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About Sebastian05

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  1. I feel fucking fantastic

    ZK glad to hear about your progress. Are you on any meds? Any anti-depressants? Anything? If so, please give details.
  2. Psychiatrists are really impossible.

    Casssie: Thanks again for your support. You always give me hope. I know for a fact im doing better than I was a year ago. Hear a MD (psychiatrist) tell me that I need a serious medication or I will never be normal is really absolutely unreal. He didnt listen to anything I had to say about my in depth research on meds. He picked a drug..and he said "this is what we are going to start with". Nothing else is going to work for you in the long term. Fuck That. It only made me want to stay away from all meds even more. I find it VERY hard to believe that being resistant to medication is only going to make it worse for me (as he said) and that my brain will eventually be resistant to all meds unless I start doing something about it now. I've been working out a lot. I've been doing 6 mile runs at least 4 times a week. I need to give this more time, i think. S
  3. So, I went to a psychiatrist today to discuss how I've been feeling. I've seen so many people on here post about Wellbutrin and how it has helped them. I'm almost 19 months off of adderall. I'm okay I guess. I'm not great. I'm not bad. I'm in the middle somewhere but I still do have trouble sleeping soundly and sleeping well and being happy and positive. Again, as usual....the zest for life just seems to be missing. Not really sure what it is. Is it the stress of my life? Is my brain still re-adjusting from having taken adderall? I have no clue. So I thought the psychiatrist would be able to help me sort things out. Basically, he started off very kind and then turned into a huge asshole. He told me that i need to be on Depakote. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?! After all the reserach on meds I've done, I've never once come across Depakote. He's telling me anything else would be just a bandaid on a wound and that I need a mood stabilizer. I asked him about lexapro and wellbutrin, and he said that those would not be for me. I asked him if Adderall can cause brain damage. He said that any medication can cause brain damage. He gave no straight answer. He did mention twice that the longer i go unmedicated, the more neurons in my brain would die off and then my brain would be less receptive to medication in the future. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! It got a little combative at the end. I felt like he was just trying to shove medications down my throat. I refused the prescription. I told him about this site and how I've discussed ADHD with a group and his response was that I may have co-morbid symptoms of ADHD as well as a mood disorder, but that my underlying issue was that I have a mood disorder and need depakote. This is what he tells me after knowing me for 45 minutes. I left in pure disgust. I'm not just going to start shoving a med down my throat that actually requires constant blood work to be done because it can cause liver damage and also cause your hair to fall out. WTF. He really scared me saying that if I dont get on a medication soon, that I could just be hurting myself more and that I will never change unless I'm medicated. I'm so upset by this. Sorry for the rant on here. I know I've just typed out a bunch of thoughts without organizing them really well, but I wanted to share this with all of you and get some feedback. I'm either just going to continue down this natural path I'm on or maybe eventually see another psychiatrist. I just dunno what to do. Let me know what you guys think S
  4. 18 months clear at the end of June

    Ashley, how long have u been on wellbutrin and what dosage? Are u on anything else? Do u really feel the wellbutrin has helped. Im likely not gonna go back to adderall because the utter terror of what the withdrawal is like is hell on earth. I cant go thru that ever again. I need to remain strong but its so hard. And i do value the things i pick up here, but i get so frustrated that sometimes it seems theres no hope to ever be truly happy again. That my brain's dopamine system has been zapped. I dunno. Im typing this in between sets at the gym. Ive been staying strong on that point. But i wish there was someone who had a definitive protocol to follow. Everyone keeps saying 'be patient' but sometimes it seems that there really isnt anyone who has made the full 180 and come out of the dark tunnel.
  5. 18 months clear at the end of June

    Hey everyone. I quit because I noticed that at 10mg in the morning, I wasnt really feeling the lazer focus anymore. I knew I was going to have to raise the dose, and thats not something i felt comfortable with because i didnt want more meds in my body. So i figured that id achieved so much and the adderall had served its purpose in balancing me out and then i could just quit. It got me thru law school, got me thru the bar exam, helped me in finding jobs. And truly got rid of all my anxiety. 2-3 weeks later i noticed a feeling of unease creeping in and then it was full blown anxiety and depression. I do believe im better than i was a year ago, but something has to give. Do i keep pushing forward without it? Do i start experimenting with antidepressants? Is this all just in my head and im i being weak and making things harder on myself? I dunno. I miss the passion and positivity and hopefulness i used to have for life. Now i question every single decision that i make and wonder where the hell my future is going. I try to stay positixe and hopeful but when the anxiety and general BLAH feeling gets the best of me i get real down.
  6. 18 months clear at the end of June

    Wow. No responses. Bummer.
  7. Hi everyone: At the end of June I will be 18 months clear, but I'm having a lot of mixed emotions. I made the mistake of googling "adderall reviews" and reading review after review of positive reviews of those who were taking adderall responsibly and as perscribed (just as I was). Naturally, when I read things like that, I cant help but think I'm really denying myself the motivation, drive, and happiness that I once had while I was being medicated on Adderall. I've started seeing a new therapist and she gave me the name of a psychiatrist who is very trusted among the therapists in the psychology practice that I go to. She said I could definitely talk to him about everything I'm going through and that he would really be able to listen and be caring and helpful. At this point my therapist isnt sure if my emotional state is situational or if its from some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain. I've yet to see any real sunshine though I'm still feeling pretty flat and 18 months have gone by. So those of you who know me from my posts here know that I've been fighting the good fight to stay off of these meds, but of course, sometimes it gets to be so easy to fall into the thoughts of wondering if I'm really doing the right thing for myself. I know that if I were to go back on the meds, that I'd become much more productive at work and my anxiety and depression would lift. The adderall did that for me. Anxiety and depression that I once had were totally wiped away and I was able to accomplish so much while being medicated. To be honest, the only reason I have resisted going back on the meds is this website and the nightmare after nightmare that I've read here. But then, I cant help but think this forum is a very small cross section of the millions of people who have derived great benefit from adderall or other CNS stimulants. I'm left with nothing but confusion because I don't know where to go from here. I dont know if i should keep pushing forward or if i should just relent and go back on the meds. I'm just being honest here as I feel that this is a place where I feel I can voice how I'm doing after having decided to quit the meds. I have a sincere longing to feel OKAY again. To feel happy and motivated and just cheerful as I once was. I have this arbitrary 2 year mark in my head. And i keep wanting to hit that 2 year mark and re-evaluate how I feel at that point. Again, I was on 10-20 mg a day for 4.5 years or so. I don't know who if anyone can relate to this, but for years and years I would always get severe anxiety for exams and things of that nature (especially while in law school). As soon as I quit adderall, all the anxiety and bullshit associated with my anxiety came back. So you can't blame me for thinking "hey. if there's something out there that got rid of all this for me. why am i denying myself?" This is such a difficult journey. And I just cant help but think, sometimes, that I'm doing myself a disservice by denying myself a medication that really helped me feel and perform better all around. As always, I'm open to all commentary. Sorry I'm not a greater beacon of positivity and hope. I'm really trying to figure out what the heck the best course of action is, and I just still feel pretty lost in all of this. S
  8. Help with Recovery!

    Gigem, I'm right there with you. 16 months out. Still don't feel tack sharp yet. Not nearly as focused. Depression and anxiety too. Better than a year ago, but still not great by a long shot. im not happy about it.
  9. I'm watching my life slip away right before my eyes

    If someone has a driven motivation to quit by virtue of the love for their family, they shouldnt be told that that is not the right way to quit or that it wont work. Im sorry, that is simply flawed reason and logic and deleterious to progress. That's her rock bottom. She doesnt want to lose it all. If that is what is lighting the fire under her to quit, then wonderdul! And if u read liltex's response above, it is in line with what im saying.
  10. I'm watching my life slip away right before my eyes

    the better future for herself is a future with her husband and daughter. all due respect, quit-once, sometimes you come off as a little abrasive. more often than not, people are nothing without their families. if she is quitting for her family, she is in effect, quitting for herself. your message, while i'm sure was in good spirit, can come off as confusing and discomforting.
  11. I took it as prescribed. 10-20mg a day. (a lot of times only 10mg a day) for me, i think quitting cold turkey may have been a mistake and made withdrawal even worse. But after reading the horror stories on this site, I wanted it out of my system ASAP. Adderall was very useful to me. And if it werent neurotoxic, i'd continue to take it. There came a time though when i realized that taking 10mg in the morning wasnt really doing much for me. It was at that point where i knew i could either up the dose or just give it up. I'm thankful i never raised my dose, because i feel like i could have screwed myself even more if i had done that. im 15.5 months off of it. I've had a pretty good week this week. I was in the dumps last weekend, but feel pretty okay this week. How much are you taking and how long have you been taking it? abusing it? Put it this way... If i ever have a kid...and a doctor tells me he/she has ADHD and writes him/her a script for adderall. I'd take that entire prescription pad and jam it down the doctor's throat. The best thing about adderall is that it works. The worst thing about adderall, is that it seems that you really can't take it forever. and that is a huge bummer. If you read thru this site you'll see that many people hit 4-5 years or so and realize that maybe they're not doing the best thing for themselves. But, to answer your question a little better. I think if you have ADHD and are taking adderall as prescribed, it is still tough to quit. If you're taking adderall and abusing it at insane doses (adhd or not) its even harder. S
  12. Retraining the Brain (article)

    This is great
  13. USA Today article

    Ä° really neesed this. Thanks
  14. Hey everyone: I really appreciate the responses. I'm at such a difficult cross roads right now. See, here's the thing that really sucks. Of course I do feel better than 15.5 months ago, but I don't feel RIGHT. I've read so much online about dopamine deficiency and how that is a direct cause of ADHD and cause of depression. The way I feel now is the way I used to feel (even while on Effexor) actually worse to be honest. I've read a bunch of stuff online where adderall and concerta have helped people like me with anxiety issues and have gotten rid of their anxiety and helped them really buckle down and have focus and drive. I just dunno what to do. I'm definitely always in a haze at work and in a haze with life in general. My sleep has gotten better, but it still is pretty awful. I'm envious of all of you who can "sleep all day". I wish i had that ability to zonk out. It is rare that I fall asleep and wake up feeling really refreshed and energized and ready to take on the day. I usually wake up several times throughout the night with lots of anxiety. Sometimes i feel like my life is okay. Sometimes i feel like im barely holding it together. But never do i feel GREAT. And that's another thing. Life is not meant to be lived feeling like you're BARELY hanging on. I dunno where the old Sebastian went. The one who would wake up in the morning and couldnt wait to go downstairs and brew a big fat pot of coffee and sit outside with a cup of coffee feeling the crisp morning air all over my face and body. I'm trying really hard to believe things are going to get better. I'm trying really hard to believe this isn't permanent. I miss my confidence. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling excited and optimistic about my future. I REALLY miss feeling driven and motivated and passionate. Cassie, you give me a lot of hope that things will keep getting better. There's one person on this site who I talk to on the phone pretty regularly. He/She has become a close friend and he/she has helped me believe that a lot of this is in my head and that its just going to take more time. I'm definitely going to set up an appointment with a new therapist. I havent been to a therapist in probably 6 months at least. And even then, my therapist said he himself had been on Concerta for 11 years or so and that he's still on it. My life has to turn around and I need to start feeling more like a fucking normal human being instead of someone who is just barely hanging on and barely keeping shit together. I'm going to keep taking l-tyrosine and 5-htp and GABA and l-theanine and SAM-e. I need to get back to normal. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I've become and it scares the shit out of me. I used to be the most social person ever. I used to love always having people to see and things to do. I used to love dating. Now I barely ever feel like doing anything. I stay in a lot. My spare time is generally filled with just going to the gym and running errands. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I wish i could be a beacon of positivity, but right now I'm still just pretty scared. S
  15. hey everyone: excuse my last post. i deleted it after realizing that the details within the message could have been interpreted as triggers by some on this site. I would hate for that to happen. i was also really angry when i wrote the post, and I'll explain why in a moment here. I had a doctor's appointment recently just for a checkup and he asked how everything was going. I told him that I still have a lot of anxiety and that it comes and goes. But when I have it, it is really bad. The depression is still there too, but it doesnt hang over my head and press me down the way it first did when i quit 15.5 months ago. The anxiety is a real bitch though. My doctor doesn't believe in medications. He tries to keep people off as many as possible and he NEVER prescribes adderall. He thinks its very dangerous. Don't worry. I wasnt there looking for any. Remember, I'm the guy who has an almost full prescription bottle in my drawer that I never threw away after I quit. My doctor said I'm doing a real disservice to myself by letting myself suffer with the anxiety and the depression and he thinks I should at the very least go talk to a psychologist. I'll do that. I've done it before. My last psychologist was a great guy, but he had also been on Concerta for about 11 years he told me. He was a really sweet guy and really nice and caring, and he took the honest belief that "if it helps you feel good and makes you happy and has a positive impact in your life. do it." Now, he wasnt telling me to go back on adderall. I was never addicted to adderall. I quit because I didn't want the f'n amphetamine chemicals in my body and I didn't want them to burn out my dopamine receptors. I just straight up would prefer not to be on any medications at all. But is that the smartest thing to do? I dunno. What kinda bummed me out (And i know this person didn't mean to do it im sure)...but someone on this site recently posted something about being the happiest they've ever been and how they quit adderall and now they are on strattera and feel GREAT. That got me thinking...."well. shit. maybe i should be transferring to another med to help me focus and concentrate and lift me up again". I eat extremely healthy. I work out all the time. But I just dont have the same zest for life that I used to. I'm not excited and happy like i used to be. I'm just "meh". Am I in better shape than I was a year ago? I'd say yes. For sure. Do I feel great? No. And thats the problem. When I hear about people doing great and feeling great, then i start wondering "am i denying myself happiness by not going on any meds? should i keep pushing to get to 2 years off of adderall and then re-evaluate". I think its CASSIE on her who keeps saying it gets better after two years. If thats the case, i've come this far...and i can keep pushing. There are a lot of things in my life right now that I'm grateful for. There are a handful of things that are weighing me down and making me really sad. The new job that I took after quitting my old job is certainly WAY BETTER than my old job, but this job is also kinda soul sucking (For you guys who dont know my story, I'm a lawyer. I moved to the philly area for a job. Bought a house here. Things were going great, so I decided to just quit adderall so that I could be really healthy. Then turned out that the job i moved to philly for was absolutely awful. So I found a new job that's better in every way but still just is not satisfying to me at all and as a result it is VERY hard for me to focus and stay organized). I'm trying to figure out where the anxiety and depression is stemming from. I've turned the internet upside down and have read everything under the sun regarding adderall treatment and adderall withdrawal and I've found so many sites that indicate that depression and anxiety is just part of the withdrawal. Okay, i get it...but I'm 15.5 months out at this point. Is it as bad as it was? No. Is it getting better? I dunno? Maybe? So at this point im just trying to figure out what to do. I want to control my own life and make good decisions. I really do not like the Philly area at all. I want to move and will eventually move the hell outta here, but I have to make sure that my decisions are well thought out and calculated so that I'm fixing problems instead of creating more. Do I go to a psychiatrist and tell them everything that has happened in my experience with taking adderall (not abusing it) - Taking 10-20mg a day for about 4.5-5 years). Do I ask if i should go on Concerta? I've found a lot of things online that say Concerta is pretty helpful. But again, I dont want to jump down the fucking rabbit hole of withdrawal..EVER AGAIN. The withdrawal from adderall is extremely heavy. It is a big factor in what keeps me away from the pills because nobody ever told me that there would be withdrawal and that it would be BAD. But again, the anxiety bouts that I have are brutal and really suck. I'm trying to fight this out, guys. I'm trying to make every best decision I can for my own physical and mental health. I need to come out of this on top. I need to get rid of this anxiety and self defeating mentality. I was on effexor at 50mg every other day before I started Adderall. I havent been on any antidepressant in about 6+ years. I never gained weight on effexor and I didnt have any negative side effects from it. But I'd prefer not to go on any antidepressant if that would be possible. My doctor also knows that I do not want to gain any weight. Thats just not an option for me. So he would prefer not to have me on any antidepressant because many do cause weight gain. I always manage to write a dissertation here. But these are all the thoughts running through my head right now. Any and all advice is appreciated. Sebastian