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Everything posted by Searchingsoul9

  1. Come Down Question

    I don't use on a regular basis anymore, but i have relapsed and used sporadically. What i was wondering was how does your body/mind react to the crash? For me, and this only happens randomly...Sometimes i get very dizzy. Blurred/double vision. Rapid heart beat and then it just slooooowwws. Like scary slow. Then i panic and try and breathe in deeply. I can't walk. I can't even look at one spot for too long or else my eyes go all loopy and i notice my progressively weakening breath again. Sometimes it will last 20 minutes, but others it will last up to 2 hours. I have researched this before and all i find is panic or anxiety attacks, but when i am going through this it is only during the crash, never like right after i take the pills. Also, i am not like sitting there thinking "oh no, i can't breathe! i'm going to die" and getting myself all worked up, although i used to think this, but now i just sit with the horrible feelings and pray it passes. So my ultimate question is, Is this a physical malfunction or is it mental? Have i done so much damage to my body that it teeters on the edge of like a heart attack or something?? OR do i have panic attacks when i come off of the pills? The first time this happened to me i had taken FAR too much adderall. I was 14 and i honestly thought i was going to die. I couldn't breathe properly and my heart went from racing to barely there. This happened again at 16 when i also took WAY too much and stayed awake for nearly 3 days. It happened countless times when i was abusing for a couple of years. But now i don't use regularly & it happens even after a great nights sleep and only taking 50mg. Does anyone else get this way??
  2. Come Down Question

    I've tried every kind of adderall. Generic and non. Pink and orange. Mostly orange. Even Vyvanse and concerta, but all the same weird crash symptoms. Maybe it is just me. Or some type of damage i have done. Thanks for the reply though. I appreciate it
  3. Come Down Question

    I was a huge weed smoker in high school, but after abusing adderall it changed my weed high. I can no longer smoke weed and be mellow or relaxed unless i drink prior to it. I know i should not use adderall. at all. I was just wondering if this symptoms during the crash were normal or if it's just me. I am just curious. I have always wondered if i was alone in this crash symptom
  4. reality vs addereality question

    When i first quit i thought that i would never be able to do the same things that i did on adderall, like work efficiently at my job and hold conversations with others. Well, after maybe 6 months into the quit i realized that i actually work better when i am sober. I don't hyper focus on stupid shit. And i also speak when it is warranted or if i have something interesting to say, not just to go yapping on and on about whatever i was thinking. I probably came off as super annoying. And most of my friends told me they thought i was high on something when i was using. That i was 'strung out' or 'too hyper'
  5. Relapsed

    You're totally correct. Every time i have failed and slipped and used, i realize that it is nothing like it once was...yet i still chase that high. For some reason i can't see my old posts from a year or two ago, i wanted to read about all the negative shit it did to me. Oh well, i will use this is a lesson xo
  6. Relapsed

    So i officially relapsed maybe a few months? I can't even remember. I used to get prescribed Adderall, but i burnt that bridge in my hopes of ending availability to the pills. This guy i met in the city offered me adderall. For free. I should've just said no thanks, but i was on autopilot. We took them together and i was so frustrated because i was clean for like two years and the 60mg of xr he gave me was barely doing shit. Eventually it kicked it, unfortunately i drank so much that i didn't even get the full high. The next morning i wanted to vanish. Regret. Depression. Since then i have taken amphetamines maybe on 10 occasions. Each time i wonder why i even took it. It's not what it was when i first started. I hate it now, yet for some fucked up reason i end up being offered it or finding it unintentionally and never do i just say no. I just flushed the last three pills i had. At this point it doesn't do anything but make me slightly focused and semi content for maybe 2-3 hours. The rest of the day/night is all down hill. Panic attacks or just straight mind numbing depression. I see a psychiatrist in about a week for the first time in a long time. Hoping i can end this battle once and for all.
  7. It's my pleasure. I personally love talking about it. I no longer romanticize my relationship with adderall. Yes, i slip up from time to time, but i don't spend my sober days pining after the 'old times' I do not mind any questions, if it can help someone else than that is wonderful. I sometimes feel like i would like to get into some line of work where i could spread awareness of adderall addiction because it is not a very common topic. Yes, A LOT of young kids and adults abuse adderall, but it is not talked about enough. The dangers and the way that it robs you of your soul and your true identity is not a well known fact. To answer your question, helps me very much so, and hopefully it can help others who are considering quitting.
  8. Relapsed

    Thank you so much for your reply! It really helps me move forward and not dwell on the slip ups. And i am reading a book right now about the "animal brain" and it's very scientific and helps me understand WHY i do what i do. I will stay on here for sure. Even though i do not have a steady supply of adderall, i am seeing a new psychiatrist shortly and there is always the possibility that i could slip up and get a prescription again...but i had to fill out forms and i made it very clear i was heavily addicted to amphetamines (although, i almost kept that part out so that i could get a skript need be) Hope you are doing well and having a good day! xx
  9. Three weeks in and SO moody

    To add to my above. I just realized that you are only a month definitely keep your chin up! I'm sorry if my above post was disheartening. I was just giving my story, but when i first quit i was a super rollercoaster as well. Give it time and see how your mood can stabilize. It does gets worlds better than it was while using. Just give it time and ask your loved ones if they see a difference in your moods.
  10. Three weeks in and SO moody

    I can totally relate. I was obviously up and down while using. Great when i was high and just awful when crashing. I quit for a couple of years and still found that i can be very manic. It's different now though. When i first quit i was easily annoyed and lashed out on loved ones with snide remarks and unnecessary comments. I was giddy and happy one second and then tense and on edge the next. Even a year into my quit i still felt this, except it was more like i was hyper and happy and ridiculously weird and then a switch flipped and i was extremely sad. I became SUPER sensitive. Any little remark would send me into a sad state. I do believe for you and i and many other adderall abusers that the bipolar feeling or state is common when quittting. I have a family history of mania and bipolar disorder, so i am not sure if it's genetics or the drug that did it to me. Do you have a history of it?
  11. Posted 07 May 2016 - 12:03 AM 1. Did you feel as though other people couldn't keep up with your thought process? I felt like i myself couldn't even keep up with my thought process. I am sure i sounded neurotic and frantic from someone elses perspective. 2. Did other people seem confused or without understanding during conversations? Not to my knowledge. I did notice though that close friends or family were curious as to why i was suddenly so chatty and manic. Now if i get hyper or talkative naturally i fear they think i am using. 3. Do you feel differently now looking back on your interactions with others? Yes. I usually ended up saying too much. Being too emotional. Writing a freaking research paper sized text message on why i appreciate their friendship so much and then a few hours later when i was crashing never answering their replies because i couldn't be bothered. 4. Did you ever feel as though you were dumbing yourself down to talk with friends or family-even if it was just about casual things? Not intentionally. I thought i was the shit on adderall. Mistakenly so. I probably came off as more of a know it all.
  12. 8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

    What you say resonates with me. "I hate this stuff, it literally makes me less productive and after the 30 minute high on day 1 is gone, there isn't a single positive that I can honestly say comes from swallowing these pills" That rings so true in my mind. I honestly don't know why i take it when realistically i know that its a super short lived "high" and then you just feel worse than you did before it. Don't beat yourself up though. I quit like 12 times before i managed to stay clean for a couple of years. Then i relapsed quite a few times randomly and very spaced out. And each time i KNOW it isn't even worth it. It is just NOT worth the debilitating low that it brings after that slight buzz that vanishes as quickly as it comes. Use this to your advantage. Write down how it made you feel. If the urge comes again and you feel you're on autopilot...just tell yourself to wait at least one day. Just get through today and see how you feel tomorrow. xo
  13. I was heavily addicted to adderall, same as you 80-200 a day. I didn't use xanax to cope, but i did drink massive amounts of alcohol. It is possible to stop. You just need the right tools. To get some type of help. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days or something to establish a new habit. That once you keep at something for 21 days your brain will file that away as something important and necessary. Maybe just make a promise to yourself to try and be clean for 21 days. I know saying "i quit fully and forever" is extremely difficult. So just think of it as a 21 day trial and then take it from there.
  14. Hi

    I am hoping some old users are on here. Pretty sure i've been sober over a year, i recall two halloweens passing with me being sober. A lot has changed. i moved to nyc, got a new job, left my childhood home. And here i am craving adderall. I have even had thoughts of using again. Finding a new psychiatrist and getting a monthly supply. I'll be honest. I think, 'ill just get a skript and use on weekends;' just like i did before. I know if i got a supply i would use daily. I have not gotten sober. I mean, i drink pretty much every night, and/or i smoke weed. Still abusing cigarettes. So my addict mind tells me...if i am doing all of this shit already, why not add adderall back to the mix? Confused.
  15. Hi

    eYou're very correct. I don't have anyone as of recently. I moved to NYC and started a new job. I left my best friend behind and have no one but myself and my aquaintences at work
  16. Adderall and Eating Disorders

    Don't give in. You can get to your body goals without adderall. I know how hard is and I know it's just so much easier with a stimulant,but it is possible. We just need to focus on eating clean and treating our bodies with respect. On adderall we may become bone thin again,but we also will be killing our insides and our outs. You don't want to be thin and decrepit. Adderall abuse will ruin or skin. Hair. All our outside appearances. We can be thin and healthy without any drugs helping. I have faith in that
  17. Hi

    That's a good idea, thank you. I will go through them later today. I know i don't want to deal with the crazy highs and lows of adderall abuse. It's just i am going through some messed up shit in my life at the moment and i am craving an escape...when in reality i could escape my current situation by just ending this relationship. Sorry, that sounds cryptic. I just need to evaluate my life and my choices and make the right choice rather than finding an escape through drugs
  18. Hi

    Thank you. I know you're right. I honestly don't even think i have the energy in me to seek out a new psychiatrist and deal with all of that bullshit. The reason this thought came into my mind is because i was considering getting on anti anxiety meds. I told myself i'd give it a year and if my anxiety was still bad i'd seek help, then when i thought about pills my mind led me to trying to get adderall.
  19. Adderall and Eating Disorders

    Stillbreathing. I haven't been on this site in months but I just came on because I am struggling again. I too am bulimic. Have been for nearly 9 years. I am 22. I dabbled with adderall in my early teen years and that's when the anorexia set in. Then when I was about 19 I got a prescription for adderall and fully abused it. I have been sober for over one year but lately have been struggling with my bulimia again. All I can think about lately is adderall. It's been so do long I barely remember all the negative effects it had. Addicts amnesia. I even arranged to buy 50 dollars worth of Molly next week just in the hopes that I can spend one day not focusing on food. I know how hard it is. God I truly do know. After quitting adderall I began smoking more weed. Granted, I smoked on adderal but it didn't make me binge. Now. I usually smoke and binge. Or I drink (almost every night ) and binge. I haven't gained that much but the extra 5-7 lbs kills me. I miss the adderall high and I know I shouldn't. I know me on adderall was worse than me now. There has to be a way to combat this horrible cycle. Please message me and I'll be of any help I can be. Xoxox
  20. There IS Life After Adderall

    Hey everyone. I found myself really missing this site tonight. I have been clean from adderall for almost one year. It seems like it has been so much longer than that. It honestly feels like a lifetime ago that i was shoveling pill after pill down my throat. Although i do not miss the adderall (except on occasion when i wish to feel that euphoria and focus that it fleetingly brought) i do miss the love and support i received from this community. I honestly do not think i would have gotten off the pills if not for this site. My method was probably not the wisest one. I quit. Cold turkey. And vowed never to allow my mind to wander into adderall land. I finally feel safe enough, a year later to actually think about what i was doing and why. I wouldn't even let myself look at pictures of me while i was on adderall...for fear it would trigger a memory and a desire to use again. I am not sure why i am posting, except to say thank you to everyone. And also, i would love to be of any help to anyone currently struggling with this awful addiction. I am no expert, just a girl who went through the hell you may be living in now. Would love to lend a hand and help spark even the tiniest flame of hope inside you. I NEVER thought i would quit. And if i did it, each and every one of you can and will do it too.
  21. So i have been clean for nearly one full year. I HEAVILY abused for 2.5-3 years. How long into your recovery did you feel significantly better? Should i expect even more progress or benefits after the one year mark? Or am i "fully recovered" ? That isn't worded how i want it, but can't think of another way to phrase the question. Thanks!
  22. There IS Life After Adderall

    Avoiding adderall? Well lucky for me i cut of my psychiatrist. I did not have street availability to it. The only drug dealers i know sell coke, other pills, weed. And for the most part i avoided even asking anyone if they sold adderall because i was so used to the steady supply of a skript. Drug dealers are A.Sketchy & B.Unreliable When i was abusing adderall i needed it when i needed it and a drug dealer was not an option. Exercise really also did help keep me from finding a new psychiatrist to prescribe. It sounds cliche, but it's true. Sleeping helped, watching funny movies or shows on netflix, and i don't want to promote smoking weed, but that helped me too-in moderation is best obviously.
  23. There IS Life After Adderall

    Thank you so much! & same to you, i could not have done it without our frequent messages and updates. You helped me through so much-i honestly did not think i'd ever get clean xox
  24. There IS Life After Adderall

    Thank you for your support! You and everyone else on here, i couldn't have done this alone
  25. My Story

    It is a really hard thing to overcome, but once i kept telling myself it wasn't natural or expected of me to act as i did on adderall it got easier...and now i find myself gaining back a little natural energy bit by bit xo