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Everything posted by bluemoon

  1. He left me.

    I'm SO sorry Traceme..... Wish I could give you a big hug.
  2. For me it was mostly just cleaning and rearranging things. I would ditch seeing friends just so I could clean my house. Or I would be out with friends and go home early so I could tackle some ridiculous cleaning or organizational task. Sometimes I would sit at my computer for a literally a full day just organizing my files into folders. What a waste. I don't think I ever really did anything crazy like you're describing... I don't think I ever got to a high enough dose for that, which I am thankful for.
  3. New Concerned Adderall Taker

    Stop now while you can. My doctor tried to cut me off at about 4 months after I started taking Adderall, when he noticed I was upping my dose without his consent and I absolutely LOST IT when I ran out early one month. What I didn't realize then, was that he was trying to save me from this hell I have created for myself. I was so mad at him for cutting me off, and it didn't take long for me to find another doctor that was willing to subscribe it to me. And the whirlwind continued... I thought I had found my magic pill that solved all my problems. I grew dependent on it, I couldn't get out of bed without it, and needed more and more to get the same effect. Eventually, a few months later, I realized I had an addiction. An addiction that wasn't sustainable longterm, and it didn't even feel good at high doses anymore.. In fact, it made me feel HORRIBLE and unable to function normally. I wasted the next TWO YEARS "trying to quit" more times than I can count, going on and off this horrible drug... Until one day I said enough is enough. I signed up on this site and made my first post, got some much needed support and advice, flushed my pills, told my doctor I had a problem and I never want it prescribed to me again (this step is crucial to success in quitting), and here I am almost 8 months later, STILL dealing with post acute withdrawal syndrome. So, not only did I waste 3 years on that awful drug, but now I have spent the better part of a year suffering with the consequences I have to face from abusing Adderall. Depression, lethargy, anxiety, extreme weight gain, anhedonia, zero motivation, the list goes on.... And I still have a long way to go in recovery. In summary, what I'm trying to say is QUIT NOW and don't end up like me.
  4. TBI + post traumatic epilepsy

    Haha, it definitely does help to know that we're all in the same boat. I think I would go crazy without this site to remind me that what we're all experiencing is normal and part of the healing process. It sounds like it takes about 2 years for most people to feel "fully recovered", but the first year just plain sucks. I also have a bit of insomnia, but it's weird because I'm SO tired and all I want to do is sleep, but sometimes I just can't. Or I will wake up every 30 minutes and look at the clock. And the anxiety, well it is just insane. I don't think I expected the anxiety to get worse, I thought it would be the other way around. If only we had known what we know now prior to starting.. Ugh! Lesson learned. A hard lesson, but we will be better and stronger for it in the end.
  5. TBI + post traumatic epilepsy

    Hello and welcome I am at 7 1/2 months and I absolutely am experiencing everything you described. It's been really hard! It is hard to say whether your issues are post acute withdrawal or from your TBI... it may be a little bit of both?? Hang in there!! You're doing great
  6. Differences in addictions

    I feel like I should add that it's not ALL bad 100% of the time. I don't want to discourage anyone from quitting. Quitting was the best decision I could have made. Even though I am not where I want to be yet, I am still a million times better off this way than being a slave to such an awful addiction. I still work 40-50 hours per week and I do just fine at work, it's when I get home that I absolutely crash and shut the world out and bask in my misery... LOL
  7. Differences in addictions

    What to expect: Constant fatigue (I go to bed at 8-9pm every night, and nap all weekend), no motivation to do anything, anxiety like I have never had before in my life, depression, inability to enjoy anything at all, inability to be social, just an overall "empty" feeling. I had relapsed many times while trying to quit in the past, just trying to get rid of these awful feelings. The only thing that keeps me sober today is this site. If it weren't for this site and the wonderful people here, and if I had not cut off my supply completely, I would have relapsed by now for sure. I hope my super negative post doesn't scare you away from quitting. I'm just being honest about how my recovery has gone so far. I suppose it's still early though at 7 1/2 months. Looking forward to passing the 1 year mark. Everyone's path of recovery is different, and some people start feeling better much sooner. You can do this and you seem like you're ready. Just be sure to come back here lots... This place has been my saving grace!
  8. Anyone else better towards evening?

    Frank, did you find your dog yet??
  9. Crippling anxiety...

    I have been having some pretty intense anxiety lately. I think it is actually the worst anxiety I have ever had in my life. I do ok if I keep my life simple and routine, but once something even just mildly stressful gets thrown into the mix, I feel like I'm having a heart attack and I can barely breathe. I especially have been having trouble being social. I do just fine around people at work all day, but once that's done, I've usually hit my limit and I can't see anyone after work or on the weekend without feeling completely anxious and drained of all my energy. I can't remember this ever being an issue until I first started trying to quit Adderall. This would often get so hard for me that most often, I used to end up relapsing and taking a pill just so that I could leave my house. I thought I would be able to get my social life back after quitting Adderall, but I'm even having a really hard time leaving my house to see my best friends that I have known my whole life. I don't really know where to go from here... This has been the hardest 7 months of my life. I can't believe I have stuck it out this far and I am very proud of myself. But I need this anxiety/depression to go away. I can't keep going like this. I really am not interested in taking any more pills (depression/anxiety meds) but I feel like I need to do SOMETHING.... What can I do??
  10. Anyone else better towards evening?

    Anyone know where I can get a time machine?? lol
  11. Anyone else better towards evening?

    Mornings are definitely worse for me. I think it's because there is a WHOLE DAY of shit ahead and it can be overwhelming. Evenings typically do tend to be a little easier for me because I can finally relax. Except for last night, last night sucked. Mind was racing and not able to sleep. I guess it just depends on the day. You're right, one day at a time...
  12. I have to agree with quit-once. Although meth and Adderall do have some similarities, they are still very different. Meth is a dirty drug made on the streets and has all kinds of crap in it. Meth users don't tend to be able to hold a job or any sort of a normal life. Meth users also tend to physically deteriorate at a much worse level (usually anyway). I'm not saying that makes it ok to take Adderall, and I'm not saying the two drugs are complete polar opposites, but they are definitely not one in the same.
  13. Crippling anxiety...

    Thanks for that Lil Tex, it means a lot. You always know the right things to say!! You are so right though. Growth happens when we are uncomfortable. Sometimes we don't see it as growth because it's painfully slow, but it is happening. I absolutely hate dating haha. I don't drink very often, but I can't imagine being able to make it through the first date jitters without having a drink or two. So, big props to you for being able to stay strong in the most awkward situation ever!! I wish you luck in the dating world. I know you will find someone great because you deserve someone amazing. I can tell what a beautiful person and beautiful soul you are just from your posts on here. Just remember, we have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince
  14. Crippling anxiety...

    Welcome to the boards William, and thanks for posting. I appreciate your input. I know pills aren't the answer, as they are what got me into this mess in the first place... but I just really hope I don't feel this way forever. It's hard watching other people live their life while I struggle to get out of bed and leave my house on a daily basis. It's summer (my favorite time of year) and I thought by now I would be able to go out and enjoy life a bit, but that just hasn't been the case unfortunately. I hate to always sound like such a downer on here but I just don't have anyone else who understands. So thanks for listening. I'll do my best to shut up and stop complaining for a while. Lets hope I see some improvement soon (although I don't have my hopes set too high for that actually happening)...
  15. Crippling anxiety...

    Thanks Frank. That is just what I needed to hear. It's just hard.
  16. Crippling anxiety...

    I kinda feel like I'm waiting for something that's never gonna happen. I feel like I've created this fairy-tale image in my head of how great my life will be when I'm feeling better, and it's never going to happen. I have been thinking back to my days before Adderall and I did always struggle with depression on and off. Maybe this is just how I am... miserable, sad, tired, bitter. Maybe I do need some help from medication to function like a normal person??
  17. Cause of your anxiety?

    I usually experience the anxiety when I am overwhelmed. Either overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do (I am a lazy turd since quitting), overwhelmed with expectations of others (like you said, you feel pressure to be able to do all the things you were able to do on Adderall. People get used to you being the most productive worker, and suddenly you are the complete opposite. It is hard but you have to do what is best for you!! Screw everyone else). I also get overwhelmed when something goes wrong (I tend to overreact and get crazy anxiety), overwhelmed with having to be social when I don't feel like it (which is pretty much always), overwhelmed when faced with drama (I try to steer clear of this one as much as possible, but there is a lot of drama/fighting/arguing at my workplace. Very toxic environment. Even if I am not involved in the drama, just being around it is extremely draining to me and causes a lot of anxiety). Essentially just anything that would be a minor stressor for the average person is amplified x a million. So basically, life in general is causing my anxiety, and I have anxiety all of the time lol.... However, I do find that if I stick to a routine and trying to keep my life as simple as possible does help and makes the anxiety manageable. Avoiding caffeine is also important for me, as it kicks my anxiety into overdrive. Hope this helps and I want you to know that you CAN do this!!! If I can do it, you can do it. You just have to really, really want to stop, and imagine the beautiful life ahead of you once you feel better. It's a long, extremely tough road... But there is so much more to life than this addiction.
  18. Sore and tired

    Awesome job Frank!!! What an accomplishment. Making progress, slowly but surely. Imagine where we will be a year from now
  19. Crippling anxiety...

    I agree LilTex, I do think it's just situational anxiety. I didn't recognize that fact right away and was wondering what the heck was going on with me. I'm just not at a point in my recovery where I was ready to travel across the country, but I did it anyway. I knew I didn't want to go on the trip but I did anyway, to please other people of course, which is never the right reason to make a decision. I think that's how I got stuck in the Adderall cycle in the first place, trying to be a super human and make everyone else happy. Anyway, lesson learned and I won't be doing any more traveling until I feel ready and actually want to travel on my own terms. Frank, I just went back and read your posts on the anxiety. Seems we are always dealing with the same struggles. It helps to know I'm not alone. I just have to remember to keep my life as simple as possible to try to keep the anxiety at bay. Now is not the time for trying new things or traveling or trying to make people happy and trying to be a social butterfly ...... I'm just not ready! Those things will hopefully come in time, but I'm just not ready to jump into all that just yet.
  20. Crippling anxiety...

    Doge, thanks for the encouragement. I do suppose I have made it through the hardest part. I read an article on PAWS yesterday though, and it kept mentioning that these feelings usually last about two years. I just can't imagine feeling this way for that much longer. 7 months has been long enough. On top of the years I felt like crap while still taking the pills. It's just a LONG stretch of time to not feel like yourself, and to wonder if you'll ever feel like yourself again. I know they say it gets better and not every day sucks, but I am just not seeing that light at the end of the tunnel right now. I don't think it's any of those things ... The only thing I drink is water. I had cut out caffeine a couple months ago because I felt like it was making me feel even more tired than I already was. My diet could be a little better food wise, not sure if that's what's going on ... I feel the exact same way. While taking Adderall, I was in a constant state of panic. When I first quit, although I felt like crap, I did feel a sense of calmness. You would think the anxiety would get better, not suddenly just peak at 7 months in. Ugh. I will say that I am currently on vacation at my mother's house and her dog is psycho and keeps attacking my dog, which is adding stress. I had to fly with my dog to get here and that was also a bit much for me to handle stress-wise. I'm out of my normal routine right now and it's the first time I've traveled since quitting. I don't think I was actually quite ready to handle a trip across the country, but here I am.. and hating every second of it. This is supposed to be a nice break, but it definitely doesn't feel like one. I have no desire to see any old friends or even go out and do anything. Anyway..... Hopefully once I get back to my normal routine, my anxiety can take it down a couple notches.
  21. Do you ever regain the feeling for love?

    Frank, it's crazy how I feel the exact same way you are describing. I worry that I won't ever be able to feel that way about someone again. I haven't been intimate with anyone in over a year and I have no desire to any time soon. Not interested in dating or anything like that right now either. I can only hope that eventually I will be in a place where I don't feel this way anymore. It's no way to live, really...
  22. No looking back

    Very proud of you Frank!!! You have come such a long way.
  23. 9 months clean update

    Happy for you! It's nice to hear you're noticing significant improvement finally I'm still in the stage where I feel like that will never happen for me. I will say that my days are not as agonizing as they were, but I still am feeling a whole lot of "nothing". Absolutely nothing at all... In the early days of my recovery, people said the first month is the hardest. Then after that, they said the first three months are the hardest. I pushed through those months in so much pain. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I made it through. I still felt little to no improvement for a few months after that, and everyone kept saying it gets easier after six months. I will admit it is a little bit easier now than it had been in previous months, and I've even made it back to the gym this month finally... but I am dying to just feel SOMETHING!! I want to really live again, and not just "exist". So now I eagerly wait for that 9 month (hopefully) milestone... haha I really am happy for you though. Thanks for giving me a small glimmer of hope that I can actually start "living" at some point in the near future.
  24. Aniexty Overwhelming

    Doesn't it take 4-6 weeks to notice improvement with antidepressants Frank? They take a while to build up in your system and take effect. However, I've tried my fair share of antidepressants in the past and I found that the side effects weren't worth it.
  25. Almost a year off of adderall!!

    Congrats. Very inspiring. I am looking forward to the day I can say it's been a year for me. Are you able to feel happiness again yet?? That's something I am struggling with. It's been a very long, exhausting, boring, and depressing six months for me. I do notice some small improvements as of late, but haven't felt real "happiness" in a long time.