@Frank B: Not running off at all, rants are just as important as support as long as they don't come from judgement of others, because, as it seems, we all can relate to the extent that the dependence on this drug can change you from your true self. As to how I got it for so long, long story short: I work as an esthetician and nail technician and had a coworker that has a script for much higher than she actually takes. I do her nails and esthetic services, she supplies me. Really I don't think she has any idea to the market value because what it would cost for me to buy them elsewhere far exceeds what she would pay in services. It has been almost as readily available to me as it would be with a script.
@Doge & @Quit-Once: Your support and advice truly helps, it is the first time I am actually admitting it to anyone, although my husband (ex) was aware, I don't know if he was aware of the extent that it got to. I spent a few evenings perusing this site before I decided to post anything, but each time a new symptom pops up I spend a couple hours researching and trying to figure out what is going on, although I know deep down that if I quit taking Adderall I would start to heal. As we tend to do, I tried to figure out what I could do to "get better" without having to quit (i.e. Vitamins, better eating, detoxes, etc). Coming across that site of the stages of amphetamine addiction a few weeks ago was an eye opener.
I've gone from taking 60-80 mg a day to 30-60 in the past month, but not because i'm being strong about it, more because my body won't really let me take more before I become a shaking tweaked out mess. I only took 15 mg yesterday, and also spent the day being active by going on a hike. It was an insight into what my life could be like again, and I even regretted taking what I did. Where I struggle is when I have to "adult" or go to work. When I first started taking it, it helped me with being social with clients, now I just stumble over my words and feel self concious about it later.
I think that where I am now is that I have to keep giving myself what I need, that which I have ignored (the creative/active side of myself), but as many posts say, not feel bad if I don't get "all the shit done".