Kim1717

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About Kim1717

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  1. Slow digestive issues

    Thank you both, Quit-once and DrewK15. Seems like increased water and vegetable consumption and some walking/jogging seem key. I'm hoping to get through the holidays without resorting to prescription hellish merry-go-round.
  2. Slow digestive issues

    Hi All, I was wondering if any of you wonderful website users have run Into a similar problem and can offer any advice. I've been off of Adderall for a few weeks and have tried quitting before with varying degrees of success. It seems like every time I go off the drug, my digestion slows and I am not having complete bowel movements(sorry for the TMI). Food just sits in my stomach and my appetite is at ravenous status so I end up feeling like a oompa loompa in no time. It feels so uncomfortable after a while that it's difficult for me to not fill the prescription for relief. I've tried fiber pills, probiotics, including more fiberous foods into diet, Senna tea leaf and even OTC laxatives/stool softeners to get everything going but the irritating side effect is horrible in of itself and the digestion is still slow. Sorry for the crass subject matter but I would totally appreciate if anyone has encountered similar and can offer any tips or tricks to get through. Thanks!
  3. Appetite/Energy Question

    As I was rereading my post it struck me: my issue really lies in giving up this idea of perfectionism and this idea my self worth is conditional on a certain perfect image or set of accomplishments. That I'm not enough as I am. If it's hard for me to be vulnerable, to be disshelved and not pretty with blemishes and bulges because what I think other people will think, than those are not the types of people I really should be concerned w in the first place. Somewhere along the way, like many of you, I gave up on myself. I defined my self worth by my shortcomings and failures. I told myself I was incapable and that everyone else is better. And that's where I truly fucked up. It was long before I sought out a therapist for a prescription, it was even before I started abusing my daily dose taking more to feel that happy euphoria. When I stopped feeling like it was ok to not b the best, when I started unfavorably comparing myself to anyone and everyone: that's when it created the perfect void that the prescription filled and numbed for me. Until I'm able to feel secure in myself even in the most unflattering of lights, I'm always going to run into the same problems. As depressing as it is to think about how I lost all control, starting from scratch and knowing that a self limiting mindset is to blame feels like a step in the right direction. I'm starting with myself. I'm reminding myself that I'm uniquely me and I'm proud of that no matter how it looks from the outside.
  4. Appetite/Energy Question

    Thanks to you both! It helps immensely to put things into perspective and allow myself to really take it easy in the beginning. I'm going to try to eat wholesome foods when hungry; allowing for some treats to keep myself happy during an otherwise stressful time. I have been on Adderall for about 4 years and have tried quitting before so remember the pain. I think the scariest part of this drug is how friggin difficult it is to function without. It's like "Surprise! you really don't naturally stay up past midnight, run 6 miles daily, respond rapid fire to emails, go a million miles per hour on little food without using this is a crutch." And unless you're 76 years old and still running to the doctor for your prescription, at one point you have to quit and figure out how to function in life without popping pills constantly to cope. Also, it really gave me the worst mood swings. I would be super aggressive in my relationship and would analyze things that my boyfriend would say and would fight for days over simple poor word choice on his part. And for all that running around, I'm no closer to my goals, my once pristine apartment is a wreck, my gym bod is turning into a couch potatoe. BUT everyday gets a little better, I feel more like me and those things really aren't worth it if I'm unable to enjoy any of it or anything in general on the meds. It's so embarrassing looking back and realizing what an asshat I was and how many beautiful moments I ruined being so emotionally maxed out and unable to let go and relax in the moment. Now I'm too tired to fight and I'm forced to live more in the moment since recovery is painful enough. Karma really is a bitch:) I think the other stressful thing about detoxing is in finding my support system to be less than supportive. My boyfriend has taken the brunt of the drugs side effects so is less than thrilled to hear me now complain about the struggle. Add that to his new health food/workout kick which is irritating to me right now as I find getting off the couch as a wild success🎉 Has anyone else felt like they tried to include someone in their recovery only to feel more frustrated over their basic lack of sensitivity? I feel like I want him to understand how tough this is but he looks at me like I'm just complaining all the time about something I did to myself and making excuses up for my laziness. I've told him what withdrawal feels like and he's researched it himself. Mostly we're good but in the morning I'm groggy and lash out when I feel like he's more concerned with himself. Tough love has a time and place but right now it would be so nice to have him help out a bit more. I realize that at the end of the day no one is responsible for how I feel and my recovery other than me. I have to look out for my well being over all else. The big picture is much more important right now. Finding small pockets of beauty in my sober life thus far and reading through other stories on this forum are the only things getting me through lately.. Just have to focus on the little improvements and small successes. This will not define me and this feeling will not last forever, step by step we all will get through it:)
  5. Hi All, So today marks day 4 of quitting.. Over the past 4 days I've zoned out in front of a tv, ate and snacked, stayed away from alcohol and just have moaned and groaned over feeling lazy. There have been some good moments but it's been a battle. My question is this: do you feel it's easier to give yourself the permission to be lazy and exert little physical effort and thus not eat everything in sight for energy reasons OR should I continue eating like a truck driver hoping that the motivation kicks In and I'll be able to resume some normalcy? I'm just tired of eating a lot and feeling so tired still afterwards! I tried running a bit today to sweat it off but found my lack of focus and energy to be too much to bear and then started thinking that it'll be harder to get back on track once the haze lifts if I'm waddling around extra puffy.. Thanks in advance for any insight.
  6. I think the hardest part for me will be in the middle of work when a wave of exhaustion hits that no amount of coffee can combat. I literally want to close my eyes and take a nap. I am starting to look for another job. Since my coworkers are on this stuff and take an ungodly amount, I feel it's a sign that this place is just too much. I think one way I'm going to be able to mentally stay in the game without resorting to going back is realizing that not everyone is on this stuff. There are plenty of people who are able to get through their day and do it all.. without being on anything synthetic. I use to not understand how anyone was able to be very productive when not on something but now I know they know no other way and now my best bet now is to try to imitate them. It is possible no matter how much I want to complain about the struggle and injustice of being expected to do it all. After all, some people have that drive that comes from a natural place and hopefully with due time I can find that drive within me too. Once this awful tired feeling goes away. "Fake it till you make it," right? Lastly, I want to remember that despite my rational that I was mentally solid and strong while taking Adderall, I now see that it actually was weakening my real mental strength. What's the point in doing the heavy lifting if the aide is doing all the work? I feel more mentally exhausted, checked out, frustrated then I ever was before I touched this stuff. I feel like my last two years of use have weakened my nerve and now I'm left to build it back up. The highlight though is I'm able to look myself in the mirror, I'm able to meet other people's eyes when their talking to me, and I'm able to live in the moment without a zillion thoughts of future tasks subconsciously running through my mind driving me slightly batty. So in the moments that I feel like giving up or complaining about how hard this is, I'm going to redirect my train of thought to remember that it's 99% mental. And that I feel happy (albeit tired) just being me! I think that far outweighs anything Adderall was ever able to do for me.
  7. Thanks guys! Day 5! So far so good! I'm really trying to keep an open and positive mind. Every day becomes a little bit better. It's shocking how much this drug interferes with and it's not until you're off of it for a few days that you see how potent and toxic this stuff really is. Sure, the stuff works and yes it does help some people develop skills to manage their responsibilities when all other tricks have been exhausted, but at a very very heavy price. I often thought when I walked out of the doctor's office with script in hand, "so how does this all end? rehab, a mental institution, or some other way?" With the doctor, we never talked about an exit strategy or how/when I should prepare to be weaned off. And to be honest, I would of freaked out if my doctor brought up the idea that one day I would have to go without because I felt like that character in the hobbit with the ring, the prescription was my hidden gem that I could not fathom parting away from. Hell, I even looked up switching doctors when I thought my dose was too low. But now that I can see clearly, I find it a little bizarre that no one talks about the other side to the equation. Now that it's my decision to get off of this stuff, I just find it weird that it's assumed that you're on this for presumably life, until your health insurance runs out and you can't pay the doctor for your regulated vice, or until you've had enough. With no line drawn in the sand, when is it ever enough? With headlines pointing out the obvious drug problem in this country and the growing number of overdoses increasing each year, I think the system is definitely broken. I think that part of the problem is drugs are treated like the long term solution to a wide range of problems. Just as a typical antibiotic is prescribed for a definite duration like a week on the Z-pak for an infection, I think these potently additive drugs should be used as a short term jump start for people so that they can learn the skills necessary to function and contribute to society when it seems nearly impossible to do so on their own. I think after those skills and behaviors are learned or enough time has lapsed where the person should have learned how to deal, the drug should be weaned off like training wheels as dependency is the only other outcome. I feel like so many people know how to manipulate the system in getting prescribed Adderall but in the end the drug ends up manipulating their life. I fell into that group as I ran to my prescribing doctors office every chance to get my monthly fix. I said whatever I needed to say to make him believe that I was truly a better person while on this medicine. Not once did I think to myself, "I only have this for this amount of time, so lets take it carefully and utilize it effectively so I can continue on same positive path once I get off." It was more like "how can I get my hands on more" and figuring out what pharmacy would give me my new prescription a few days early without batting an eyelash. All the regulations and rules made obtaining Adderall from my doctor like an exhausting game but like anything taboo, the want became even more. I don't know one person on Adderall that isn't hooked on it on some level. And that's why I think one of the most noble but difficult things to do is recognize this and make the decision to quit. Because from the moment you feel that euphoric feeling, the drug has you under its spell. Anyways enough of my tangents lol. I cleaned my apartment yesterday! Big steps, felt so proud of my myself I didn't sleep the greatest though but I think that kind of shows me that I have some work to do on myself. I need to learn how to calm down and wind down- something I use to always blame on Adderall but maybe I have some things I just need to work on that aren't simply a matter of being on or off thismedication. But I'm finding my own way and feeling so proud that I'm doing it on my own and it's not drug induced.
  8. If I did it, you can do it. Trust me.

    I have to tell you that you motivated me to give quitting a chance. The part about not recognizing yourself in the mirror (I'm not going to be able to write that in a way that does it justice) but I've had that moment with myself and words can't even describe the range of feelings and thoughts that cycle through. It's a scary moment when things that seemed so in control are really just the opposite and when meaning is void from everything. anyways, your comments about going to the gym and excercising gave me the inspiration to get in there today despite feeling tired and it was a good feeling to feel natural endorphins. So thank you for sharing your story! As you can tell, it resonates with a lot of ppl here as well as me and I hope you're doing well. Happy holidays!
  9. Hi all you brave souls, I'm not new to this website, I found it a great resource when I gave up Adderall about a year ago.. I was successful at staying off of it for 3months or so but went back on once I landed a job with brutally long hours. For me, it was the right decision at the time as the job is just so fast paced (PR agency) and I learned a few coworkers also take it to stay on top of everything. It was a choice I made and I see why I did but I regret getting sucked in to the mentality that this was my little helper as it's more like a little manipulator, more than anything. Anyways, I think I always knew this would be a problem. The two weeks to reset tolerance, my doctor sometimes recommended always seemed like a ridiculous suggestion. That red flag worried me but wasn't enough to make me stop. I don't have a necessarily addictive personality although I did go through a few bouts of eating disordered behavior in college. Looking back, I see it was an issue with feeling in control since I felt shame from my earlier years and my wild child behavior. I wanted to be a perfect lil person.. Which is why I fell in love with adderall. But as we all know, it's a love hate relationship. Soon, it starts to just take over your life and consume your thoughts. And before you know it, you forget what it feels like to feel normal/natural.. But at this point you don't really care. It's not until you get a feeling of being so washed up, so sick of yourself, so unhappy that you start questioning the very prescription bottle that you thought would solve everything. I've been down this road so many times with myself. Nights where I can't sleep because I took one too late in the afternoon trying to rush on a deadline, nights where my I fight with my boyfriend or am just going through the motions without really being there, productive days that whizz by but with no meaning. It feels like your on a one track path to miserably-productive-town but changing your destination seems so hard. Any of the beauty in life that once made it all worthwhile.., you can no longer see. It's ALL work and NEVER being able to let go to "play". It's very isolating too.. Those who know I'm on this don't really understand.. Nor do I want them too because I know how worried they would be if they knew my heart feels like it's racing so hard it might stop or why I constantly feel so hot yet I'm in an air conditioned room. So I always pretend "everything's fine.. Great, in fact! No need to worry about me! I'm just busy,busy,busy!" But inside I wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?" And I worry all night until the sun comes up. So here I am. 4 days without being on it and feeling like a mess!! And the truth is I'm only on break because my doctors appointment is this week and I'm out. BUT the most wonderful thing has happened in the four days, I remembered what it felt like to be proud of me. I remembered how life was before Adderall because every hour of every day I feel like the old me is thawing out. So I told myself that this is my experiment. I may not be able to swear that this day going forward I'll never go back on Adderall but what I can do is say I'm going to take this one day at a time and I'm going to record and relish when something happens that makes me feel so happy to be off Adderall. For example, I dragged my butt to the gym today. Mind you, I went to the gym everyday while on Adderall but there is something so different about finishing a workout on your own accord. Maybe it was the endorphins, maybe it was my self worth getting stronger but whatever it was, it felt good! I walked out proud as a peacock and went to the supermarket to refuel. So don't mind me while I post about the small daily victories and feel good moments. I'm happy to read ya'll posts too as I know even if our stories differ we're all in this together!