oswhid

Hey yall. It's been a while! You can search on my old posts to see my back story if you want the details. I'm the woman whose husband got on adderall at the age of 49 and went through 11 years old of hell before he finally quit. I spent years checking this site every day and then years pretty much every few days. Now I maybe check once every few months if that. It's been almost 6 1/2 years since he quit. It took about 3 years for me not to be hyper vigilant for any sign of relapse. But over the last few years, I've finally been able to put the worry behind me. This site gave me the knowledge I needed to fight to get him to quit. I hope that it continues to help people who seek it. I see that there's been several posts recently from people who are in a similar situation as I was: the surrealness of the 180 degree change in personality, the blame, the lies, the screaming and rage, the lack of remorse and, of course, the hopelessness. I feel your pain. I remember the times I sobbed in the garage so he couldn't hear me because my crying only made him angrier. I got lucky. Since I hadn't posted in so long, I did want to let everyone know that things are still on track. I didn't want anyone to think that no news was bad news. Thanks again. This forum save my life and his.

Find my posts. I have written pretty much these exact quotes.

Hi @MollyTI'm one of those broken (and recovered after 11 long years*) marriages that you may have read about. Just the fact that you were able to determine that adderall was the cause for the rage is admirable. Once you are under it's spell, that's when the blame game begins. I don't have any advice that others haven't already said better than I could so I will just say this, "Run away from this stuff as fast as you can and never look back! " *Mr. Oswhid had his five year quitting adderall anniversary on May 14

Yes. He has been off almost 4 and a half years now. It is finally starting to seem like some distant nightmare.

My husband reached four years yesterday. He said, "Thanks for saving my life". Of course, he saved his own life but any help I provided was mainly due to knowledge I gained from all of you. There really is no other resource online that comes close.

3 years!

While our relationship is doing really well all things considered, there are times when I feel we could benefit from talking to to a counselor but I would never risk going to someone without knowing beforehand their view on adderall.

@DrewK15 I see that what I wrote came out wrong. Even though it came out wrong I just get so upset (not mad) when I feel that someone may have unrealistic expectations and use that as a reason to relapse. My hate for this drug has no limit and I think it got the best of me today. My husband is doing really well but he does not like to talk about it much. I think I just needed a release today and seeing Frank waver brought up the suppressed terror I have of my husband relapsing though there has not been any signs.

@William It was a stupid fluke and I blame myself. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back to one moment in time and not do what I did. When our son was in 3rd grade he was having "behavior problems" according to his teacher even though his grades were fine. She said he wouldn't stay in his seat and had problems paying attention. Turned out he just needed glasses and was getting up to see what was going on and also was missing things that she pointed out because he couldn't see. But before we figured that out, we took him to a doctor who, you guess it, prescribed adderall. We got a prescription for I think 5mg ir. I really wasn't that thrilled about putting him on drugs so he never even finished the first months supply and we never refilled. Meanwhile we figured out the real problem. But that bottle with 2 or 3 pills stayed in our drawer for 5 years. One day my husband who was 49 at the time complained about not being able to stay focused on his work because of constantly being interrupted by people. I remember it like yesterday - it was a beautiful spring day. I walked over to the drawer and handed him the bottle and in my ignorance said "try this see if it helps". Apparently it was love at first pill. I had no idea that that one act would alter the course of our lives forever. As I said, not a day goes by that I don't relive that moment and want to weep. I constantly imagine walking over to the sink and putting it down the disposal instead.

I expected push back. That's fine. My point is that I don't feel that everyone does know this or remembers this especially people who have been on it for years or started very young. I'm glad you do. I hope this is a safe space to rant when needed because trust me it's been no picnic from this side either. I'll try to keep it to a minimum though.

@DrewK15 I hear you. In my defense I did say a rant was forthcoming. It had been building for awhile. But I believe I have every right to express my opinion. I survived 11 years of adderall hell. Addiction affects everyone not just the user. I've lost my financial security, endured years of verbal abuse, probably have ptsd to some degree and have gone through a life time supply of tiny violins listening to the job related reasons for continuing using at the cost of everything else in life: health, happiness, marriage, relationships, family, intimacy. I do have empathy even if it didn't come across. I have done everything possible to ease my husband's recovery. I admit to getting impatient with young people (and even 40 is young to me) complaining about how long recovery takes. At the risk of sounding like an old coot: What I wouldn't give for my husband and me to be going through this in our 30's and not our 50's and 60's.

That's pretty much sums it up.

@Frank B Well I've seen it up close and personal. I figured I would piss you off even though that wasn't my intent. I know you don't think that life should be roses all the time BUT I have noticed an ongoing theme among a lot of you that sounds like you have forgotten or never experienced adult life without adderall and have unrealistic expectations. Everyone has financial worries these days. We are old and have no retirement because of decisions my husband made while on adderall. I don't have the answer to that but I can tell you that adderall isn't it. For the record, I admire you for being so blunt and honest in your posts. I figured you could take it.

Going to rant just a bit so I apologize in advance. Sometimes I think that many of you on here have unrealistic expectations of REAL life. Maybe you were on adderall so long that you forgot. Or maybe you started when you were young and got off when you were more mature. More mature as in older, slower, less filled with youthful energy and enthusiasm. All the things that people gradually experience as they age but you missed it because you had artificially masked it. Now you are experiencing it for the first time and well - welcome to the real world. Guess what? It isn't all roses. It sucks sometimes. A lot of the times. Us non-users are lazy, unmotivated, depressed ALL the time too. Who the heck ever said that work has to be fun and fulfilling. It's just f'ing WORK. You know, what you do to make money. That's it. If you don't hate it that's great but not a requirement. Good grief!!! We lay around all weekend watching netflix and not doing shit that we know we should do too. We have days where where it all seems pointless and hopeless too. Yes we have good moments too but they come and go. Life is not one constant stream of energy and motivation. Yes there are those people that seem to always be happy, motivated and energetic but they are the exception not the norm. And maybe they are faking it a good bit too - putting on a show. Like those people who present a perfect life on facebook. @Frank B it IS normal for someone in shape to be unmotivated. One day I may run ten miles, one day I may clean the whole house, and then I may spend several days sitting on the couch on my computer reading in horror and depressed about that thing currently in the white house or wasting hours doing a coloring app on my phone. What isn't normal is endless motivation. But I can tell you one thing that is wonderful about real life these days - not living with an asshole who is a slave to adderall. End rant.

@Onedayatatime From what I have read here over the years, it seems that tapering often works to get you to a lower level (for example 60mg-30mg) but at some point (for you 20mg) you get low enough that you are just in a continual withdrawal state and are just prolonging the suffering. That is the point in which to go cold turkey.

Day 1000!!!! From and including: Saturday, May 14, 2016 To and including: Thursday, February 7, 2019 Result: 1000 days

@Frank B If you are used to running in traditional shoes with a high heel drop, you should gradually reduce to a minimalist shoe to prevent calf strain as well as incorporate daily calf stretches. Runningwarehouse.com has a lot of good information on running shoes re: heel drop, stack height, etc. It's like women who wear high heels all the time and their calf muscles shorten and they can't wear flats.

@joeshmoOur fights got very ugly at times. It was so hard to comprehend how much our relationship changed. When we were a young couple with three little kids and both of us with full time jobs, there was a retired couple that lived next door. They were constantly barking, bickering and yelling at each other and we could hear them from our bedroom. It was awkward and sad and funny at times but the main thing was that we could never imaging behaving like they did. Yet we ended up much worse once adderall came into the picture.

How long were you with your wife before you started adderall? If she is willing, tell her about this website and have her educate herself about what has happened to you. My husband was on adderall for about 11 years. I felt like I was living out an episode of the twilight zone where my husband was replaced by an identical looking alien and no one but me suspected anything and no one believed me. This website gave me the answers I was looking for.

31 (months)

Another trick that smokers use is to say that they can start smoking again on their 99th birthday.

From two different family members, I have seen bipolar I mania and I have seen how how taking adderall can completely change your personality and mimic mania. It can be hard to tell the difference. I cannot think of a worse combo than someone who is predisposed to mania taking adderall.

SeanW - Sorry about the rant. Needless to say I got a bit "triggered" by your comments. Maybe your relationship wasn't meant to be and you are better without her....BUT you can never truly put someone first when an addiction is involved. We all know what comes first to an addict. I don't know how to stress to you younger people that the time it takes to recover - even if it's several years - will just be a blip decades from now.

I'm sorry SeanW if I come across as harsh but your post hit very close to home with me. My husband and I were happy together for about 19 years (married 18) with three kids when he started taking adderall. Almost overnight, I went from the love of his life to "a terrrible person", "controlling", "manipulative", "ruined our family", "bad mother", and on an on. And that is just what he said to my face. I can only imagine what all he told his friends and family about me. Well before he became estranged from most of them too anyway. I'm sure he went on about how he always put me first and how I badly I treated him. Maybe what you saw as manipulation was her trying to walk on eggshells around a room filled with landmines. The good news is that even after 11 years of hell, we managed to salvage our relationship. He has been off adderall for 30 months now. In many ways our relationship is better than it's ever been because we take not one moment for granted. Not to sugar coat it too much though, there is still a lot of bitterness and resentment on my part and denial and defensiveness on his, but we work hard everyday not to allow that to creep in. The best way I can describe what adderall does to an existing relationship is suddenly every small past mistake or fault of the partner is suddenly 1000 times worse - things that weren't even a big deal at the time - and all of your past mistakes and faults disappear - at least in your own mind.

From someone who was in a relationship with an adderall user: Do not trust your evaluation of this girl or anyone for that matter while you are on adderall. If you are on adderall, your perspective becomes skewed. Everything becomes some one else's fault and when your gaslighting behavior drives them to act crazy, you use that to support your accusations that they are the one with the problem. That's why I call it "blamerall". If you really want to find true love and happiness in a relationship, you have to quit.