random girls.
I'm trying to keep this as short as possible guys, I PROMISE you, just bare with me for a little while longer.
Fast-forward to about a month ago. I was on my way home from school (something I should have been finished with 3-4 years ago) when I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear-view mirror while stopped at a red light. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes sported enormous, symmetrical unsightly bags underneath them and were bloodshot and exhausted looking. My skin just seemed pale, lifeless and dry. I forced a smile to maybe alter the image of whoever I was looking at, but it looked forced and to be blatantly honest, rather creepy. Creepy? Me? When did I become that type of person. Everyone loves me. Or at least they used to.
I pulled over, killed the engine and just sat in my car for about 45 minutes. I didn't cry, I didn't listen to music or call anybody; I just sat there and reflected on what the fuck I had been doing for the past 6 years. What the hell was I doing with my life? Why was I so unhappy? It was at this moment that I made quite possibly the best decision of my life. I headed straight home, grabbed my pill bottle and emptied the contents into the toilet. Before I even had time to contemplate rescuing them from their watery grave, I flushed and walked away.
I won't lie, the first two days sucked. I was pretty sapped of energy and ambition, and was getting agitated over the littlest things VERY quickly. I fought back with lots of caffeine and exercise, and once day 3 arrived I woke up with a feeling I was not familiar with at all. I woke up feeling RESTED. I woke up feeling like I had actually slept the night before and that I was naturally motivated to get up and cook breakfast for myself. It was on this same day that I genuinely laughed until I cried at some random stupid shit I saw on the internet. I'd forgotten what that was like, and it was like this warm wave of happiness that rushed over me.
After the first week, I began going to the gym again. Only now, things seemed to be different. I was making eye contact with other gym goers and employees there and even struck up a few random conversations. I caught a couple girls smiling at me as I walked by and thought to myself "holy shit I'm happy." I felt like I was radiating positive vibes and that everyone could tell. The best way I can describe the feeling is that I was finally on the same wavelength as everybody else, and was surfing it like a fuckin pro.
And so here I am; a month after quitting amphetamines and I feel like I'm myself again. My appetite has returned to normal, I'm genuinely excited to see people and I'm hardly ever at home. The best part is that the functionality and efficiency that I had experienced on adderall is now permanently embedded in to my brain. I was able to focus while on the drug, and I now remember how to do so even though I'm off of it.
Quitting Adderall is hands down the best thing that I could have done for myself. I feel more sociable, more approachable, more attractive and a whole hell of a lot healthier. I really hope that anyone who reads this has decided to do the same because nothing but good can come from it. Thank you SO much for reading this and feel free to share your story with me as well.