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About TodayDeterminesTomorrow

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  1. 64 days

    Hi all- it's been a while since I've been on here but I felt compelled to post. Today marks 64 days since I last took a pill. At the time I quit I was taking at least 100mg's per day, some days there was so much I stopped counting. I legitimately felt like I would never be able to quit this junk, I would stop- suffer through a week of withdrawals and then couldn't stop myself from repeating the cycle- until I did. I simply got to the point where something had to give, I couldn't live like this anymore and 64 days ago I tossed every pink pill I had and sought out a therapist. Obviously it isn't easy, some days are better than others but if this inspires anyone that reads it, then hell yeah! I feel so much better phy silly and mentally, if I can do it then so can you- trust me
  2. Thought I had it- I was wrong

    Hi all- so the last time I posted on here was months ago and somehow or another, I was able to quit cold turkey and make it several months without a pill. onviously you see where this is going...6 weeks ago I convinced myself I could try taking a pill or two and I was a changed man that understood how moderation works. I was wrong. Fast forward and while I haven't used daily, occasionally a week or so without use even- I feel worse than ever and today took at least 100mg's with a full script filled and waiting. Really I just wanted to write to you guys bc of how much everyone helped in the past. I am legitimately so scared- when I quit months ago I was able to flush what I had and was convinced I hated this crap, but I need to be honest and tell you all that while I desperately want to feel that way now, I just dont- and that's scaring me to hell. Any thoughts. Opinions, suggestions or anything really would be beyond appreciated.
  3. Down the toilet- 30 Orange Ones

    Just wanted to fill everyone in...tomorrow will be a week. I'm glad I did what I did and after 6 rough days I'm definitely out of the rough stuff...meaning im upright, feeling some semblance of normalcy returning and feel like I'm back to heading in the right direction. It's been a brutal week, but I can't thank you guys enough- this problem of mine is something that I haven't shared wi5h anyone, probably out of shame, guilt, I dunno...regardless, an outlet like this is invaluable. I can't say I'll never screw up again, I can just say that I'm going to try my best. I don't know if anyone else has this feeling but I actually dislike being on adderall. I mean, I like certain things and if i had any ability to self monitor myself I'm sure it would be fine....but that's not me, I'll take a pill on day 1 and work, up it to 2 and work some more...then I just keep adding and adding to the point where I'm kiddingly myself if I think I'm actually getting real work done. I'm getting high is what I'm doing, and it's not even a fun one. I don't know what it is about this drug that pulls me back, but it does. The hell week is over, I'm confident I'll get back on track..,,but I'm sure that bird is going to tweet in my ear down the line...maybe In a month, maybe less, maybe's on me to make the right choice when that day comes.
  4. Down the toilet- 30 Orange Ones

    Thanks for everyone's support. Here's an update....I spent yesterday sleeping. 20 hours basically. Today I'm at work but an absolute mess...tired, irritable, anxious, you name it. I feel like hell but at least I know it's for the right reasons. Man I wish I hadn't put myself in this spot
  5. Down the toilet- 30 Orange Ones

    I think the title says it all. Just to fill in anyone who may have missed my post from a few days ago- I was 8 months clean and caved. I am writing this to follow up and bear with me if I'm wordy- I have consumed about 120 mgs of adderall today. Luckily I can say for certain I won't be consuming another because I just walked to the bathroom and threw the contents of thebottle into the bowl. I wish I could say I feel a wave of relief but that would be a lie. I also wish I could say that this decision felt as good as it did when I did it the last time- 2 months ago. When I did it that time at least I was proud of myself for taking the "final" proactive step needed to protect me from me. When I tossed the bottle last time it was a guarentee that although the short term pain would be real and hard, the days of being a slave to a stupid pill that people ironically refer to as a "smart drug" we're over. I remember feeling excited and ready to take on whatever the withdrawals threw at me and it was a Sunday evenening and the site of my wife and 18 month old daughter playing without me in my driveway that pushed me. I was inside, working on whatever I was pawning off as "super important" and the reality hit me that if I didn't get in my car, drive to my office (where the rest of my pills were) this moment of clarity may pass before it was too late. I got in, drove to the office and flushed. 8 weeks feels like an eternity and this time it went down differently. I wasn't going to stop, I can't even honestly say right now that I want to because that's not true, I want to keep going and if kept last weeks script upright it would be empty by Friday. I would find a way to get more, I know it. That's the scariest sentence to type and the most honest paragraph I can write. I don't want to stop, I know I can always get my hands on these pills. It literally feels like there is an alternate me that did what he just did. I just signed myself up for a week of hell involuntarily and I did it bc I am honestly scared. Last time I was scared of myself and knew that my willpower was too fragile to trust with a bottle of 30mgs. This time Im not scared of my lack of willpower- I'm scared bc I wish that I was scared of my willpower. No, I am scared by the fact that I'm not scared. Iin just 1 week I have escalated so far off the rails that it's scary, it went from half a pill and disappointment in myself to 120 Mgs and not feeling a stitch of concern in less than a week. I don't know why I just tossed that bottle and the withdrawals are going to be terrible- but I don't know what else to do. Like I said- what scares me most, and must be what caused this decision, is the absence of fear and a realization that the alarm bells that should be ringing aren't anywhere to be found. Thank you all for your support, just a place to write this out and explain my feelings is beyond helpful and appreciated.
  6. 8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

    That's a great question, my response is probably different than you would think. To answer the question if I rationalized and convinced myself this time would be different- the honest answer is no. I know, without question, that it ends the same way every time. That's what makes me so dissapointed in my decision. However, the relapse did follow the same trends as usual...I stopped visiting the forum, my workout routine started to slack, I spent longer, less productive, time at the office....the second I called in the presrcription though, I knew I was screwed.
  7. 8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

    It's been 5 days now, around 90mg per day- admittedly, I have no ability to control myself once I start, I hate that. I don't have the ability for a lazy day tomorrow bc of an extremely busy work schedule. I want so badly to toss these down the drain right here and now, but I can't get myself to do it. My plan (planning is all I got right now) is to get through Monday and toss them Monday night. So figure it will be 1 full week back on this crap, then cold turkey. Just typing this I can't believe I am putting myself through this again. Thank you guys so much
  8. 8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

    I really appreciate the replies and the encouragement. I know what I need to do but ifs not going to be easy- I can't believe I am going to have to under another one of those 1st week can't get out of bed episodes again. I can only hope that it's not as bad bc of the 8 week break, but I doubt it. Any experience wit this guys?
  9. 8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

    The topic title says it all. I have been off this crap for 2 months and it's like the devil got into me and for no apparent reason I got the thought of re-filling the script in my head and the next thing I know I'm back to where I started 8 weeks ago. I have no ability to control my portions so I've barely slept in 3 days and while support is of course appreciated, I almost feel like I don't deserve it. I hate this stuff, it literally makes me less productive and after the 30 minute high on day 1 is gone, there isn't a single positive that I can honestly say comes from swallowing these pills. I wish I could explain it better but unfortunately I can't, 8 weeks of hard work and I felt like I had finally put this chapter behind me and here I am back at square one. The blame gets pointed at no place but the mirror. I am dissapointed in myself at a level I've never felt before. Thanks for listening guys
  10. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    Hey always-- can I ask you to explain what you meant a bit more about that last post, what is a lie? So this morning I came across three pills that I hadn't realized I still had. I legitimately was hit with a moment of truth opportunity and after 5 mins whichh felt like 5 hours- I threw them (actually wound up and threw like a pitcher) into the toilet and flushed. Man I wish I could say I was proud of myself and I feel great. But the truth is that I really wanted to eat those pills and the emotions of pride etc just aren't what I'm feeling. It's more a sense of, I know I did the right thing, but damn I know I want that feeling. Either way, the toilet doesn't unflush so I'm safe from myself for now. I just wanted to get my thoughts out, thank you all for listening and helping
  11. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    Hi all- just wanted to let everyone know that today is day 11 for me. It hasn't been easy- it almost feels like the first 21 days before the relapse was easier. However, I have cut off supply and told my coworker not to ask or give me anything no matter what. I'm taking it day by day, I just wish my energy would have returned by now, and it hasn't.
  12. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    Hi all- just an update. It's been 3 days, it has been 3 miserable days..but I have been clean for 72 hours. I will continue to give updates as I go and I really appreciate the help, again. If anyone thinks they can stop for 3 weeks and that a few days of use will make the detox any easier- trust me, your mistaken. I haven't been out of bed for more than 10 mins since Saturday.
  13. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    I really can't thank you guys enough for the support. The reality is that I have no idea what caused the slip or why I couldn't stop once I started- but it did and I couldn't. I didn't flush the pills I got my hands on, I just don't have that in me and I'd be lying if I said I could. For me, the relapse happened the second my mind thought about it, it had been 3 weeks and I felt absolutely great. But for some bizarre reason when my buddy at work asked me if I wanted a few pills, I couldn't say no and even though I can't recall a single good thing that I've accomplished while on adderall- there I was again, back where I started 21 days ago. I have barely slept for the past 72 hours but I'm finally out and whether I like it or not- tomorrow is day 1. I am praying that the three weeks I stayed clean will make the next few days less miserable than the first go around- but who knows. Having people encourage me like this gives me so much gratitude and so much motivation- so thank you all again so much. I will check in daily as I go, one day at a time....
  14. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    Thanks in large part to people on this forum, I went 22 days without a pill- and today I caved. I dont know why I did it, i just felt that urge and couldnt stop it. I feel so disgusted with myself and although I dont know the folks on this site that have encouraged me all that well- I feel like Ive dissapointed you guys as well. My life has been so much better over the past 3 weeks, I just dont know why I did what I did and although the pill wore off hours ago, I cant sleep because im so angry with myself. Thank you guys for the support.

    I'm feeling great- but I had a close call today and I'm feeling bad about it. It's been 22 days and after week 1 which was miserable, my entire life has been better- honest to g-d it's that dramatic. Yet today while at work I felt an urge for a pill and while I don't have any, I know a colleague that does and I asked him for one. Thankfully he didn't have, but if he did there is no doubt in my mind I would have taken it and led myself down the rabbit hole I just worked 3 weeks for and I know with all my heart is what's best. I'm scared of myself tonight- which is a bizarre feeling to have