duffman

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About duffman

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  1. Duffman - how we doin'?

  2. Hey all, My name is Duffman, and I officially relapsed. I went for 2 years without a single dose of Adderall - and yet tonight, I took 25mg of Dexedrine. Why? Why would I do this after so long? I made it through my doctorate program, I made it through my boards exam, I made it through my engagement without Adderall in my system, yet I failed tonight. What went wrong? To put it simply: I put myself in a situation where I didn't feel like "I" was enough. Over the past couple years, I've really began to reacquaint myself to who I naturally am. I'm not perfect. I'm learning that I'm no superman and do have faults that require some serious work in order to function at my job and overall lifestyle. I've been able to manage myself at my new job and even began to thrive. I've learned that my "big picture" thinking is exceptional but my "detail oriented" thinking is lacking and requires serious work. I've made accommodations to this deficit by adhering a strict code of organization through my smart phone using google calendar. I do fail to keep up with routine tasks from time-to-time, but I usually make up for it and have made myself a valuable asset to my company over the past year. Since quitting Adderall, I finally feel like my fiancee and I have bonded on a whole other level. When I was cracked out on Adderall, I was never "there" for my then girlfriend. I was emotionally absent and wasn't able to fully support her in her time of need. She either experienced me when I was "peaking" on my dose where I'd talk her ear off OR she would experience me when I was crashing and became a void of hatred and loathing. It's a miracle she stayed with me during those tough times. Now, off Adderall, I feel like we're connecting in ways I never thought possible. She feels secure now I'm grounded in reality. I'm there WITH her at all times, for better or worse. I love this woman, and wouldn't trade her for anything. So far, so good.. so what ACTUALLY made you relapse duffman? It's silly - but here it is. I went to an event today where my idol would give a lecture. I respect this gentleman very much and I wanted to be 100% present throughout the duration of his event. I don't revere too many people. I think people are people with their own set of weaknesses and biases. But this guy, I felt, changed my life and dreamed of the day I would finally be able to ask him a question. I didn't want to blow it. This would probably be my only change to ask him something. That thought of "only opportunity" consumed my mind and feasted on my will power. I'm objectively a smart guy, but I'm also kinda an airhead at times. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I mean, how often does anyone actually meet and be given the opportunity to ask a question directed towards their "hero"? Again, I didn't want to blow it!! So what did I do? I opened my emergency stash of dexedrine, broke a pill into quarters, and took a quarter. I didn't feel enough, so I took another quarter pill. Still, not enough! I was in too deep! I took ANOTHER quarter pill. Now, I felt like my heart was thumping out of my chest and the thoughts in my mind were in overdrive. I was SOOOO ready for this once in a lifetime opportunity. So, it was my turn to ask a question. I walked up to the mic, licked my lips, and then... disaster. A fucking disaster. I couldn't put forth a coherent question. The speaker gave me a confused look and asked me if I had a question hidden in my rambling, incoherent rant. I really didn't know what I wanted to ask, so he answered a different question and moved on to the next person. I deserve what happened to me. I don't blame the speaker. He handled it in a professional way. I filled my last "stash" of Adderall with water and threw it in the dumpster outside. This should've been done long ago, but I always thought it was a good idea to keep a stash on hand just in case I needed it for dire circumstances. Little did I know that taking it would actually worsen my performance and embarrass me in front of a crowd of people - including my fiancee. Overall, I'm glad I was able to experience what I went through tonight. It confirmed that Adderall does not enhance me in the slightest. I would've been fine if I just didn't take the damned pill! I'm done. Officially. I'm done with the neurotoxin Adderall. It's now 2:30 AM and I'm sitting here at my computer unable to sleep. To all those wondering if hopping back on Adderall will solve their problems, I would implore you to resist the temptation and keep on trucking forward. Without Adderall, I've achieved things I never thought possible. It's time to accept myself for who I am. This doesn't mean surrender, by the way. Far from it. I truly believe each and every one of us has room to grow. In order to grow, you must first admit that you're human and accept responsibility of who you are. If you're going to correct any problems in your life, you must first acknowledge that they exist in the first place! It's the only path forward.
  3. How long did you give yourself a pass?

    Everyone will probably provide a different answer on this one because it all depends what our preferred "escape" method to push through the cravings and lethargy associated with withdrawal. I performed light exercise almost immediately. But exercise is my escape - my salvation - during withdrawal. The one thing that allowed me to feel anything when I could otherwise feel nothing. I will say that the long walks in the park while listened to audiobooks proved to be more helpful early on than gym exercise. However, at some point (probably around 3 months) I started taking weight lifting seriously. I ordered a book off Amazon and stuck to the program and have been at it ever since. I'm pathologically afraid of weight gain, so the lay around and eat whatever I want method would've further stressed me out and probably would've resulted in a relapse.
  4. I want to die.

    Yo Kiona, I'm up for talking whenever you are. I have suicidal thoughts every so often. They're a part of me. It's my brain wanting to opt out.. let go.. evade responsibility and be free at last. But, you must realize - as I learned to - that these thoughts are just that, thoughts. Mental perturbations that occur whenever my life feels like it's in free fall. They're not representing some grand realization that my life is worthless and I'd be better off dead. Your dad said things he probably immensely regrets now. We all say those things sometimes to people we love. Give yourself a week to reconsider. Talk to someone first.
  5. I'm No Superman

    So I was at the gym yesterday doing an intense cardio session when the song "Handlebars" by Flobots came up on my playlist. It's a song that has a good cadence and flow to it - but I realized I never actually listened to the lyrics. So, I took the effort to listen to what the song was about, trying to discern the meaning behind the lyrics. I initially came to the conclusion that there was no meaning to the song and it was just a bunch of disjointed statements. However, upon closer inspection (and perhaps assigning my own experience to the lyrics), it began to make me reflect upon the progressive nature of my mental instability on Adderall and how I'm finally connected with reality now that I'm off the stuff. It starts off by saying how he can do things like "Ride his bike with no handlebars" and progressively becomes more absurd to the point where he can "End the planet in a holocaust", if he wanted to. When I first used Adderall, I viewed it like a key that unlocked my brain for the first time. Finally I was able to unleash who I was to the world! My social anxiety that plagued my social interactions for the first 22 years of my life vanished and I was given a boost of confidence that made me feel like I had control over my fate. This, as we all know and experienced, sets the stage for eventually, inevitably and invariably, spiraling out of control. My goals in life began to shift in a dramatic fashion.. to the extent to where they eventually began to depart from reality. Reflecting back on this makes me cringe because it made so my sense at the time. But this is the insidious nature of psychosis. These thoughts make absolute sense to the person going through the psychosis whereas the outside observer is thinking "this person has clearly lost their mind and I'm going to back away before I'm caught in this whirlwind of madness". When I first started using, I ditched the idea of becoming a physical therapist and wanted to become a doctor because it would allow me more control and freedom to do what I wanted to do (reasonable so far). But I didn't want to become any doctor - I wanted to become a famous doctor - a doctor who was the leading authority on pain, nutrition, and overall wellness. I pictured myself going through TV interviews and perhaps having my own show. I found myself prepping what I would say at academic conferences where everyone would be gushing over my absolute brilliance (still have the word document on my old computer with what I would say). I've also been told I have a good sense of humor and wanted to become a stand up comedian as well.. on the side or something. So I began typing out ideas for what kind of shows I would create, something along the lines of Dave Chapelle's show with various skits, once I began to be noticed for my comedic talent. But wait, why stop there? What about society as a whole? The world needs to be rescued and my overarching intellectual brilliance is the cure. So I began to write ideas how I would run for public office and eventually become a prominent figure in Washington DC - a puppet master who was REALLY the guy in charge behind the scenes.. on top of being a world-renowned physician and famous hollywood comedian, of course. Know what's really funny about all that shit I wrote above? I thought of all of those delicious futures while sitting at my computer playing video games high on Adderall - doing nothing to actually progress towards these aspirations. After I finished my undergraduate degree, I took off a year to plan how to begin my worldly domination. I would pop enough Vyvanse (Or other stimulant medication) to give me that euphoric rush so I could feel invincible and write down all I was going to do with my life.. only to end up obsessing over some detail and researching it incessantly and eventually playing video games till I crashed. That's the thing about these stimulant medications though, they provide the FEELING of succeeding at something. You begin to exist in your own reality where you feel like you've accomplished all these great things already. It skips over the hard work and sacrifice it requires to get to these circumstances and instead allows you to feel the end result of accomplishing something great without actually doing anything. Fast forward to now. I'm now a physical therapist after passing my state board exam without Adderall (something I did not think I would be able to accomplish)!! I have a great job that pays very well and my relationships with the people in my inner circle have never been stronger. I'm finally reconnected with reality. One thing I've learned is I'm no superman - and this is a good... no... necessary step to moving forward in life. Any of the above-mentioned lifestyles I was dreaming about on Adderall in itself requires tons of hard work, sacrifice, and frankly luck to accomplish. I could not move forward in life while my mind was in an alternate reality. Thank you for reading.
  6. Just Got Dumped

    Truly a bittersweet moment for you. Right now, you need to take care of yourself instead of worrying about accepting the consequences of your past actions. I understand you're in a lot of pain right now and Adderall and/or alcohol may seem like very tempting options because they're reliably numbed you out in the past. But do not give in. This will probably be your most challenging trial yet.
  7. Share Your Post Quit Accomplishments

    I quit Adderall in the middle of physical therapy school and am now a Doctor of Physical Therapy. Worked a full day today (first day with a full case-load at my new job) and it went great despite having some very challenging patients. I'm pretty tired now but am still going to hit the gym in about a half hour or so. My new goal is to morph my body into something I'm proud of. I've always been semi-strong, but I've never been jacked (ripped, swole, whatever you want to call it) and I'm still carrying around some residual fat from quitting Adderall. To accomplish this, I've made a commitment with myself to hit the gym for 6 days a week with one of those days purely dedicated to cardio. If I may ask, what are you wanting to accomplish?
  8. I've been thinking about what separates people who succeed with quitting and staying off Adderall vs the people who tend to waver in their commitment to quitting the drug. We come from different backgrounds.. are different ages.. and have differing perspectives on life. And yet, none of these factors seem to correlate well to future success of quitting and stay off Adderall.. So what gives? What factor can explain this phenomenon? Can a single factor even be held responsible? I believe there is. I wish to contend that the most important factor for quitting Adderall is.. Ownership... ownership over what Duffman? Ownership over one's own situation and one's own commitment to quitting Adderall... .. really? That's the best he can come up with? You're probably thinking. Hear me out though. I've noticed after reading hundreds of posts on this forum that there are two types of people: People who designate themselves as the victim and search for who is at fault for their current situation (e.g. that damned Dr gave me another script!! How DARE they?) or people who accept responsibility for their situation and move forward to figuring out how to better than situation. Before I continue forward, let me clarify something. What's the difference between 'being at fault' for something vs 'being responsible' for something? I bolded the word responsibility above for a reason and it's important: It may or may not be your fault or anyone's fault that you're in your current situation with Adderall.. It's next to useless to figure out who is at fault.. However, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to figure out the best way forward at this point. So taking ownership of your situation also means taking responsibility for your recovery. How it happened doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is how to move forward given your unique circumstances. Posting on here with your concerns and your struggles has value, don't get me wrong.. I get it, trust me. But, at some point, you need to recognize that these problems are in fact your problems and YOU are the one who is responsible for them. This is where taking ownership comes into play. These are two examples: 1) Feel yourself gaining weight? Recognize this is common with quitting stimulants and begin eating a healthier diet and initiate a workout routine. It's not fair how this happens, but doing something about it is the only way forward. 2) Feel yourself sapped of motivation? This is also common. Start by doing something small and build from it. I realized after taking a short walk I would experience a small but noticeable surge in motivation to do what needed to be done. Quitting Adderall is the single best thing you can do for your current and future health. You know this. Quitting this drug has not only increased my quality of life, but saved my life. I was in free fall during the peak of my Adderall abuse and the landing wasn't looking pretty. The only direction to move is forward. Do this for yourself. Quit Adderall now. And to do this, you must take full ownership of your situation. So I want to end this with a series of questions: Is quitting Adderall a path you want to travel? Did anyone say it would be easy?... Do you have a choice? Thank you for reading.
  9. How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?

    I'm able to relate to quite a bit of your journey with Adderall (albeit not getting back on it after two years, whew!). I, too, lost one of my best friends while I was in the midst of my Adderall addiction. Just thinking about it still makes me pause and my heart to sink a bit. He was a childhood friend from about the age of 8-9 and we formed a group of friends and hung out periodically over the years (we called each other 'The Four Horseman', awesome I know). I really have fond memories of those times and regret throwing away what I had in exchange for my fix of stimulant medication. What really got me was looking on his Facebook one day and seeing his bachelor party (I didn't even know he was engaged) and there were the three others of 'The Four Horseman' there doing shots and having a great time.. without me. Looking back, it's quite obvious why I lost him as a friend. I literally just cringed thinking about some of the things I said on Facebook or through text messages we had when I was cracked out on Adderall. Thinking about that situation helps remind me what I value in life.. what truly makes life worth living and grants the path to happiness is being surrounded by people who I love to be around. It sounds sappy, and probably is, but it's true. Why am I telling you this? Well, what do you value? Do you value being a cracked-out employee who grinds away for days at a time? It sounds like one of the things you value is being skinny, do you need Adderall for that? Is it even worth it if you socially isolate yourself with Adderall? Being off Adderall, I'm able to connect with people again. When I took Adderall in class, I thought everyone revered my intellectual prowess and admired my lightning-quick wit. After quitting Adderall and speaking with a group of friends I made (after quitting), one of them said "You know, you're pretty cool. We used to think you were a socially awkward weirdo who was kinda a kiss ass in class". I appreciated his forthrightness. What is it you want out of life?
  10. Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?

    You know, I went down the same rabbit hole trying to figure out how to heal my thyroid and/or how to heal my adrenal glands. I bought tons of audiobooks, read tons of articles on various websites, and read countless anecdotes online about how to heal my thyroid and/or adrenal glands. Well, I took a blood test to see what my TSH looked like and it was within normal limits, so I gave up on the thyroid and focused on my adrenal glands. The best book I found, which has both the information and a guide for healing your adrenal glands, is called "The Adrenal Reset Diet: Strategically Cycle Carbs and Proteins to Lose Weight, Balance Hormones, and Move from Stressed to Thriving" by Alan Christianson. It seemed to help, but I also stopped taking stimulant medications entirely when I followed the protocol, so I can't say with 100% certainty that this was the reason why I started feeling better (eventually). Worth look into, good information. As @Greg said above, you need to stop the Adderall and let your begin the healing process. You're still taking something that is artificially jacking up various neurotransmitters and catecholamines, thus inhibiting your body's ability to begin healing and rebalancing itself.
  11. Tried Many Times to Quit

    So there are people who come to these forums with a sort of defensive stance on Adderall where they admit it's becoming a problem but aren't truly ready to give it up. They'll suggest trying to take a "controlled, moderate dose, you know, as prescribed" or "I'll just take it as needed", but as you have (rightfully) stated, that just doesn't work, at least for not any meaningful amount of time. I tried the "I'll just take it AS NEEDED approach!", but then I'll have an interview where I'll think "Okay, this is definitely a time where I'm going to take Adderall". Then the first day comes up, "Well, I need to make a good first impression! *Takes Adderall*". Second week comes up, "They're starting to give me more responsibilities, better take an Adderall so I can keep up with the pace", and right back down the path of 'taking mega doses and running out early' I go. You're ripe for the quittin', now you're just needing a plan of escape. Sounds like you have a mixed support system at home. They're probably willing to show you unconditional support for whatever you do, but may not be able to relate to what you're going through. That's where these forums come in. We get it. That's why I've been on here for almost two years. I went the cold turkey approach because I was still in school and I could sort of coast under the radar. I didn't have any real responsibilities besides exist in class, occasionally interact with people for an assignment, and answer a series of multiple choice questions for the exams. Working is a different story and you may want to ask some others about a tapering schedule where you gradually lower your dose over a series of weeks (sometimes months) till you eventually come off entirely. It'll be a softer landing and should allow you to keep working. Welcome aboard! This may be one of the toughest things you've ever had to do, but it's absolutely worth it. I've been off for 1 year and 8 months after using Adderall (and vyvanse.. and zenzedi.. and all variants of stimulants) for 1 year and abusing Adderall for 5 years. I was so far into addiction that I went into stimulant-induced psychosis. I'm doing great now. I still can't believe where I started and where I am now. I really.. REALLY.. thought I was a lost cause and I'd be on Adderall till my aorta would rupture from the extremely high blood pressure it gave me. You can do this!!
  12. You know, I can't find it now, but I once made a post on here about all the potential health problems I thought I accrued throughout my years of abuse. Thinking about it now makes me cringe because of how outlandish my worries were. I remember I thought I had some combination of Cushing's syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, adrenal fatigue, a vast array of heart conditions.. just a bunch of stuff and all the product of years of Adderall abuse. And I've seen this before from other users on this forum too. We tend to become obsessive about every little health-related thing and begin searching for anecdotes on the internet to support our theory that our health is in peril. In reality, it was my anxiety on overdrive. I went to multiple doctors to discuss my worries and they all gave me the same wide-eyed expression and would promptly begin talking to me about my mental health, sometimes offering an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. What I'm getting at is you're not alone with this anxiety about your health after Adderall abuse. And no, I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T go to a physician, I'm not qualified to judge that over the internet. But if they run tests and you come back normal and they don't seem alarmed, then I would trust their judgment. Tell your physician everything. They've heard it all and would relieved that you're being forthright with them so they can help you.
  13. My Best Shot at an Honest Life

    First off, I would also like to compliment you on your ability to convey your thoughts and feelings through writing. Your writing style is very eloquent and powerfully captures the various moods and emotions you've been experiencing throughout this journey. Like many mini-memoirs (as Cheeri0 cleverly put it) on this site, I can profoundly relate to a lot of what you're saying. I read the entirety of your post last night (very late last night... with a couple of drinks in me) and missed where you might've stated this, but were you on Adderall when you wrote this? I ask because, through personal experience and speaking to others who are on Adderall, there tends to be certain shared characteristics with someone's.. let's call it delivery of information, when they're peaking on Adderall. This includes a certain extensiveness when conveying information and a stream of consciousness quality to their writing/speaking, which I picked up a lot on in your post. Let me ask, are you hesitating quitting Adderall because you're afraid you will lose your ability to think like you do when you're on it? If not, what's keeping you coming back to it? From what I remember reading last night, your post creates a perfect picture of a steady descent in your quality of life after you starting using (abusing) Adderall. You have a beautiful mind, I can tell with how you articulate yourself and the fact that you're a neuroscientist, but I'm still struggling to gauge why this is even a decision. Relative to your potential, you're in a low place right now, which sounds like an inherent bad thing but this is exactly the catalyst needed for change. There's no better time in your life to quit than now. I quit in the middle of physical therapy school because I just couldn't stand the person I became (socially withdrawn, uncaring, cold, callous, anxious and a whole bunch of other adjectives to describe someone who is just plain miserable and miserable to be around), and I have not one moments regret about my decision. What Greg said above is absolutely on the money. On Adderall, I was accomplishing a bunch of things.. in my own deluded reality. Objectively, my life was in free fall and was ready to lose everything (my relationship, my close friends.. even my future career as I started having panic attacks during social interactions). Do it. Quit now and post your progression on this site. We've been where you're at, trust me. It will be the single best decision you've ever made in your life.
  14. Where is everyone from?

    Dallas, TX. Interesting to see a few fellow Texans here. Houston is the one major city of Texas where I absolutely refuse to move, for the reasons Subtracterall listed above + overcrowded.
  15. This is a perfect example of taking ownership of your situation and proactively doing something about it. It's okay to logon to vent on these forums. I mean, I get it. But, after a while, you start to realize that these problems are yours. You're the one experiencing the pain. And you're the one who can do something about it. I'm very happy to hear you're finding some relief and gaining some control back in your life. It's empowering to find something that provides you some control over your problems. I, too, use exercise as a tool to manage and ultimately minimize my problems/suffering throughout this recovery process. I personally cannot imagine recovering from Adderall without exercising. But, to each their own. If exercise just really isn't their thing, then I hope they find something. Keep us updated on your progress!!