eric

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About eric

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  1. Day 14.

    @idkanymore well I’m finishing up my day 20. Just checking in and I hope your weekend was good. This week should be a big one for ya in recovery! There is always support here when you need it. Best of luck!
  2. Just need to vent

    Glad to hear you got thru the day without taking meds and it sounds like that’s a great friend to have supporting you going forward. You’ve done it once before and you can do it even better this time cause you learned something from it. I was actually in a treatment center (for alcohol) for 30 days back in 2012 and heard so many stories from all types of users. What I learned is people make mistakes, some more than others, and you can’t focus on the guilt or shame of a relapse. It’s just part of recovery sometimes. All you can do is learn from it and focus on moving forward cause the guilt will just make it worse and you can’t change what’s been done. Just focus on getting thru one hour at a time at work tomorrow and you will feel so rewarded when you get done. You got this!!! And my day was not perfect, I was pretty fatigued, but I’m just paying my dues for over 5 years of abuse. Better than being a slave to the drug tho. Good luck!!!
  3. Just need to vent

    @Geometric11 Hope things are going okay for you today...I know exactly what your going thru cause I've done it so many times. Feel free to vent, just know I'm rooting for ya and sending good vibes your way!!! I'm day 20 today which has seemed impossible for the past couple years. I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my Sunday as a clean person and its not perfect but its better than being tweaked out anyday!!! Hang in there!!
  4. Just need to vent

    DISCLAIMER: Some of this post is me venting which helps me deal with my struggles as well, hope it isn't too long and helped you in some sort of way. I abused adderall and vyvanse for over 5 years and as you saw in my other post I'm currently on my 19th day clean. I've "quit" numerous times over the years and most of the time I would get 2-3 weeks in and cave. The longest I went without taking anything was 30 days back in November of 2016. I remember feeling so amazing that November and ready for a change but I somehow had that urge come over to take one from a friend right before we were going to Vegas. We were actually at the airport and the urge hit me so suddenly that its hard to explain how intense the feeling was, the addiction literally hijacked my brain in a matter of seconds and threw everything positive out the door . It's insane to think how I was completely fine and excited about the trip and without it being offered or anything the thought raced into my head "this would be even more exciting if I were on addie, this isn't natural to be this happy" and its like I blacked out or something cause I asked if they had any and if I could have one. Without a second thought I popped it and came too, it was a horrible feeling after I swallowed it followed by an amazing feeling 30 minutes later and asking myself "why did i quit in the first place? this stuff is great"....fast forward a few hours and I had so much remorse/guilt and felt like a failure. Barely enjoyed the vacation and was a zombie and continued to take them when there and after I got back from the trip. Today is the longest I've been off meds since that quit in November of 2016. I've tried numerous times to quit since then but never had the same desire to quit like I do now because I felt so deflated from how easily I gave in to my addiction. As you can tell I still remember that day at the airport and how amazing I felt before the urge came on and how ruined I felt after taking it. I have finally held onto those memories and use them as a learning experience to counter my addictive thoughts when they start. Sooooo... everyone goes thru recovery differently. My buddy has been clean for almost 4 years and made recovery seem so easy yet I couldn't find the strength to quit. It was kind of disheartening for me to see him breeze right thru the weeks, months, and years even though he abused pills worse than I did before he quit. I almost became convinced that I would be on them till they killed me. Thankfully on the night of July 29 I convinced myself again that I can do this and that my life has only gotten worse from being on meds. In the past I would stop taking them and not work my recovery and by that I mean not come to this site, not reflect on why I quit, not count my days, not do anything to help build up a foundation for a post adderall life. This time I'm doing things differently and have my own lessons to reflect back upon that caused me to relapse when i get that craving. In conclusion, recovery is not the same for everyone and is an ongoing process. People have different situations, emotions, and rock bottoms and these all play a major part in getting clean. Some of us are able to quit once and some have to go thru more hell than others. ONE thing we ALL have in common is that we cannot use this terrible drug again cause it only leads to pain and misery.
  5. Day 14.

    I'm halfway thru Day 19 and doing good. I'll probably start my own post in the next 11 days instead of taking over @idkanymore's lol. Today is Saturday and like much of the south it is freaking hot outside and I'm staying inside. I work outside during the week and its been rough with temperatures being so high, its amazing how the meds would allow me to work in the heat without thinking about it as long as I stayed hydrated (I experienced rhabdomyolysis my first year of taking meds and I know I only got it because of letting the meds let me over work myself). So its been tough this week getting thru work but I must say that the abundance of sunshine this early in recovery may be helping with potential depression feelings that come from stimulant withdrawal. In the past I would try to quit in the winter time to make work easier but I felt worse emotionally which may have been due in part to the winter weather/shorter days. So far this week my cravings have not been there at all, its been quite a unique experience to not constantly think about pills. Any work issues that come up I just get thru them as best as possible along with dealing with the kiddo going back to school. I have however felt very fatigued the past 3 days but thankfully I know why I'm feeling this way (withdrawal and heat) and I know that one day things will get better as long as I stay the course. I've also been watching a lot of the Intervention show on Hulu, I never wanted to before cause it would make me feel bad about my problems or convince myself that I'm not as bad as those people so I got my problem under control. I watch it now and it gives me a sense of hope, especially when I see how much they transform after treatment (3-4 months after their intervention) and hoping that I see them still sober at the end of the episode. I cheer for them so much that I'm now cheering myself on and it feels amazing to have this drive to better myself finally. I know this mightve been scatterbrained but I hope I got my feelings across. Overall, I feel so much better mentally and psychically. I've given myself a second chance at life and I get to experience it now with a renewed sense of the world. To anybody out there currently struggling, it may be scary to quit but its totally worth it!!!
  6. Day 14.

    Well I’m at the end of day 13 and thankfully still going strong, I’ve had a few urges and it appears that I may have actually learned something from all those failed attempts to quit in the past cause I quickly recognize the craving and extinguish it before it leads to anything bad. Basically after a minute I end up with the conclusion that taking something is not the answer and I won’t get better if I do. Time is the only thing that will heal me at this point and I’m finally understanding that! @idkanymore How are you doing? Since your a week ahead of me i look forward to seeing your posts! Lol.
  7. Welcome to the forum, I’m actually in the middle of my day 10 right now, so if I’m not mistaken you should be at the end of your day 9? And congrats if you are!!! Im a male in my 30’s with a wife and 6 yr old child, I abused adderall and vyvanse for the last 5.5 years and have been attempting to quit at various times for the last 4 years (I also developed a problem with tramadol for the last 2.5 years but I’ve been off that for a few months now and it was rough getting off at first but it didn’t/doesn’t linger in my mind at all like adderall). I have other posts that explained my usage and what not but it seemed to always be horrible times when on it. I’ve been on these forums for 4.5 years and I feel like I may have seen something about skin sensitivity at some point from a member and I truly can’t remember if it ever happened to me, but this drug has caused me so many physical side effects that I might not remember if I did have skin sensitivity. Did you get the message across to the doctors that you no longer wanted to be on vyvanse anymore? And glad to hear that you are getting yourself back!
  8. 15 Months (457 Days) Clean

    I’m in early recovery, day 9 today, and your post brings me hope and reassurance that life can be and is better off this terrible drug. Congratulations on the 15 months and thank you for hopping on and checking in on here, you helped me just now and probably many others. Thanks!!!
  9. 6 months

    @Speeder906 that was an awesome post to read! Very encouraging for those in the early stages of recovery. Hope everything has continued going strong for you and in that case you would be past the 1 year mark. Hope all is well!
  10. Sitting in the waiting room

    Congrats on the month clean! I was slightly confused by part of your post when you said “score more speed”, are you getting back on your script or was that a typo?
  11. @BK99I'm not sure what it is about that point in recovery but I've been on this forum for over 4.5 years to see the 9 month mark come up multiple times as a milestone where people seem to experience more problems then they had in the months prior...my friend never once visited this website and he specifically told me things were rough the first month but felt way better after 3 months, and at 9 months it was bad again but he kept on, after year 1 things vastly improved for him. As I said he never once visited this site so I think he was a little concerned to feel so poorly at 9 months, although after he talked about it I did tell him that other people experienced the same thing here which gave him some relief at the time... As far as my jealousy lol, I've never been as far as you in recovery but I've made the 3-4 weeks a few times and threw it all away, but since I am so early in recovery I just wanted to remind you that if you take one again you'll be back to single digits and feel even worse than you do now (cause I'm still in single digits and it sucks here). Abstinence from the drug is the only thing that will make you better is what everyone that is now happy after abusing this drug has told me, so they've been there and done that so I'm actually gonna listen to them for once. Also, go back and read your original post and remember why you quit in the first place, remember that concerning EKG test and how you've only got one heart... I really hope what I'm say is helping and doesn't seem to scatter brained, I'm trying to contribute more on this forum cause in the past when I would stop coming here I would relapse. My friend thats almost 4 years clean was recently diagnosed with a disease and he's been going out of his way to support me on this quit, in the past he would give me encouraging words and support but with his new diagnosis changing his life he's been above and beyond (as well as my wife taking care of our child and emotionally supporting me as well) on trying to help me realize that life can change so suddenly and not to waste it. SO I'm doing everything now to make my adderall addiction a thing of the past and hopefully I can help others along the way....
  12. Day 14.

    @idkanymore congrats on 2 weeks clean! I'm currently day 7 so you got 8 days on me and I look forward to seeing your positive post! I've gone 3-4 weeks clean multiple times in the past and its amazing how powerful this drug can be on our brains cause I would feel so positive and then slip up and have to go down a crappy path again. Just realize that "IT WONT BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME!" if you ever think of taking one. That would be my problem, I would feel so physically better after a few weeks that I only remembered the honeymoon phase of when I first took the drug and then would go back to it and instantly be back to hating my life....similar to some of my former toxic relationships with exes. You break up with people for a reason but after a few weeks you only seem to remember the good times or good things and go back. Thats been my problem with this drug..its crazy.
  13. @BK99 Congrats on day 257?!!! I'm only day 7 and very jealous of you! lol. I've read here on the forum that the 9 month mark is very difficult for some reason and my friend remembered it specifically cause he thought he would be better by than but then hit a very bad rough patch...However once he got past it things seemed to become easier from there on out and he hits 4 years next month and he actually stopped thinking about meds after the 9 month patch...I remember him saying "I don't even remember what it actually felt like taking them.." during his year 1. He obviously remembered what it did to him but he said he didn't crave it anymore. However he did continue to have dreams about it until he got thru year 2.
  14. @mcmc Hope your recovery is still going well, I'm currently on day 7 and hanging in there even tho its Monday and these customers never seem to run out of issues lol. So hope things are going well!!! Let us know! :-)
  15. @BK99 Proud to hear that your sticking with your recovery and thats a big boost to my recovery!!! Sorry to hear about your friend cutting you out. I've been down that same road with my best friend and it went on for over a year and it was extremely horrible. Thankfully, we slowly made amends over time and we're almost back to where we were before...hell maybe even better actually in a weird way. Also, glad to hear that you've lost some weight and that your anhedonia isn't too bad when it comes to something you enjoy doing. I'm actually at the end of my day 3 right now and trucking along...I'm doing things way different this time and feeling confident. I've got alot more people in my corner supporting me this time around. Well I'm gonna turn in for the night, I've been handling these first few days well and staying busy as possible at work and FORCING myself to do simple things that I always "needed" adderall for in the past....to be honest my biggest struggle comes after 2 weeks when I begin to physically feel better which in turn makes me happy and that leads me to be like "oh I was just fine on adderall, it won't hurt if I just take 1 or 2" and then I do and it leads me back down the same road to misery and hell. Just don't give up the time you've earned towards recovery, I'd love to trade you recovery time at this moment. lol.