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eric

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Everything posted by eric

  1. 100 days clean!!! Feeling excited about the clean time but also in a lull. Might have an extremely busy day tomorrow or might not. It's all up to what the weather decides to do. Just wanted to post that I've hit the 100 day mark and I guess its time to start calculating clean time in months instead of days lol. Best of luck everyone!!!
  2. @ALA Congratulations! Keep up the fight. We got this!!
  3. @Trevor95 I feel for you, its crazy how we see everyone around us living their lives and moving forward while we feel stuck in limbo. I dwell on the past so much and regret so much but unfortunately it is what it is and the only option is to move forward making better decisions. Taking more pills would definitely not be a better decision. Also, I feel like most of us on here wish we could reset and go back in time. The movie "Edge of Tomorrow" is a favorite of mine (he resets the day constantly) and I happened to watch it the other day and decided to look up when it was released and it came out May 30, 2014 in theaters. I actually remember that specific day so well its insane, like every single one of my service calls and how hot it was. I also took too much adderall that day and had a weird cough that a customer even asked if I was "okay". It was the very first time I had a negative side effect which is why I remember it so well and just wanna go back to that day so badly and quit. I was only on it for like a month at that point. FYI I didn't go see that movie in theaters, its just a movie i watched years later and it happened to be released on a date that is burned into my memory so well...crazy stuff. lol and the basis of the movie is eerie for that date.. Idk im rambling now. sorry! BEST OF LUCK! KEEP VENTING IF YOU NEED TO!
  4. @Trevor95 Welcome to forum! You've come to the right place to vent and interact with others that are going thru the exact same thing as you are. I can relate to that inability to connect to other people while taking it for sure. ALSO, I've hid my use from so many people around me and if I acted weird or came off short I would just blame it on being extremely stressed from work or some bs like that. I mean I would feel and look like a freakin zombie with red tipped ears and a red throat/neck (I guess high blood pressure caused that?). Feeling way better nowadays at day 93, by no means perfect but I realize that this is way better than taking something to feel slightly better or more focused. And I feel like the healthcare system is so overwhelmed with the addiction crisis and the millions of Americans that suffer cardiovascular diseases (I've been technically "obese" for the last 4 years) that you can't fully rely on doctors or hospitals to do the best job like they would've say 20+ years ago. Just too many of us now overwhelming the system. I'm in no way saying that the doctors or nurses are sub par, to me they really do ALOT and put up with so much BS...just more and more people every year. Just know that you're welcome here and I hope that these stories and posts help you in discovering your new self!
  5. @SleepyStupid Thanks for the congratulations! I thought I was having a bad day yesterday but then realized my allergies were acting up. lol. But yes, I can't wait to get further along to where its "just another day". @GRFThank you!! I'm excited too and already feel more emotions than I have in years!! @ALA THanks! Congrats to you and we definitely can do this! Again, thanks to everyone and all members of this site that have contributed. I've read so much information over the years and the collective advice from multiple users on this site has helped me stay clean (Urge Surfing Technique has helped me tremendously). But not only the advice on how to deal with urges but the positive messages from people further in recovery that things will get better if you just give it time. -Start of my DAY 93
  6. Welcome to the site! Hope to hear your story soon or later... whatever you need to do to get better! Best of Luck!!! -Start of Day 93
  7. Today is 3 months clean from Adderall and Tramadol!!! I'm officially the furthest I've ever been in my fight from both substances. As of this morning I've started my healthier eating and didn't have my usual Dr Pepper first thing in the morning. Only water and unsweet tea until I hit my goal weight and no sweets or foods with excessive sugar for the rest of the week. Then next week I'm gonna fast for 1.5 days and begin Keto again. A very very brief backstory. I struggled with Adderall and Vyvanse for 8.5 years, and tramadol for 5 years. Very high doses of stimulants off and on mixed with tramadol at times. Obviously all the horrible bad stuff that comes with both addictions, more so for me from the adderall. I stopped back in October for a couple of months then relapsed onto Tramadol for 5 weeks which led me to go on a brief adderall binge for a weekend. That all led to January 11, 2023 being Day 1 from both substances. I still occasionally consume alcohol at birthday parties or events but its nothing like it used to be, I can take a 6 pack and be totally fine compared to when I was on adderall I'd buy two 18 packs to make sure I didn't run out. At a crawfish boil the other weekend I was offered an adderall by a friend and I kindly declined and let him know that I'm done with it and there no was no conflict. So I feel like I've learned alot of lessons from my past relapse experiences and can see where things go and KNOW how I will feel if I take more of it. Overall, recovery hasn't been the easiest thing but its totally been worth it. I'm noticing what people were talking about on here about good days being peppered in there and hints of the better days to come. It's crazy to know that my life fully revolved around pills and when I would or wouldn't have them. Now I'm starting to look forward and think longer term and its amazing. Best of luck everyone!!! So far day 91 has been going great!
  8. @CAITLIN3 It won't get easier for you later on down the road if you keep taking stuff...that's for certain. My wife is over 9 months clean after taking it along with me for 8.5+ years (really high 120+mg dosages daily for those last 2 years), along with us consuming an 18 pack of beers every single night we took stimulants just to come down. CRAZY shit to me now but "normal" and necessary it seemed at the time. In the last 9 months we haven't had any CRAZY arguments or fights, she started a new job after 90 days and has been doing amazing at it and its incredibly demanding. She said she wouldn't of been able to do the job if she was on meds. She's always been a good mother to our almost 10 year old son but she definitely has a way deeper connection with him, is more patient, and isn't overly focused on household tasks like she was before. I mean its been a 180 for the better. I will say for the first 60 days things were rough around the house and not getting done like before but now most things are getting back to better...she still HATES LAUNDRY but not many people love it...unless theyre on adderall. lol. I understand that you have toddlers tho and they are much more demanding, but my wife (along with me) regrets all the time she wasted trying to be a supermom when she should've just been there during those and able to laugh more and focus on the bigger picture. Thankfully if your husband is supportive and help a little more for a few weeks then things will definitely get better...better to do it sooner than later. Just my opinion. GOOD LUCK! You CAN do this!
  9. Day 79 today. So healthy diet routines definitely make for a smoother recovery. For example, Monday I ate good, drank water and unsweet tea and had probably one of the most amazing days I've had in the last 6 months. HOWEVER, the last 2 days I had sodas and junk food and my mood has been horrible. I'm still getting stuff done but geeze...also its been really dark and dreary so that probably doesn't help either. Just kind of in a lull I guess you could say. I still have no desire to take a pill AT ALL so thats terrific in my books. Soooo I'm planning out healthy meals and talked to the wifey about what we need to do. Progress is being made in the right direction. Although I feel like crap today, its no where near as bad as my days on adderall could be. lol That's a little motivation for anybody who reads this post that's in active addiction and is discouraged saying to themselves "see! why quit if I'm still gonna feel like crap".. Believe me, a clean "bad" day is better than most of my "good" days were on adderall.
  10. @quit-once I remember the first time I realized that taking adderall wasn't sustainable, and that was like January 5th, 2015 (8 months after full time usage). So yeah I've struggled for quite awhile but I must say that my job (which I'm good at but hate) and financial responsibilities "reinforced" my want and need to keep taking the junk. My job though has gotten way less demanding and now that I'm knowledgeable it comes a lot easier. I do plan on transitioning to another career but want to get a solid year of clean time under my belt to assess things. Yes, tramadol is my trigger. I always preferred adderall over tramadol anyday of the week but honestly I think I take the tramadol because I know I will just say "screw it, I already messed up taking this so might as well take A". It's a vicious cycle of QUIT adderall, have clean time and feel better, talk myself into just taking tramadol for a small high, then talk myself into taking adderall, quit the tramadol within a day of that, then go hard on A for 2 weeks and then back to quitting. Its been like that since 2017. HOWEVER, my quit feels very different and real this time, I always remind myself of the inevitable cycle and to ride the wave. @ALA Congrats on 67 days! YES! I love cooking now!. I do alot of walking and I've started exploring bike trails around my area and its been a new passion it seems...atleast until its 110+ degrees outside lol. Thanks to yall for replying!!! Best of luck! Day 76 almost in the books.
  11. Hey guys, realized the last time I posted was late November...I went 70 days and then decided it would be a good idea to take tramadol because I "hurt" my knee....Realistically an OTC pain reliever would and does the trick but my brain knew what it wanted. It wanted that altered state feeling. I took it and what was supposed to be a "just today" thing turned into a month going thru that roller coaster thru the holidays and it was horrible. Obviously it was great for the first few days and then lots of anger and negative emotions that last week until that pathway in my brain was opened that said "f*** it, you already took this junk, why not take some adderall?"..... I then got my hands on 10x-30mg IR's and took those over 3 days and ended up trashing the last one. Of course the 3 day addy binge was great for the first 2 hours and then it went sideways and the regret and shame crept in, along with crippling anxiety and a ridiculously high heart rate. THANKFULLY TODAY MARKS 75 DAYS since that little binge over the holidays. I've been addicted to these damn things for almost 9 years and I'm over it. My biggest problem is I've always had the commitment to quit the adderall and then I would be having a good day and decide to take tramadol which inevitably led me to taking adderall. So I've learned to stay away from both and not come up with excuses for tramadol. I learned that "RIDE THE WAVE" thing and I have to tell myself that the urge to take something will subside as long as I hold out, and it always does subside and I feel even stronger from it. 75 days is the longest I've gone off of adderall and tramadol at the same time and I feel myself returning again. I have good days and bad days but a good diet is essential for getting thru, for me atleast. BEST OF LUCK!
  12. eric

    90 days

    Welcome to the site! Great to see that you're at 90+ days, keep it up! I'm only day 59 but I've had 8.5 years of taking this junk and more relapses than I can count. Most veterans of the site and I would recommend getting rid of your meds completely so you don't have that temptation to take them. It can make the struggle way worse when in the back of your mind you know you have them. It can also be freeing to rid yourself of them and look at moving forward. I know from my own experience....I realized that I wanted to quit meds in January 2015 after only being on them for less than a year and here it is November 2022....I've missed so many important events in my life being completely blown out of my mind working on the most meaningless things. Just want the best for anyone that comes to this site looking for support. Keep us up to date! Best of luck!!
  13. Thank you so much! I’m happy for you trucking along as well!!! I remember you posting on the forums with your other profile years ago. Lol. So I’ve been on the site awhile, wishing I would’ve listened to everyone 7 years ago and quit then. No point in looking back I guess and regret things, I only need to move forward. Getting the weight off that I’ve gained over the years has helped me physically and mentally (newer clarity)…If you have the willpower to quit this drug then going on a diet shouldn’t be nearly as hard once you get going with it and see progress. It takes willpower to get it going but it seems way easier because you can actually see the progress on the scale. Getting off adderall is so much more difficult because you don’t have such a obvious measurement to see your progress lol. Good luck! Thanks for responding! The forums a lot less active than it was a few years ago lol
  14. Just checking in with everyone. I'm day 50 off adderall, alcohol, and other bad stuff. I also started working on the weight I've gained from years of trying to quit. The weight has added up after years of me saying "I'm done" and binge eating like a mad man just to turn around, relapse, only lose so much during the short active use phase before "quitting" and binging again. Most people wouldn't believe me if I told them I was a stimulant abuser.."your too fat to be a drug addict!" is what I'd hear and heard from some close friends. lol I got up to 230 (I'm 5'10") but I started a keto diet to get back down to my pre adderall weight of 175. I started my keto journey a little over 5 weeks ago and I'm currently down to 204. The crazy part is how good I feel from doing it and essentially cutting out bad stuff for me. My overall mood has been great. I'm really surprised...I've listened to a lot of podcast and youtube videos about positive mental thinking and it's really helped me. I must say that not every day is amazing but a bad day clean is better than my best day using. (that ol line. lol) To everyone struggling right now in their active addiction I hope you can find the willpower to pull yourself out of it. I took alot of meds in the last 8.5 years and made a lot of horrible decisions and missed many important events with my family and I struggle the most with regret. I do a lot of self loathing at times but I'm working on that through taking negative thinking and simply trying to find the silver lining or realizing how lucky I am to not be who I was just 51 days ago. For people in early recovery, just stick with it. Things will never get better going back to the devil pill....there is a price to pay for taking this horrible drug. My memory is still shot at times but I feel you gotta take action to get yourself better...obviously everyone is different physically, environmentally, and financially. But moving your body, forcing yourself to work on a task you've been dreading, walking down the street for a set amount of time, cutting out excessive sugars, and anything working on anything else you feel uncomfortable with will start to rewire your brain and make monumental task seem not as horrible. It's your life! Take charge of it! GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!
  15. Congrats! Yeah exercise is amazing along with good foods. Good job! Starting day 23 strong! Good luck!
  16. Hey there! I related alot to the phone calls and being somewhat annoyed/irritated when the call was unproductive or going on too long. Now I'll talk on the phone with my wife or a loved one for however long while actually responding like a connected human and not like a weirdo. As far as forgetfulness, APPLE AIR TAGS!!! I utilize apple air tags for my keys and I put one in my wallet. You can set it to notify you if you leave a certain geolocation and its still left behind. I utilize it all the time since I'm going between my work truck and normal truck here at the house and have a bad habit of leaving my wallet or keys all over the place it seems. They don't have their own GPS but connect to all other iPhones(not just yours) to give a location if left somewhere behind other than house. Not sure what type of vehicle you drive but Chevrolet has an app that allows the truck to be unlocked or remote started and what not. Would still need the key to get rolling down the road but still it's handy at times. Best of luck!
  17. Thank you! Yeah she's supported me plenty as well, I'm glad we've both stood by each other. During my craziness and later on her insanely short temper. I personally haven't messed with nootropics. I know some people on here have though.
  18. @momoffadderall Welcome to the site. I'm not a "mama" but I'm a dad and husband to a mama that was on adderall and vyvanse for years. Little over 8 years. I'm currently day 12 with numerous quits in the past that didn't work out for some dumb excuse I would come up with. Thankfully she has around 4 months off everything and in that time I've seen the most amazing transformation in her (positive change). Her mood and outlook on life and the way she laughs is just so amazing... It's almost like she's glowing again. We've been together since 2008 so we know what each other was like pre-stimulants and knew what was there. She recently got a new job where she is busy the moment she clocks in till she clocks out, on the phone and dealing with customers in person. She knows meds would've made this job way tougher and has no desire to go back on them. I'm so thankful for that. She said if she got this job 5 months ago (while still taking stuff) there would've been no way to quit adderall and still perform at work... needless to say, employment wise quitting was the best thing for her. We do have a child that is almost 10 and there were so many times we would lay in bed on the weekends recovering from a long week or a Sunday recovering from a long Friday and Saturday night of partying. So many regrets and time wasted but we're looking forward now and not looking back. She's definitely more connected and our son can sense that too. Together we get all the chores done around the house and his homework is done and not overly thought out. She still hates laundry tho...like really hates it but she forces herself to work on it and then bam its done and she's chilling again. lol. We were on high doses for years and it took her about 4-6 weeks to feel like she's doing good again....the first month was sluggish and rough for sure but only time can heal the damage this drug does. Given your brief history of taking it and dose, along with this being your first time quitting it, I'd say around day 21 you're gonna feel a change and not so worn down. That's from my experience and reading stories on here for years. But everyone's different obviously...just trying to show support and give you some light at the end of that tunnel your in at this moment. Best advice would be to continue on your journey of quitting. Taking it longer only prolongs the recovery from it and more damage (physically and mentally) that it causes you and everyone around you. Eventually you will have to quit if you cherish your life and it sounds like you do!!! Theres no time like the present!! Best of luck!!! Keep us posted!!
  19. @DelaneyJuliette Hope your doing good after the weekend! Just checking on ya! My wife had work today so I've been at home with my little one and forced myself to start sweeping and doing all the dishes I was supposed to do this morning. lol. Feels good to do mundane tasks without needing to be medicated. Getting through my Day 9! Double digits tomorrow!
  20. Thats awesome Delaney!!! Keep it up...I'm currently Day 6 with a renewed outlook on life and addiction! The past few weeks have been different and the past 6 days even more. IDK how to explain it. I'm just so glad to see you at day 21!!!
  21. Welcome to the site! Sorry to hear your struggle while also being a teacher where you have to communicate with others on a much more common basis than other professions. I've been here for years and the struggle is real. I've was prescribed for over 8+ years and was in the same boat as you for the first few years. Then in the last 2+ years my addiction really ramped up when I was able to get my hands on more A doing around 150mg a day for 3.5-4 weeks straight a month (instead of just 1.5-2 weeks a month). Also I would drink a MINIMUM of 12 beers a night, alot of times the whole 18 pack just to come down, and no joke I would drink that much if I popped adderall that day. So I was taking 150 to 180 mg/day, drinking 12-18 beers a night, and sleeping only 2-5 hours a night. It was a horrible way to live. Thankfully I could avoid talking to too many people in my field of work, IT, but it doesn't matter now that I'm not taking stuff. lol. I'm able to communicate way better and be more socially available to my wife and 9yr old son and others. I regret being a zombie for so long around my family, friends, and clients/strangers. I must say that for a lot of people communication improves greatly after you've gotten even a few days/weeks of clean time. When I was using, making a phone call or going into a store to talk to someone was like a complete nightmare. It was probably a nightmare because my heart rate on apple watch was always like 120-150 bpm and when I checked my blood pressure it was atleast 150/90. Crazy because I'm in my mid-30's and grew up calling people and answering work phones at 14, before texting and online stuff was so prevalent. I'm in no way saying that you shouldn't have a problem quitting either, I'm just telling you that things do not get better and may indeed get worse. I actually watched a video on Kratom to see what it exactly is. In my experience, I started taking Tramadol in 2017 when I would run out of adderall because it would personally give me energy but it would open those addiction pathways in my brain that lead me back to Adderall. So you may need to kick the Kratom to avoid the path back to Adderall. IMO I say you do need to stop Kratom to get to a better future. I'm currently day 22 and have relapsed so many times in the past, even after having months of clean time. I feel like for me it hasn't gotten easier physically but mentally I now have realized there is no positive future for me if I take anything. I fought some very strong Tramadol cravings on Sunday but I did it and almost cried at the end of the day because I was so proud of myself for being strong and learning from my previous mistakes. Because taking that T always leads me back to Adderall. Best of luck and stay in touch!!! Sorry if that was all over the place. I need to make my own post again.
  22. Hey there, just wanted to reply and let you know that you're not alone with that horrible feeling of knowing you've relapsed and then coming clean on here to the community. I've definitely been there too. I've been hooked for over 8 years now.... I'm currently Day 19 and the amount of relapses in the past is so frustrating. I've had a few major relapses where I got past 30 days and ruined it (Longest stretch for me was 90 days clean). It doesn't seem to get easier but in the end that doesn't matter...the only way is forward so you can't dwell on it. Either way, its gonna be what its gonna be and the best thing to do is just quit now and get the days down. I'm well aware how that's totally easier said than done but its the only course to go. Hopefully some veteran members will get on here and answer your question better lol. But at the end of the day all you can do is move forward...BEST OF LUCK!!!
  23. Day 6 today. No urges to take anything today...well maybe a few cravings but just quick shooting thoughts about it, just lethargic and ready for school to start so theres more normalcy in the household lol. Happy that I'm day 7 tomorrow and going to get some bloodwork done to see how my body is on that front. I've been neglecting my health over the years so it would be nice to get a baseline again on where I'm at. Best of luck everyone!!
  24. Day 5 today...back in the fight and doing good. Getting solid sleep, eating like a maniac, being a present parent and husband, and not feeling like a zombie. On Friday (Day 3) I successfully fought the addiction when it told me that taking tramadol wouldn't be a big deal since its not adderall. I've gone down this road so many times and I had to remind myself that one thing leads to another and before I know it I'd be getting my hands on adderall. So I talked myself out of it very quickly and it felt great realizing its just the way my brain has been wired over the last 8 years and I can overcome these urges by knowing what the outcome will be. Sooooo...I'll be checking in again with more updates..I probably need to start a new post instead of taking over this one lol
  25. Still struggling to get this demon off my back. It's so wild how my brain can forget about all the negatives within such a short amount of time being off this crap. I also remember how much better I can feel after being clean of this stuff within 40 days, along with a cleaner diet. However, the drug is able to take over critical thinking part of my brain and give in to the pleasure part. Just ridiculous... Day 1 tomorrow...
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