duffman

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About duffman

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  1. Just Got Dumped

    Truly a bittersweet moment for you. Right now, you need to take care of yourself instead of worrying about accepting the consequences of your past actions. I understand you're in a lot of pain right now and Adderall and/or alcohol may seem like very tempting options because they're reliably numbed you out in the past. But do not give in. This will probably be your most challenging trial yet.
  2. Share Your Post Quit Accomplishments

    I quit Adderall in the middle of physical therapy school and am now a Doctor of Physical Therapy. Worked a full day today (first day with a full case-load at my new job) and it went great despite having some very challenging patients. I'm pretty tired now but am still going to hit the gym in about a half hour or so. My new goal is to morph my body into something I'm proud of. I've always been semi-strong, but I've never been jacked (ripped, swole, whatever you want to call it) and I'm still carrying around some residual fat from quitting Adderall. To accomplish this, I've made a commitment with myself to hit the gym for 6 days a week with one of those days purely dedicated to cardio. If I may ask, what are you wanting to accomplish?
  3. I've been thinking about what separates people who succeed with quitting and staying off Adderall vs the people who tend to waver in their commitment to quitting the drug. We come from different backgrounds.. are different ages.. and have differing perspectives on life. And yet, none of these factors seem to correlate well to future success of quitting and stay off Adderall.. So what gives? What factor can explain this phenomenon? Can a single factor even be held responsible? I believe there is. I wish to contend that the most important factor for quitting Adderall is.. Ownership... ownership over what Duffman? Ownership over one's own situation and one's own commitment to quitting Adderall... .. really? That's the best he can come up with? You're probably thinking. Hear me out though. I've noticed after reading hundreds of posts on this forum that there are two types of people: People who designate themselves as the victim and search for who is at fault for their current situation (e.g. that damned Dr gave me another script!! How DARE they?) or people who accept responsibility for their situation and move forward to figuring out how to better than situation. Before I continue forward, let me clarify something. What's the difference between 'being at fault' for something vs 'being responsible' for something? I bolded the word responsibility above for a reason and it's important: It may or may not be your fault or anyone's fault that you're in your current situation with Adderall.. It's next to useless to figure out who is at fault.. However, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to figure out the best way forward at this point. So taking ownership of your situation also means taking responsibility for your recovery. How it happened doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is how to move forward given your unique circumstances. Posting on here with your concerns and your struggles has value, don't get me wrong.. I get it, trust me. But, at some point, you need to recognize that these problems are in fact your problems and YOU are the one who is responsible for them. This is where taking ownership comes into play. These are two examples: 1) Feel yourself gaining weight? Recognize this is common with quitting stimulants and begin eating a healthier diet and initiate a workout routine. It's not fair how this happens, but doing something about it is the only way forward. 2) Feel yourself sapped of motivation? This is also common. Start by doing something small and build from it. I realized after taking a short walk I would experience a small but noticeable surge in motivation to do what needed to be done. Quitting Adderall is the single best thing you can do for your current and future health. You know this. Quitting this drug has not only increased my quality of life, but saved my life. I was in free fall during the peak of my Adderall abuse and the landing wasn't looking pretty. The only direction to move is forward. Do this for yourself. Quit Adderall now. And to do this, you must take full ownership of your situation. So I want to end this with a series of questions: Is quitting Adderall a path you want to travel? Did anyone say it would be easy?... Do you have a choice? Thank you for reading.
  4. How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?

    I'm able to relate to quite a bit of your journey with Adderall (albeit not getting back on it after two years, whew!). I, too, lost one of my best friends while I was in the midst of my Adderall addiction. Just thinking about it still makes me pause and my heart to sink a bit. He was a childhood friend from about the age of 8-9 and we formed a group of friends and hung out periodically over the years (we called each other 'The Four Horseman', awesome I know). I really have fond memories of those times and regret throwing away what I had in exchange for my fix of stimulant medication. What really got me was looking on his Facebook one day and seeing his bachelor party (I didn't even know he was engaged) and there were the three others of 'The Four Horseman' there doing shots and having a great time.. without me. Looking back, it's quite obvious why I lost him as a friend. I literally just cringed thinking about some of the things I said on Facebook or through text messages we had when I was cracked out on Adderall. Thinking about that situation helps remind me what I value in life.. what truly makes life worth living and grants the path to happiness is being surrounded by people who I love to be around. It sounds sappy, and probably is, but it's true. Why am I telling you this? Well, what do you value? Do you value being a cracked-out employee who grinds away for days at a time? It sounds like one of the things you value is being skinny, do you need Adderall for that? Is it even worth it if you socially isolate yourself with Adderall? Being off Adderall, I'm able to connect with people again. When I took Adderall in class, I thought everyone revered my intellectual prowess and admired my lightning-quick wit. After quitting Adderall and speaking with a group of friends I made (after quitting), one of them said "You know, you're pretty cool. We used to think you were a socially awkward weirdo who was kinda a kiss ass in class". I appreciated his forthrightness. What is it you want out of life?
  5. Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?

    You know, I went down the same rabbit hole trying to figure out how to heal my thyroid and/or how to heal my adrenal glands. I bought tons of audiobooks, read tons of articles on various websites, and read countless anecdotes online about how to heal my thyroid and/or adrenal glands. Well, I took a blood test to see what my TSH looked like and it was within normal limits, so I gave up on the thyroid and focused on my adrenal glands. The best book I found, which has both the information and a guide for healing your adrenal glands, is called "The Adrenal Reset Diet: Strategically Cycle Carbs and Proteins to Lose Weight, Balance Hormones, and Move from Stressed to Thriving" by Alan Christianson. It seemed to help, but I also stopped taking stimulant medications entirely when I followed the protocol, so I can't say with 100% certainty that this was the reason why I started feeling better (eventually). Worth look into, good information. As @Greg said above, you need to stop the Adderall and let your begin the healing process. You're still taking something that is artificially jacking up various neurotransmitters and catecholamines, thus inhibiting your body's ability to begin healing and rebalancing itself.
  6. Tried Many Times to Quit

    So there are people who come to these forums with a sort of defensive stance on Adderall where they admit it's becoming a problem but aren't truly ready to give it up. They'll suggest trying to take a "controlled, moderate dose, you know, as prescribed" or "I'll just take it as needed", but as you have (rightfully) stated, that just doesn't work, at least for not any meaningful amount of time. I tried the "I'll just take it AS NEEDED approach!", but then I'll have an interview where I'll think "Okay, this is definitely a time where I'm going to take Adderall". Then the first day comes up, "Well, I need to make a good first impression! *Takes Adderall*". Second week comes up, "They're starting to give me more responsibilities, better take an Adderall so I can keep up with the pace", and right back down the path of 'taking mega doses and running out early' I go. You're ripe for the quittin', now you're just needing a plan of escape. Sounds like you have a mixed support system at home. They're probably willing to show you unconditional support for whatever you do, but may not be able to relate to what you're going through. That's where these forums come in. We get it. That's why I've been on here for almost two years. I went the cold turkey approach because I was still in school and I could sort of coast under the radar. I didn't have any real responsibilities besides exist in class, occasionally interact with people for an assignment, and answer a series of multiple choice questions for the exams. Working is a different story and you may want to ask some others about a tapering schedule where you gradually lower your dose over a series of weeks (sometimes months) till you eventually come off entirely. It'll be a softer landing and should allow you to keep working. Welcome aboard! This may be one of the toughest things you've ever had to do, but it's absolutely worth it. I've been off for 1 year and 8 months after using Adderall (and vyvanse.. and zenzedi.. and all variants of stimulants) for 1 year and abusing Adderall for 5 years. I was so far into addiction that I went into stimulant-induced psychosis. I'm doing great now. I still can't believe where I started and where I am now. I really.. REALLY.. thought I was a lost cause and I'd be on Adderall till my aorta would rupture from the extremely high blood pressure it gave me. You can do this!!
  7. You know, I can't find it now, but I once made a post on here about all the potential health problems I thought I accrued throughout my years of abuse. Thinking about it now makes me cringe because of how outlandish my worries were. I remember I thought I had some combination of Cushing's syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, adrenal fatigue, a vast array of heart conditions.. just a bunch of stuff and all the product of years of Adderall abuse. And I've seen this before from other users on this forum too. We tend to become obsessive about every little health-related thing and begin searching for anecdotes on the internet to support our theory that our health is in peril. In reality, it was my anxiety on overdrive. I went to multiple doctors to discuss my worries and they all gave me the same wide-eyed expression and would promptly begin talking to me about my mental health, sometimes offering an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. What I'm getting at is you're not alone with this anxiety about your health after Adderall abuse. And no, I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T go to a physician, I'm not qualified to judge that over the internet. But if they run tests and you come back normal and they don't seem alarmed, then I would trust their judgment. Tell your physician everything. They've heard it all and would relieved that you're being forthright with them so they can help you.
  8. My Best Shot at an Honest Life

    First off, I would also like to compliment you on your ability to convey your thoughts and feelings through writing. Your writing style is very eloquent and powerfully captures the various moods and emotions you've been experiencing throughout this journey. Like many mini-memoirs (as Cheeri0 cleverly put it) on this site, I can profoundly relate to a lot of what you're saying. I read the entirety of your post last night (very late last night... with a couple of drinks in me) and missed where you might've stated this, but were you on Adderall when you wrote this? I ask because, through personal experience and speaking to others who are on Adderall, there tends to be certain shared characteristics with someone's.. let's call it delivery of information, when they're peaking on Adderall. This includes a certain extensiveness when conveying information and a stream of consciousness quality to their writing/speaking, which I picked up a lot on in your post. Let me ask, are you hesitating quitting Adderall because you're afraid you will lose your ability to think like you do when you're on it? If not, what's keeping you coming back to it? From what I remember reading last night, your post creates a perfect picture of a steady descent in your quality of life after you starting using (abusing) Adderall. You have a beautiful mind, I can tell with how you articulate yourself and the fact that you're a neuroscientist, but I'm still struggling to gauge why this is even a decision. Relative to your potential, you're in a low place right now, which sounds like an inherent bad thing but this is exactly the catalyst needed for change. There's no better time in your life to quit than now. I quit in the middle of physical therapy school because I just couldn't stand the person I became (socially withdrawn, uncaring, cold, callous, anxious and a whole bunch of other adjectives to describe someone who is just plain miserable and miserable to be around), and I have not one moments regret about my decision. What Greg said above is absolutely on the money. On Adderall, I was accomplishing a bunch of things.. in my own deluded reality. Objectively, my life was in free fall and was ready to lose everything (my relationship, my close friends.. even my future career as I started having panic attacks during social interactions). Do it. Quit now and post your progression on this site. We've been where you're at, trust me. It will be the single best decision you've ever made in your life.
  9. Where is everyone from?

    Dallas, TX. Interesting to see a few fellow Texans here. Houston is the one major city of Texas where I absolutely refuse to move, for the reasons Subtracterall listed above + overcrowded.
  10. This is a perfect example of taking ownership of your situation and proactively doing something about it. It's okay to logon to vent on these forums. I mean, I get it. But, after a while, you start to realize that these problems are yours. You're the one experiencing the pain. And you're the one who can do something about it. I'm very happy to hear you're finding some relief and gaining some control back in your life. It's empowering to find something that provides you some control over your problems. I, too, use exercise as a tool to manage and ultimately minimize my problems/suffering throughout this recovery process. I personally cannot imagine recovering from Adderall without exercising. But, to each their own. If exercise just really isn't their thing, then I hope they find something. Keep us updated on your progress!!
  11. MODAFINIL

    Hmm.. worth a shot? It did not relieve any fatigue-related symptoms I was experiencing early on in my post-Adderall recovery. However, I've read from multiple sources that people's response to this drug varies greatly, meaning some people tend to have a very positive experience from Modafinil while others tend to experience nothing more than a headache. I certainly belong in the latter group, but who knows, you may respond well to it. I know the abuse potential with Modafinil is relatively low compared to Adderall. This must be in part due to the apparent lack of euphoric feelings from taking Modafinil. Hope you find some relief soon.
  12. MODAFINIL

    Yes, I have tried to use Modafinil in place of Adderall. It's important to know that Modafinil is a wakefulness promoting agent, not a stimulant. Here are my experiences: -It does not give any detectable sense of euphoria. -I didn't even notice it was doing anything at first. The only indication I got that it was working (or doing ANYTHING for that matter) was being unable to fall asleep at night. It pretty much removed the sensation of sleepiness. Hence it being correctly labeled as a 'wakefulness promoting agent'. -Close friends and family members noticed I was more "edgy" while on Modafinil. I experienced this as increased anxiety. -Gave me a HUGE headache at the end of the day. -Gave me significant jaw tightness. -Made my piss smell funky. -No real or perceived cognitive benefits (though people purport to experience cognitive enhancement in various online forums). -And perhaps most importantly did NOT diminish any effects of Adderall withdrawal.
  13. On Ughhh Days..

    So I was reflecting on a few posts I've made recently and realized I've sort of depicted myself as a semi-superhero with how well I'm doing with this whole recovery ordeal. This, however, is not the whole picture. It's not a lie, because I did feel great on those days when I choose to write these posts. But in interest of being fair and balanced, I'm choosing to write this post on a day where I'm not feeling so great, a day where I could aptly describe my mood in one word (or utterance): 'Ugh...'. I can tell it's going to be an 'Ughh Day' from the moment I wake up, because it feels like I didn't get any quality sleep. I know I slept. I wasn't just waiting in bed for 6-7 hours waiting for the alarm to go off, but I don't feel refreshed upon waking. On these days, it feels like my mental processing speed takes a hit. Writing this post is taking me at least 2x as long because organizing my thoughts into a clear, discernible message is more difficult. My sense of humor (which is a very valuable asset with all my social interactions) seems to be less 'on-point' and less creative in nature. There's this haziness quality to my thoughts. For the reasons listed above, my will to socialize is greatly diminished. Even my physical attributes seem to take a hit on these days. I tend to have lower energy and less motivation. I'm an avid weightlifter/stairmaster kinda guy, but on these days I go to the gym more out of habit rather than looking forward to improving my physique (which is why in previous posts I emphasize developing a habit of exercising as opposed to waiting till you 'feel' like exercising!). Now, I did NOT choose to write this message to scare any of you. There is a spectrum here between feeling 'Ugh' and feeling 'Great' and overall I'm trending in a positive direction ever since I quit taking Adderall, I cannot emphasize that point enough. However, some of the most helpful posts I've read on this forum have been an honest and candid discussion of how, on some days and times throughout your respective recovery, you're not going to feel great and that's OK! Perhaps this is the natural variation in energy/moods that most normal people experience. I mean, I think everyone (besides people with some sort of unipolar mania) have low energy and high energy days. With taking Adderall for the past 5 years, I'm used to the following formula: 1) Wake up feeling BLEHH, 2) Take Adderall, wait for it to kick-in, 3) Feel Adderall kick-in, move forward with my day, 4) Begin feeling Adderall wear-off, negative thoughts start consuming my mind, 5) Take another Adderall OR experience the throes of crashing if I didn't have another Adderall to take (including but not limited to: unbearable anxiety, pounding heart rate with concomitant 'whooshing' sound through my carotid arteries, depression, self-loathing, agitation, social isolation, etc.), 6) Take sleeping pill, go to bed, rinse-and-repeat. It is a lot more predictable.. or rather predictably awful more accurately. How often do these 'Ughhh Days' occur at my stage in recovery (~16 months-ish)? Not too often, though I haven't been able to detect a clear reason as to why they surface when they do occur. It seems to be negatively correlated with the amount of time I've been off Adderall (meaning the longer I've been off Adderall, the less frequently these 'Ughhh Days' occur). If you're new here and don't know my history, please don't take this as a reason to take Adderall again, I'm merely attempting to show how you're going to experience some bad days in your recovery, and that is normal!! Quitting Adderall is, again, the best single thing I've ever done for myself. I'm (despite the tone of this post) the happiest I've been in.. well.. years I suppose, it's been long enough that I cannot recall a time where I've been feeling this good.. this 'normal'. Thank you for reading. -Duffman
  14. Spiritual Awakening or Psychosis?

    Interesting insights and yes I can say I've had a similar experience through my Adderall years that still impacts my thinking to this day. I can't say I've ever been a very religious person at any point in my life, but taking Adderall really opened my mind to philosophy surrounding morality and scientific understanding. I remember listening to the book "A Short History of Nearly Everything" and it absolutely blew my mind. It really served to open to floodgates to my desire to understand the universe, our planet, people and societies, science, and moral values. I listened to the book again off my meds and still found it profoundly entertaining to listen to. In fact, I feel I truly understand things more accurately off Adderall, as I realized about 10 minutes into the book that I didn't absorb very much on my first go-round under the influence. There's a term popularized by (or perhaps created by) Richard Dawkins called "Consciousness Raising", which implies a process by which people are exposed to information or ways of thinking that expand their own thinking, very often permanently. I believe this term Consciousness Raising is what you and I went through when we took Adderall.
  15. I am afraid.

    Oh yeah - you are DEFINITELY ready to quit Adderall. This self-loathing thing you're doing is actually progress, though I'm sorry you're going through it. And no, you do not deserve to be alone, though I understand where you're coming from, I felt the same way towards the end of my stimulant addiction. What you're going through now is a process of self-realization. You're realizing how you've affected the people around you with your Adderall usage and beginning to take ownership of the situation. This does not mean you're a monster or a psychopath. If you were a natural "monster" or psychopath, you would've been this way prior to Adderall, which is sounds like you weren't. Your brain is going through a tumultuous journey of fluctuating levels of neurotransmitters. Your brain cannot strike a balance, so it sends you into various states ranging from panic, to depression, to disassociation, and to apathy. Just remind yourself - THIS IS PART OF THE PROCESS. This isn't some grand realization that you're a terrible person no matter how much your brain is trying to convince you otherwise. You're going to be tested throughout this process, but whatever happens, you will handle it. I probably had to tell myself that upwards to a million times throughout my recovery.. 'Whatever happens, I will handle it'. Please reach out to me or anyone else on this board if you need help, and keep posting!!