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About oswhid

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  1. Generation RX documentary

    I was able to rent it for $2.99 on YouTube.
  2. My husband reached the one year mark on May 14. I haven't posted yet because we left on that day to go on our first vacation alone together since before he started taking adderall the summer of 2005. We had a lot of fun. A week away going to the beach, biking, kayaking and just hanging out. Unthinkable a year ago! We went on one family vacation in 2009 before all the kids had all left for college but by that time we weren't really "together". Prior to 2005, we went on a family vacation every summer. By the time he quit, the only thing we did together was occasionally going out to eat and even then nine time out of ten we would drive home in angry silence because we were not capable of having a conversation that didn't somehow turn into an argument. I spent about 11 years trying to make sense of the disconnect between the person I knew for 19 years and this person that I was currently living with. I have spent the last year trying to wrap my head around having the first version back. Well not exactly the first version but pretty close. He's still trying to get the whole exercise thing going but the priority this first year has been surviving at work and rebuilding our relationship. Hopefully, we can both work on health and fitness more this next year. Several months before he actually quit cold turkey, he was "supposed" to be tapering down. When he got within a couple of weeks of when he was due to be done, he said that he wasn't ready to quit and hadn't decided yet if he ever would. He said not to bother him and that he would let me know his decision. It was then I made a post here under another user name. The next day, he texted me that he had refilled his prescriptions that morning. I called and actually read him that post out loud over the phone. The only reason he even listened was because he was at work and I said I would come there and make a scene if he didn't. Not sure if it had any effect but I didn't let up and he quit for real about a month later. So my confession: I am "justsaying" and I posted "letter to my husband" on April 12, 2016. I'm sure some of you probably already suspected that though!
  3. 11 month check-in

    Husband reached 11 months today. He's been trying to work out more. It's hard with his work schedule to be consistent because he has to have a good nights sleep or he can't get up in time to work out. One thing I've always worried about is the fact that I "broke the rules" when pushing him to quit this stuff. Everyone says that it has to be something they really want but I knew he would never come to that on his own. Our situation was somewhat unique in that we had almost two decades and 3 kids together before he started taking this stuff. I didn't have to wonder what life would be like without it. He was 49 when he started taking it and 60 when he stopped. I was certain if I could get him off of it long enough to get back to his prior self then he would want to stay off of it. It's been an anxiety filled fifteen months, first the "all in" push to get through to him which was not an easy task and then the worry about relapse until he was completely on board. After a false start where he mostly pretended to taper for 3 months, he informed me exactly one year ago yesterday (4/13/16), that he had refilled his prescriptions. That was a dark, dark day. Then another month of trying to get through until he announced that he quit as of 5/14/16. It took him another couple of months to flush the pills. Slowly I have seen him go from doing it for me to doing it for himself. He has become motivated to get off of his two blood pressure meds that he had to start taking as soon as he got on the speed. He cut down and then stopped the one that made his legs swell first. He probably should have tapered his remaining BP med but as he lost weight, it was making him dizzy because the dose he was on was now too strong. But he just stopped**. He is still having some residual dizziness in the morning but it's slowly getting better. His BP ranges from normal to borderline to a little high but not dangerously so. He found that while on it, it really limited his ability to work out as he was always short of breath as a side effect. As he loses the rest of the weight and gets fit, I think he will get completely back to normal. He has now read up on his BP meds and realizes how he basically has ALL the side effects. ** I know he theoretically should have consulted is doctor about the BP meds but as long as it wasn't in the danger zone, I figured it could be on the high side for a couple or months with out any long term effect. Also I am not thrilled with his doctor who just kept upping BP meds on a 49-60 year old previously healthy marathon runner patient without confronting him about what was really causing it. His GP doctor is part of the same clinic as his psych doctor so he had access to his records and knew what he was on. Every day I breath a little easier. I know I have painted a pretty rosy picture of the last 11 months. To be honest - my bar was so low that it has seemed pretty rosy to me but of course there has been bumps. His emotions can still be volatile at times, mostly when he gets his defenses up about something, though nothing nearly as bad as before. Any insight into how long that takes to go away? So I will end by saying that my daughter, son-in-law and 4 month old grandson arrive tonight for a week visit. What a difference 11 months makes! Have a happy Easter everyone.
  4. addict

    Everything she is accusing you of doing is just her projection. If I pointed out a negative behavior to my husband then without fail within a matter of days he was accusing me of the same thing with apparently no recollection of me having said it first. Then it became a ridiculous argument of "who said it first". It was so stupid but it happened over and over.
  5. The #1 worst thing about Adderall

    As a spouse, the number one thing was the absolute lack of remorse. It wasn't so much the constant rage, arguments, mood swings, blame, etc etc but that he was never ever remorseful, cared about my feelings (lack of empathy) nor accepted the blame for any of his behavior (taking responsibility).
  6. My husband stopped reading for pleasure when he was on adderall - only work related articles and documents. He spent hours and hours laying in bed watching mindless tv on his ipad. Now that he is off, he reads all the time. In fact, it was one of the first changes I noticed.
  7. 10 months and counting!

    Frank, can I ask a question? If you did have all the motivation, drive and focus you wanted, would you be able to earn enough from your business if you stuck to a somewhat normal work schedule - roughly 8-5, 5 days a week? Or are you saying that if only you could be motivated to work all the time 24/7 like you use to, then you could make enough. Maybe there is your answer. My husband is doing ok at work I think. A good nights sleep is the biggest key to surviving.. Gradually over the months, he mentions less and less about it being "hard" or having "bad days" and "good days" at work as in regard to how he feels. If he has a bad day, it's more because of what went on at work dealing with office politics, incompetence, etc - typical corporate crap. But he has never talked to me in great detail about it so he may still struggle more than he says.
  8. Today is 10 months for my husband. I read an article recently - one of those things you click on Facebook. It was asking psychologists what were some of the most profound things a patient ever said to them. One of them replied that an addict had said, "I feel like a ghost, walking around unseen in the backdrops of these other happy lives." That really resonated with me. Even though I wasn't the addict - it described how alone and lonely I felt. Life is still often surreal for me now. In just the past few weeks we have visited my sister for the weekend, have gone for a 25 miles bike ride, done a 12 mile canoe trip down a local river, attended a wine tasting with another couple and bought tickets to a craft beer tasting. I've also made reservations for a 4 day camping trip in a couple of months - something we have never done before. And we had fun. And we didn't fight. It's almost like we are "real" people again. As far as how he is doing. He's just getting back to trying to exercise. He had a bad case of the flu last month followed by food poisoning from a restaurant. The silver lining to that is he lost a lot of weight from those two things and it has made it easier to exercise now that he is feeling better. Though I'm pretty sure he wouldn't recommend that method of weight loss!
  9. My husband was always getting mad at me for not being able to follow his train of thought. It was like he was holding a whole conversation in his head and then would blurt out the last few sentences and couldn't understand why I didn't know what he was talking about. It's like he couldn't always distinguish what he was thinking from what he was saying.
  10. Yeah it was awesome getting to watch them disappear. I cannot describe how much I hated those pills. I was wanting to make a big deal of it but he brought them home from work, marched right in and dumped them. I don't think he wanted to waste any time in case he changed his mind.
  11. My husband didn't flush his pills until he was two months in. He was very adamant about it but wouldn't say why. It wasn't until later until I figured it out. He normally got three months supply at a time. He didn't want to flush them until he had made it to the next refill date in case he changed his mind.
  12. I only heard this second hand (and not from my husband - "J"). J had been with the company for almost 25 years and was one of three IT directors reporting to the VP who was retiring. All three were being considered for the job but J was probably the first or maybe second choice. The CEO ultimately overrode the choice and brought in an outsider who had family friend connections to him. J had been on adderall for just about a year at this point. He was highly respected and considered a valuable employee or had been for the first 24 years. I do not know if his behavior change was noticed at work during the last year but I must assume it was at least to some degree. My husband is naturally outgoing and can be sometimes a little too obnoxiously friendly in social situations but not normally in an aggressive manner. Probably due to coming from a large loud competitive but close family. But on speed, I shudder to think how he must have behaved at times. I usually saw more of the angry crash in the evenings than the tweaked out manic version but I got a glimpse now and then. At any rate, a couple of weeks before the new VP started, she came to a conference to meet all the execs and middle management. At a social event, she looked over and saw J talking to a group of people. I can only imagine how he was behaving - dominating the conversation, telling boring stories accompanied with embarrassing pantomime, and tapping people obsessively/aggressively on the shoulder to make sure they were listening. She asked the person next to her who he was and when told responded, "I don't like him. He's too.....'people-ly'. " (People-ly being the most polite thing she could think of to mean annoyingly obnoxious I suppose). Long story short, she fired him about six weeks after she started work. This was from a job and company than he had every right to believe he would be at until he retired. There was never a moment of job insecurity until that point, yet he was the first person she let go. He's never really recovered emotionally from that. It most likely contributed to his continued use and subsequent financial ruin. One more thing, during those weeks before she fired him, she practically yelled at him to quit clicking his pen over and over in a meeting. I guess he was tweaking out doing that! It would almost be funny if it wasn't so tragic.
  13. My husband reached nine months today. There has been a lot of discussion lately about people still struggling months and even years after quitting. If you are questioning if it it worth it, as a spouse let me say that it has been worth it EVERY SINGLE DAY! We have had a couple of issues arise over the past month that after they were resolved, I sat back and imagined how everything would have unfolded had he still been using. How instead of having each other's back during a difficult time, he would have found some way to blame me or make me feel worse at every turn. I cry tears of joy. Happy Valentine's Day!
  14. Well depending on how long you were on it, there is the possibility that you are just older and naturally have a slower metabolism than you did before you started taking it. I realize on one wants to hear that...
  15. Vein failure

    My husband 30-60mg for 11 years had feet and leg pain. Compression socks helped to some degree. He often had purple corpse feet as well. And cankles. The purple feet were from the adderall but I think that the swelling was due to adderall and one of the two blood pressure meds he had to take due to the adderall. He's been off adderall for 8 1/2 months and purple feet are gone. The swelling is almost gone. He still gets it a little now and then when he has to be on his feet a lot but he hasn't totally stopped the blood pressure medicine. He is taking about half of what he was and will hopefully be completely off when he gets his weight and fitness under control. Once, a couple of years before he quit, he tried running but he suffered such bad calf cramps that he had to stop. He used to run marathons pre adderall.