eric

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About eric

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  1. Day 4

    Almost done with the workday, just rounding out day 5. I feel super anxious in the mornings too... especially in my job where things can be just fine one second and then all of the sudden all hell is breaking loose (IT job). I wish I delivered mail or something where its kind of the same routine everyday (a close family member is a mailman so I know all about the negatives too) lol. Oh well, for the current time I try to take it one hour at a time during the work day, and in the evenings I normally try to watch at least one Intervention episode and cruise around on this site after dinner and getting my son to bed. GOOD LUCK! Keep Posting!!!
  2. Day 4

    @DelaneyJuliette I just want to let you know you’re not alone. I went on a full 8 day bender but finishing up my 4th day clean with you. What’s crazy is the past 2 days at work have been insane but I pulled thru. I also have another very close friend that is on day 9 today so that’s awesome as well. Hope your day was good!
  3. @DrewK15 Thanks for the response and encouraging words. It did feel tough getting back on here and talking about my mistake but I'm glad I did because it helped me to revisit what went wrong. I'm so glad I didn't break yesterday when I had that refill in my hand as well. It's insane how intense the internal struggle can be within your mind. So at this moment I truly feel back on track as much as I can and a little bit more aware about avoiding future substances. Thanks again!
  4. Well that was one crazy ride and I feel like I'm waking up from a coma. I barely remember Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I was super active on here for the first 60+ days of my recovery back in August and September but then I stopped coming here and within a few weeks I relapsed on day 90 (Late October), and went full throttle into my addiction in mid November. I wanted to post about what lead me back to the dark side to warn others and to get it off my chest. I'd like to get back to being a positive light again. Quick backstory for new people reading this, I'm a married male in my early 30's with a young son and IT job, I first took adderall in 2012 and took it once every 1-2 months for about 2 years. Then in 2014 I got a script for vyvanse and IR and after 8 months I realized I had an addiction and since 2015 I've battled with quitting. It's been a long road of abusing it and weird health issues here and there. I also struggled with a Tramadol addiction off and on since 2017. On July 30, 2019 I said enough was enough and thought my addiction was part of my past but it turns out it wasn't. So I was doing great and had no thought of going back onto adderall up until I had an eye injury a little after 70 days clean. FYI my eye is fine and vision is back to normal but due to pain levels and OTC meds not helping at that time (pain lasted 4 days) I decided to take one of my family members Tramadol they weren't needing to see if it would help. Unfortunately it didn't help but I continued to take the tramadol anyways because of the way it made me feel. At first I didn't think anything of it because there were only 30-40 of them and my addictive brain told me that I might as well continue to take them all since there's a finite amount and I won't be able to get anymore, so enjoy it. However, over the course of 2 weeks my brain got right back to thinking intensely about adderall and the effects it had on altering my mind. I was unfortunately offered a 20mg IR and took it from them but didn't take it right then. I hung onto it and battled with my mind until I took just a little 5mg piece and mixed into a drink the next day (Day 90). When it hit 30 minutes later all I wanted was more so I took the rest of the pill and unfortunately I didn't have regret or anger, it worked like it did back when I first took it. I hated that it worked so well because I knew it was tricking me and all I could think about was getting more. I then ran out of Tramadol like the next day but then the Adderall was all I wanted. A week later I was at a new doctors office getting a script and bam, I was off to the races again. Within 2 days of taking it though all the negatives were back. The way I felt when I had taken it the week before was gone, but I couldn't stop. From mid November thru December I basically took it everyday, normally around 60-100 mg a day. I was also buying them from people I knew had some and burned through a chunk of my Christmas bonus to keep it going. I had such better plans for that money.... Whats good is I decided I needed to stop before this continued to escalate. So New Years Day was day one and I must say I still had no intentions of quitting, I had a refill come up yesterday and I planned on taking it but once I picked them up I called my friend who is 4+ years clean and he helped to remind me why I quit in the first place and took my mind back to how great i was feeling before the relapse...I wasn't perfect by any means but that sense of despair and overall death was gone during that clean time. So I got rid of the medicine and had this overwhelming sense of joy about being back on track. I went and completed my extensive service repair I had scheduled that afternoon meds free and it was such a morale boost. Today I'm here posting about it to yall so I can get back on track and put this all behind me again. Long Story short, if you know your an addict you need to abstain from alcohol or substances that you know alter your mind because they always said you will find your drug of choice at the bottom of the bottle, glass or plastic. I didn't want to believe that me taking Tramadol would lead me back to adderall but it did. Lesson learned. Day 7 - Back in the fight
  5. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy sorry to hear about the relapse. Take this time to think about your train of thought right before it happened and how to stop it in the future. Just remember where you end up after a day or two... which is this site and most likely experiencing regret. Last week I had intense cravings and learned enough from my relapses in the past to put a mental stop measure in place to prevent the cravings from turning into a relapse. Just play out how things will go after you pop that first one and remember the pain your going thru now. I’ve been busy the last few weeks experiencing life as a sober person and not constantly thinking about pills and it’s freaking amazing. I still experience guilt and regret about not quitting sooner and still have some sluggish days but overall it’s like I’ve been reborn and it seriously is amazing. You CAN get past this addiction!!! -End of day 69 :-)
  6. Just when things were going well

    You can PASS this test... I'm on day 65 today and I've been happy with life lately as well...then yesterday a thought from my addict side popped up in my head that maybe adderall isn't as bad as I've made it out to be. It was a very intense craving that temporarily scrambled my thought process. Whats crazy is since quitting I've actually been around people that are on adderall and was able to decline one that was offered to me at birthday party a few weeks ago, not to brag but with the mindset I've been in it was relatively easy to say no. Yesterday when the craving hit it was so intense that I actually looked into my coworkers bottle and saw them in there and thought of how awesome I could feel if I just took one but then I quickly thought to myself the reason why I quit in the first place. I thought " I can't take just one and be happy, one leads to two and so on..", this is just one of those cravings that everyone on the forum said would happen and no one is stopping me from taking one except me. I've thrown away sobriety more times than I can count in the past and the regret is way greater than that fleeting moment of "awesomeness" I may or may not even experience. So I put the bottle back in their drawer and walked away. The feeling I got from winning that battle with my addict side actually pulled me out of my lull I was experiencing all morning. I called my friend that now has over 4 years of clean time and he said those intense cravings happened quite often in the first 6 months. When he quit he was still with his now ex-gf for 9 months that took adderall. He told me he would go through the exact same thing I did, have the cravings, look at her bottle, then talk about all the negatives, and feel great after walking away from them. Even after 4 years his brother will offer them to him at family parties but he doesn't think for a second about taking them and declines. I know this because I would be there taking them with his brother lol. SOOOOO......these cravings are just something that we have to go through and deal with. The main thing is not giving in to the cravings and undoing all the clean time we've worked hard to get. I've seen it personally and read it plenty on here that in time things will get much much better! Good Luck!!!
  7. You were right.

    @GirlScottie Congrats on cutting off the supply. You can and will get your life back if you want it bad enough. I'm still in shock that I'm clean and have only craved the drug on a few occasions since I took that final pill on the evening of July 29. I quit multiple times in the past with a crazy amount of enthusiasm but would fall off the wagon within a few weeks. This time I got honest with myself and decided enough was enough and had to internalize how horrible I was feeling and it will ALWAYS be like that if I ever took one again. The first few weeks I tried to do the bare minimum at work and home. I'd get home in the evenings and force myself to do chores and read my sons books but also laid in bed and watched a lot of Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube. I watched A LOT of Intervention on Hulu, I could never watch that show in the past cause it made me feel like shit but I honestly think it was a major help in recovering. I was always rooting for the person at the end of the episode and it made me see how those people could get better so I can do it too. On YouTube theres a guy called CGKid and he has a lot of videos talking about drug use and interviewed people that are in recovery. Some of the people he interviewed were recovering from Adderall, and I also feel like the people recovering from meth had stories that could hit close to home for some of us that binged on adderall. When laying around I wouldn't be negative about the crappy way I was feeling, I would almost embrace it and simply tell myself, "well your just recovering from the damage you've done to your body for the last 5 years, this is just a step to getting my back life that everyone that hasn't gotten clean has to go through. Now its my turn". Basically you have to make the first 6 weeks all about recovery, maybe watch some Intervention, find stories on YouTube, visit and participate on this site often. Just focus on getting yourself better during that time! You will more than likely gain weight, feel lethargic, have memory loss, and feel nothing at times while other times you may feel complete rage, anger, regret, but you will also feel real happiness and an appreciation for life. But YOU have to be ready to do it for yourself and be honest that just taking one pill isn't in the cards anymore. My life has improved so much since quitting, I'm actually feeling some decent energy and my memory loss is no where near what it was a month ago. I've still got a long ways to go in recovery but quitting is nowhere near as scary as the thought of continuing to take that damn drug is. You CAN do this!!! -Currently Day 58 and happy to look forward while not forgetting the past...
  8. 11 Days Clean

    @Collin Welcome to the forum, given enough time you will feel those human connections again and get back your funny goofy behavior(my wife says I'm almost to goofy lol). You made a good choice to quit and you'll have to pay a small price to get it back but it will be worth it. Just remember why you quit it in the first place, and you said it yourself that the honeymoon phase is over and the positive effects are gone. Just hang in there and post about anything you got going on....it helps me alot to check in and post. Good Luck! -Currently day 51
  9. Day 6 and depressed

    @NurseAddy CONGRATS ON 1 WEEK DOWN TODAY!!! Hope your having a good day. For a stressful Monday, I'm performing better than I have in years (even when I was on meds). So again just hang in there and realize that stimulants may help a lot in the short term but they screw you over from real happiness in the long run. Good luck and congrats!! - Currently Day 49 :-)
  10. Day 6 and depressed

    @NurseAddy I weirdly remember Day 6 because I felt the same way that day. My day 6 fell on a Sunday too and I felt super depressed and anxious....honestly I felt like complete crap. You're in the thick of it right now, just hang in there. The last 2 weeks for me have been going quite well but the first 30 days were solely about doing nothing except getting thru work and putting time between myself and my last adderall. I know that wasn't much advice but just a reminder that things will get better... -Day 48 and optimistic about life again
  11. How did 5 yrs fly by?

    @Aurora29 Shit happens and so do relapses. Just do what you gotta do to get this part of your life behind you so you can move forward to bigger and better things. I've been pretty busy this week and thankfully feeling good overall. I cut out sugars and reduced my food intake and it's been an awesome change. I feel really great at the moment. Just hold onto how your feeling right now going forward to help prevent you relapsing in the future. We're always here for you. -End of Day 46 and finally feeling real happiness.
  12. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy I'm still in early recovery so I'm glad DrewK15 provided some input. Lately I try to be less hard on myself when I'm not being super productive or when I have a lot of regret for the years I wasted doing meaningless tasks instead of being a father and husband. I'm thankfully holding onto all the negative things that adderall did to me and I currently have had very little to no desire to take one again. I relapsed so many times that things are never different/better when I take a pill and I'm finally realizing that and internalizing it. I still got a long journey ahead but so far my life has already changed so much compared to 6 weeks ago and I have had no regrets about quitting. - Currently day 42 and plowing thru this Monday!
  13. Feeling Grateful - One Year

    @PP37 Thank you for the post. Its reassuring to hear the positive things that can happen if you stay off the stimulants. It's also refreshing to hear this from a person supporting a stimulant addict, since you more than likely had a clearer head during the past year than him lol. My wife has been a rock lately and this would be so tough without her support. So good job to you and him as well!! Good luck!
  14. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy Welcome to the forum, officially. Your story is unfortunately all to familiar to a majority of the members here including me. Lurking around the site when running out of meds and/or when your coming down off the high and hating your life. The "yo-yo" effect of getting your script, burning thru it in a week or two, and saying that you're never gonna go back but do anyways. Realizing that you have become addicted to this little pill even tho you can't believe it has happened and scared that you will never be able to quit and that life will be potentially horrible for the rest of your life. I have personally experienced these things and read hundreds of posts like yours where people are in complete despair and scared of life off this drug and its crazy. On the bright side, many of those people that have posted similar stories have gone on to quit and say its the best decision that they've ever made in their life and I fully believe them. I also have a friend that abused for years and is approaching 4 years clean this upcoming week and he's been able to enjoy life to the fullest and used to regret all the time he wasted being burned out (his first 6 months were rough but after a year he rarely even thought of the meds). Just know that life will suck for a while in early recovery but its so worth the reward of being a normal human in the long run. I'm thankful for this site and the stories that reassure me that what I'm doing and going thru will be worth it. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've quit many times in the past and flushed my pills on so many occasions but still went back to them. Now, I've developed an overwhelming hatred for the drug and a final realization that I'm not getting anywhere by being on them and they solve nothing by taking them. Also, venting and contributing constantly to this site has been crucial for me as well, I'm normally a quiet person but posting has given me accountability and honestly just makes me feel better. Just know that you CAN quit and you WILL be okay and happier in the long run, it won't be overnight but eventually...it sounds like things are going very good for you in other aspects of your life and thats something to be especially thankful for while recovering. A good support system is crucial as well and it sounds like you have that in your significant other. Just know that there are people here just like you and the support can be amazing. Good luck and keep checking in!!! -Finishing Day 41 and excited about life again
  15. Sitting in the waiting room

    (Disclaimer: I rambled a little bit and may have vented about my regrets..) @HairsprayQueen Just checking in to see how things are going. I cant believe its been a month since you made this post. It feels like an eternity to me...just wanted to let you know that we're all still here to offer support when you need it. Lately my memory has been a little crappy and I can barely remember yesterday but today I passed by a beauty shop where I know one of the stylist uses stimulants and somehow your username popped into my scattered brain along with this post. It made me think about that morning when you posted about being at the doctors office and caving in. I was only day 7 and I wanted reach out to you to somehow make you rethink your decision but I knew that there was nothing in my power to help you at that time and I honestly didn't even know what to say at the moment, I happened to be on the site when you posted it :-(. Instead of saying something right then I waited a few hours to just say something simple and I'm sorry about that, even though your mind seemed pretty set on getting back on them. When I look back at your previous posts over the years it kind of reminds me of my previous ones...and I always wanted to go back in time to my first post about quitting cause I would be so far in recovery by now if I stuck with it back 2016...and then I would post months later about the hell I was still in and yada yada....however from every relapse I did learn something and thats key to going forward. In the end tho, we all have to stop one day and my time has finally come and I'm thankful I didn't get to the 6 year mark of usage (5.5years roughly). I wish I would've been able to stop back at the 2 year mark because this process would've been so much easier and the damage I did to my life overall could've been reduced, but I am happy I've finally reached my quitting point now than later. I guess I just wanted to remind you that its better to quit at 7 years instead of 8 because eventually you will have to. I'm glad you were able to learn quite a bit about yourself during that clean month and I hope you are establishing productive habits so your next quit is the last one. Best of luck and I genuinely hope the best for all those that come here. I personally am getting thru because of this site and the members. Today marks 38 days of being free...