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Everything posted by bluemoon

  1. Does the season change help you?

    Frank, I'm feeling the exact same lately. Not good but not bad, just nothing. Blah!! That's why I haven't been writing much on here lately, I just don't really have a lot to say right now. Traceme, the best days of your life are still ahead of you. I love the way you worded it, that in the spring you will grow and blossom. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves that time to just be down and out for a bit. I always get a little depressed in the winter, and I usually feel more content in the spring and summer. However, the past few years there hasn't really been any happiness, even when I was on Adderall haha. Hoping sobriety brings me the happiness I am longing for.
  2. Telling others about my addiction

    I agree that talking about your addiction is instrumental in recovery, so thank God for this site because I don't have anyone else in my life who could actually understand. I definitely would never tell anyone I work with. I have told very few people about my addiction. It took me a couple months after quitting to tell my boyfriend at the time. And I have told only three of my best friends that I have known for 25 years. I come from a group of friends where none of them have touched hard drugs, I was the only one of the bunch who ever did. I haven't really gone into too much detail with them, because they don't really understand. I had a friend I used to party with and do drugs with that I cut out of my life just before I quit. I knew I could never stay clean with her in my life. Even when I was trying to quit and had managed to stay clean a couple of months, she would always somehow justify why it was ok to take drugs "just this time". So I would end up back in the same cycle again. She was my best friend but very toxic and a bad influence in my life, and I wanted my life to change, so I had to let her go. I still miss her every day and have some of the best memories of my life with her, but she's continued down the path of alcoholism and drug use and she doesn't think she has a problem. Anyway, some people say tell EVERYONE, that way there is a bit more accountability. But personally, I feel like not everyone needs to know, and I don't want to be judged or viewed as an addict. Most people could never really understand unless they've been in your shoes. But in the end, it's all up to you and what works for your life.
  3. Monthly Check-in / one year update

    August was ok. I'm at the 9 month mark. I also thought by now that I would be fully recovered, but that's not really the case. I have definitely come a long way and I have made some progress, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. I wish I had more energy, less anxiety, and I wish I felt happier. It will all come with time, I suppose! Can't believe you are almost at a year, Renascido. Amazing.

    Congrats on four days. Did you get rid of all your Adderall?? And cut off your supply?? I'm not sure how I feel about the xanax..... Do you really need it?? I've never taken it but I understand it is also extremely addictive.
  5. Caffine= Anxiety?

    Thanks for the shout out, Frank. Congrats to you as well. It's been a huge comfort to have you along for the ride through our recovery. Renascido, do you feel any different at the 1 year mark than you have the last couple months? I feel like we should have some sort of an online celebration on your anniversary lol As for the caffeine, well, I feel like that would be really hard for me to give up. Sometimes I take a break for a week or two, and you're right Frank, I do feel less anxiety and I do sleep a bit better. But I feel like giving it up completely would be a lot to ask of myself.
  6. Everyone doing ok?

    Same here Frank, started experimenting with drugs in high school when I was about 16. I wasn't necessarily steadily on drugs the whole time but I always liked to party. Once I found Adderall, I didn't really need the party drugs anymore so I just stuck to the Adderall. Well I can honestly say I never really knew what "addiction" felt like until Adderall. Feeling like I "needed" a drug just to get out of bed and function was a scary thing. But if one good thing has come out of it, my addiction to Adderall was so bad that it has scared me away from any and all drugs all together. I really do hope we can find a happy life on the other side of this and we don't just stay lazy, miserable and bored forever.
  7. Everyone doing ok?

    Yeah Frank, I feel the same way. Didn't get out of my pajamas today and had a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. A beautiful summer day and I wasted it away. Some days are better than others for sure.
  8. Everyone doing ok?

    Dan, 3 months is still VERY early in recovery... What you're experiencing is very normal for that stage. I wish I could say it gets better soon but just like Frank said, basically months 3-7 were very, very hard for me. The 8th month has been not as bad so far. I'm starting to notice small improvements in my mood and energy. BeHereNow, when it rains it pours, doesn't it?? Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. I hope you can find some light in your days. Hugs.
  9. Everyone doing ok?

    PS - Renascido, how crazy that you are almost at A WHOLE YEAR!! What an accomplishment!! Proud of you. Stay positive
  10. Everyone doing ok?

    I'm doing alright over here, but I'm not really sure actually. I feel like something MAY be starting to turn around for the better... I don't feel "good" yet, but I don't feel "bad" either, if that makes any sense!! Lol. I made it out of the house to be social TWICE this past weekend, and I even made it to the gym too. That's gotta be some kind of record haha. How are things going with you Frank??
  11. Temptations

    Wow Frank! This just goes to show how far you have come in just 8 months. The temptation was there and it would have been so easy for you to say yes, but you didn't!! You are beating not only one addiction, but TWO. What you did in that moment took a lot of strength and determination. This was a test and you passed with flying colors. You've got this beat!
  12. 6 months

    You're doing great William!!! Just keep pushing through. Don't forget what you're feeling is normal and we all felt the same way around that time in recovery. I also wanted to give up at times. But seriously you will feel better soon, just hang in there!!
  13. I almost gave up hope....

    Yay!! So glad to hear I'm just over 8 months and I feel like I'm FINALLY beginning to feel just a little bit better every day. I can't quite say I'm feeling totally like myself before the pills yet, but hoping it is just around the corner for me too Congrats on 9 months and may things continue to only get better for you
  14. 6 months

    Funny, I got hooked on Adderall because of my depression too. At first I thought I had found my miracle drug. I thought it would last forever and I could finally live a normal life. In hindsight, if only I had known it would end up making the depression a million times worse and creating a massive shitstorm. Lol
  15. 6 months

    Glad to help! I was feeling really bad for a long while (the most intense anxiety of my life, mixed with depression), but I am slowly noticing things starting to get better. I'm definitely not 100% where I want to be, but it is beginning to get easier. I know it's hard to believe we'll ever feel better when you feel like such shit. I remember Doge saying to me once, the worse you feel right now, the better it's going to feel when the pendulum swings back the other way
  16. 6 months

    Hey William, I don't know why we all suddenly experienced severe anxiety out of nowhere right around the 5-6 month mark, but it seems like it's a stage we all go through around that time. Just keep pushing on! You're doing great. There are better days ahead.
  17. I've never heard of a court order to take stimulants either. But anyway, if you want to quit, why don't you just tell your shrink you're having problems and would like to stop? They can't force you to take Adderall. That doesn't make sense to me.
  18. Appetite returns

    Good to hear Frank!! I wish my depression killed my appetite, but unfortunately it's the other way around lol. I have been wanting to ask you, did you ever find your dog?
  19. 6 months

    Keep it up William!! 6 months is amazing!! I know it hasn't been easy, but you made it through. The hardest days are behind us. Nowhere but up from here!! I always feel bad for posting how shitty I feel too, in fear of discouraging others from quitting. But we have to be honest about our recovery. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It helps me and the others that quit around the same time frame when we can discuss how we are all experiencing the same things. Unfortunately, it's all part of the process. If the truth discourages someone from quitting, well then maybe they just aren't ready. That's my two cents anyway. Lol
  20. 5.5 Month Update with my Recovery

    Are you in med school duffman?? Wishing you luck in your clinical rotation. It will be tough but I know you can do it! Also, I agree with the others that it is encouraging to watch you recover at such a nice pace. I feel like I should try to focus more on the positive changes in my recovery more. It's so easy to take for granted all the small improvements along the way when we spend all our time focusing on the negative.
  21. Intervention (the show)

    Just a random thought. I noticed that they don't ever have episodes of Intervention related to Adderall abuse. I've seen an episode related to pretty much other addiction, including addiction to prescription pain pills... I wonder why not Adderall?? I feel like it is just as significant of an addiction and it affects SO many people.
  22. It's almost comical looking back on some of the stuff we considered "productive" while on Adderall. And how sad that we can all relate in one way or another to wasting so much precious time on something that never really mattered in the grand scheme of things. However, it is wonderful how far we have come to be able to look back and recognize how seriously wrong it all was.
  23. What is happening to me

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way I'm feeling the exact same way over here at 8 months... you couldn't have described it better. I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to propose while feeling like this. You want to be happy when you propose and you want to be totally present, and have it be a day you remember. I know it's kind of different, but I feel that way about dating. I would like to try dating, but I feel like I have to be happy first... I can't start a relationship while feeling this way. While I was on Adderall, I took a job thousands of miles across the country and uprooted my whole life and moved here. I'm living way up north, close to Alaska. Isolated from the world, no family, no friends... I wonder if that has anything to do with why I'm feeling so crappy. But then again, I went home for a visit last month and spent most of my time there depressed in bed. Can't win. I don't know what I want, other than to not feel this way anymore. I don't know what would make me happy, but I'm also feeling like I need a change. Although, I'm stuck where I live for at least another year or two because of financial reasons. Sounds like your life could definitely benefit from a change too. I know I would be burnt out if I were working a full time job and doing school on top of it. That's way too much, especially when you're feeling like garbage. And it sucks that your girlfriend is so far away Does she plan on staying there permanently?? Do you think you would like to move to Utah?? Hope things get better for us soon...
  24. I hope I don't feel that way in three years I'm sorry you're still struggling.
  25. New Concerned Adderall Taker

    You can do this!! But if you're serious about quitting, you need to get rid of your pills and your access to the pills. You can't have the option of taking a pill if you're feeling crappy.