olivia115

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About olivia115

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  1. Boston

    I’ve been on and off here for years but never spoke with someone real about my struggles. I’d love to do something very low key and chat with someone with similar struggles. I have a 1 year old so I go for a lot of walks if anyone is interested. Grab some coffee? I know other people in this city must be looking for the same thing.
  2. I’m there with you 100%. I get scared too about cps, even though inherently I know that’s not going to happen. My goal is for a happy healthy well adjusted family. I’ve learned that this is incompatible while on adderall for me...even though no one knew. I need to learn how to adult and parent and you can’t do that extra efficiently bc you’re either high, withdrawing, or jonseing for your next high. Being a mom is so hard, esp these days; we have the weight on our shoulders if anything ever goes wrong. The time, energy, guilt of lying and hiding something so obvious is exhausting. I’m exhausted. What Mom isn’t?
  3. I relapsed as a new Mom

    It’s spooky to read my old posts on here. I see that scared girl in my writing. I still feel so many of her insecurities. I had a baby last year and it didn’t take long for baby blues to turn to depression to needing a quick fix. Back to my old lover adderall. From that script until the one I just filled and binged; I never had control over it. I rationalized at one point that the addiction cycle I would go through each month was actually something that was good for me. I’d be high then crash and really tests my body’s and mind’s limits. As if the prescribed adversity would make me stronger and this was just how I would live. I was choosing addiction as my optimal setting. As a new Mom I am starting to see the cracks in this thought process. Differing energy levels, responsive levels, routines, can be wildly erratic during a month for me. For a baby this is not good. They can’t understand the causes for the differences in behavior, but they absolutely understand there is a difference. I get caught up in mundane chores on it and my interactions with my baby are rushed so I can get back to chores. Then off it we lounge around and have less consistent routines. The father is supportive and present but also with his own issues that can complicate life. Today is day 1 of no pills, but that’s happened every month, since I run through the pills so fast. So today is day 1 of redefining what I want from life. The mother I want to be. The mother I can be. Today is my first day that I found out I loved something more than adderall...my daughter. I am willing to go through the discomfort of the initial crash, the panic next month when I know I could ask for my refill, but won’t; when I think to try to drink to excess to numb the discomfort but I’ll only drink in moderation; the sadness of feeling bored bc I have no weekend plans; the angst and anxiety of planning the week in advance and doing food shopping and meal prepping; the weight gain; feelings of inadequacy at work. I haven’t quit successfully yet. These discomforts seem like a pretty expensive price to pay for sobriety. Yet not having experienced sobriety, who am I to say it should be cheaper and easier? I have a feeling the cost matches the benefit.
  4. Agh, I was sober for a little over 20 months until this summer. I had left my longtime boyfriend of 4 yrs a few months. We found out 20 months ago he was a sex addict and I was an adderalic. Hid this from eachother for 2+ years while sharing an apt. We stayed together...addiction does funny things to your rationality huh?...I quit cold turkey, gave him my pills and they were flushed, scripts torn up, contact with psychiatrist cut off. My ex, he didn't fare as well. He relapsed in some pretty bad ways and I think this motivated me to stay sober. I dont know if was because I cared for him or because I didn't want to be like him, an addict. I didnt want to be in the same category as him, he was weak and i was strong. I was just "abusing" adderall,not addicted. I see now I am an addict just the same as he. I had been single for a few months this year and starting dating a guy, walked into his bathroom and sitting right their on his counter is a bottle full of little blue pills. I panicked...then I did what any addict does. I took some. It was like coming home to your comfy bed after a long trip. Hugging your first love. I siphened off almost the whole bottle over the next few weeks, thinking it was subtle; not realizing he rarely took these pills himself; so he definitely noticed. He thought his roomate took them, and I lied through my teeth. He's out of the picture now and i went through 2 weeks of misery from the depressive state the adderall withdrawl enduced. I had forgotten those lows. I started strattera instead at my next doctors visit. At my follow up appointment we were chatting and in the back of my head i knew i was going to find a way to manipulate this woman into giving me what i wanted. If she had never said the word stimulant in the visit i might've escaped, gotten my strattera filled and been doing well... but she did and it opened a can of worms of all the different kinds of stimulants and the ones i had been prescribed in the past. "Vyvanse? huh? Oh, Ive never actually tried that one before...weird., is it different?" etc etc. 30 min later i was walking out of cvs with my legal speed in my hand. That was a week ago. I havent slept, unless i take ambien. i have to take double my clonazepam dose to control my benign hand tremors, and i've eaten almost nothing in a week. I have work in 4 hours and ill just keep taking it until i run out. yeah ill make a detailed calendar for rationing it, but i wont stick to it. and ill run out before next week. I have engagements almost every night for the next 2 weeks. I'm terrified of what's going to happen. Maybe look at this as a cautionary tale...you can't give up on making your sobriety a priority. I need to seek more help this time. I need to go to meetings. Im scared to tell my psychiatrist. I'm worried about having that in my medical record. I have no idea how it limits you later in life....life insurance? custody battles? I need a new therapist. I need to take care of my mental health. If you're not doing this already then this is where you will land too. I'm not at a rock bottom, I dont want to reach rock bottom. I want to do this the right way because I am an addict and I can't do this on my own.
  5. Boston

    Hi, I'm a 26 yr old professional who had been sober for over a year and a half, and just relapsed this summer. Is there anyone else in this area who would like to meet up? Im back to my old cycles of binging on pills then retreating to my bed until I can get more. Am I the only one in Somerville? Boston? Cambridge? I have not been to meetings yet, I am terrified of them due to my line of work. I think a small group for this particular addiction could be life changing. I can meet up anyday after 7. Please tell me I'm not alone...
  6. Rock bottom AFTER quitting?

    I have days where I feel similar too. It's like a moment of clarity, the fog of numbing all those emotions lifts and I get totally overwhelmed. I saw a psychiatrist to talk things over and that along with some hours crying and time and distance from my days using adderall has really been making a difference.
  7. In addition to the 5 signs...

    Wow, I can totally relate to the going to the bathroom and popping pills during the movies or I would be out to eat, barely touching my food, and go to the bathroom an take them, never finishing a meal. Looking back on it now it was so ludicrous but that was the mind of an addict working..
  8. Yikes! I'm about 8+ months clean and I started off eating anything and everything, along with sleeping. I started to clean up my eating and exercising more but I have fallen off the bandwagon again and I always seem to want to eat... mostly sweets, but really anything. What works for you guys? How can I cut the sugar??
  9. HELP!

    I'm curently in school for a second bachelors degree and I quit using adderall cold turkey about halfway through my program. It's been about 7 months now and my true self is finally starting to resurface. One thing I wish I had done differently was quit adderall sooner! When I think back to the beginning of school last year it's all a blur. Adderall had changed my brain and I was no longer thinking effectively or efficiently. I could memorize a ton of stuff overnight but I remember none of it now. I thought it was helping me, but in hindsight it was actually handicapping me. I wish I had been able to quit before school started so I wouldn't have wasted so much time tweaking out on adderall and I could have actually felt like I was going through the learning process. My problem was I had been on adderall for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to self-motivate and put in effort into thing...and when I was starting school the thought of having to re-learn how to do that was terrifying! So I just prolonged the inevitable until it got to be too much. If you're able to quit and take some time off before you start school, I think that would be ideal. Not only to deal with withdrawals but also so you can have a clear mind to make this type of decision. You said that taking adderall brought out all of these new interests that sort of took over. I can identify with that too. I read ALL of Atlas Shrugged in less than 2 weeks once, and don't get me wrong, it's my favorite book, but its mammoth! (i mean, the author was taking dexedrine while she wrote it!) Perhaps when you stop taking adderall these interests might subside and perhaps your true self will re-emerge and you might discover something new you're interested in that you don't need to be stimulated in order to enjoy.
  10. I also just got a script for bupropion (the generic form) because I have dysthmia. This was probably a problem before i got an adderall rx, and most likely exacerbated my addiction. I don't know if it's the "methadone" for amphetamines, because I definitely don't feel the way I did on adderall. I'd say once you have it for at least two weeks (because it does take some time to have an effect) it makes you feel less negative about things. You don't feel euphoric like you do on adderall but you feel a little less weighing you down I guess. Even four months after quitting and having adderall out of my system, I used to have a really hard time getting up in the morning, I just felt so apathetic about everything and unmotivated. This med doesnt make you jump and feel motivated and happy like adderall might have, but it sort of dulls that negativity which for me has been immensely helpful. For about a week I felt sort of numb to a lot things and that was sort of worrisome because I don't want to be numb to the world, but after a few weeks things balanced out and now I feel a little better. It's an improvement. I havent noticed many side effects other than a slight tremor in my hand (more my left than my right). My next appt I'm going to ask my doc if this will subside after a while or if maybe I need to try something different. I've also read the generic sort of loads your system too quickly and that the extended release is a little better so maybe that'll solve it. Either way it's help me in terms of not letting my self-destructive thoughts get in my way as much as they used to...if that makes any sense?
  11. One of the most haunting movies I've ever seen.
  12. Has anyone tried these? I saw them both on Dr. Oz, and he normally doesn't support "weight management" supplements but he seemed pretty excited about the green coffee bean extract. It give you energy and burns fat more efficiently, without giving you a jittery feeling. The study he cites said there were "no side effects." I'm a skeptic, so this was hard for me to believe so I was just wondering if anyone had tried them, or know someone who has. As far as the raspberry ketones go, I think they work similarly?
  13. Nose Gel?!?

    I never snorted adderall since I was taking dexedrine spansules, it would have been too much work to break all those beads. I did use to chew them though, and I would notice canker sores in my mouth when I did that. I think I just overloaded my body with the vasoconstrictive effects of it and unfortunately my nose paid the price.
  14. Nose Gel?!?

    Intriguing title for a post right?! So, I have little cold right now and I go into my medicine cabinet and see "AYR saline nasal gel". EW. I completely forgot I used to use that when I used adderall, because all my mucous membranes would dry up, crack and bleed. This was the only that made breathing through my nose bearable at times. SO GLAD I don't have to shove GEL up my nose anymore, haha! Once again, it's the little things that are getting me through this day by day
  15. Food

    CHIA seeds. I love them. You put them in water for 10 minutes and they create this gel-type thing and you can drink it and it keeps you hydrated (if you soak them first), it's an amazing source of omega-3s, and it helps keep your blood sugar levels in check. I like putting them in some hot tea. If you like boba tea (bubble tea) it's kind of like that, but much smaller beads.