Devin

Thank y'all both so much for the replies! I really really appreciate it so much more than I could put in words. Here's an update: I HAVEN'T TAKEN ADDERALL IN 13 DAYS!!! The last time I took it was Dec. 23rd!!! I am so so so unbelievably happy and proud of myself. Gosh, thank you all for posting your stories and giving me the strength I needed to quit!

I know my story is going to sound so familiar but I want to tell it anyway for several reasons: 1) I've never told my story before 2) I'm hoping to get connected 3) I don't even recognize myself anymore 4) I'm willing to try anything at this point I started taking Adderall my senior year of undergrad. Yes it was a miracle. I aced my final exams, all while balancing 2 jobs. After graduation, I got an internship and starting taking 5mg 5 days a week. After about 6 months, I started taking 10mg 5 days a week. That was when I noticed that I would sometimes have difficulty forming words. I wondered if it was in my head or if people could tell that I felt a little "stuck" somtimes. Then I started grad school where I began to take 30mg to cram for tests. This was when I noticed more severe side effects. Some days I would feel so depressed, it was scary. I would feel completely hopeless about life and not one thing/person/thought could change it. Also, I started to regret ever having taken Adderall, and I wondered if I would ever be able to quit. I told myself that I'd keep using it until I landed a good job, but then I'd quit. Ok, so it's been almost 2 years since I finished school and landed a good job. I take 20mg every morning now which helps me get out of bed and get ready for work. Sometimes I take another 20mg around lunchtime. I am a workaholic. The side effects at this point are much worse. I have hypertension (high blood pressure). Which is crazy because I had very low blood pressure my entire life. The other side effect is not enjoying my life. I noticed that I have a hard time finding the humor in things and I am very anti-social. I don't have any friends anymore. I recently had surgery to remove my tonsils. I took 2 weeks off from work and I didn't take Adderall the entire time. It was wonderful. I laughed about every little thing, all day long. I was happy. I was much more affectionate with my boyfriend. Our relationship blossomed. I started thinking maybe I could quit for good. But last Monday was my first day back at work after 2 weeks of recovering from surgery, and I panicked and took Adderall. I'm scared I won't be able to do my job if I don't take it. The thought of going to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week without taking it is absolutely terrifiying to me. I've been back to 20mg 5 days a week for about a week and a half. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a had the perfect opportunity to quit and I wasted it. Writing my story here is my cry for help. I can't do this alone. I want to quit so bad but I can't do it alone.