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Everything posted by bluemoon

  1. Will the drive ever come back?

    Yes - you will be pretty much useless for a while when you quit... but there is definitely hope on the other side. At almost one year clean, I am finally getting an increase in energy and motivation that I thought would NEVER come. I was pretty useless for a long time after quitting. But you just have to get through it and know that it does get better. Progress has been slow but steady. Every day is a little better than the last. Just think - the sooner you quit, the sooner you get back to being your true self, and back to being happy without depending on pills and without planning your whole life around pills. The longer you stay on the pills, the longer you're putting off a happy life.
  2. Decisions...

    Hi everyone! So I am getting close to being a year off Adderall. Some days I feel great, but a lot of days, not so much. One thing I know for sure is that I am doing a million times better than I was while I was taking Adderall. There are no more crazy ups and downs, no more insane bursts of unwarranted anger, no more suicidal thoughts, no more intense cravings for Adderall, no more staying up all night organizing socks or god knows what... Lol. And guess what? I can do my job just fine (if not better) without Adderall, and I can clean my house without taking pills too. Who would have thought?? haha One thing I still do struggle with is fatigue. Still tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. And I still have yet to lose the all the weight I gained - but that's my own fault..... laziness and over eating. I definitely am still struggling with depression, but at this point I don't feel I'm justified in blaming the depression on Adderall withdrawal. While on Adderall, I made a crazy decision to move across the country for a job. I do not think I would have made this decision if I had not been taking Adderall. Not only did I move across the country (I'm in Canada btw)... but I moved way up north in the middle of nowhere!! A small town of 60 000, and the next closest town is 5 hours away. I'm so far north that there are signs on the highway for Alaska, lol. So, it's dark when I wake up, it's dark when I get done work, and there is never much of anything going on. The people are super different here than what I'm used to, and not in a good way. I've been depressed since moving here three years ago. On and off Adderall for two of those years. The Adderall kinda numbed the pain of being stuck in a place that I don't want to be. Yet, if it were not for Adderall, I wouldn't be here. Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what my next move is. I don't think going back to my hometown is the right decision, however I do want to be back east (I am originally from southern Ontario, close to Detroit). Nashville has always been a dream of mine, but it scares me to make such a big move without being 100% sure what I want. And what if I get to Nashville and living there isn't what I thought it would be? The other reason I am having a difficult time making a move is that I get paid 3x the amount here of what I would get paid elsewhere doing the same job. It will be a difficult adjustment financially once I do decide to make a move. I need to stay here at least one more year to be financially ready to make a move. Anyway, sorry for rambling - but my point is that I think I need to make a change in my life to move forward with my recovery. I don't think I'm going to be able to really bounce back from my depression until I change my environment. Hope everyone is having a great day and thanks for listening to my pointless story!! Haha
  3. Decisions...

    I have been to Nashville lots of times - it's only 9 hours south of my hometown, so I used to often go down for long weekends. I just wonder if it would be different actually living there than visiting there for fun. But, you know, I plan on taking some time off after I'm done working up here... So maybe I can take a couple months down there just to see how it goes. Something in my heart is telling me I just have to give it a real shot. I'm kind of leaning toward spring 2018 but that still seems so far away. One thing that kind of scares me is that by the time I'm ready to move, I'll be 30 and single and trying to start a new life in a new place. I'm sure I will manage just fine, it just sounds a bit daunting. But the best part is that I will be doing this all Adderall free!!!! :)
  4. Won the lottery

    Leave it up to Lil Tex to shine a positive light on NOT winning the lottery!! Hehe I love your optimism. I wish I was better at putting a positive spin on negative situations. I'm a bit pessimistic and bitter about life a lot of the time, especially the last couple of years. Is it Joel Osteen you're talking about Lil Tex?? I love listening to him. He has a way of making you turn your negative thoughts into more positive thoughts. Maybe I should spend some more time listening to him. Frank, do you make a lot more money running your own business than you would make working for someone else? I know it's a lot of work but having your own business is usually much more rewarding than working for someone else. And you don't have someone telling you what to do all the time. Haven't had a chance to watch the video you posted here yet Frank, I'll have to check it out later today when I'm done work.
  5. HOPE

    Lil Tex, you are amazing!! I admire you so much and you're such an inspiration to us all. xo
  6. My body is attacking me!

    YAY! Proud of you! You're awesome. You got this. Hopefully it won't be so bad since you stepped down gradually!
  7. My body is attacking me!

    I agree with oswhid. At this point the 5mg is probably just making you feel worse. You would probably feel better if you just stop all together at this point. But that's just my opinion I had CRAZY stomach issues after I quit. I was nauseous 24/7 and I had some weird shit going on with my stomach. I ended up going on Nexium for a few months and it helped. I don't have to take it anymore and my stomach seems fine now. I think my stomach issues stopped around 6 months after quitting. I also work in a very fast paced job and I was terrified of what would happen when I quit. I thought I would lose everything. Somehow I managed to get through the days (I don't how how I did it - but I did it), and here I am a year later, able to do my job just fine without taking pills I thought I "needed". Congrats on finally making the decision to quit. You just made the best decision of your life Come here often, it helps a lot. The support here got me through my worst days, days where I didn't think I could go on anymore.
  8. 300mg per day = DONE WITH AND LIVING!!!

    Yes! Tell us more How long ago did you quit?
  9. Flow is back!

    Welcome back, flow!! Sounds like you actually had a pretty good year, even though it was a tough one How are you feeling lately?? Still tired at all?? I'm still struggling with fatigue pretty badly.
  10. Hello

    PS - House, welcome to the boards!! I look forward to hearing your full story
  11. Hello

    Frank, I'm in the same boat. No matter how much I sleep, I still wake up tired. And not just "tired", but more like completely exhausted. 24/7. I can feel this exhaustion through my entire body. I feel it in my head, I feel it in my arms/legs/back... It just sort of feels like a heavy feeling, like I'm super weighed down. I keep asking myself if I will ever stop feeling like this. I still remember what "normal" felt like and it definitely was not like this. My boss took our entire staff to Vegas this past weekend and omg, it was pure hell for me. Everyone wanted to get out and see and do things all day and all night long. All I kept thinking was how badly I wanted to go to bed or go back home. Like come on... I was in freaking VEGAS and I was too tired to enjoy it one bit. I really hope this does get better. It is no way to live.
  12. Hey Jen!! I've been thinking about you!! I was also worried when we hadn't heard from you in a while. Glad you came back!! Woohoo for finally finishing your taper So proud of you!!
  13. I'm back (again) and i cut off the source.

    It's so refreshing to see a post where someone is actually taking serious steps in making their quit successful!! I went back and read some of your posts from before. Seems like the hardest part of quitting for you, was not being able to find pleasure in anything. Not a fun way to live. I can definitely relate. I often wonder if I've done some permanent damage myself... But I guess only time will tell. Anyway, it sounds like you know what you're in for for the next while. It won't be easy, but we are here for you!! I think, a lot of times, it takes a few unsuccessful attempts at quitting, and really hitting rock bottom to be ready to quit, once and for all. I and many others around here can attest to the fact that if you don't cut off your source, your quit will NOT be successful!! But you've gone ahead and done that without us even having to badger you about it, and I couldn't be more proud!! You've got this!!
  14. Suspect wife uses more than she admits

    Agreed with dadof3finally free, this isn't a problem that's going to be solved in one conversation at the dinner table. Quitting is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Has she tried to quit before?? I can't even count how many times I tried to quit before actually committing fully. And once I did finally commit, it has been without a doubt, the hardest year of my entire life. I am 10 months in and still not really feeling like myself. And what does she mean that she's only taking the "active ingredient" in Adderall but not actual Adderall?? Hmm.. Does she mean to say that she's on dexedrine?? I do wish you the best but you have a long road ahead of you. That's great that you guys can get away for vacation but be prepared for her to pretty much be a bump on a log and a bit moody. I pretty much couldn't get out of bed for the first little while, so be prepared for that. If she's serious about quitting, she definitely needs someone to talk to other than you. Someone who understands. I was never able to actually quit until I got on the discussion boards here. I needed that daily support from people who have been there and actually understand. Nobody can truly understand this addiction unless they have been there. I hope this story has a happy ending and I hope she means it when she says she wants to quit. If either of you have any questions, you know where to ask
  15. Just wondering, particularly for the ladies, at what point in recovery did you feel you were able to get a hold on your weight?? I gained 35+ lbs post quitting, and it all came on REALLY fast (within the first couple of months). I have lost around 5 or 6 lbs of that weight, but I'm having trouble really being able to get my weight under control. I do go to the gym, but not as often as I should. I do ok following a healthy diet during the day while I'm at work and busy, but after work I find myself SO FREAKING EXHAUSTED and hungry that I just lay on the couch and eat random stuff until it's time for bed lol I do think that if I were able to get a better grip on my weight that I would feel better. I think my weight contributes to my depression and not wanting to be social (I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now). I also think I would probably have a lot more energy if I wasn't carrying all this extra weight around. Anyway, I would love to know how long it took you to feel ready to get back down to your ideal weight after quitting.
  16. I just wanna say thanks to everyone who's posted! Your words gave me that little "kick in the butt" that I needed to hear. You guys are right, it's like I'm sitting here waiting for motivation to randomly strike me like a lightning bolt out of the sky lol. I need to cut the excuse of not going after work because I'm too exhausted. I gotta just push through it and go!! I have two girls at work who I go to fitness classes with and we all keep "talking" about how we need to start going more, but we keep making excuses. So, enough with the excuses right? I feel like at 10 months in, I can't use my recovery as an excuse anymore. I gained the weight, I accepted that it was going to happen after I quit, and now I want to lose the weight.... So I need to get out there and DO IT. I do have a question though.. How do you guys feel about a pre-workout drink for a little pick-me-up?? It's mostly caffeine based. I'm unsure about whether it's "ok" to use something like that while recovering from a stimulant addiction. Thoughts?
  17. Had to Know, Now I know

    Frank speaks the truth and that is why he is liked & respected by so many on the board. Sorry but I am with Frank on this one. I don't think he was trying to be mean at all. Duffman is right. Shame dumping/gas lighting.. All of us addicts did it. Adderall abuse can mimic bipolar disorder. A lot of people do get misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder but they're really just in the middle of a deep and dark addiction. Lil Tex, I can see your point of view as well. I've had to bite my tongue a few times here because I didn't want to be mean. However, I do think Maisy needs some tough love ... as well as positive encouragement. But positive encouragement alone is just not going to cut it here. I remember when I was just on the brink of quitting but didn't know how to stop, it was someone's "tough love" message that woke me up and made me actually FINALLY follow through on quitting. I was so offended at the time when I read the post, but after thinking about it for a while, it honestly was the last straw and the breaking point for me to say goodbye to the pills for good.
  18. Had to Know, Now I know

    I thought you were pregnant???
  19. The Six Month Challenge

    Sorry it's been a hard week!! But congrats on 6 months!! That's huge. Thank God it didn't work out with the psychiatrists... Everything happens for a reason. You don't want to throw these 6 months away!! Keep pushing on, you're doing great.
  20. Maisy, I was thinking the same thing - that maybe the therapist is on Adderall too lol oswhid - You're right about the gaslighting. When I was on Adderall, nothing was ever my fault and I blamed everything on others, particularly my boyfriend at the time. I always made it seem like every problem in our relationship was his fault. And I surely would never let the pills take the blame. I "NEEDED" them (or so I was convinced at the time)... it is so fucked up thinking about what kind of person I was when I was taking those pills. It makes me so angry at myself! Yogichris, thanks for the kind words/support. I hope you follow your heart and do what is best for you. You've gotten lots of great advice here. We are all here to talk any time!
  21. Feeling some postive changes lately : )

    That's awesome Frank. Glad to hear things are looking up for you. I've been feeling pretty shitty over here lol. Maybe I should try cutting out caffeine and see what happens.
  22. Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you. I definitely think everything that you described is a direct result of long term usage and abuse. And your therapist sucks. Get rid of him/her. I find it disgusting that the therapist is defending his Adderall abuse. How does it make it ok to take extra pills if he tells you about it? It's never ok to go over your prescribed dose. That is called Adderall abuse and is a sign of addiction. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but maybe this guy isn't the guy for you. It doesn't sound like he is ready to quit any time soon. If you stick around, let me tell you, there is a long, dark and painful road ahead of you. You deserve so much better!! Go find yourself a man who is loving and attentive and ready for a family. Not someone who's life revolves around pills. I apologize if my message is a bit harsh. But I just would hate to see you waste any more time on someone who doesn't deserve you.
  23. Feeling out of control

    There is no secret. If there was a secret, then the last 9 1/2 months would have been a breeze for me. You just have to face the truth. If you continue down the path you're on, your life is going to continue to fall apart, and the longer you continue to let this drug have a hold on you, the harder the "real you" is going to be to get back.
  24. Monthly Check-in / one year update

    HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY RENASCIDO!!! What an amazing accomplishment!! So happy for you and so proud of you.

    You're over 1/3 of the way there hope89!!