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About SomedayDreamer

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  1. uggggggghhhh!!!!

    awww, Heather... I don't mean this in a patronizing way when I say I can relate so much to what you're saying about personal circumstances and I also totally admire your wisdom. I know doing the mom-thing solo, being desperately broke at the worst possible times, friends seeming so out of touch, trying to just hang on while also believing, truly believing, that it WON'T always be like this... Not too long ago for me, the lights and water got cut off for a few days (can't believe how many gallons of water it takes just to flush a damn toilet once!), had to wait to borrow $$$ from some folks I felt like a jerk even asking, will scramble to pay them back and stay afloat-- praying that scary rattle & shake on the car isn't gonna keep me from starting my job (which was like an act divine providence to even get). Sometimes it's the perfect storm of getting slammed from all sides at once and everything just seems so uncertain and scary.. like if just one more tiny little thing goes wrong, it could all fall apart further at any moment. I'm not saying this just to bitch or cry together Doing the best we can with what we've got is all anyone can do. I think you are doing your best too... and if your best that day is just managing to stay upright and breaking down into tears only 5 times instead of 10, then you DID the best you could that day. I do believe it's all we can do and despite all that has gone wrong lately, I'm seeing with my own eyes that the shit in life we can't control or force with our will DOES have a way of working itself out in its own time as long as I just keep on keepin' on the best we know how. I think you got a better grasp on that than I do and you seem like one of the most self-aware persons ever. In the meantime, keep your head up mami- you're not alone
  2. Almost 7 weeks addy-free now, I had a couple relapse dreams early on that were mildly uncomfortable but felt totally relieved upon waking up. But for the past several nights I've been having the most terrifying disturbing nightmares! Horrible, horrible dreams of witnessing tragic things happening and the "traumatized" feeling sticks with me for hours after waking up. Even though I know it was just a nightmare, it takes a long time to shake off the feeling. It's getting to where I dread going to sleep because of the awful things I see in those dreams. This has never happened to me before, -- did anyone else here experience this as part of PAWS? How many nights/weeks/months did it last?
  3. Deleting Facebook

    What an amazing metaphor! Facebook... nope, never got into it (though probably would've been less damaging than all the drunk Skype I used to do in a previous life )
  4. whirly week

    Hello again, beloved adderallics- I missed this place! My unemployment status required some enforced austerity measures and home internet service got the axe temporarily. I was looking to find some time in a cafe with wi-fi but got busier than ever... when YAY I got called for an interview last week, then invited back for a second, and then HOLY CRAP a job offer last Tuesday I was astonished. I thought for sure it'd be months of searching ahead. And it's a great job too --good pay, benefits... but before it sounds like gratuitous annoying bragging, the fact is, guys, I AM SCARED! I will be working some damn long hours and the position has way more responsibility than my last job (or any I've ever had really), my first thought is of course "How am I gonna do this without adderall?" This is first time since quitting that I've felt like I made a huge mistake cutting off the doctor access, I know addy wouldn't ever again do the "wonderful" things it used to do for me the first year on it, I KNOW this logically, but my addict-mind is making me doubt myself. Gosh, this is hard! Oh, how I wish I'd never followed that speedy rabbit down the hole all those years... though I'll never be able to catch it again, addicted to the chase more than anything... times like this especially. ugh.
  5. Yeah I'm done.In

    Well said, sky... a marabout couldn't have explained it better I don't what the OP's interpretation is, the juju-ology (making that word up) that I knew of (from W.Africa) was sort of a mixture of Islamic mysticism/indigenous animism. Juju itself can be a concept kinda similar to "luck", good or bad, but other people and even your own actions can influence it for better or worse. A (singular) "juju" can also simply be like a charm or amulet (the khamsa/hand of Fatima is a well-known one). In the height of my adderall suspicious thinking, I was fairly convinced for a time that there was bad juju put on me and devised compulsions to counteract it, o_O I can't imagine now... but hey, I guess it doesn't sound so crazy that some here used to believe speakers were implanted in your ears. ...Adderall, scary trip!
  6. Yeah I'm done.In

    whoa, I was kinda struck to see someone here mention that... I also found myself believing in juju for the first time ever when I was on adderall ( I don't anymore.. no offense to you) but some of my former in-laws were way into it from traditional beliefs and in some of my more paranoid states on adderall, I started believing some strange things. I'm normally very much a skeptic, but I had convinced myself that some strange occurences over time correlated with the bad eye and also juju.. gosh, that seems SO so strange for me to even say that now, but it made sense to me at that time. Huh.
  7. Yeah I'm done.In

    It's not as weird as ppl might think. Same thing happened to me, I gained weight in my last 2 years on adderall and I was not overeating even during the crash. But in the past 4 weeks that I've been off, I've lost about 11 lbs now and also started running again (which I hadn't done in 7yrs on adderall), I'm not consciously trying to eat all healthy, but I just find myself doing it anyway. There was someone else here too (I think occasional01...?) who said she has also been dropping some pounds after getting off adderall.
  8. wobbled yesterday

    I found a stray little blue 10mg yesterday morning in between the car seats. I didn't throw it out as I should have right away. I was having some family coming over to my house later that afternoon (I seldom have visitors these days) and all I thought of was the hours of cleaning before "Mr. Inspector and wife" came over... and oh shit, everything was in need of a good scrubbing. JUST 10mg enough to zip through it all... and I nearly forget everything about the past 4 weeks. I kept saying I would take the pill to get me over the last bit of effort... maybe after I've cleaned the kitchen, or after I've washed the floors, or after I've dusted all the rooms.. surely, then I'll need the pill to finish strong. At the end of it all, I stood in my freshly sanitized bathroom, flicked the blue pill into a sparkling toilet bowl and flushed. I had just done the best gotdam cleaning job this house ever got... and all on my own, no speed. The housewife's equivalent of the "all-nighter" ... now where's my gin
  9. mornings...yuck!

    Well, sometimes the craziest ideas work surprisingly well....the affected accent idea helped. I woke up in the usual pissed- off- for- no- reason mood, but I lightened up just by talking to myself like that before the rest of the house was even awake ( can't seriously curse when it comes out: "muddaah foookying") Perhaps I'll try an Irish brogue tomorrow just so I can say "gobshite" LOL Now if I could just ever get a chance to use an accent WHILE getting laid... wow, morning in all it's glory
  10. I tried to quit but I can't.... so very sad

    I have never taken Xanax myself, but doesn't it have a next-day fatigue effect? If your exhaustion never eased up after a month off adderall (not even a little some days?) then perhaps it isn't just stimulant withdrawal underlying the tiredness... could be a number of other things, but I had always heard reports that Xanax leaves lingering hang-over like fatigue. I am four weeks off addie, unemployed as of last week but also have four kids to care for on my own. I do understand the exhausted feeling and it still arises here, but it's more mental now than anything-- demands and responsibilities feel relentless. I've had to let stuff slide some days and accept that I am only one person. If you want to get off adderall, you have to lower your expectations of yourself too at least for a time-- I realize you have to work, you have to care for your kids (are they teens? Can you delegate some stuff around the house?) but cut yourself some slack wherever you can. It doesn't mean you're substandard, it means you're human and so long as you expect yourself to be super-human, you will always feel like you need adderall. JMHO
  11. mornings...yuck!

    I was married once but been divorced for 2 years now (ex wasn't really the spooning type anyway LOL) but oh, how lovely that would be in ideal circumstances ....but whoever mentioned in another post that 'tis better to be alone than to be with the wrong person is spot on. The morning bitchiness is new, only in post-adderall life. I suspect it's partly to wake up and think of all that stands before me for the loooooong day ahead and it feels hopeless and overwhelming. Then a little later when I start just getting into going through my day, the bitchiness dissipates. I'll have to try the accent thing, I do a very good Liberian patois
  12. mornings...yuck!

    I know that's right!!
  13. mornings...yuck!

    Four weeks free of adderall. Overall, it is unequivocally the best decision I have ever made in improving my quality of life. It also seems so many tertiary compulsions just effortlessly dropped. Quitting smoking was easy (over 2 weeks now) and I am naturally gravitating towards better eating and I started running again. THAT felt amazing..and I was boosted to see that I could still hold up at a 6.5mph clip (despite 6 years of inactivity and being 25lbs heavier now), how could I have ever forsaken that glorious runner's high for something a dirty, vitality-stealing adderall buzz ?!? There's still tough days, but their do-able. I do have one major sticking point: mornings I am raging Bitchy McBitcherson, just evil.... I'm all short and snappish with the kids, I feel like throwing stuff (not in front of them, thankfully) my tolerance for frustration is minus 0. By mid-morning though, I'm cool and calm again, feeling alright (though sad I ruined everyone else's day for them, probably) Anyone else experience this? I'm wondering if it's a particulary body rhythm pattern or prone to some surge of something internal in mornings. I gotta do something to level it out 'cause it's a terrible way to start the day. Thoughts??
  14. Random Awesome Stuff You Learn Every Day

    I just learned a minute ago that the reason men have nipples is because in utero all embryos begin with a female blueprint, only in later weeks when the Y chromosomes kick in the testosterone does the rudimentary "she" become a "he" but the now-useless nipples remain ... aren't you so glad to know? But now I'm curious about what my daughter just asked me: "Do cats have belly buttons?"
  15. resume question

    Don't forget to also include on your resume any relevant volunteer experience you've done during those employment gaps. I had a 9 yr stint of only very p/t work and I transitioned got into full-time with an organization based on just my related volunteer experience. I didn't even have that much time invested in it (how could I with 4 kids/school/pt work) but I was able to highlight it well on the resume and it caught their attention... now if I could just swing that again. UGH! I HATE job searching. .. and "networking" and having an "in" is really how to get a job, but I feel like Eleanor Rigby these days. I have no schmooze skills whatsoever,do you find yourself in much the same predicament? I may just find a short-term volunteer gig for a bit and hopefully make some connections again through that, but man,... cash flow is tight.