heretoday

I ran out of my prescription yesterday so, like many times before, I have to wait awhile to refill. It's when I run out that there's sort of sudden onset of reality where I realize that Adderral has made a wreckage of my life. While on Adderall I have tremendous drive to learn new skills, which seems like a good thing. I've been able to breakthrough the lack of persistence barrier that's blocked me from learning something new that would be useful to my career or a skill I've always wanted to learn for fun. The problem is that I'll neglect everything else in the process, including human interaction. I'll intentionally socially isolate myself so I can get things done, pull all nighters, and even neglect basics like brushing my teeth thoroughly. I don't think it's just because of Adderral as there were other incompatibilities but I lost my partner. We have a child together and while I do spend time with him every week, she shoulders most of the day-to-day responsibility of parenting. Sometimes when I am with my son, all I can think about is getting through the day so I can get back to some project or another. I'm not there in the moment but just sort of going through the motions, counting the hours like it was a job. A few years ago, I lost most of my social circle, so I don't have many friends. I work from home so I spend a massive amount of time alone. When I'm on an Adderral binge, I'll avoid social opportunities, decline invites, and even actively avoid contact with other human beings. Needless to say that actively avoiding social interaction further contracts one's social life. When I'm on Adderral I tell myself this is a good thing because I need to focus and social activities would be a waste of Adderal. When I do socialize I'll often feel impatient, interrupting frequently, talking either too much or, paradoxically, talking too little. I sometimes go for days without leaving the house, almost all of that time in front of a computer, scrounging for whatever food is left, ordering out. Then I get to the point where I feel so ragged from my binge that I'm ashamed to even go to the grocery store. But most of the time, I'm so absorbed in working or learning x or y that I completely forget about my problems. I don't feel lonely, instead I feel people in my life would just slow me down from learning what I need to learn. Then I run out of Adderral, looking up to notice that my shades are drawn, realizing that I've not had a real conversation with an adult in weeks, and that that I don't know what to do with myself. I have no desire to continue with with the projects I was working on while on Adderral. This feeling of isolation and despair descends on me. The first step would be to get my act together, building a life, repairing relationships (though some are probably beyond repair), and restarting the outdoor activities I used to have so much passion for. I should go for a hike, no a run, no I should get some weed as that helps with the crash. No, I should reach out to a friend as we had intended to make plans to hang out. But I've done nothing today. Nothing at all. I then say to myself this is my chance to quit Adderral. It's ruined your life and you're a better person when you're off it. It's obvious. Even during these low points between refills, my relations with my ex go better, I feel more connected to my son, I even exercise more. This will likely start today as I will eventually get the motivation to get outside at some point. I should quit, I say to myself. Then the work week will start and I will struggle to get out of bed, I'll struggle to work. The self talk will eventually start going the other direction. Look at all that you were able to accomplish on Adderral. Everyone is on it so you won't be able to keep up in your work, not so much this job but building the skills for the next job. It's a performance enhancer and you need that. I talk myself out of quitting then it gets to the point where I'm counting down days until i can refill my prescription. Then that glorious day finally arrives and I forget all about wanting to quit. This time it'll be different. My prescription is a large dose so I'll take only the prescribed dose. Better yet, I'll take less than the prescribed dose. Yeah, that's it, I'll take just a little bit each day this time. But the thing is as low as I feel during the time between prescription refills, my life is actually better. I'm more likable, calmer, more socially skilled, and MUCH more balanced in how I spend my time. I don't stay up all night. I do exercise during the times between refills. I want to quit so badly but I've wanted to quit so badly before but it's never stood up to prescription refill day (the soonest possible day I can refill). Prescription refill day looms ahead once again and I fear my resolve will collapse once again. I'm not sure why I wrote this post here because I'm not sure there's anything anybody could say to me that would change this pattern. It does have to come from within but I'm afraid I don't have it. I hope there is something someone could say that would help me find the will to quit but I fear that there isn't a way out of this maze.