FadingFast

I wrote something for my family, relatives, friends, but I have no intention of sending it. I apologize if it is all a bit jumbled up and incoherent. I am still in the midst of my own spiral. Maybe if and when I truly succumb to this addiction, someone who knows me in real life can stumble upon this, if ever that happens. Buried Underneath a Layer of Dusty Lies on a Table by FadingFast I am sorry. I know my words do not mean much, as I have hurt way too many people close to me with my words, my actions and inactions, my decisions and indecisions, and as one person simply put it, my “own fuck ups.†I wish I could explain to you all about why I am the way I am and why I do the things I have done and have continued to do so, but I have nothing at all that I can express into words to show everyone I have hurt how much remorse and guilt and sorrow and pain and loneliness I have inside of me. I do not know if any of that makes any sort of sense, and I apologize if these words I have written so far seem all-too self-serving, but I assure you with all of my heart and whatever is left of the credibility in myself – the remaining truths covered in thick layers of dusty lies – that I am sorry. I do not know if ever I am allowed to reclaim and reestablish the relationships that I once shared with any of you. I want that back so bad. I want to be me again, so bad. I want to be happy again. So bad. In this pathetic, lonely, dark, worthless and self-centered world that I live in, I want anyone who still cares to know that you have done nothing wrong whatsoever on your part. And whatever choice you have made for yourself in order to protect yourself from this piece-of-shit loser you once called a friend, brother, uncle, cousin, son, is the right choice. I would cut myself off as well. I do not want to use the word “abandon†for that word in itself is misleading. No one has abandoned me. I, have abandoned myself. If ever there is a way out of this, I will have to find it myself. Maybe I am already aware of a way out of this, but the unloving soul of mine is too consumed in its own misery and despair that it cares not to ever return to who I once was – friend, brother, uncle, cousin, son. At this point, I do not know if this is even the real me typing these thoughts and these words out onto this monitor. It could be the devil known as addiction that is putting it all out there. Having realized that right now, at this particular moment and shaky state of mind I am in, maybe I should take back what I had earlier said about being sorry and being remorseful. I can understand why anyone would ever want to believe anything I have to say. I mean, how many times have I said that, right? The fault lies on no one else but myself. I guess the only truth to what I am attempting to express here is that when all of this dust and layers of lies and deceit that has settled on top of the table that we once shared and laughed and cried and experienced the good and the happiness with each other, you will find that the words I have once written on that same table -- the words “I love you†-- has never faded away. It has never done so, nor will it ever fade away. Please know that. Please understand that. Please realize that that is the only truth that I can give you right now. Now the question of “how can this idiot have the audacity to try and express love to others when in truth he does not even know what love is or how to love himself enough, to get back to our good graces – to get back to this table?†Fair. But love can never be underestimated. Nor can it ever be lost. One just has to dig deep within himself/herself in order to find himself back to that table you’re all still sitting at and sharing your happy lives together with each other. Right now, from where I stand, on the outside, I still see you all. I miss that so much. I want to come in. I am ready to come in. It is cold and dreary and lonely out here by myself. I just hope there is still an empty chair left for me to sit in and join everyone around that table.

Thank you. You are amazing. That hit me hard.

Hey guys I'm still here. Last night I couldn't sleep and I had class at 8am. I've been up since waking up to a "great night's sleep" from the day before. I only took 45mg today and surprisingly, I haven't taken any Xanax yet. It's weird because I'm very tired but I can't seem to fall asleep. I just popped two L-Tyrosine capsules (1000mg each) and a 10mg Paxil. Hopefully the Paxil knocks me out to sleep. btw, today is my niece's birthday and my addiction has gone so bad that I pretended I was asleep in my room when they tried to knock to see if I wanted to go to the party with them. All I do is stay home, in my room, and communicate with people through messageboards now. This is pretty f'ng pathetic. Why am so scared of being around people? I hate this.

Good evening all, I am forever grateful and appreciative for all of your advice, words of encouragement, and sharing of experiences and success stories. You guys don't know how helpful you've been. I woke up after a good night's sleep (finally). Good sleep is sporadic for me these days. I was feeling better upon waking up so I decided to start studying, and once again I felt inadequate like I always do without Adderall. I have severe ADHD, along with a host of other issues. And once again, I was too weak to push through without Adderall so I took my usual dose of 60mgs. I was fine for a few hours then again that anxiety started crawling up the back of my neck like sharped-nailed fingers and I started feeling like I would go down to how I felt last night. I came back on here and saw that there have been responses to my post and I read them and they've truly helped stop and alleviate (a bit) of my downward spiral into total bleak and hopelessness once again. Honestly, I canNOT thank you all enough for the advice and supportive words. I just wish my real life friends who have lost all hope and abandoned me understood my condition like you guys. To quote one of them, I'm the "junkie pill-head junkie fuck who will always be a nothing in life." LILTEX41, doge, WTFadderall, I can't thank you all enough. If it's ok, let me ask you guys something with regards to psychosis. Are the voices I hear in public (like at school or at the gym) talking about "he's high" or "he's on Adderall" or "he's a tweaker" real? I NEVER see them actually say these things but the voices seem so real that I can't help but believe that they are. Maybe I'm just asking this question as a self-reassurance thing but I have to know that I'm not acting crazy without my own knowledge in the eyes of other people around me.

Help.