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About oswhid

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  1. The #1 worst thing about Adderall

    As a spouse, the number one thing was the absolute lack of remorse. It wasn't so much the constant rage, arguments, mood swings, blame, etc etc but that he was never ever remorseful, cared about my feelings (lack of empathy) nor accepted the blame for any of his behavior (taking responsibility).
  2. My husband stopped reading for pleasure when he was on adderall - only work related articles and documents. He spent hours and hours laying in bed watching mindless tv on his ipad. Now that he is off, he reads all the time. In fact, it was one of the first changes I noticed.
  3. 10 months and counting!

    Frank, can I ask a question? If you did have all the motivation, drive and focus you wanted, would you be able to earn enough from your business if you stuck to a somewhat normal work schedule - roughly 8-5, 5 days a week? Or are you saying that if only you could be motivated to work all the time 24/7 like you use to, then you could make enough. Maybe there is your answer. My husband is doing ok at work I think. A good nights sleep is the biggest key to surviving.. Gradually over the months, he mentions less and less about it being "hard" or having "bad days" and "good days" at work as in regard to how he feels. If he has a bad day, it's more because of what went on at work dealing with office politics, incompetence, etc - typical corporate crap. But he has never talked to me in great detail about it so he may still struggle more than he says.
  4. Today is 10 months for my husband. I read an article recently - one of those things you click on Facebook. It was asking psychologists what were some of the most profound things a patient ever said to them. One of them replied that an addict had said, "I feel like a ghost, walking around unseen in the backdrops of these other happy lives." That really resonated with me. Even though I wasn't the addict - it described how alone and lonely I felt. Life is still often surreal for me now. In just the past few weeks we have visited my sister for the weekend, have gone for a 25 miles bike ride, done a 12 mile canoe trip down a local river, attended a wine tasting with another couple and bought tickets to a craft beer tasting. I've also made reservations for a 4 day camping trip in a couple of months - something we have never done before. And we had fun. And we didn't fight. It's almost like we are "real" people again. As far as how he is doing. He's just getting back to trying to exercise. He had a bad case of the flu last month followed by food poisoning from a restaurant. The silver lining to that is he lost a lot of weight from those two things and it has made it easier to exercise now that he is feeling better. Though I'm pretty sure he wouldn't recommend that method of weight loss!
  5. My husband was always getting mad at me for not being able to follow his train of thought. It was like he was holding a whole conversation in his head and then would blurt out the last few sentences and couldn't understand why I didn't know what he was talking about. It's like he couldn't always distinguish what he was thinking from what he was saying.
  6. Yeah it was awesome getting to watch them disappear. I cannot describe how much I hated those pills. I was wanting to make a big deal of it but he brought them home from work, marched right in and dumped them. I don't think he wanted to waste any time in case he changed his mind.
  7. My husband didn't flush his pills until he was two months in. He was very adamant about it but wouldn't say why. It wasn't until later until I figured it out. He normally got three months supply at a time. He didn't want to flush them until he had made it to the next refill date in case he changed his mind.
  8. I only heard this second hand (and not from my husband - "J"). J had been with the company for almost 25 years and was one of three IT directors reporting to the VP who was retiring. All three were being considered for the job but J was probably the first or maybe second choice. The CEO ultimately overrode the choice and brought in an outsider who had family friend connections to him. J had been on adderall for just about a year at this point. He was highly respected and considered a valuable employee or had been for the first 24 years. I do not know if his behavior change was noticed at work during the last year but I must assume it was at least to some degree. My husband is naturally outgoing and can be sometimes a little too obnoxiously friendly in social situations but not normally in an aggressive manner. Probably due to coming from a large loud competitive but close family. But on speed, I shudder to think how he must have behaved at times. I usually saw more of the angry crash in the evenings than the tweaked out manic version but I got a glimpse now and then. At any rate, a couple of weeks before the new VP started, she came to a conference to meet all the execs and middle management. At a social event, she looked over and saw J talking to a group of people. I can only imagine how he was behaving - dominating the conversation, telling boring stories accompanied with embarrassing pantomime, and tapping people obsessively/aggressively on the shoulder to make sure they were listening. She asked the person next to her who he was and when told responded, "I don't like him. He's too.....'people-ly'. " (People-ly being the most polite thing she could think of to mean annoyingly obnoxious I suppose). Long story short, she fired him about six weeks after she started work. This was from a job and company than he had every right to believe he would be at until he retired. There was never a moment of job insecurity until that point, yet he was the first person she let go. He's never really recovered emotionally from that. It most likely contributed to his continued use and subsequent financial ruin. One more thing, during those weeks before she fired him, she practically yelled at him to quit clicking his pen over and over in a meeting. I guess he was tweaking out doing that! It would almost be funny if it wasn't so tragic.
  9. My husband reached nine months today. There has been a lot of discussion lately about people still struggling months and even years after quitting. If you are questioning if it it worth it, as a spouse let me say that it has been worth it EVERY SINGLE DAY! We have had a couple of issues arise over the past month that after they were resolved, I sat back and imagined how everything would have unfolded had he still been using. How instead of having each other's back during a difficult time, he would have found some way to blame me or make me feel worse at every turn. I cry tears of joy. Happy Valentine's Day!
  10. Well depending on how long you were on it, there is the possibility that you are just older and naturally have a slower metabolism than you did before you started taking it. I realize on one wants to hear that...
  11. Vein failure

    My husband 30-60mg for 11 years had feet and leg pain. Compression socks helped to some degree. He often had purple corpse feet as well. And cankles. The purple feet were from the adderall but I think that the swelling was due to adderall and one of the two blood pressure meds he had to take due to the adderall. He's been off adderall for 8 1/2 months and purple feet are gone. The swelling is almost gone. He still gets it a little now and then when he has to be on his feet a lot but he hasn't totally stopped the blood pressure medicine. He is taking about half of what he was and will hopefully be completely off when he gets his weight and fitness under control. Once, a couple of years before he quit, he tried running but he suffered such bad calf cramps that he had to stop. He used to run marathons pre adderall.
  12. just random wondering

    This isn't a specific question but just something that occurred to me. My husband is currently eight months clean after eleven years of adderall use. I was reflecting on how adderall made him so contrary to the point of disagreeing with me about pretty everything even when I was certain that he would have agreed with me in the past. I also thought about how little support I got from telling people about what was going on. They would act sympathetic but almost always revealed that they knew someone whose "little Johnny" was on it. Then I started thinking that surely kids have the same side effects as adults in that it made them nasty, little a**holes. Which led to me wondering how many high energy kids get an adhd diagnosis and put on adderall, only to start acting defiant and then get diagnosed with ODD - oppositional defiant disorder. When I searched online it seem that a lot of kids had a dual diagnosis. I have no experience with children on this but I can't help but think this is an epidemic that isn't being addressed. Just one more reason this stuff is evil.
  13. Eight Months!

    Just doing my monthly check-in. Husband made it to 8 months yesterday. He has been exercising and watching his diet for just over two weeks. So far so good...
  14. I'm another spouse who has found this site incredibly helpful. My husband is still taking adderall, willing to quit, but not willing to admit the extent of its destruction. We are at the beginning of our quit journey, I hope. May I ask how your spouse quit and how did you help him? 

    1. oswhid


      Just saw this.  I can tell you that I broke all the "rules".  Everyone says that no one can make an addict quit if they aren't ready.  While that is true as far as it goes I knew that my husband would never be "ready" due to being an older person who while very intelligent, is very self unaware.  He grew up in the sixties as a nerd who didn't drink and didn't smoke pot.  He never viewed his prescription as anything other than medicine and not the speed that it actually was.  I made him quit by brute force plain and simple. I made the choice that either I was going to make him quit or he was going to divorce me.  And it was touch and go.  I was relentless.   I made him listen. And we went through about 6 months that had nothing on a Jerry Springer show.  I'm surprised the cops didn't show up at our door.  He had absolutely no interest in this website but I kept at it until he listened to me read posts from here for hours.  I took the shotgun approach.  I told him that I never thought that he was a coward.  The person I knew ran a marathon when a doctor advised them not to due to a foot infection. I told him that I wish his mother was still alive to see what had become of him.  I said everything hoping that something would stick.   I read all the health side effects that he was experiencing that he tried to rationalize was caused by something else.  I can't tell you for sure what finally go through.  But drip by drip it must have.  We just went out to eat on for New Year eve and I am happier than I have been since circa 2005. I was at the end of my rope but wanted to know that if I walked away it wouldn't be until I gave it my all first.  But the willingness to walk away was the key because it gave you the freedom to go for broke so to speak.

    2. oswhid


      As far as how he quit - he had about a week off of work due to a minor procedure and quit then.  He then came home from work utterly exhausted for a few weeks after but pushed through.  Getting a full eight hours of sleep was the most helpful.  He also drank energy drinks and and got plenty of caffeine in the mornings but stopped around noon as not to interfere with sleep.  He takes several supplements but not really sure how much they help.  He's at 7.5 months right now and is just starting to really try to get motivated to exercise.  If he can stick with it, I think it will what gets him over the hump once and for all.  As far as how I helped, I tried to make sure that the only thing he has to do is go to work and come home and that is it.


  15. Seven Month check-in

    My husband made it to seven months today. He is doing well. Exercise is still pretty much on the back burner but hopeful about getting that going soon. I still can't wrap my head around interacting, talking, laughing and being affectionate with the person that I married and was with for nineteen years again. There was one true thing in my life back then - my husband loved me and would never leave me. Yet that person literally disappeared for eleven years replaced by someone (something) that was unrecognizable. Someone filled with rage and was cold unfeeling, and cruel. Someone who mentioned divorce or leaving on a regular basis because "this isn't working". Someone who I could not have even the most casual of conversations with without him finding something to contradict or misinterpret and inevitably turning into either an explosive argument or me walking away in frustration, disbelief and sadness. So much sadness... Now I just returned from a ten day trip. He couldn't wait for me to come home. And I couldn't wait to be home. I wouldn't say that he is 100% yet but getting there. He is slow to anger and quick to recover but his emotions are still more volatile once they are stirred. But nothing like while he was using. My anxiety about him relapsing has eased a good bit but it's always hovering there in the background. He still does not seem ready to accept that the damage caused by the decisions he made and the actions he took was influenced by his adderall use. As if he doesn't want to throw his former "best friend" under the bus. That discussion needs to happen at some point but I am patient. Maybe after the one year mark even two. We became grandparents two weeks ago. Hopefully he will only know us as a loving couple.